What does your inner psychologist say about this?

[Pekka]

I guess what I'm going through is normal and even mundane. But let me make a really quick recap. Things that have happened in the last year:
1.) My SO was diagnosed with depression, a diagnosis which I do not disagree with. It's been difficult, but she's been a trooper.
2.) I was diagnosed with brain cancer. This has been really difficult for me, I've undergone successful surgery and so far things are OK.
3.) We had a baby. She is lovely but it is also a lot of work.
4.) We've just completed our third move. Meaning we've pretty much moved all our stuff three times within a year. We are pretty sure this is the one for a long time we're in now though.
5.) I got fired (I'd like to add, illegally), for "lying" about my disease. My boss said I have to show evidence it is cancer (because first I said it was a tumor, non-cancerous, but at that time everyone thought it was). This naturally pissed me off as my boss was a true narcissist *******, who I truly do hate as a person. At the end, he broke the law, and I stayed calm, so it didn't look very good for my employer so they were really happy to give me a grant ASAP in return of me not saying a thing.
6.) I'm on my second serious year of entrepreneurship. This means that there is no guaranteed monthly salary. The business is good but it is only so far, nobody knows what it will be in the future. That said, we're living tight because my SO takes care of the baby so I'm the only provider. This gives me a lot of pressure. I can't get sick, I have to succeed in my ventures.
7.) I have no place to vent. I go to gym a lot and that's good but it feels like I can't talk about my inner anxiety and feelings to anyone. I think of death every day. Not about killing myself, but having the knowledge that most likely I am not going to live very long. It has become painful as I play with my daughter, to think things like "I hope I get to see her read something". I'd much rather think "I hope I get to see her children".

So this all in one year.

Now I feel like I can't get much done. I live on making things happen and capitalizing on that momentum few an hour or so a day. The rest of the day is just... seeming busy. I'm not really doing anything, except being anxious. I'm trying to overcome this all every day, sometimes I feel like I'm getting there, but sometimes (about half of the time) I feel like I'm not. I feel stuck. Stuck in some weird place. I'm not depressed per se, I'm not.. I don't know what's wrong with me. All I know is that I'm not able to concentrate well (neuro-psychological tests went well, that's not the point, the clinical side of it), nor am I interested in things. It seems like I can't enjoy, or it is at least difficult to have a happy feeling. I have happy feelings with my daughter, but that's about it.

What does your inner psychologist say? What should I do? I think I'm stuck and I don't think a real psychologist can help much. They'd ask me how I feel about it and when I say it, then what do I think about that. And here's few pills for anxiety, first ones for free just out of my drawer and don't worry, no side effects. That is to say, my belief in psychology is OK, but there are WAAAYYY too many amateurs out there who should be listed next to new age healers and small cult leaders.

[Pekka]

Forgot to add that right after the surgery I had infection in my liver, it was swollen and hurting really bad. Turned out some gall stones had started to make their adventure so that was another operation. My immune system was weak after two operations in a row and mentally I was pretty low as well, thinking if I'm going to survive at the end of it since everything seems to go wrong, then had some nasty virus that lasted almost a week. Basically from the end of last year until March of this year was pretty much in and out of the hospital, from "I don't know what's going to happen" into "we live to see another day".

Good news is that I'm beginning to think it was just a wave. All people have waves. This was my first wave. I have a new MRI scan in few weeks. It scares the hell out of me. I'm trying to think positively but it's difficult. I'm trying to think that even if there is something, I'll just make through anyway. Somehow I will survive and keep on going. People have survived with worse odds, right? People have bounced back from worse conditions and with worse hands dealt. In fact, it is common, it's just that people don't like to talk about it too much. I don't like to talk about it either. I even hate the word. You know, if this time I'm still clean, it's 1 year already. They say with this condition, after a year, the next scan will be in 1 year, that is I don't have to do this in a year. Now I've had to do it every 3 months. But now the gap will be 1 year if nothing shows up. After that it's 2 years! And then I'm closing on 10 year mark, and if nothing shows up in 10 years, I'm pretty much in the safe waters. And this is the first year, soon over. 9 more to go, yes? And in 10 years, even if it comes back after then, I mean 10 years is a long time for medical science and procedures to develop, it'll be much more advanced, giving me a better prognosis even with a new condition. Just have to make this one first.

