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Sadly,Nation Knows Exactly How Colorado Shooting's Aftermath Will Play Out
JULY20, 2012 | ISSUE48•29
WASHINGTON—Americansacross the nation confirmed today that, unfortunately, due to theirextreme familiarity with the type of tragedy that occurred in aColorado movie theater last night, they sadly know exactly how theevents following the horrific shooting of 12 people will unfold.
Whileadmitting they "absolutely hate" the fact they have thisknowledge, the nation's 300 million citizens told reporters they canpinpoint down to the hour when the first candlelight vigil will beheld, roughly how many people will attend, how many times the countysheriff will address the media in the coming weeks, and when thetown-wide memorial service will be held.
Additionally,sources nationwide took no pleasure in confirming that some sort ofvideo recording, written material, or disturbing photographs made bythe shooter will be surfacing in about an hour or two.
"Ihate to say it, but we as Americans are basically experts at thiskind of thing by now,” said 45-year-old market analyst JaredGerson, adding that the number of media images of Aurora, CO citizenscrying and looking shocked is “pretty much right in line with whereit usually is at this point." "The calls not to politicizethe tragedy should be starting in an hour, but by 1:30 p.m. tomorrowthe issue will have been politicized. Also, I wouldn’t be surprisedif the shooter’s high school classmate is interviewed within 45minutes."
"It'slike clockwork," said Gerson, who sighed, shook his head, andwalked away.
Accordingto the nation's citizenry, calls for a mature, thoughtful debateabout the role of guns in American society started right on time, andshould persist throughout the next week or so. However, the populacenoted, the debate will soon spiral out of control and ultimately leadto nothing of any substance, a fact Americans everywhere acknowledgedthey felt "absolutely horrible" to be aware of.
Withscalpel-like precision, the American populace then went on topredict, to the minute, how long it will take for the media to swarmAurora, CO, how long it will take for them to leave, and exactly whenquestions will be raised as to whether or not violence in movies andvideo games had something to do with the act.
Thenation's citizens also confirmed that, any time now, some religiousfigure or cable news personality will say something unbelievablyinsensitive about the tragic shooting.
"Unfortunately,I've been through this a lot, and I pretty much have it down to ascience when President Obama will visit Colorado, when he will meetwith the families of those who lost loved ones, and when he will givehis big speech that people will call 'unifying' and 'verypresidential,'" Jacksonville resident Amy Brennen, 32, said,speaking for every other person in the country. "Nothing reallysurprises me when it comes to this kind of thing anymore. And thatmakes me feel terrible."
"Oh,and here's another thing I hate I know," Brennen continued, "Inexactly two weeks this will all be over and it will be like it neverhappened."
ACK!
JULY20, 2012 | ISSUE48•29
Whileadmitting they "absolutely hate" the fact they have thisknowledge, the nation's 300 million citizens told reporters they canpinpoint down to the hour when the first candlelight vigil will beheld, roughly how many people will attend, how many times the countysheriff will address the media in the coming weeks, and when thetown-wide memorial service will be held.
Additionally,sources nationwide took no pleasure in confirming that some sort ofvideo recording, written material, or disturbing photographs made bythe shooter will be surfacing in about an hour or two.
"Ihate to say it, but we as Americans are basically experts at thiskind of thing by now,” said 45-year-old market analyst JaredGerson, adding that the number of media images of Aurora, CO citizenscrying and looking shocked is “pretty much right in line with whereit usually is at this point." "The calls not to politicizethe tragedy should be starting in an hour, but by 1:30 p.m. tomorrowthe issue will have been politicized. Also, I wouldn’t be surprisedif the shooter’s high school classmate is interviewed within 45minutes."
"It'slike clockwork," said Gerson, who sighed, shook his head, andwalked away.
Accordingto the nation's citizenry, calls for a mature, thoughtful debateabout the role of guns in American society started right on time, andshould persist throughout the next week or so. However, the populacenoted, the debate will soon spiral out of control and ultimately leadto nothing of any substance, a fact Americans everywhere acknowledgedthey felt "absolutely horrible" to be aware of.
Withscalpel-like precision, the American populace then went on topredict, to the minute, how long it will take for the media to swarmAurora, CO, how long it will take for them to leave, and exactly whenquestions will be raised as to whether or not violence in movies andvideo games had something to do with the act.
Thenation's citizens also confirmed that, any time now, some religiousfigure or cable news personality will say something unbelievablyinsensitive about the tragic shooting.
"Unfortunately,I've been through this a lot, and I pretty much have it down to ascience when President Obama will visit Colorado, when he will meetwith the families of those who lost loved ones, and when he will givehis big speech that people will call 'unifying' and 'verypresidential,'" Jacksonville resident Amy Brennen, 32, said,speaking for every other person in the country. "Nothing reallysurprises me when it comes to this kind of thing anymore. And thatmakes me feel terrible."
"Oh,and here's another thing I hate I know," Brennen continued, "Inexactly two weeks this will all be over and it will be like it neverhappened."
ACK!
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