30 Year Old Joke Lands Man in Gitmo

[Q Classic]

Here's the joke piece.

Of course, that didn't stop Michelle Malkin from believing it to be real at first...

She's as gullible as DRoseDARs was about racist white chocolate.

HOW TO BUILD AN H-BOMB
======================

Making and owning an H-bomb is the kind of challenge real Americans
seek. Who wants to be a passive victim of nuclear war when, with a little
effort, you can be an active participant? Bomb shelters are for losers.
Who wants to huddle together underground eating canned Spam? Winners want
to push the button themselves. Making your own H-bomb is a big step in
nuclear assertiveness training -- it's called Taking Charge. We're sure
you'll enjoy the risks and the heady thrill of playing nuclear chicken.

INTRODUCTION
============

When the Feds clamped down on The Progressive magazine for attempting
to publish an article on the manufacture of the hydrogen bomb, it piqued
our curiosity. Was it really true that atomic and hydrogen bomb technology
was so simple you could build an H-bomb in your own kitchen? Seven Days
decided to find out. Food editor Barbara Ehrenreich, investigative
reporter Peter Biskind, Photographer Jane Melnick and nuclear scientist
Michio Kaku were given three days to cook up a workable H-bomb. They did
and we have decided to share their culinary secrets with you.

Not that Seven Days supports nuclear terrorism. We don't. We would
prefer to die slowly from familiar poisons like low-level radiation,
microwaves, DDT, DBCP, aflatoxins, PBBs, PBCs, or food dyes, rather than
unexpectedly, say as hostage to a Latvian nationalist brandishing a
homemade bomb. In our view the real terrorists are the governments,
American, Soviet, French, Chinese, and British, that are hoarding H-bombs
for their own use, and worse still, those governments (U.S., French and
German) that are eagerly peddling advanced nuclear technology to countries
like South Africa, Brazil, and Argentina so that they can make their own
bombs. When these bombs are used, and they will be, it will be the world's
big-time nuclear peddlers, along with corporate suppliers like General
Electric, Westinghouse, and Gulf Oil, that we can thank for it. Gagging
The Progressive will do no more for national security than backyard bomb
shelters because like it or not the news is out. The heart of the
successful H-bomb is the successful A-bomb. Once you've got your A-bombs
made the rest if frosting on the cake. All you have to do is set them up
so that when they detonate they'll start off a hydrogen-fusion reaction.


PART I
MAKING YOUR BOMB
================

1. GETTING THE INGREDIENTS

Uranium is the basic ingredient of the A-bomb. When a uranium atom's
nucleus splits apart it releases a tremendous amount of energy (for its
size). And it emits neutrons which go on to split other nearby uranium
nuclei, releasing more energy, in what is called a 'chain reaction'. (When
atoms split, matter is converted into energy according to Einstein's
equation E=mc2. What better way to mark his centennial than with your own
atomic fireworks?)

There are two kinds (isotopes) of uranium: the rare U-235, used in
bombs, and the more common, heavier, but useless U-238. Natural uranium
contains less than 1 percent U-235 and in order to be usable in bombs it
has to be 'enriched' to 90 percent U-235 and only 10 percent U-238.
Plutonium-239 can also be used in bombs as a substitute for U-235. Ten
pounds of U-235 (or slightly less plutonium) is all that is necessary for
a bomb. Less than ten pounds won't give you a critical mass. So purifying
or enriching naturally occurring uranium is likely to be your first big
hurdle. It is infinitely easy to steal ready-to-use enriched uranium or
plutonium than to enrich some yourself. And stealing uranium is not as
hard as it sounds.

There are at least three sources of enriched uranium or plutonium...

Enriched uranium is manufactured at a gaseous diffusion plant in
Portsmouth, Ohio. From there it is shipped in 10 liter bottles by airplane
and trucks to conversion plants that turn it into uranium oxide or uranium
metal. Each 10 liter bottle contains 7 kilograms of U-235, and there are
20 bottles to a typical shipment. Conversion facilities exist at Hematite,
Missouri; Apollo, Pennsylvania; and Erwin, Tennessee. The Kerr-McGee plant
at Crescent Oklahoma -- where Karen Silkwood worked -- was a conversion
plant that 'lost' 40 lbs of plutonium. Enriched uranium can be stolen from
these plants or from fuel-fabricating plants like those in New Haven, San
Diego; or Lynchburg, Virginia. (A former Kerr-McGee supervisor, James V.
Smith, when asked at the Silkwood trial if there were any security
precautions at the plant to prevent theft, testified that 'There were none
of any kind, no guards, no fences, no nothing.')

