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The other white meat
An April Fool website:
The National Pork Board has responded with a cease and desist letter:
Pâté is passé. Unicorn - the new white meat.
Excellent source of sparkles!
Unicorns, as we all know, frolic all over the world, pooping rainbows and marshmallows wherever they go. What you don't know is that when unicorns reach the end of their lifespan, they are drawn to County Meath, Ireland. The Sisters at Radiant Farms have dedicated their lives to nursing these elegant creatures through their final days. Taking a cue from the Kobe beef industry, they massage each unicorn's coat with Guinness daily and fatten them on a diet comprised entirely of candy corn.
As the unicorn ages, its meat becomes fatty and marbled and the living bone in the horn loses density in a process much like osteoporosis. The horn's outer layer of keratin begins to develop a flavor very similar to candied almonds. Blending the crushed unicorn horn into the meat adds delightful, crispy flavor notes in each bite. We are confident you will find a world of bewilderment in every mouthful of scrumptious unicorn meat.
Savory Unicorn & Heirloom Tomato Bruchetta Recipe
* 14 ounce can of Unicorn Meat
* 6 or 7 ripe plum tomatoes (about 1 1/2 lbs)
* 2 cloves garlic, minced
* 1 Tbsp extra virgin olive oil
* 1 teaspoon balsamic vinegar
* 6-8 fresh basil leaves, chopped.
* Salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste
* 1 baguette French bread or similar Italian bread
* 1/4 cup olive oil
Chop the tomatoes and mix with garlic, olive oil, vinegar, salt, pepper and basil leaves. Toss well. Slice baguettes on the diagonal about 1/2" thick. Brush each slice with olive oil and add a full rounded tablespoon of Unicorn Meat, spreading over each piece. Toast in a 450 degree directly on over rock for 5-6 minutes. Do a little funky dance by yourself until it's toasted. Serve with tomato mixture and some flaming Absinthe.
Radiant Farms Canned Unicorn Meat Specifications
* Limited availability
* 14 ounces of delicious unicorn meat, canned for your convenience
* Imported from a small independent cannery in County Meath, Ireland
* Crunchy horn bits in every bite - an excellent source of Calcium
* Tastes like rotisserie chicken but with a hint of marshmallow sweetness
* Easily spreadable for sandwiches, hors d'oeuvres, and more
* Sparkly meat lends the unmistakable air of class and sophistication to your parties
* Unlike other meats, unicorn fat is polyunsaturated and lowers your LDL cholesterol
* Not yet approved by the USDA or FDA, but the nuns have eaten it for centuries and they're healthy as horses
Excellent source of sparkles!
Unicorns, as we all know, frolic all over the world, pooping rainbows and marshmallows wherever they go. What you don't know is that when unicorns reach the end of their lifespan, they are drawn to County Meath, Ireland. The Sisters at Radiant Farms have dedicated their lives to nursing these elegant creatures through their final days. Taking a cue from the Kobe beef industry, they massage each unicorn's coat with Guinness daily and fatten them on a diet comprised entirely of candy corn.
As the unicorn ages, its meat becomes fatty and marbled and the living bone in the horn loses density in a process much like osteoporosis. The horn's outer layer of keratin begins to develop a flavor very similar to candied almonds. Blending the crushed unicorn horn into the meat adds delightful, crispy flavor notes in each bite. We are confident you will find a world of bewilderment in every mouthful of scrumptious unicorn meat.
Savory Unicorn & Heirloom Tomato Bruchetta Recipe
* 14 ounce can of Unicorn Meat
* 6 or 7 ripe plum tomatoes (about 1 1/2 lbs)
* 2 cloves garlic, minced
* 1 Tbsp extra virgin olive oil
* 1 teaspoon balsamic vinegar
* 6-8 fresh basil leaves, chopped.
* Salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste
* 1 baguette French bread or similar Italian bread
* 1/4 cup olive oil
Chop the tomatoes and mix with garlic, olive oil, vinegar, salt, pepper and basil leaves. Toss well. Slice baguettes on the diagonal about 1/2" thick. Brush each slice with olive oil and add a full rounded tablespoon of Unicorn Meat, spreading over each piece. Toast in a 450 degree directly on over rock for 5-6 minutes. Do a little funky dance by yourself until it's toasted. Serve with tomato mixture and some flaming Absinthe.
Radiant Farms Canned Unicorn Meat Specifications
* Limited availability
* 14 ounces of delicious unicorn meat, canned for your convenience
* Imported from a small independent cannery in County Meath, Ireland
* Crunchy horn bits in every bite - an excellent source of Calcium
* Tastes like rotisserie chicken but with a hint of marshmallow sweetness
* Easily spreadable for sandwiches, hors d'oeuvres, and more
* Sparkly meat lends the unmistakable air of class and sophistication to your parties
* Unlike other meats, unicorn fat is polyunsaturated and lowers your LDL cholesterol
* Not yet approved by the USDA or FDA, but the nuns have eaten it for centuries and they're healthy as horses
The National Pork Board has responded with a cease and desist letter:
Recently we got the best-ever cease and desist letter. We're no stranger to the genre, so what could possibly make this one stand out from the rest?