It really sucks, you go there, and it's only old people and you. And you feel bitter, you're like FU old people, yeah it's sad but you have silver hair. Mine is brown. And then you realize there are little kids with the same thing and then you just shut up and feel anxious for not having the right to feel bad.

[Pekka]

The idea I like the most is that I got my disease because without it, it is not sure if we would have had our daughter. We were idiots for even thinking that the time is not right. It weighed on the decision, that it is not a decision, there never will be a "right time", it's a baby and we're having it. Now, thinking back on it? I mean I'd happily give my life for my daughter. So in a way, if it is meant to be, it is meant to be. It would have been much worse not to see her come into this world. In a way, with death, then, comes the ultimate victory.

Is this becoming a whiny thread or what? I'm just scared of scan, it's a helluva thing. Most of us will probably go through it at some point anyway. So some of you know, most of you will get to know. It sucks, but there is some comfort in knowing that many people will go through it. In that way, you're not alone. What the hell, I'll get a clean record in a month! Then it's Christmas and I will be enjoying my vacation and eating like a pig with my daughter. And then you know what? I get my driving privileges back and I get to drink alcohol! Yes, a year without alcohol has been the case.

Now that I'm more familiar with health issues regarding nutrition and life style... man, it's no wonder a lot of people get this disease. You never know what the ultimate reason will be, but.. Oh ****, water boiling over.. **** gotta go!

[Aeson]

Good luck with the scan Pekka

[Aeson]

My inner shrink thinks you've shown a lot of resilience the past year, and that a bit of depression is perfectly reasonable to expect when going through such things. You'll beat it.

[dannubis]

Pekka, it seems to me you need to take a bit of time and let your mind heal from what you've gone through. Schedule at talk with a psychologist (not the kind that subscribes medicine, but the kind that listens to you talk). It does help

[Pekka]

So you guys think psychologist would be a good idea? I'm not totally opposed to it. Just don't want to see those who first give you a "do this test" and it has 1-7 likert scale asking pretty stupid questions and then they calculate the points like some test in Cosmopolitan magazine and say if you're depressed or not. It is something that makes my skin itch, it's irritating. Like what do I need a psychologist for, to calculate the 3+4+7+1+4+etc?

I guess too many changes, nothing constant. Too much pressure, too much to adapt to in a short period of time. All I know is this: I'm really scared of the scan and if it turns out OK, I'll be fine. It's a year of no appointments. The first time it hits you, it sucks but you're in a shock in a way, so you don't really get it. You're just in the process. I was kind of hopeful. Putting on a smile. It's weird to go into a hospital, check in and not know for sure if you come back, you do weird things like not pay a bill (as a sign of "i have to come back and pay the bill"), you leave things unsaid and undone. You've got appointments with the doctors, so you're in the process. You're just feeling lucky and an optimist.

Then time goes by and you've got other things to do. It's sort of in the past, but it's really not. You tried to ignore it. The shock is now gone, the reality sets in, and now it just sucks. You're not in the process anymore, the optimism is more difficult to gain than before, even though your de facto situation is better. Adapting to is not very easy. First I was eager to learn about it, I googled everything, read stuff, learned about the condition. I was very stoic. Now? I can't stand the word. It comes up in every show, movie, in peoples talk, it's just everywhere so you can't really avoid it even though you try to, to some extent.

I've got the scan soon, and it'll be a week later until I get the results. A week!! Then I have this 2 hour appointment. 2 hours? I just want to hear the news and leave. Good news would be good... a whole year without an appointment and of course a prognosis that just got a whole lot better.

I feel like I'm wasting my time though. I'm stuck, and I'd be kicking myself in the ass should the news be bad for wasting this time being stuck instead of doing things like reading, seeing friends more, playing with my daughter more. Now I just feel too tired and have to limit to doing only some of the things some of the times.