Plutonium can be obtained from places like United Nuclear in Pawling,
New York; Nuclear Fuel Services in Erwin, Tennessee; General Electric in
Pleasanton, California; Westinghouse in Cheswick, Pennsylvania; Nuclear
Materials and Equipment Corporation (NUMEC) in Leechburg, Pennsylvania;
and plants in Hanfford, Washington and Morris, Illinois. According to
Rolling Stone magazine the Isrealis were involved in the theft of
plutonium from NUMEC.

Finally you can steal enriched uranium or plutonium while it's
en-route from conversion plants to fuel fabricating plants. It is usually
transported (by air or truck) in the form of uranium oxide, a brownish
powder resembling instant coffee, or as a metal, coming in small chunks
called 'broken buttons.' Both forms are shipped in small cans stacked in
5-inch cylinders braced with welded struts in the center of ordinary 55
gallon steel drums. The drums weigh about 100 pounds and are clearly
marked 'Fissible Material' or 'Danger, Plutonium.' A typical shipment
might go from the enrichment plant at Portsmouth, Ohio to the conversion
plant in Hematite Missouri then to Kansas City by truck where it would be
flown to Los Angeles and then trucked down to the General Atomic plant in
San Diego. The plans for the General Atomic plant are on file at the
Nuclear Regulatory Commission's reading room at 1717 H Street NW
Washington. A Xerox machine is provided for the convenience of the public.

If you can't get hold of any enriched uranium you'll have to settle
for commercial grade (20 percent U-235). This can be stolen from
university reactors of a type called TRIGA Mark II, where security is even
more casual than at commercial plants.

If stealing uranium seems too tacky you can buy it. Unenriched
uranium is available at any chemical supply house for $23 a pound.
Commercial grade (3 to 20 percent enriched) is available for $40 a pound
from Gulf Atomic. You'll have to enrich it further yourself. Quite frankly
this can be something of a pain in the ass. You'll need to start with a
little more than 50 pounds of commercial-grade uranium. (It's only 20
percent U-235 at best, and you need 10 pounds of U-235 so... ) But with a
little kitchen-table chemistry you'll be able to convert the solid uranium
oxide you've purchased into a liquid form. Once you've done that, you'll
be able to separate the U-235 that you'll need from the U-238.

First pour a few gallons of concentrated hydrofluoric acid into your
uranium oxide, converting it to uranium tetrafluoride. (Safety note:
Concentrated hydrofluoric acid is so corrosive that it will eat its way
through glass, so store it only in plastic. Used 1-gallon plastic milk
containers will do.) Now you have to convert your uranium tetrafluoride to
uranium hexafluoride, the gaseous form of uranium, which is convenient for
separating out the isotope U-235 from U-238.

To get the hexafluoride form, bubble fluorine gas into your container
of uranium tetrafluoride. Fluorine is available in pressurized tanks from
chemical-supply firms. Be careful how you use it though because fluorine
is several times more deadly than chlorine, the classic World War I poison
gas. Chemists recommend that you carry out this step under a stove hood
(the kind used to remove unpleasant cooking odors).

If you've done your chemistry right you should now have a generous
supply of uranium hexafluoride ready for enriching. In the old
horse-and-buggy days of A-bomb manufacture the enrichment was carried out
by passing the uranium hexafluoride through hundreds of miles of pipes,
tubes, and membranes, until the U-235 was eventually separated from the
U-238. This gaseous-diffusion process, as it was called is difficult,
time-consuming, and expensive. Gaseous-diffusion plants cover hundreds of
acres and cost in the neighborhood of $2-billion each. So forget it.
There are easier and cheaper ways to enrich your uranium.

