I no longer believe in capitalism. At all.

[Elok]

For I have perused the catalog of fine products purchased, warehoused and eagerly sold by the Hammacher Schlemmer Company. I am not making any of this up; some group of people apparently manufactured each one of these tawdry, unnecessary pieces of overpriced ****, and enough people buy each of them to warrant their inclusion in the catalog:

THE HAND REFLEXOLOGY MASSAGER. This oven-mitt-shaped contraption, which I'm assuming was inspired by the Gom Jabbar, will rub your hand when you stick it in the hole on one end. Sort of like third base, but the other way around. $129.95

THE BEST HEATED CAT BED. Do not settle for an inferior heated cat bed. It might malfunction and roast your snoogums. She's totally worth the extra money. $39.95

THE HD VIDEO RECORDING SUNGLASSES. It doesn't say what these are for. I do not wish to know, or speculate in detail. I feel mildly icky just thinking about it. $169.95

THE 20' INFLATABLE SNOWMAN reclines on the ground, looking very laid back for a cutesy-poo giant except that his right arm is extended in a Sieg Heil. No, he's not waving, the palm is down. For the Nazi kitsch enthusiast. $399.95

THE SWAT TEAM WATCH is $499.95. For some reason, THE GENUINE NAVY SEAL WATCH is only $399.95. No explanation is given.

THE THOMAS KINKADE ILLUMINATED CRYSTAL SNOWMAN costs $99.95. THE THOMAS KINKADE REVOLVING CHRISTMAS TREE TOPPER is a relative bargain at $79.95. No comment.

THE POWERED PUMICE STONE. THE HEALTHIEST POTATO CHIP MAKER. THE BACKPACK VACUUM. THE VOICE CONTROLLED PIANO PLAYING POLAR BEAR. THE WHISPER QUIET JUICER. Somebody out there is buying all of these things. You right-wing free-market cheerleaders better have a damned good explanation for this.

[Imran Siddiqui]

They are all just sex toys renamed so that fine upstanding folk can purchase them.

Especially the Thomas Kincade Snowman & Tree Topper. That Kincade guy was nasty!

[Elok]

I might add that those are only a few selections from the front half of the catalog. There's a full eighty pages of high-class schlock here, including at least half a dozen articles of footwear dedicated to the care of plantar fasciitis.

[regexcellent]

Dude Brookstone declared bankruptcy a while back; I think this stuff isn't as successful as it appears to be.

[Elok]

That Kincade guy was nasty!

I was not aware that he had died; thanks for informing me. I'm sure the modern-art scene mourns the death of the one man who made them look talented.

[Elok]

Dude Brookstone declared bankruptcy a while back; I think this stuff isn't as successful as it appears to be.

Nor is it as unsuccessful as it needs to be. If even one person buys THE DOG DUNG VACUUM for $99.95 this year so they can carry around a three-foot, four-pound, battery-powered crap scooper instead of simply bending down with a baggie...well, that is one person too many.

[Hauldren Collider]

What are you talking about, Elok? This is the free market at work--tirelessly producing goods for even the most discriminating AND idiosyncratic rich grandma with poor interior decorating sense that exists. Variety is the spice of life

[regexcellent]

I think these places like Brookstone and Hammacher Schlemmer basically sell veblen goods, like $30k bottles of wine. It's conspicuous consumption by rich idiots or something.

The one that always gets me is the laser baldness treatment thing.

[Elok]

The Los Angeles Times has reported that some of Kinkade's former colleagues, employees, and even collectors of his work say that he had a long history of cursing and heckling other artists and performers. The Times further reported that he openly groped a woman's breasts at a South Bend, Indiana sales event, and mentioned his proclivity for ritual territory marking through urination, once relieving himself on a Winnie the Pooh figure at the Disneyland Hotel in Anaheim while saying "This one's for you, Walt."[33][34] In a letter to licensed gallery owners acknowledging he may have behaved badly during a stressful time when he overindulged in food and drink, Kinkade said accounts of the alcohol-related incidents included "exaggerated, and in some cases outright fabricated personal accusations." The letter did not address any incident specifically.

In 2006, John Dandois, Media Arts Group executive, recounted a story that on one occasion ("about six years ago") Kinkade became drunk at a Siegfried & Roy magic show in Las Vegas and began shouting "Codpiece! Codpiece!" at the performers.

That sounds about right. Also it says he OD'd on booze and Valium, which is possibly the only time he was associated with anything profoundly symbolic.

[SlowwHand]

THE BEST HEATED CAT BED.

[giblets]

What are you talking about, Elok? This is the free market at work--tirelessly producing goods for even the most discriminating AND idiosyncratic rich grandma with poor interior decorating sense that exists. Variety is the spice of life

Why is this a good thing again?

[The Mad Monk]

THE BEST HEATED CAT BED.

Damn straight. Beats having having your heating ducts used as a cat hair propulsion unit by you shivering cat.

[loinburger]

I never believed in Capitalism in the first place - even mentioning it would get you sentenced to a week in the rehabilitation box at the hippie commune where I was born and raised.

[Kidlicious]

What are you talking about, Elok? This is the free market at work--tirelessly producing goods for even the most discriminating AND idiosyncratic rich grandma with poor interior decorating sense that exists. Variety is the spice of life

Really?

[-Jrabbit]

Hammacher Schlemmer has been in business for over 150 years.

The were always (in my lifetime) known as the catalog that featured weird new inventions and gadgets, some of them extremely expensive. We used to get their catalog when I was growing up, just for the 'holy crap, look at this!' aspect of it. I have no idea what their current business model is.