But somehow I have this underlying feeling, deep down inside, that this is not the end of me. That I'll be beating this. Eventually this won't get me. I know there will be good times and bad times, that it might return but then I'll just beat it again. Did it once, I can do it again. It sure sucks but it's doable. I read about a person in here who got a tumor, it returned within the same year, they operated it once again and it hasn't returned in 20 years since that. There are people with my condition who have gotten it in the 80s and are still alive. Mine was successfully operated, 100 % success. Nothing was left.... and that data for life expectancy is of course just average, whereas condition is always individual, mine is passive (as opposed to aggressive), plus that data has been gathered over the years, back in the 80s and 90s and early 2000 there wasn't the same drugs, they didn't even have the brain scan in the 80s the way we have now. So surely it is not fools hope to think that the data does not predict correctly now as it is based on historical times anyway. It is not a snapshot of the situation with today's modern medicine and operations. In that sense, I'm hoping that I'm clean, because I believe this will be beaten in the near future anyway. I just want to get there to see it and why wouldn't I... of course I will!

[Sir Og]

I think it's the lack of sun light. Seriously. Dark short days are depressing according to my inner psychologist.

Keep it real SC

[dannubis]

Only do the tests if they help you understand why you do some things. If they don't then go to a someone who lets you talk, or does something different until you find what works for you.

[Elok]

I'm going to second the "talk to psychologist" suggestion. Not necessarily drugs or tests for this or that, just to talk at first and see where it goes. If you don't want a psychologist, try a loved one or friend who's been spared the bulk of the ****storm you're in so far. I don't know who...maybe get together with some friends and tell them all you're comfortable telling them, see where it goes from there. You'd be surprised how much better you can feel after just explaining why you hate your life lately to somebody sympathetic (and not on-the-internet).

[dannubis]

It should be someone neutral though. You need to solve this and while sympathy is a means to get there it must not be your end goal.

[rah]

Worrying about things that you have no control over is a waste of time/effort.
Worrying about things that you do have control over keeps you from actually doing something about it.

Enjoy while you can. If you need to talk to somebody, talk to anybody that is good at listening because that's the only requirement. They're not going to give you answers, those have to come from you.

[N35t0r]

But sometimes psycologists can help by asking the right questions.

If your SO is seing one, maybe you can ask her psycologist (or psychiatrist) to recommend you someone, and explain what you want (no tests, etc.)? This way, you woun't be trying to find a psychologist suitable to your needs on a trial-and-error basis. The psychologist I used to see was recommended to me by my mothers', for example.

[Pekka]

Perhaps... this is very true. I recognize it's been a big wave this year. I want to look forward and not dwell on things. I don't dwell on it too much I guess but I need better coping skills with this situation. I'm still all about surviving. I'm not giving up. I get pissed off if someone even acts in a way that I'm not going to outlive them. If someone is looking me like if they can have my shoes, yes they can, in their mouth, breaking their teeth. Because I've had that as well, I mean that some "friends" are distancing themselves after I told them. Like thanks a lot, good to know you're not worth friendship anymore. It's not contagious.

I guess either way, good or bad results, I'm still going to beat it. I guess what I really need is better coping skills so I can focus better. So I can think other stuff more and also enjoy some things as well without them being bitter sweet. Good news means a big party and a monkey off my back for a year giving me some actual rest, bad news means back to fighting mode. I guess it's like... once you get out of it, you just don't want to get back in it, it's mentally tough to get a breather and reflect back on it how much it sucked and then get right back into it again. It hasn't been physically challenging at all, it's all mental.

[Pekka]

Even the surgery itself wasn't tough. I just went there, I guess still in shock so I wasn't too stressed out. They gave me some medicine, saying this is fairly easy for a surgery, don't worry about it, catch you on the other side and then you go to sleep and wake up. You get some morphine in you so you're only relaxing and feeling good anyway, no complaints.

Now? If I have to go through it again, it will be about the same, except that I'm in better condition physically, but more of a wreck mentally. So it'll be tougher. What I need is people telling me it'll be OK, you'll beat it! I don't need any of those quitters - or pessimists who think they are voice of reason saying "better prepare for everything". I say you prepare to die and give up now. Why even live if giving up is that fast of an option? So many people have told me that it's better to live to the fullest a shorter time than waste your life. Yeah, I know. So what? Any other catch phrases? These philosophers usually suck at life the most anyway. What they're really saying is that meh, sucks for sure but hey, look at the bright side. What bright side? The bright side is that I'm not succumbing. The rest of the suckers trying to see the bright side are the true pessimists who, in all fairness, might get hit by a buss tomorrow like they always say is a possibility, and if it should happen to them, I'm looking at the bright side as well: at least it wasn't me.