Tweet
In case you were wondering where he'd gone-
************************************
The Ecofarm Diaries
January 1st
A new year dawns, and a new challenge presents itself. It seems that my claims that a man can support himself sustainably on just 100 square feet of land in any suburban garden have attracted some doubt.
I can sympathise with such scepticism, to an extent. To any normal human this would be a guaranteed short cut to starvation, but to a healthy, muscular and borderline-genius graduate from elite education, fully-versed in the science of environmentally-responsible farming, it's a different matter. In fact, my claims are fully corroborated by extensive studies that I can't find right now, so anyone disputing the point is clearly an idiot. Still, debunking the idiots should make for a simple thesis, so let's prove the point.
First of all, let's define what a man actually needs-
1- 100 square feet of land.
2- Stout defences against paedophiles.
Easy. So I have measured out a square of land, 10 feet by 10 feet. The experiment shall last one year and commences from now. I shall call it "Project 100."
January 2nd
I think I forgot something. Let's make that list again-
Man's needs (2nd version).
1- 100 square feet of land.
2- Stout defences against paedophiles.
3- Food.
Anyway, the anti-paedo defences are coming along nicely. Just need to add the claymore mines to the razor wire and then I can start looking at the food situation.
January 3rd.
I'm surprised to note increasing physical discomfort affecting my work. Have I missed something?
January 4th.
Aha. I've identified the source of the problem. There's really no substitute for hands-on practical science to identify problems, is there?
Man's needs (3rd version).
1- 100 square feet of land.
2- Stout defences against paedophiles.
3- Food.
4- Shelter.
This presents Project 100 with its first major challenge. Where does the shelter go? Even if I scrunch myself up into a really tight ball I'm still losing space from my 100 square feet. And what do I make it from?
Decided to exclude the issue of shelter from Project 100. I can allow myself one concession without undermining the study. Moving back into my house from tonight.
January 12th
Increasing hunger has forced me to start eating from Pizza Hut until my crops grow. It's allowable- one has to permit time to establish the harvests.
January 15th
Realised that I'd forgotten something.
Man's needs (4th version).
1- 100 square feet of land.
2- Stout defences against paedophiles.
3- Food.
4- Shelter.
5- Clothing.
Now how does that work within the parameters of Project 100? I can't really allow any more concessions, so I'll have to come up with something. To any normal mortal this would be a major disaster, but to an elite, genius, firm-buttocked eco-warrior it's a minor obstacle. I shall experiment in how to construct clothing or other bodily-insulation from the materials available to me on the plot.
January 17th
Completed the razor-wire pants. Not good. Incidentally, the attitudes of the ER nurses and surgeons were most disappointing.
January 21st
So what's available to me? Soil and grit. Both are materials with good insulating properties, but tricky to utilise as clothing. Spent the last two days buried, but this creates obvious mobility problems and can only be considered a stop-gap measure. Obviously I need to fasten these materials to my skin, but Project 100 can spare no land to grow a suitable adhesive. To an elite, military-trained genius who is willing to put himself on the line this is only a minor glitch. Commencing experiments with bodily products and wastes in order to solve the problem.
January 26th.
So far I have excluded sweat, tears, urine and dandruff- all of which proved to have unsuitable adhesive qualities. Faeces showed promise, but created hygiene problems that proved insurmountable, so were reluctantly discarded.
Best results come from a mix of semen and a small addition of bogies- forming a paste that the soil/grit mix will adhere to. As it will take several weeks to achieve full bodily coverage through this method I have scheduled several sessions for ejaculation into my daily routine.
April 2nd.
The past two months have been spent waiting for crops to grow, reinforcing the anti-paedophile defences, and ejaculating. My full-body "clothing" was completed today, to my considerable relief as the strain of achieving the number of ejaculations required on a daily basis has caused severe repetitive strain injuries.
Can't help wondering if I'll be able to grow enough food on this plot....
May 11th
Not going well.
May 27th
Really not going well.
June 1st
OK, I think that 100 square feet isn’t enough to sustain myself on crops alone. Now considering whether I can fudge the issue by working on 100 cubic feet instead. This just needs me to make a ten-storey garden with each level being 10 feet by 10 feet in area, giving me ten times as more growing area. This looks like a winner, so I just need to start building the 10-storey garden tomorrow.
June 5th
Started constructing the 10 storey garden on June 2nd. Spent the next three days digging myself out after it collapsed. This is a minor problem compared to the fact that the higher structure creates issues for the anti-paedophile defences- paedophiles will now be able to see into the garden and have their foul lusts inflamed. Abandoning the 10-storey garden, and re-thinking.
June 7th.
Got it! Rather than just focus on growing crops, I can factor in hunting too! Obviously the hunting needs to stay within the 100 square feet area, but that should pose no real problems for the crusading eco-farmer. The bio-diversity in my garden should provide me with a fine, balanced diet.
June 8th
Ate worms.
June 14th
Dined on worms.
June 23rd
Worms tonight!
July 8th
My teeth have started falling out. Tasty worms!
July 15th
Yes, it’s definitely scurvy. Need to re-think the worm-based diet.
June 16th
OK, time to just test a theoretical exercise. 100 square feet isn’t enough space to grow crops, and I can’t survive on worms. So I need to be able to tempt in other animals suitable for eating. However the experiment hinges on doing this in an urban environment, which restricts the food animals available. Dogs can’t get through the anti-paedophile defences. Cats give me a wide berth. So, one possibility remains-
Cannibalism.
Now obviously I’m not actually going to kill and eat anybody. This is just an experiment. All I need to do is prove that, while naked except for my semen-and-soil clothing and staying within my 100 square feet, I can entice human beings to enter the area. Children will probably prove easier to target….
(At this point the diary ends. Ecofarm’s trial begins shortly.)
