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Is this why I never could get a job in Finance?

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  • Is this why I never could get a job in Finance?

    The competition is fierce. I can only do 21 pullups currently and can't bench 2x bodyweight

    1/23/2012

    J.P. Morgan

    Dear Sir or Madame:

    I am an ambitious undergraduate at NYU triple majoring in Mathematics, Economics, and Computer Science. I am a punctual, personable, and shrewd individual, yet I have a quality which I pride myself on more than any of these.

    I am unequivocally the most unflaggingly hard worker I know, and I love self-improvement. I have always felt that my time should be spent wisely, so I continuously challenge myself; I left Villanova because the work was too easy. Once I realized I could achieve a perfect GPA while holding a part-time job at NYU, I decided to redouble my effort by placing out of two classes, taking two honors classes, and holding two part-time jobs. That semester I achieved a 3.93, and in the same time I managed to bench double my bodyweight and do 35 pull-ups.

    I say these things only because solid evidence is more convincing than unverifiable statements, and I want to demonstrate that I am a hard worker. J.P. Morgan is a firm with a reputation that precedes itself and employees who represent only the best and rightest in finance. I know that the employees in this firm will push me to excellence, especially within the Investment Banking division. In fact, one of the supporting reasons I chose Investment Banking over any other division was that I know it is difficult. I hope to augment my character by diligently working for the professionals at Morgan Stanley, and I feel I have much to offer in return.

    I am proficient in several programming languages, and I can pick up a new one very quickly. For instance, I learned a years worth of Java from NYU in 27 days on my own; this is how I placed out of two including: Money and Banking, Analysis, Game Theory, Probability and Statistics. Even further, I am taking Machine Learning and Probabilistic Graphical Modeling currently, two programming courses offered by Stanford, so that I may truly offer the most if I am accepted. I am proficient with Bloomberg terminals, excellent with excel, and can perform basic office functions with terrifying efficiency. I have plenty of experience in the professional world through my internship at Merrill Lynch, and my research assistant position at NYU. In fact, my most recent employer has found me so useful that he promoted me to a Research Assistant and an official CTED intern. This role is usually reserved for Masters students, but my employer gave the title to me so that he could give me more work.

    Please realize that I am not a braggart or conceited, I just want to outline my usefulness. Egos can be a huge liability, and I try not to have one.

    Thank you so much for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

    Best,

    Mark
    "Flutie was better than Kelly, Elway, Esiason and Cunningham." - Ben Kenobi
    "I have nothing against Wilson, but he's nowhere near the same calibre of QB as Flutie. Flutie threw for 5k+ yards in the CFL." -Ben Kenobi

  • #2
    That semester I achieved a 3.93, and in the same time I managed to bench double my bodyweight and do 35 pull-ups.
    Even I can do more than 35 pull ups over the course of a semester.

    Comment


    • #3
      Cover letters like that are the stuff of Investment Bank legend.
      "I hope I get to punch you in the face one day" - MRT144, Imran Siddiqui
      'I'm fairly certain that a ban on me punching you in the face is not a "right" worth respecting." - loinburger

      Comment


      • #4
        This made the rounds a few days ago.
        12-17-10 Mohamed Bouazizi NEVER FORGET
        Stadtluft Macht Frei
        Killing it is the new killing it
        Ultima Ratio Regum

        Comment


        • #5
          Impossible is Nothing is clearly the pinnacle of such absurdities.
          "I hope I get to punch you in the face one day" - MRT144, Imran Siddiqui
          'I'm fairly certain that a ban on me punching you in the face is not a "right" worth respecting." - loinburger

          Comment


          • #6
            Alexey vayner is awesome.
            12-17-10 Mohamed Bouazizi NEVER FORGET
            Stadtluft Macht Frei
            Killing it is the new killing it
            Ultima Ratio Regum

            Comment


            • #7
              I'm not quite sure what this topic is about.
              "Our words are backed with NUCLEAR WEAPONS!"​​

              Comment


              • #8
                Dear Sir or Madame:

                I'm not a hard workers, because I get it right the first time.
                “As a lifelong member of the Columbia Business School community, I adhere to the principles of truth, integrity, and respect. I will not lie, cheat, steal, or tolerate those who do.”
                "Capitalism ho!"

                Comment


                • #9
                  He can perform basic office functions with TERRIFYING efficiency!

                  "That was the legendary Shingo-Ryuu Jujitsu two-button copy-collate technique! He could kill us all!"
                  1011 1100
                  Pyrebound--a free online serial fantasy novel

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Aeson View Post
                    Even I can do more than 35 pull ups over the course of a semester.
                    ... but could you bench press 2 lbs per day? He managed to bench 2x his body weight over the course of a semester, he does not state if he did it all at once.
                    There's nothing wrong with the dream, my friend, the problem lies with the dreamer.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      "J.P. Morgan is a firm with a reputation that precedes itself and employees who represent only the best and rightest in finance."

                      Great job, kid. You've got two glaring typos in one offensively kiss-ass sentence, right there.
                      1011 1100
                      Pyrebound--a free online serial fantasy novel

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Typos aside, the guy sounds like a c*ck. I wouldn't employ him
                        Speaking of Erith:

                        "It's not twinned with anywhere, but it does have a suicide pact with Dagenham" - Linda Smith

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Probably he got hired...
                          "Ceterum censeo Ben esse expellendum."

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by dannubis View Post
                            Probably he got hired...
                            At J.P.Morgan or Goldman Sachs...they lap up that sh*t.
                            Speaking of Erith:

                            "It's not twinned with anywhere, but it does have a suicide pact with Dagenham" - Linda Smith

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I think it is practical joke by KH.
                              "Ceterum censeo Ben esse expellendum."

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