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A guide to the General Election.
Main parties.
1- Labour (aka "Commies", "Filthy proles")
Traditional values- The mainstream left-wing party, closely linked to the trade unions movement.
What they really are right now- A tired and pretty sleazy bunched of vaguely centrist politicians lurching from one scandal to another. Increasingly resembling a bunch of chancers who have abandoned principles in favour of personal enrichment.
Who leads them?- Our Prime Minister, Gordon Brown.
What's he like?- Looks like someone's drawn a disappointed face on a balloon and then allowed it to deflate. Dour, grumpy Scottish harbinger of doom who has acquired a reputation for a volcanic temper. The public don't like him. Most of his own MPs don't like him. In no way does he look like a leader built to last.
What can they offer?- Once you get past the wars, sleaze and scandal, you can see there has been some groundbreaking stuff under the recent Labour governments. Minimum wage, big improvements in Primary and Nursery education- there's been a few. Crime rates on a downward trend too, but that's down to a wide range of other factors too. Quite what they can offer now the money's running out is a different matter...
Why you shouldn't vote for them- Debt, debt, debt. There's a big division of opinion among economists over whether the planned debt-cutting programme will be enough to prop up Britain's AAA credit rating, and there remains the spectre of us going grovelling to the IMF as a future possibility. Additionally there's some impressive sleaze emerging on former front-benchers. Like all three term+ governments, this one looks tired and tawdry- so much so that winning the next election (with a reduced majority and with huge cuts looming) might be the worst thing that could happen to Labour.
2- Conservative (aka "Tories", "Public School Ponces", "Dog-bumming Vampires")
Traditional values- The mainstream right-wing party, representing "Old money", the aristocracy, the thrusting entrepreneurs and the flag-waving, Queen-saluting Working Class.
What they really are right now- An uneasy powderkeg of a party which has never resolved its deep divisions between the pro-EU business-friendly moneymakers, and its xenophobic Little-Englander core membership.
Who leads them?- David Cameron.
What's he like?- Imagine the word "smug" inexplicably taking on a tangible form and forcing itself into an expensive but strangely unflattering suit. Looks as fresh as a daisy compared to the shell-shocked PM (then again, so would a Renaissance leper's corpse), but is struggling to shake off the impression that he's plainly clueless about the lives of anyone not emerging from his own privileged background. Has left a slew of swiftly-abandoned crackpot "policies" in his wake, and there are increasing mutterings about his lightweight persona with party ranks. In short, a bit of an Upper Class Twit. If he gets in with a tiny majority, a first-term leadership challenge looks all too possible.
What can they offer?- Expect a market bounce if they get in, because the markets love a Tory priapic-and-purple-veined with joy about spending cuts. If you earn over £100K a year it's a no-brainer that the Tories represent your best bet. If you're a gambler at heart, you'd probably select the Tory economic proposals as the nation's swiftest path out of debt.
Why you shouldn't vote for them- Gung-ho spending cuts could pose our swiftest method of returning to recession. Unemployment probably going to be higher (at least in the short term) than under Labour. Many of their policies are pretty similar to Labour's, and those that aren't (such as scrapping the FSA) look like simple and pointless rebranding. Alarming cosy with some very dodgy nationalist groups in the European Parliament.
3- Liberal Democrats (aka "Homosexuals")
Traditional values- The middle road of compassionate Capitalism, balancing the needs of the nation with the needs of the people in the spirit of Asquith's Liberalism.
What they really are right now- A bunch of non-entities who, for all their claims to be the "Nice Party" can be every bit as nasty as any other party. And closeted homosexuals.
Who leads them?- Nick Clegg, regrettably.
What's he like?- The Liberals have tended to be a weak party with deeply-respected and popular leaders. Well, they spunked that up the wall with Clegg. Effortlessly comes across as confused, petulant and a bit thick. He's just plain unappealing, and unlikely to hang around for long.
What can they offer?- The mighty Vince Cable, who is the best economist in British politics by a wide margin and the single most respected politician from all parties. Tragically, he's pushing 70, but unsurprisingly they have the most comprehensive and plausible economic policy of the big three. Beyond that, they have the strongest commitment to civil liberties of all the main parties and offer a genuinely ground-breaking overhaul of British democracy.
Why you shouldn't vote for them- It looks like a wasted vote. I'm expecting a very bad election for the Lib/Dems, with them losing at least half of their seats. Two changes of leader since the last election, with both choices of leader looking weak and unappetising, has nuked their popularity. It also doesn't help that the swing will be to the right this time, because the Lib/Dems are better at taking seats from the Tories than they are from Labour. When the swing is to the right, they suffer.
4 - Green (aka "Tree-huggers", "Hippies")
Traditional values- Terribly earnest saviours of the ecology.
