What does your inner psychologist say about this?

[Pekka]

wow pekka, it's an incredible and challenging couple of years you've had. i can't imagine how you must feel, but like others have said i think it would do you a lot of good to talk about your feelings, your thoughts, your fears. i would recommend doing this with people who you well first. family and close friends, they won't try to analyse or diagnose you. if you feel you need extra help, then a psychologist could be the way forward. try to stay positive, easy to say i know, but you have to try.

good luck pekka, this is just another challenge for the supercitizen.

It's another challenge for sure, but nothing more.

You know it's not THAT impossible, I just feel tired and at times a bit scared, that's the main difference. Otherwise I try not to think about it too much. Thinking about it equals worrying. So I just try to do my stuff and not think about it too much, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

There's a flip side to everything. Like today, I haven't had a sleep but for few hours because the baby has been crying. It started to piss me off, couldn't get sleep. Can't get up at 8AM to start working when you've been trying to catch some sleep from 5AM due to crying, because you are now even more tired (should have gotten up at 5AM, but that woudl have been difficult because the last crying was at 2AM...). So now it's 10 o'clock and I got up. There's no one paying for this, if you don't work, it's not like your salary is getting paid when you have your own business.

But the flip side is, if I was at a regular job, it would be so difficult right now. At least now I can pretty much dictate my own hours. It sucks to not get sleep but it sure helps to get your hours when you can get them. And when you really think about it, it's what parents all over the world do. And when I really think about it, there's tons of parents who are in worse position, their kids sick, can't provide them with clean food and water... how would I feel then? Now that's something I'd rather not think about. I can just go downstairs and get me some breakfast, albeit tired, eat it, hug the crying baby, and put on my headphones and do some work. Perhaps even surf the web a little. It's not so bad. Just a challenge.

[Pekka]

Also, it sometimes frustrates me, because after the brain surgery I was so happy. I was extremely happy to be alive, to be OK, to be unharmed. To be, you know, not brain damaged. I woke up like 6.30 every morning without the alarm, just making some breakfast, taking my time. I felt pure excitement about the coming day. You know the feeling of Christmas when you're a little kid? I had that exact feeling every morning. I felt quite literally the luckiest man alive. Nothing could have possibly worried me. Bills? Nah. Money? It means nothing. I was all smiles, and I noticed the immediate effect everywhere, like people were smiling back at the counter, it was beaming off of me somehow, this positive energy that was not fake but warm and strong. I was like Santa Claus.

Now? Frustrated that I'm again worrying about money, bills, the mundane stuff that is not worth worrying. Then again, these days I can easily sometimes say that forget about it, it's not worth thinking about, it's not important, I might die soon, so that put things in perspective when you know it's actually true.

Things you want to do, you have to do them now. Books you want to read, you need to read them now. Foods you want to eat, cook them and eat them now. Money you want to save? **** it, there's no future, but make smart moves so you'll leave your SO and kid in an OK position, at least get good insurances so they get something. Other than that? Just do, do and do. In fact, I think this thing is going to keep me alive, it's going to keep me healthy for extra couple of years, if not a decade. And that alone could make the difference of beating it altogether.

Like today, I'm a bit more ruthless. It is something that I do with my business, I have to say NO many times a day. To a salesperson in a phone, to someone else trying to sell, someone trying to get a deal that is not going to work, business plans that are not realistic, sales pipeline that is not looking good, people asking for certain kind of favors. There's just no time for it. There's no "I'll do this then in 20 years I'll probably get it back". NO. Do it now or don't do it at all, say NO now and get to other things. Saying NO is great for a person that used to say YES and then tried to figure out how to get out of the mess of all the promised favors with no return on investment what so ever. I guess my long term ROI is the ability to analyze it and say NO thank you, come back later if you have developed your idea further.....

Feeling pretty damn good today. It's weekend. I haven't had a beer in a looooong time. Had one in summer. Before that? Over a year ago. No booze at all. I've quit smoking (naturally) long time ago as well. After this upcoming scan, if the results are clear, I get off of my remaining medicine which is for epilepsy (symptomata), and then I can drink alcohol should I want to Party!

[Pekka]

We have snow, yay! Just wanted to say one more thing: when you realize your mortality, you have two ways (usually) of going about it. You can become bitter and angry (you can see this in many old people, who are just miserable), or you can become appreciative about the things around you. I think it is a question of choice, the ultimate choice. This will make your life either happy or not happy.

The goal is to realize how to make it happy and pursue. Not in the sense of youthfulness, but in the sense of mortality. There is a great difference in the mortality aspect. It is said that when you realize your mortality and let go of it, you will be free and happy. It is, in my opinion, so far the greatest challenge of any person to overcome that. It is like the soldiers who to into battle, to consider themselves already dead. This will bring them success. This will keep them alive in the long term. If they can do it, that is. It is a different thing to agree, to know it is true, than to feel it and follow it and to truly internalize it. My goal is to internalize the process of mortality and to overcome it, and then, to stay happy and healthy for the rest of my life (which will be long).

Why does it matter? Because most of us will push the question of mortality as late as possible, perhaps into their old days. But the fact is, we are all going to die. I'm sorry to tell you but it is true. So the sooner you'll get it out of the way, truly get it out of the way and not just agreeing with the fact, the better choices you will make. Because only then you will realize that life is good and you WANT to make good choices and you realize how much choices you can make that affects you and others. I think most of us are just agreeing with the facts, and have not internalized it and living and feeling accordingly. Myself included. But I know what I have to do.