First, it's 12 pages long and very well-researched (except on one point); it even includes screengrabs of the offending item from our site. And we know they're not messing around because they invested in the best and brightest legal minds.
But what makes this cease and desist so very, very special is that it's for a fake product we launched for April Fool's day.
It wasn't the iCade, or the Dharma Initiative Clock, or even the Tribbles 'n' Bits Breakfast Cereal.
No, it was the Canned Unicorn Meat.
The very special but also very real letter is from the National Pork Board, who claims we're infringing on the slogan "The Other White Meat," a slogan they're apparently thinking about phasing out anyways. A screengrab of the product page is below.
Luckily, the Sisters at Radiant Farms, where the unicorns are nursed through old age before being slaughtered, canned, and brought to market at ThinkGeek, have nothing to worry about--this kind of use is protected as a parody. (We're hoping the NPB doesn't tell the Sisters that unicorns don't actually exist; it'd break their little sparkly hearts.)
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We'd like to publicly apologize to the NPB for the confusion over unicorn and pork--and for their awkward extended pause on the phone after we had explained our unicorn meat doesn't actually exist. From our press release [PDF or text]:
"It was never our intention to cause a national crisis and misguide American citizens regarding the differences between the pig and the unicorn," said Scott Kauffman, President and CEO of Geeknet. "In fact, ThinkGeek's canned unicorn meat is sparkly, a bit red, and not approved by any government entity."
We'd also like to extend a special discount to everyone we offended with our portrayal of Unicorn Meat as "the new white meat." For a limited time, take $10 off any order of $40 or more by using the code PORKBOARD at checkout, good until 6/30/2010 at 11:59PM ET.
The PORKBOARD discount is good on any ThinkGeek product, but you might want to check out shirts like Periodic BaCoN or Prime Cuts of Unicorn. There's also the popular Tactical Bacon or really anything from our entire line of pork-inspired products. Note: Please excuse the Zombies in the Bacon special interest section, we like to mix our meats.
Finally, thanks, National Pork Board, for giving us yet another reason to keep the April Fool's Day tradition alive. We'll always wonder if our Canned Unicorn Meat played some small, magical part in your rethinking of your brand.
First, it's 12 pages long and very well-researched (except on one point); it even includes screengrabs of the offending item from our site. And we know they're not messing around because they invested in the best and brightest legal minds.
But what makes this cease and desist so very, very special is that it's for a fake product we launched for April Fool's day.
It wasn't the iCade, or the Dharma Initiative Clock, or even the Tribbles 'n' Bits Breakfast Cereal.
No, it was the Canned Unicorn Meat.
The very special but also very real letter is from the National Pork Board, who claims we're infringing on the slogan "The Other White Meat," a slogan they're apparently thinking about phasing out anyways. A screengrab of the product page is below.
Luckily, the Sisters at Radiant Farms, where the unicorns are nursed through old age before being slaughtered, canned, and brought to market at ThinkGeek, have nothing to worry about--this kind of use is protected as a parody. (We're hoping the NPB doesn't tell the Sisters that unicorns don't actually exist; it'd break their little sparkly hearts.)
.
.
.
We'd like to publicly apologize to the NPB for the confusion over unicorn and pork--and for their awkward extended pause on the phone after we had explained our unicorn meat doesn't actually exist. From our press release [PDF or text]:
"It was never our intention to cause a national crisis and misguide American citizens regarding the differences between the pig and the unicorn," said Scott Kauffman, President and CEO of Geeknet. "In fact, ThinkGeek's canned unicorn meat is sparkly, a bit red, and not approved by any government entity."
We'd also like to extend a special discount to everyone we offended with our portrayal of Unicorn Meat as "the new white meat." For a limited time, take $10 off any order of $40 or more by using the code PORKBOARD at checkout, good until 6/30/2010 at 11:59PM ET.
The PORKBOARD discount is good on any ThinkGeek product, but you might want to check out shirts like Periodic BaCoN or Prime Cuts of Unicorn. There's also the popular Tactical Bacon or really anything from our entire line of pork-inspired products. Note: Please excuse the Zombies in the Bacon special interest section, we like to mix our meats.
Finally, thanks, National Pork Board, for giving us yet another reason to keep the April Fool's Day tradition alive. We'll always wonder if our Canned Unicorn Meat played some small, magical part in your rethinking of your brand.
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