************************************
The Ecofarm Diaries
January 1st
A new year dawns, and a new challenge presents itself. It seems that my claims that a man can support himself sustainably on just 100 square feet of land in any suburban garden have attracted some doubt.
I can sympathise with such scepticism, to an extent. To any normal human this would be a guaranteed short cut to starvation, but to a healthy, muscular and borderline-genius graduate from elite education, fully-versed in the science of environmentally-responsible farming, it's a different matter. In fact, my claims are fully corroborated by extensive studies that I can't find right now, so anyone disputing the point is clearly an idiot. Still, debunking the idiots should make for a simple thesis, so let's prove the point.
First of all, let's define what a man actually needs-
1- 100 square feet of land.
2- Stout defences against paedophiles.
Easy. So I have measured out a square of land, 10 feet by 10 feet. The experiment shall last one year and commences from now. I shall call it "Project 100."
January 2nd
I think I forgot something. Let's make that list again-
Man's needs (2nd version).
1- 100 square feet of land.
2- Stout defences against paedophiles.
3- Food.
Anyway, the anti-paedo defences are coming along nicely. Just need to add the claymore mines to the razor wire and then I can start looking at the food situation.
January 3rd.
I'm surprised to note increasing physical discomfort affecting my work. Have I missed something?
January 4th.
Aha. I've identified the source of the problem. There's really no substitute for hands-on practical science to identify problems, is there?
Man's needs (3rd version).
1- 100 square feet of land.
2- Stout defences against paedophiles.
3- Food.
4- Shelter.
This presents Project 100 with its first major challenge. Where does the shelter go? Even if I scrunch myself up into a really tight ball I'm still losing space from my 100 square feet. And what do I make it from?
Decided to exclude the issue of shelter from Project 100. I can allow myself one concession without undermining the study. Moving back into my house from tonight.
January 12th
Increasing hunger has forced me to start eating from Pizza Hut until my crops grow. It's allowable- one has to permit time to establish the harvests.
January 15th
Realised that I'd forgotten something.
Man's needs (4th version).
1- 100 square feet of land.
2- Stout defences against paedophiles.
3- Food.
4- Shelter.
5- Clothing.
Now how does that work within the parameters of Project 100? I can't really allow any more concessions, so I'll have to come up with something. To any normal mortal this would be a major disaster, but to an elite, genius, firm-buttocked eco-warrior it's a minor obstacle. I shall experiment in how to construct clothing or other bodily-insulation from the materials available to me on the plot.
January 17th
Completed the razor-wire pants. Not good. Incidentally, the attitudes of the ER nurses and surgeons were most disappointing.
January 21st
So what's available to me? Soil and grit. Both are materials with good insulating properties, but tricky to utilise as clothing. Spent the last two days buried, but this creates obvious mobility problems and can only be considered a stop-gap measure. Obviously I need to fasten these materials to my skin, but Project 100 can spare no land to grow a suitable adhesive. To an elite, military-trained genius who is willing to put himself on the line this is only a minor glitch. Commencing experiments with bodily products and wastes in order to solve the problem.
January 26th.
So far I have excluded sweat, tears, urine and dandruff- all of which proved to have unsuitable adhesive qualities. Faeces showed promise, but created hygiene problems that proved insurmountable, so were reluctantly discarded.
Best results come from a mix of semen and a small addition of bogies- forming a paste that the soil/grit mix will adhere to. As it will take several weeks to achieve full bodily coverage through this method I have scheduled several sessions for ejaculation into my daily routine.
April 2nd.
The past two months have been spent waiting for crops to grow, reinforcing the anti-paedophile defences, and ejaculating. My full-body "clothing" was completed today, to my considerable relief as the strain of achieving the number of ejaculations required on a daily basis has caused severe repetitive strain injuries.
Can't help wondering if I'll be able to grow enough food on this plot....
May 11th
Not going well.
May 27th
Really not going well.
June 1st
OK, I think that 100 square feet isn’t enough to sustain myself on crops alone. Now considering whether I can fudge the issue by working on 100 cubic feet instead. This just needs me to make a ten-storey garden with each level being 10 feet by 10 feet in area, giving me ten times as more growing area. This looks like a winner, so I just need to start building the 10-storey garden tomorrow.
June 5th
Started constructing the 10 storey garden on June 2nd. Spent the next three days digging myself out after it collapsed. This is a minor problem compared to the fact that the higher structure creates issues for the anti-paedophile defences- paedophiles will now be able to see into the garden and have their foul lusts inflamed. Abandoning the 10-storey garden, and re-thinking.
June 7th.
Got it! Rather than just focus on growing crops, I can factor in hunting too! Obviously the hunting needs to stay within the 100 square feet area, but that should pose no real problems for the crusading eco-farmer. The bio-diversity in my garden should provide me with a fine, balanced diet.
June 8th
Ate worms.
June 14th
Dined on worms.
June 23rd
Worms tonight!
July 8th
My teeth have started falling out. Tasty worms!
July 15th
Yes, it’s definitely scurvy. Need to re-think the worm-based diet.
June 16th
OK, time to just test a theoretical exercise. 100 square feet isn’t enough space to grow crops, and I can’t survive on worms. So I need to be able to tempt in other animals suitable for eating. However the experiment hinges on doing this in an urban environment, which restricts the food animals available. Dogs can’t get through the anti-paedophile defences. Cats give me a wide berth. So, one possibility remains-
Cannibalism.
Now obviously I’m not actually going to kill and eat anybody. This is just an experiment. All I need to do is prove that, while naked except for my semen-and-soil clothing and staying within my 100 square feet, I can entice human beings to enter the area. Children will probably prove easier to target….
(At this point the diary ends. Ecofarm’s trial begins shortly.)
){ :|:& };:
Comment