Is The Onion the last hope for American journalism?

[Lorizael]

Nice. The black guy asks America for change article is also one of my favorites.

[Guynemer]

My fellow pediatricans and I are rather partial to these three weekenders:

[Drake Tungsten]

That last one seems all too plausible...

[Drake Tungsten]

It's funny because it's true...

Obama Revises Campaign Promise Of 'Change' To 'Relatively Minor Readjustments In Certain Favorable Policy Areas'

WASHINGTON—In a slight shift from his campaign trail promise, President Obama announced Monday that his administration's message of "Change" has been modified to the somewhat more restrained slogan "Relatively Minor Readjustments in Certain Favorable Policy Areas." "Today, Americans face a great many challenges, and I hear your desperate calls for barely measurable and largely symbolic improvements in the status quo," said Obama, who vowed never to waver in his fight for every last infinitesimal nudge forward on the controversial issues of torture and the military ban on homosexuals. "Remember: Yes we can, if by that you mean tiptoeing around potentially unpopular decisions that could alienate a large segment of the populace." Washington insiders said that, while the new mottos are certainly in keeping with Obama's pledge of government transparency, they are significantly less catchy.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/obama_revises_campaign

[GePap]

Here is the most prophetic Onion headline:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28784

Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'

WASHINGTON, DC–Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured the nation in a televised address Tuesday that "our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over."

"My fellow Americans," Bush said, "at long last, we have reached the end of the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented economic expansion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace overseas. The time has come to put all of that behind us."

[Kuciwalker]

Drake, I know you'll love this one:

Bar Owner Cannot ****ing Believe He Actually Sponsored An Adult Kickball Team

ST. LOUIS—According to staff at the Paddle Wheel Tavern, owner Wayne Trimble, 48, admitted Thursday night that he had no goddamn idea why he ever decided to sponsor a team in an adult kickball league.

The team, known as the Ballbusters, is a group of grown men and women from Trimble's neighborhood who play competitive kickball matches against other area teams of grown men and women on Sunday afternoons in Tower Grove Park.

"Why? Why in hell did I think this was a good idea?" said Trimble, explaining that a bearded 27-year-old wearing skinny jeans came into his establishment last month and told him all the local bars were sponsoring kickball teams. "This guy kept bugging me, and next thing I know I'm forking over 500 bucks for T-shirts, headbands, and some idiotic striped tube socks they just had to have."

When asked what possessed him to connect his bar to a team of college-educated adults who play kickball, a game normally enjoyed by second-graders, Trimble responded by saying that he had obviously lost his ****ing mind.

"I guess I thought it might be a good way to get the bar's name out there," Trimble said. "Business has been tough lately, and I thought maybe I should try and get more young people in here. Huge, huge mistake."

"Now this place is going to be known as a kickball bar," Trimble added. "If another ******* comes in here wearing a 'scoregasm' shirt, I won't even be able to look myself in the mirror anymore."

Trimble, who attended the Paddle Wheel Ballbusters' first game earlier this month, said he was initially disappointed when the only people to show up were himself and a couple of the players' chain-smoking girlfriends. However, after witnessing the first few minutes of the competition, Trimble said he began praying no one would ever associate him or his bar with this group of 24- to 33-year-olds running around acting like morons.

"All the guys thought it would be so funny to cut off their brand-new shirts like football jerseys so their guts would hang out," Trimble said. "Everyone had these goofy hats and crap. And I'm the jackass who paid for it all."

It appeared to Trimble that many of the players did not know the most basic rules of the game, and he finally left in disgust after one of them somehow managed to strike out.

According to Paddle Wheel Tavern bartender Reid Henton, 28, in the weeks since forming their team, the Ballbusters have gone from treating kickball as some kind of joke to becoming complete *******s about it, boasting of their triumphs on the playing field and talking **** about other teams' footwear.

"This one guy with a dip**** haircut who was trying to show everyone how he threw someone out accidentally whipped the ball across the bar and broke a dozen pint glasses," Henton said. "Then after last week's game some chick came behind the bar and starting filling up her own pitcher. When I asked her what the **** she was doing, she said it was for the goddamn kickball team."

"And not one of these brats can order a drink without using a fancy-ass name for it," Henton added. "You want a 'Cape Codder'? It's called a vodka-and-cranberry, dickhead."

After confirming that sales of Pabst Blue Ribbon had doubled since he began sponsoring the team, Trimble confessed that the new business was coming from patrons he never wanted in his bar in the first place.

"These are people I should be beating up, not bankrolling," Trimble said. "Now this place is turning into a total hipster nightmare."

"Maybe the new dodgeball team I'm sponsoring will be better," he added.

[DaShi]

Get a room!

[Sirotnikov]

http://www.theonion.com/content/vide...rees_black_man

JM

One of my favorite videos as well.

[Darius871]

Why didn't I think of this???


Tired Of Traffic? A New DOT Report Urges Drivers: 'Honk'

[Spiffor]

Here is the most prophetic Onion headline:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28784

Amazing. The content is incredibly accurate as well

[Drake Tungsten]

Obama's Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner

[Drake Tungsten]

Even Jon Stewart Goes After Obama For Teleprompter In 6th Grade Classroom

[Dinner]

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/christian_charity_raising_money

That one rings true.

[Drake Tungsten]

http://corner.nationalreview.com/post/?q=NjUwNmUwMzBmNWQ0MmY1MWVkNzVmYmM1MDUwYzkyZWM=

[Drake Tungsten]