What they really are right now- Oddly enough, they've become the most genuinely socialist party in mainstream politics.
Who leads them?- Caroline Lewis, in England and Wales.
What's she like?- A bit of a legend in all groovy causes. She's got "Social conscience!" written all over her, with a lengthy track record in Greenpeace, CND etc.
What can they offer?- You'll feel both great and smug if you vote for them. Mostly smug, I suspect.
Why you shouldn't vote for them- Because, in the teeth of the global financial meltdown, you have lingering reservations about turning Britain into a 3rd World economy. Will that do?
5- UK Independence Party (aka "UKIP", "Closeted racists", "Xenophobes")
Traditional values- Flag-waving anti-EU patriots who aren't even remotely racist. Not at all. Nope. Some of their best friends are darkies, in fact, and they're almost as good as real English people. Sorry- "British" people. Mustn't forget the kilties, miner's choirs, and terrorists.
What they really are right now- Blown to bits by internal *****ing and in-fighting.
Who leads them?- Lord Pearson of Rannoch, apparently.
What's he like?- I've no idea. It seems he's from Devizes (the most boring town in all of the South-West). In short, he's totally overshadowed by the former leader and Brussels-baiter, Nigel Farage.
What can they offer?- Exit from the EU, and probably a raft of anti-immigration policies too.
Why you shouldn't vote for them- Because everyone will just assume you're a BNP supporter whose nerve failed at the last moment.
6 & 7- Scottish Nationalist Party and Plaid Cymru.
Celtic nationalists. Don't ask me about these because I'm English and I don't care.
8- British National Party (aka- "Racists")
Traditional values- Racists. Xenophobes. Homophobes. Holocaust deniers. Knuckle-draggers.
What they really are right now- Stridently denying being all the above, but nobody's fooled. Currently having to hurriedly re-write their constitution after it was ruled illegal due to racial discrimination. And the "leader in waiting" Mark Collett (self-confessed admirer of Hitler) has just been expelled from the party for allegedly threatening to kill Nick Griffin.
Who leads them?- Nick Griffin, unless Mark Collett kills him.
What's he like?- Holocaust-denying, blubbery, one-eyed *****.
What can they offer?- Racism, Xenophobia, Homophobia, the return of the death penalty, and an economic policy guaranteed to leave Britain a 3rd World economy.
Why you shouldn't vote for them- Jesus. Where do you start? And once you've started, how do you stop?
Main parties.
1- Labour (aka "Commies", "Filthy proles")
Traditional values- The mainstream left-wing party, closely linked to the trade unions movement.
What they really are right now- A tired and pretty sleazy bunched of vaguely centrist politicians lurching from one scandal to another. Increasingly resembling a bunch of chancers who have abandoned principles in favour of personal enrichment.
Who leads them?- Our Prime Minister, Gordon Brown.
What's he like?- Looks like someone's drawn a disappointed face on a balloon and then allowed it to deflate. Dour, grumpy Scottish harbinger of doom who has acquired a reputation for a volcanic temper. The public don't like him. Most of his own MPs don't like him. In no way does he look like a leader built to last.
What can they offer?- Once you get past the wars, sleaze and scandal, you can see there has been some groundbreaking stuff under the recent Labour governments. Minimum wage, big improvements in Primary and Nursery education- there's been a few. Crime rates on a downward trend too, but that's down to a wide range of other factors too. Quite what they can offer now the money's running out is a different matter...
Why you shouldn't vote for them- Debt, debt, debt. There's a big division of opinion among economists over whether the planned debt-cutting programme will be enough to prop up Britain's AAA credit rating, and there remains the spectre of us going grovelling to the IMF as a future possibility. Additionally there's some impressive sleaze emerging on former front-benchers. Like all three term+ governments, this one looks tired and tawdry- so much so that winning the next election (with a reduced majority and with huge cuts looming) might be the worst thing that could happen to Labour.
2- Conservative (aka "Tories", "Public School Ponces", "Dog-bumming Vampires")
Traditional values- The mainstream right-wing party, representing "Old money", the aristocracy, the thrusting entrepreneurs and the flag-waving, Queen-saluting Working Class.
What they really are right now- An uneasy powderkeg of a party which has never resolved its deep divisions between the pro-EU business-friendly moneymakers, and its xenophobic Little-Englander core membership.
Who leads them?- David Cameron.
What's he like?- Imagine the word "smug" inexplicably taking on a tangible form and forcing itself into an expensive but strangely unflattering suit. Looks as fresh as a daisy compared to the shell-shocked PM (then again, so would a Renaissance leper's corpse), but is struggling to shake off the impression that he's plainly clueless about the lives of anyone not emerging from his own privileged background. Has left a slew of swiftly-abandoned crackpot "policies" in his wake, and there are increasing mutterings about his lightweight persona with party ranks. In short, a bit of an Upper Class Twit. If he gets in with a tiny majority, a first-term leadership challenge looks all too possible.
