Would someone like to inherit this DL?

[Aeson]

I would like to congratulate HC on a job well done. I also recently re-watched "School Ties" and have a new-found respect for the hardships he must have faced in those preppy east coast schools.

[Egbert]

I would like to congratulate HC on a job well done. I also recently re-watched "School Ties" and have a new-found respect for the hardships he must have faced in those preppy east coast schools.

I second this although I have not watched "School Ties".

Good job HC

Anyway, HC is out of the preppy east coast school, and the mega-bathroom complex.

[Ecthy]

This absolutely requires a 2 months ban and a severe post count reduction. 20% should be appropriate.

[loinburger]

Am I the only one who gets a petty, vulgar thrill out of Something Awful's ongoing parody of Levi Johnston?

I'M MARRIED AND AMERICA IS ABOUT TO GET A DIVORCE


I'm not saying me and sunny plan to have a bunch more kids, I'm just saying I don't know of any ways to stop it from happening.

Yo, what is up, turd-tuggers? I hope life has been treatin' you good. A lot of **** has gone down since my last report to the Internet, so let me bring you up to speed.

Hurricane Sammy hit New York City and mayor Chip Crispy went to look at boats with Obama like a post apocalypse Laurel and Hardy. That fat ****er got a call from Bruce Springsteen and he said he is voting for Brock Obama to be president which pissed off some people who were from weight watchers I guess.

Around the time that was happening in even bigger more important news I got hitched up to my loving girlfriend Sunny who is a beautiful babe who is also the mother of my daughter Breeze Beretta and probably the second best chick in town at taking it all the way to the microphone stand when she freestyles if you know what I mean. I mean she is a pro gagger who gets off on unit puking, so if yall like sick duck sounds you can just wait to around 10 pm or whenever the baby shuts the **** up and stand outside the window of the trailer we are squatting until we become defacto owners. It'll sound like Donald Duck is choking on a five dollar foot long and the reality won't be too far off.

So the election **** happened. A bunch of people voted and I forgot to do that but the only election I cared about with my vote was Roy Pepperidge who is the sheriff that put me on house arrest for choking out a notary public when she tried to make me pay 1.75 for her autograph. I was like "What the **** wayne gretzky you think I'm gonna put this up on ebay I'm just trying to officialize my patent application for my three way pistol idea, which I think is gonna be our secret to defeating osama bin laden in the war on terror. Get the triple shot into the hands of some navy seals with head bands and camo pants and they will **** up alcatos." So then I got arrested for that including getting tased even though I have a heart condition caused by monster energy drinks but I pleaded not guilty since I was on itchy and scratchy at the time of the incident and everybody knows if you take Dextrosomyl and smoke it with weed it will make you start thinking everything is a cartoon.

Anyway the election is my main message, so pay attention.

First of all a big **** you to Mitch Romney who lost his **** like a ***** even though my cousin Gandalf - and don't even say **** because I have heard it so many times I will **** you up if you start with that on me again - convinced me to invest a bunch of money on Mitch Romney on this stupid web page called Intrade. He was like "oh no way dude he has got this you got to unskew that **** and you see the truth" and I am big into truth seeking ever since I learned Ice Hand the lost wendigo martial art from the spirits of past wendigos who appeared to me when I tried smoking one of those pucks that turns your toilet water blue so anyway I did what Gandalf said and invested a ton of money on Intrade and guess what???? Mitch Romney lost. And Gandalf isn't anywhere around, last I saw he checked in on Facebook was at the peach pit, the strip club that's outdoors at a gravel pit during the off season.

It wouldn't be a big deal to me because it wasn't my money, but that's just the problem. It was the Zetas money and now they are after me. Those stupid mother****ers gave me 18,000 dollars to buy Of Montreal which is what they call Quebec LSD which comes as acid-soaked jigsaw puzzles of dogs and babies and so to cover up that I spent all their LSD money losing it to mitch romneys stupid ass I soaked some puzzles in cream soda and gasoline and I guess I made one of the zetas go blind. So now I got my head on a swivel watching out for the Alpha Omega Zetas to drive up on me in their pickups and drag me off to do some hazing type **** at U of A like blindfold me and make me eat a dog's dook-knot or put my hand in spaghetti or something. I'm too busy to deal with that ****.


