OK, WTF is this???!!!! Guynemer, Dr. Strangelove...

[Boris Godunov]

I was lying in bed after waking up this morning, and I feel like I have to get a bit of phlegm up. So I do, and it feels like a large, hard food bolus enters the back of my throat. What emerges is a 1/2 inch dark red chunk of... something. It looks like dark raw meat or liver. WHAT THE **** IS THIS??

I feel perfectly fine. I haven't been sick in ages. Am I dying?

[Guynemer]

Yes, you're dying. You clearly have heart cancer super AIDS.



Hard to say, exactly. If you otherwise feel fine, I wouldn't sweat it too much; you could have had a nose bleed in your sleep and just coughed up a clot.

[Zoetstofzoetje]

could be just something that was stuck in your throat.

[Guynemer]

Now, that said, if you start feeling worse, bad cough, nausea, fever, etc., I'd go see your doctor. If you feel fine, meh, even the Mona Lisa is falling apart.

[Boris Godunov]

Yes, you're dying. You clearly have heart cancer super AIDS.

****, that's how grandma went.

Hard to say, exactly. If you otherwise feel fine, I wouldn't sweat it too much; you could have had a nose bleed in your sleep and just coughed up a clot.

That would make sense, as I've had a couple of inexplicable nose bleeds within the past 2 weeks. I'm not sure why those are happening.

Still, I put in a sandwich bag just in case I decided to go to the emergency room. It's been 45 minutes, and it hasn't dried out--it still has the consistency of raw meat. Is that typical for a blood clot?

This is so disgusting.

[Boris Godunov]

could be just something that was stuck in your throat.

I've not ingested anything that looks remotely like that. And contrary to what someone may have written on a bathroom wall somewhere, my throat is not big enough to accommodate something like that unnoticed.

[Guynemer]

'Tis allergy season, that could trigger enough irritation to cause nosebleeds. As for it not drying out yet... it probably spent at least the last few hours incubating in your various and sundry bodily fluids. When I see kids who are pulling/blowing clots from their nose, they stay extra delightful for quite some time.

Yes, I have an awesome job.


Again, if you're feeling okay, no other major symptoms, I'd chalk it up to your nosebleeds, which could be caused by anything or nothing. Make sure your nostrils are staying well hydrated--drink lots of fluids, don't be afraid to annoit your nares with Vaseline--and consider whether or not you think you might be having any allergy or sinus symptoms.

[Boris Godunov]

Thanks, Guynemer. Send me the bill.

Hmm, now what to do with this lovely clot in the sandwich baggie...

[Guynemer]

Got an ex-boyfriend or co-worker you especially dislike?

[Boris Godunov]

Not nearby. But the cat has been especially annoying this morning...

[Guynemer]

Must be going around. Our new cat decided she wanted to play rough and clawed/gnawed the **** out of my doctorin' arm, just before I left for the office this morning. Huzzah! Luckily, I've had a ****-ton of no-shows, so I've been able to diagnose and treat you via the wonder of the series of tubes.

[Boris Godunov]

Oh mine doesn't do anything like that, she's extra-gentle. No, she just kept licking my hands/arms in the middle of the night. Nothing quite like being awakened by that sandpaper-like tongue raking over your flesh in an ostensible display of affection.

[Dinner]

It's part of your lung as you have consumption.