Is Lori being a dick?

[MikeH]

"Is Lori being a dick"

Yes.

[Lorizael]

Oh? How so?

[MikeH]

I think some people in this thread are giving you some advice, based on the fact that they actually care about what happens do you, and you are being a dick to them about it.

They might not have all the information, though I think you've shared enough, but even if you don't agree with what they are saying remember when you respond that it is well meant from people who are actually concerned about you.

And possibly think about why you are being so defensive in response to their reasonable suggestions.

[Lorizael]

I'm really quite confused right now. I don't know what I've said in this thread that could be construed as dickish. There are other threads about EBFWRML in which I've been significantly more hostile and defensive. The intent behind the majority of my posts in this thread has been light-hearted.

This is an honest question here: What have I said, specifically, that makes me a dick?

[MikeH]

Oh I don't know, it's just a general sense of dickishness I've got reading the thread.

I think mainly around the idea that this situation might be particularly special or different to similar situations we might have had.

[Lorizael]

The interesting thing is that in real life there are two people I know who consider the EBF to be an evil psychopath - a male friend of mine who used to have a crush on her, and my second ex-girlfriend. Both of them say that I'm particularly defensive about this issue, that I think the EBF is perfect in every way, and that I can't see the truth.

The vast majority of people I know, however, don't actually think EBF is a crazy, life-sucking *****. They think she has problems, to be sure, but they generally believe her to be a genuinely good person. They also don't think that I'm blind to the truth. In fact, one such person, my first ex-girlfriend - who has every reason in the world to hate the EBF (but is in fact very good friends with her) - thinks that I've been unreasonably cruel and harsh to the EBF.

So it's strange to me that Apolyton universally takes the same approach to this as my guy friend and second ex-girlfriend, considering that none of you have ever been hurt by the EBF. I don't know if the fault lies with the way in which I've presented this issue, or how I come across online, or some other factor. The alternative, of course, is that you all are right about her and that I am far more deluded than I usually believe myself to be.

I don't know.

[Elok]

I don't know about being a dick, but consider that:

1. This woman is a known drama-bomb who has contributed to the ruin of two previous relationships
2. Last we heard of her, six months ago, she was mentally ill and considering killing herself
3. We have not been giving any mitigating factors or additional information which might lead us to change our opinion of her

Why should we say "go on, get back in touch"? Is there any reason you've withheld as to why you should get her back in your life?

[rah]

I don't know if the fault lies with the way in which I've presented this issue

Yes, you have presented her as a manipulating wack job, probably in your attempt to make it sound more humorous.

is that you all are right about her and that I am far more deluded than I usually believe myself to be

Yes, most of us believe this to be the case.

[MikeH]

I don't think she's an evil psychopath, I'm not sure anyone saying to keep away from her really thinks that either. My view was that she was very manipulative, but that was as a consequence of her psychological issues. So... yeah, manipulating wack job I suppose.

I think she's extremely unhealthy for you to be around mentally, and that's as much because of your issues as because of hers.

[Lorizael]

2. Last we heard of her, six months ago, she was mentally ill and considering killing herself

If her facebook posts are to be believed, she's actually quite happy right now and has turned things around. However, I've known her for close to a decade and she's gone through this rollercoaster before. It's possible that she hit rock bottom and has finally turned a corner for good, but it's equally possible she'll be back in another depressive and suicidal hole in a few months time.

[Lorizael]

I think she's extremely unhealthy for you to be around mentally, and that's as much because of your issues as because of hers.

Indeed.

[MikeH]

Maybe I'm being a dick.

[Lorizael]

This is Apolyton. We're all dicks.

[notyoueither]

I think she's extremely unhealthy for you to be around mentally, and that's as much because of your issues as because of hers.

This.

I don't know how many of the posters here have been really, really close to a woman without sex or a primary relationship (she is the SO). I am. I have to take steps to protect myself and my other relationships from my own and other peoples' expectations and assumptions.

I think you have to ask yourself if you are ready to protect yourself and your relationship from the consequences of contact with the EBF-whatever before you allow that.

You might tell her that you are moving on with your life and are not ready for contact with her at this point.

[Elok]

It belatedly occurs to me that, if you have to resort to lengthy discussion to decide whether a person should be in your life, that's a strong "no" indicator. I mean, I'm around my friends because their company naturally makes me happy. I don't have to argue pro and con, because there is no con. I could see there being a con if, for example, my wife didn't approve of a friend of mine, but that isn't the case here. Your girlfriend, as of the last thread, had no problem with this chick. It sounds like you do. And that means she's not a friend so much as emotional baggage you can't quite bring yourself to toss. Of course, I don't know the lady, but you don't make it sound like you want her in your life, and that's all the answer you need.