The Zetas haven't got me yet but only because I had bigger monster truck tires on my pickup.

But back to the election, I have been reading a lot about that on the computers at the library because it's one of only three places in town I am allowed to go while on electronic monitoring and ever since I got caught trying to copy pornos on the library computer I have only been allowed to go to non-porno websites.

Which by the way librarians **** you. You are not helpful at all. When I tried to copy grandma nut drainers to my Drive Angry blu ray you were like "that is a cd rom drive and you can't copy stuff to blu rays on it and what is this website?" and I was like beep boop beep bill gates it's just the hottest 50+ GILFs draining huge nutloads of jizz with their nasty grandma pussies what the **** is your problem this is america. Then they tried to call the cops and I was like "you all better back off I am allowed to be here and I pay your salaries" so they tased me again because violence is always how police win arguments and then we came to an agreement where I can use the library facilities as long as I don't go to porno websites or watch hockey youtubes because both of them make me violent. Or so they say.

Now I hung out with Mitch Romney a little bit when I was on the campaign. He was boring as hell. Did you know his favorite meal is buttered noodles? I feel more boring just knowing that. I remember one time I was on the bus and it was after a long day and he was like "Levi come back here we have a video game set up you can play it with the kids" and there were these creepy ass kids all wearing the same sweater and I was like "sup retards" and then I sat down to play video games and all they had was wii tennis, but all their mii characters were bible characters and I was like okay rod and todd watch this **** and I picked judas and tore them apart with my physicality and dominating presence in all sports. And Mitch was like "come on Levi these kids are like 8 you don't got to showboat it so much" and I was like "***** if your shirt wasn't tucked in tighter than a drumhead I would pull that over your head and yoke you so hard your abs would turn blue and wolf blitzer would call you jake sully.

That was how I got kicked off the bus the first time. There were two other times that I am not going to go into here but suffice it to say Tagg Romney probably still wonders why his wife walks with a limp.

So the point is that America is divided up by all these divisions. Like some people are straight players who know how to clean an endangered bear before a ranger finds you and hand-load ammo and aren't afraid to do donuts in the wasilla pd parking lot and some dudes are eating peanut butter and honey sandwiches trying not to cry because they spent their whole life trying to fulfill their father's dream for no reason other than personal achievement and yet some black guy and a fat guy prevented you from being anything more than a footnote. Nobody remembers who ran against president and lost after a few years. I mean does anybody even remember who was running against George Bush in 2000? Dukapis? Roosslevelt? **** if I know. The point is even lame losers who suck at everything can get along with way badass studs who get laid non-stop. We need to end this partisan pickering and do what's right for America.

There are three issues confronting america in the aftermath of this election:

Number one: Mexicans. What the hell guys? There are like ten times as many of you as before. I mean I like Mexicans those dudes know how to party but enough already. We get it.

Number two: Israel. I don't know what it is, but I know it's important. Might be a computer program like the big face in Tron that controls everything. I know it is running nuclears or something.

Number three: Spring break. HOW THE **** is MTV Spring Break cancelled. That show was the best ****ing show ever and I turn it on now and where are the beaches and the crazy games. I want dudes named Luke and Brandon and chicks named Kelly and Cinnamon giving each other showers and making whipped cream bikinis and **** now I got no idea what channel is even MTV ever since Direct TV ****ed everything up and somehow I am stuck on channel 9867 and it just plays music and tells me to press the channel guide button. Hey mother****er, if I had the channel guide button you think I would be watching Monk episodes on Ion? No, I hate that mother****er, he makes me nervous as hell he looks like a terrorist and he's all twitchy you know he has a bomb somewhere around there and that silence of the lambs dude is somehow even creepier now. I don't even think Ion is an American channel. I'm liking getting Canada satellite or something. So let's get this **** sorted.

A wary nation and a bias media turns our eyes to Brock Obama and the house republicans and asks, can you lead us towards unity in the aftermath of this divisive election?

I don't know, seems like a long shot. **** it though, right?

PEACE!

- Levi "HOckey" Johnston

[Hauldren Collider]

well this was quite a necro...