First transform the gas into a liquid by subjecting it to pressure.
You can use a bicycle pump for this. Then make a simple home centrifuge.
Fill a standard-size bucket one-quarter full of liquid uranium
hexafluoride. Attach a six-foot rope to the bucket handle. Now swing the
rope (and attached bucket) around your head as fast as possible. Keep this
up for about 45 minutes. Slow down gradually, and very gently put the
bucket on the floor. The U-235, which is lighter, will have risen to the
top, where it can be skimmed off like cream. Repeat this step until you
have the required 10 pounds of uranium. (Safety note: Don't put all your
enriched uranium hexafluoride in one bucket. Use at least two or three
buckets and keep them in separate corners of the room. This will prevent
the premature build-up of a critical mass.)

Now it's time to convert your enriched uranium back to metal form.
This is easily enough accomplished by spooning several ladlefuls of
calcium (available in tablet form from your drugstore) into each bucket of
uranium. The calcium will react with the uranium hexafluoride to produce
calcium fluoride, a colorless salt which can be easily be separated from
your pure enriched uranium metal.

A few precautions. Uranium is not dangerously radioactive in the
amounts you'll be handling. If you plan to make more than one bomb it
might be wise to wear gloves and a lead apron, the kind you can buy in
dental supply stores. Plutonium is one of the most toxic substances known.
If inhaled, a thousandth of a gram can cause massive fibrosis of the lungs,
a painful way to go. Even a millionth of a gram in the lungs will cause
cancer. If eaten plutonium is metabolized like calcium. It goes straight
to the bones where it gives out alpha particles preventing bone marrow
from manufacturing red blood cells. The best way to avoid inhaling
plutonium is to hold your breath while handling it. If this is too
difficult wear a mask. To avoid ingesting plutonium orally follow this
simple rule: never make an A-bomb on an empty stomach.

If you find yourself dozing off while you're working, or if you begin
to glow in the dark, it might be wise to take a blood count. ***** your
finger with a sterile pin, place a drop of blood on a microscope slide,
cover it with a cover slip, and examine under a microscope. (Best results
are obtained in the early morning.) When you get leukemia, immature cells
are released into the bloodstream, and usually the number of white cells
increases (though this increase might take almost 2 weeks). Red blood
cells look kind of like donuts (without the hole), and are slightly
smaller than the white cells, each of which has a nucleus. Immature red
cells look similar to white cells (ie. slightly larger and have a
nucleus). If you have more than about 1 white cell (including immatures)
to 400 red cells then start to worry. But depending upon your eventual use
of the bomb, a short life expectancy might not be a problem.

2. ASSEMBLING THE A-BOMB

Now that you've acquired the enriched uranium, all that's left is to
assemble your A-bomb. Go find a couple of stainless steel salad bowls. You
also want to separate your 10 pounds of U-235 into two hunks (keep them
apart!). The idea is to push each half your uranium into the inside of a
bowl.

Take one hunk of your uranium and beat it into the inside of the
first bowl. Uranium is malleable, like gold, so you should have no trouble
hammering it into the bowl to get a good fit. Take another five-pound hunk
of uranium and fit it into a second stainless steel bowl. These two bowls
of U-235 are the 'subcritical masses' which, when brought together
forcefully, will provide the critical mass that makes your A-bomb go.
Keep them a respectful distance apart while working because you don't want
them to 'go critical' on you... At least not yet.

Now hollow out the body of an old vacuum cleaner and place your two
hemispherical bowls inside, open ends facing each other, no less than
seven inches apart, using masking tape to set them up in position. The
reason for the steel bowls and the vacuum cleaner, in case you're
wondering, is that these help reflect the neutrons back into the uranium
for a more efficient explosion. 'A loose neutron is a useless neutron' as
the A-bomb pioneers used to say.

As far as the A-bomb goes you're almost done. The final problem is to
figure out how to get the two U-235 hemispheres to smash into each other
with sufficient force to set off a truly effective fission reaction.
Almost any type of explosive can be used to drive them together.
Gunpowder, for example, is easily made at home from potassium nitrate,
sulfur, and carbon. Or you can get some blasting caps or TNT, buy them or
steal them from a construction site. Best of all is C4 plastic explosive.
You can mold it around your bowls and it's fairly safe to work with (but
it might be wise to shape it around an extra salad bowl in another room
and then fit it to your stainless steel bowls).