What can they offer?- Expect a market bounce if they get in, because the markets love a Tory priapic-and-purple-veined with joy about spending cuts. If you earn over £100K a year it's a no-brainer that the Tories represent your best bet. If you're a gambler at heart, you'd probably select the Tory economic proposals as the nation's swiftest path out of debt.
Why you shouldn't vote for them- Gung-ho spending cuts could pose our swiftest method of returning to recession. Unemployment probably going to be higher (at least in the short term) than under Labour. Many of their policies are pretty similar to Labour's, and those that aren't (such as scrapping the FSA) look like simple and pointless rebranding. Alarming cosy with some very dodgy nationalist groups in the European Parliament.
3- Liberal Democrats (aka "Homosexuals")
Traditional values- The middle road of compassionate Capitalism, balancing the needs of the nation with the needs of the people in the spirit of Asquith's Liberalism.
What they really are right now- A bunch of non-entities who, for all their claims to be the "Nice Party" can be every bit as nasty as any other party. And closeted homosexuals.
Who leads them?- Nick Clegg, regrettably.
What's he like?- The Liberals have tended to be a weak party with deeply-respected and popular leaders. Well, they spunked that up the wall with Clegg. Effortlessly comes across as confused, petulant and a bit thick. He's just plain unappealing, and unlikely to hang around for long.
What can they offer?- The mighty Vince Cable, who is the best economist in British politics by a wide margin and the single most respected politician from all parties. Tragically, he's pushing 70, but unsurprisingly they have the most comprehensive and plausible economic policy of the big three. Beyond that, they have the strongest commitment to civil liberties of all the main parties and offer a genuinely ground-breaking overhaul of British democracy.
Why you shouldn't vote for them- It looks like a wasted vote. I'm expecting a very bad election for the Lib/Dems, with them losing at least half of their seats. Two changes of leader since the last election, with both choices of leader looking weak and unappetising, has nuked their popularity. It also doesn't help that the swing will be to the right this time, because the Lib/Dems are better at taking seats from the Tories than they are from Labour. When the swing is to the right, they suffer.
4 - Green (aka "Tree-huggers", "Hippies")
Traditional values- Terribly earnest saviours of the ecology.
What they really are right now- Oddly enough, they've become the most genuinely socialist party in mainstream politics.
Who leads them?- Caroline Lewis, in England and Wales.
What's she like?- A bit of a legend in all groovy causes. She's got "Social conscience!" written all over her, with a lengthy track record in Greenpeace, CND etc.
What can they offer?- You'll feel both great and smug if you vote for them. Mostly smug, I suspect.
Why you shouldn't vote for them- Because, in the teeth of the global financial meltdown, you have lingering reservations about turning Britain into a 3rd World economy. Will that do?
5- UK Independence Party (aka "UKIP", "Closeted racists", "Xenophobes")
Traditional values- Flag-waving anti-EU patriots who aren't even remotely racist. Not at all. Nope. Some of their best friends are darkies, in fact, and they're almost as good as real English people. Sorry- "British" people. Mustn't forget the kilties, miner's choirs, and terrorists.
What they really are right now- Blown to bits by internal *****ing and in-fighting.
Who leads them?- Lord Pearson of Rannoch, apparently.
What's he like?- I've no idea. It seems he's from Devizes (the most boring town in all of the South-West). In short, he's totally overshadowed by the former leader and Brussels-baiter, Nigel Farage.
What can they offer?- Exit from the EU, and probably a raft of anti-immigration policies too.
Why you shouldn't vote for them- Because everyone will just assume you're a BNP supporter whose nerve failed at the last moment.
6 & 7- Scottish Nationalist Party and Plaid Cymru.
Celtic nationalists. Don't ask me about these because I'm English and I don't care.
8- British National Party (aka- "Racists")
Traditional values- Racists. Xenophobes. Homophobes. Holocaust deniers. Knuckle-draggers.
What they really are right now- Stridently denying being all the above, but nobody's fooled. Currently having to hurriedly re-write their constitution after it was ruled illegal due to racial discrimination. And the "leader in waiting" Mark Collett (self-confessed admirer of Hitler) has just been expelled from the party for allegedly threatening to kill Nick Griffin.
Who leads them?- Nick Griffin, unless Mark Collett kills him.
What's he like?- Holocaust-denying, blubbery, one-eyed *****.
What can they offer?- Racism, Xenophobia, Homophobia, the return of the death penalty, and an economic policy guaranteed to leave Britain a 3rd World economy.
Why you shouldn't vote for them- Jesus. Where do you start? And once you've started, how do you stop?
. Socialism is related to Humanism and believes in people. The Greens are a bunch of misanthropes who despise people.
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