The greatest story ever told

[Felch]

It was an uneventful evening in the town of Dickgirl. Loinburger, the captain of the Dickgirl High School football team, was trying to get the head cheerleader's mom to give him a ride in the back of her pickup truck. No one knew her real name, but everyone called her Slowwhand. Even her three husbands.

All of the sudden aliens from the Wales came in their spaceship.

"Greetings Dumbasses of Dickgirl!" they said with a silly Welsh accent. "We are illegal immigrants from Wales and we're here to steal your jobs. And also probe your orifices."

"Gosh darnit," Slowwhand said, "These illegal immigrants are always coming to our town of Dickgirl and trying to take our jobs!"

Loinburger was confused. What could a young man like him do in the face of such evil?

[Drake Tungsten]

Margaret "Slowwhand" Landrieu had been in tighter spots than this before. No one in the town of Dickgirl knew about her sordid past: the drugs, the sex, the numerous brushes with the law. No one in Dickgirl even knew her name. It had to be that way, for the sake of her daughter. Sloww had never meant to get knocked up in this two-bit west Texas town, but you can't always control where life takes you. You just have to make the best with what you have and if that means staying in a loveless marriage in Dickgirl, Texas for your little girl, then so be it.

Sloww had been around rough men before and these Welsh bastards didn't look like the worst she'd ever seen. Certainly not as bad as that pack of Hells Angels she'd had the misfortune of running afoul of in Laramie one cold October night. Sloww had gotten out of even that nasty situation alive, a testament to her wits and a killer pair of tits. Even the toughest man can be laid low by a sultry look and a good pushup bra. As Sloww stepped out of her truck, she prepared to use both once again to get herself and her daughter's boyfriend out of trouble...

[Felch]

The Welsh alien leader was confused by the feelings Slowwhand's sweater puppies gave him. He felt as though he was back home, herding sheep through the peat bogs of Cywnwywnthynwwywyw. Memories of that night with his favorite ewe came flooding back to him, and his pants were suddenly a bit tighter than usual.

"That's far enough," he said. "Dickgirl is ours now. Submit to our fiendishly Welsh ways, or suffer the consequences."

Just then, Santa Claus careened in on his sleigh. Rudolph's nose bashed into the Welsh spaceship, and all the reindeer and the sleigh wound up in a crumpled heap. His breath stank of vodka, and he mumbled Swedish ethnic slurs at the lead reindeer.

"Oot amatööri" Santa said to no one in particular.

At this Loinburger was all "WTF?" Luckily Slowwhand kept her mind on the topic at hand.

"Get the heck out of here you Finnish fairy tale!" she said. "We don't want you or any of your Eurocom nonsense round these parts!"

[SlowwHand]

WTF is this ****?

[Felch]

We're trying to make you world famous. Quit interrupting.