Once the explosives are in place all you need to do is hook up a
simple detonation device with a few batteries, a switch, and some wire.
Remember though that it is essential that the two charges, one on each
side of the casing, go off at once. Now put the whole thing in the casing
of an old Hoover vacuum cleaner and you're finished with this part of the
process. The rest is easy.

3. MAKE THREE MORE A-BOMBS FOLLOWING THE DIRECTIONS ABOVE

[Q Classic]

Part 2:

A WORD TO THE WISE ABOUT WASTES
===============================

After your A-bomb is completed you'll have a pile of moderately fatal
radioactive wastes like U-238. These are not dangerous, but you do have
to get rid of them. You can flush leftovers down the toilet (don't worry
about polluting the ocean, there is already so much radioactive waste
there, a few more bucketfuls won't make waves), or if you're the fastidious
type, the kind who never leaves gum under their seat at the movies, you
can seal the nasty stuff in coffee cans and bury it in the backyard, just
like Uncle Sam does. If the neighbors' kids have a habit of trampling the
lawn, tell them to play over by the waste. You'll soon find that they're
spending most of their time in bed.


GOING FIRST CLASS
=================

If you're like us, you're feeling the economic pinch, and you'll want
to make your bomb as inexpensively as possible, consonant of course with
reasonable yield. The recipe we've given is for a budget-pleasing H-bomb,
no frills, no flourishes, just your basic 5-megaton bomb, capable of
wiping out the New York metropolitan area, the San Francisco Bay area, or
Boston. But don't forget, your H-bomb will only be as good as the A-bombs
in it.

If you want to spend a little more money you can punch-up your A-bomb
considerably. Instead of centrifuging your uranium by hand, you can buy a
commercial centrifuge (Fisher Scientific sells one for about $1000). You
also might want to be fussier about your design. The Hiroshima bomb, a
relatively crude one, only fissioned 1 percent of it's uranium and yielded
only 13 kilotons. In order to fission more of the uranium, the force of
your explosive 'trigger' has got to be evenly diffused around the sphere,
the same pressure has to be exerted on every point of the sphere
simultaneously. (It was a technique for producing this sort of
simultaneous detonation by fashioning the explosives into lenses that the
government accused Julius and Ethel Rosenberg of trying to steal).



PART II
PUTTING YOUR H-BOMB TOGETHER
============================

The heart of the H-bomb is the fusion process. Several A-bombs are
detonated in such a way as to create the extremely high temperature (100
million degrees C) necessary to fuse lithium deuteride (LiD) into helium.
When the lithium nucleus slams into the deuterium nucleus, two helium
nuclei are created, and if this happens to enough deuterium nuclei rapidly
enough, the result is an enormous amount of energy, the energy of the
H-bomb. And you don't have to worry about stealing lithium deuteride, it
can be purchased from any chemical-supply house. It costs $1000 a pound.
If your budget won't allow it you can substitute lithium hydride at $40 a
pound. You will need at least 100 pounds. It's a corrosive and toxic
powder so be careful.

Place the lithium deuteride or hydride in glass jars and surround it
with four A-bombs in their casings. Attach them to the same detonator so
that they will go off simultaneously. The container for the whole thing is
no problem. They can be placed anywhere (inside an old stereo console, a
discarded refrigerator, etc.).

When the detonator sets off the four A-bombs all eight hemispheres of
fissionable material will slam into each other at the same time creating
four critical masses and four detonations. This will raise the temperature
of the lithium deuteride to 100 million degrees C fast enough (a few
billionths of a second) so that the lithium will not be blown all over the
neighborhood before the nuclei have time to fuse. The result, at least
1000 times the punch of the puny A-bomb that leveled Hiroshima (20 million
tons of TNT vs. 20 thousand tons.)



PART III
WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR BOMB
=========================

Now that you have a fully assembled H-bomb housed in an attractive
console of your choice you may be wondering, What should I do with it?
Every family will have to answer this question according to its own tastes
and preferences but you may want to explore some possibilities which have
been successfully pioneered by the American government.

1. SELL YOUR BOMB AND MAKE A PILE OF MONEY

In these days of rising inflation, rising unemployment, and an
uncertain economic outlook, few businesses make as much sense as weapons
production. If your career forecast is cloudy, bomb sales may be the only
sure way to avoid the humiliation of receiving welfare or unemployment. At
any income level a home H-bomb business can be an invaluable income
supplement, and certainly a profitable alternative to selling Tupperware
or pirated Girl Scout cookies.

Unfortunately for the family bomb business, big government has
already cornered a large part of the world market. But this does not mean
that there is a shortage of potential customers. The raid on Entebee was
the Waterloo of hijacking, and many nationalist groups are now on the
alert for new means to get their message across. They'd jump at the chance
to get hold of an H-bomb. Emerging nations that can't ante up enough rice
or sugar to buy themselves a reactor from G.E. or Westinghouse are also
shopping around.

You may wonder about the ethics of selling to nations or groups whose
goal you disapprove of. But here again take a tip from our government,
forget ideology -- it's cash that counts. And remember, H-bomb sales have
a way of escalating, almost like a chain reaction. Suppose you make a sale
to South Yemen which you believe to be a Soviet puppet. Well within a few
days some discrete inquiries from North Yemen and possibly the Saudis, the
Egyptians and the Ethiopians as well can be expected. Similarly, a sale to
the IRA will generate a sale to the Ulster government, a sale to the
Tanzanians will bring the Ugandans running and so forth.

It doesn't matter which side you're on, only how many sides there
are. Don't forget about the possibility of repeat sales to the same
customer. As the experience of the U.S. and the U.S.S.R. has shown, each
individual nation has a potentially infinite need for H-bombs. No
customer, no matter how small, can ever have too many.

2. USE YOUR BOMB AT HOME

Many families are attracted to the H-bomb simply as a 'deterrent'. A
discrete sticker on the door or on the living room window saying 'This
Home Protected by H-bomb' will discourage IRS investigators, census
takers, and Jehovah's Witnesses. You'll be surprised how fast the crime
rate will go down and property values will go up. And once the news gets
out that you are a home H-bomb owner you'll find that you have unexpected
leverage in neighborhood disputes over everything from parking places and
stereo noise levels to school tax rates. So relax and enjoy the pride and
excitement of home H-bomb ownership!

IS IT FOR YOU?
==============

Let's be honest. The H-bomb isn't for everyone. Frankly there are
people who can't handle it. They break out in hives at the very mention of
mega-deaths, fallout, radiation sickness.

The following quiz will help you find out whether you have what it
takes for home H-bomb ownership. If you can answer 'yes' to six or more of
these questions, then you're emotionally eligible to join the nuclear
club. If not, a more conventional weapon may be more your cup of tea, try
botulism-toxin, laser rays, or nerve gas.

1. I ignore the demands of others.

2. I subscribe to one or more of the following: Soldier of
Fortune, Hustler, Popular Mechanics, Self.

3. Though I have many interesting acquaintances, I am my own best
friend.

4. I know what to say after you say 'Hello', but I am seldom
interested in pursuing the conversation.

5. I have seen the movie 'The Deer Hunter' more than once.

6. I know that everyone can be a winner if they want to, and I
resent whiners.

7. I own one or more of the following: handgun, video game,
trash compactor, snowmobile.

8. I am convinced that leukemia is psychosomatic.

9. I am aware that most vegetarians are sexually impotent.

10. I have read evidence that solar energy is a Communist
conspiracy.


MYTHS ABOUT NUCLEAR WAR
=======================

Ever since the first mushroom cloud over Hiroshima ushered in the
atomic age, a small group of nay-sayers and doom-mongers has lobbied,
campaigned and demonstrated to convince Americans that H-bomb ownership,
along with nuclear power is dangerous and unhealthy. Using their virtual
stranglehold over the media these people have tried to discredit
everything nuclear from energy to war. They have vastly overrated the
risks of nuclear bombs and left many americans feeling demoralized and
indecisive, not sure where the truth lies. Well, here are the myths, and
here are the facts.


Myth: After a nuclear exchange the earth will no longer be
suitable for human habitation.

Fact: This is completely false. According to one scientist
(quoted in John McPee's The Curve of Binding Energy) 'The
largest bomb that has ever been exploded anywhere was 60
megatons, and that is one-thousandth the force of an
earthquake, one-thousandth the force of a hurricane. We
have lived with earthquakes and hurricanes for a long time.'
Another scientist adds, 'It is often assumed that a full
blown nuclear war would be the end of life on earth. That
is far from the truth. To end life on earth would take at
least a thousand times the total yield of all the nuclear
explosives existing in the world, and probably alot more.'
Even if humans succumbed, many forms of life would survive a
nuclear free-for-all, cockroaches, certain forms of
bacteria, and lichens.


Myth: Radiation is bad for you.

Fact: Everything is bad for you if you have too much of it. If
you eat too many bananas you'll get a stomach-ache. If you
get too much sun you can get sunburned (or even skin
cancer). Same thing with radiation. Too much may make you
feel under the weather, but nuclear industry officials
insist that there is no evidence that low-level radiation
has any really serious adverse effects. And, high-level
radiation may bring unexpected benefits. It speeds up
evolution by weeding out unwanted genetic types and creating
new ones. (Remember the old saying, 'Two heads are better
than one.') Nearer home it's plain that radiation will get
rid of pesky crab grass and weeds, and teenagers will find
that brief exposure to a nuclear burst vaporizes acne and
other skin blemishes. (Many survivors of the Hiroshima bomb
found that they were free from skin and it's attendant
problems forever.)

[MrFun]

This doesn't suprise me. It's rare when anyone in prision doesn't claim their innocence.

Or that their confession is always a result of torture.

(I am not argueing the merits of this one since I don't know ALL the details)

There were people who lived during World War II who refused to believe that the Holocaust was happening until they "knew all the details" after the fact, and after 12 million people had died.

You would fit right in with that group.

[Q Classic]

There were people who lived during World War II who refused to believe that the Holocaust was happening until they "knew all the details" after the fact, and after 12 million people had died.

You would fit right in with that group.

Did that really have to go there?

I mean, there were people who lived during the Dark Ages who completely knew that the sun revolved around the earth, too...

[Zkribbler]

How bad must the GOP feel right now? It portrayed Obama as a socialist, a communist, a Muslim, an America hater, and a friend of terrorists. And of course a corrupt Chicago politician.

A majority of American voters said, "Y’know, we’re O.K. with that, as long as he’s not a Republican."

[Traianvs]

I am currently working on a case linked to Guantánamo, and the sheer madness of that prison is simply baffling. The more I read up on it and how and why many of those people are locked up, the more I am convinced the people in power during the previous presidency were utterly delusional, paranoid and clueless about their business.

I'm not at liberty to provide much details, but now they want a terrorist convicted here in Belgium on the grounds of some fallacious and vague arguments. The man was not innocent so I'm not defending him at all, but they want to prosecute the guy for the same facts he was convicted in Belgium which is impermissible.

Judging by my personal experience the extradition of prisoners for petty reasons still continues abundantly.

[MrFun]

Did that really have to go there?

I mean, there were people who lived during the Dark Ages who completely knew that the sun revolved around the earth, too...

No thread is complete without an over-the-top godwin.

[rah]

Fair and balanced reporting *sigh*

[Q Classic]

Fair and balanced reporting *sigh*

Well, it's not like Ehrenreich works for Fox News...

[rah]

Hell after watching CBS the other day, I was thinking that compared to that FOX was fair and balanced.

[Q Classic]

And Fox News is no Free Republic.

(Still, for Michelle Malkin to think those directions were real suggests to me that she doesn't even bother to look at what comes across her desk to see if it's true or not.)

[Solomwi]

Q, this is the same woman who brought us "ZOMFG, look at Rachel Ray's scarf!!!one! She must be plotting some fiendish terrorist attack using the food Network!!ele1ven!!" I don't think it's so much that she doesn't read, but that she has a wildly overblown sense of vigilance (and the importance thereof), and leaps on the first indication that something needs her attention, lest we all be taken unaware by terrorists. Not on her watch, buddy. At least, that's the impression I've gotten.

[Q Classic]

Look, just because you disagree with her assessment that Internment Camps were filled with rainbows and unicorns doesn't mean you have to rag on her about the keffiyeh^W patterned scarf.

[Solomwi]

Look, just because you disagree with her assessment that Internment Camps were filled with rainbows and unicorns doesn't mean you have to rag on her about the keffiyeh^W patterned scarf.

Then... what does mean that (because I really do want to rag on her for it)?

[Q Classic]

Then... what does mean that (because I really do want to rag on her for it)?

It means you're a terrible person who hates America.