Correct my cover letter

[Traianvs]

I would like to do an internship, preferably in may or thereabouts, in order to gain some relevant experience. It's in Brussels, and of course the lingua franca is English (and French) so I'm writing an English cover letter.

Of course my claim in the letter is that my English is impeccable, but because I know that is far from true I'd like some native speakers have a look. What should I write differently? If you have remarks with respect to the content that's ok too (as in: are there any aspects I should stress more, elaborate upon, is it too long or too short etc... I tried to keep it as relevant and concise as possible, leaving out the things that aren't requested per se. I worked for a national radio programme for example which is media-related but not really that relevant here perhaps?)

Basically they're looking for someone with:

Interest in human rights issues and the Euro-Mediterranean region
Knowledge of EU policies and institutions
Fluent written and oral of at least 2 of the following languages: French, English and Arabic
Strong IT Skills (Word, Excel, PowerPoint, database)
Knowledge of communication and media work is an asset
The interns should be self-motivated, well organized and able to work fast

who will be doing:

Monitoring EU, EMP and ENP human rights aspects
Communication with EMHRN members, EU institutions, media, international NGOs and partners
Carry out research, draft papers
Support to on going projects and activities of the Brussels office
Updating contacts’ database
Filing, drafting correspondence, translating, proofreading, organization of meetings and travels


And this is what I wrote:

Dear Sir / Madam

The advertisement for an intern at the EMHRN Brussels office published on your website greatly caught my attention, and calls for qualifications that closely match mine. Finishing a master in business communication, having increasing interest in human rights issues since my previous studies in international relations and conflict management plus an extensive knowledge of foreign languages and academic experience with the EMP framework, I firmly believe to offer a valuable contribution to the EMHRN.

I am currently enrolled as a student in business communication, enabling me to handle internal as well as external communication on a more professional level. Moreoever, with this study I would like to put into practice the rather theoretical knowledge I obtained during my studies in international relations and conflict management. On the one hand, my interest went out primarily to the politics and institutions of the EU. On the other hand, conflict management and human rights concerning the Middle-East in particular were amongst my favourite topics. My experience with the EMP stems from my seminar paper on EU and international trade. In the context of bilateral trade agreements, the paper treats an analysis of the Euro-Mediterranean Association Agreement between the EU and Algeria in particular, as well as the link with the ENP. Even though I researched the political component especially, I’m fairly familiarized with the various aspects of the Barcelona Process altogether. As a student I’ve always showed interest in foreign languages. I am a native speaker of Dutch, but the years at university have substantially contributed to my fluency in English and French, in addition to specialized courses in English and French business communication. During my studies I have taken up Arabic courses at night school, and although my knowledge is still relatively basic I try to take every opportunity to improve it.

As I am looking for a captivating and challenging working experience, the internship would no doubt live up to my expectations and interests. And as noted above, I believe my qualifications amply meet the requirements set out by the EMHRN. Hoping therefore, you will take my application into consideration, I will gladly be available for further details at any time by e-mail or phone.

Sincerely,




Enclosed: C.V.


--
adress + contact info

A final note: I'll be doing an internship at amnesty international (political lobbying) in february, but I haven't mentioned it because I haven't done that yet, even though it's somewhat relevant. Because I'm looking to work at the EMHRN after Amnesty, i will have done it by the time I might start at EMHRN. Should I mention it in the cover letter, or only during the interview (provided I am asked for an interview of course )

[SlowwHand]

It's not "rather theoretical"; it's most assuredly "theoretical".
What you want to do is take this theory and tailor it in real-world application.
That's what you meant to say, isn't it? (say yes)

It reads well, but keep in mind the theory vs. in application. Acknowledge it and you'll come across better. You feel that no other company could steer you in the direction that you need, better than they could.
Isn't that how you feel? (again, say yes).


Just my opinion.

[Traianvs]

yes

[Asmodean]

As for grammatical errors etc, I will leave that to the native speakers.

2 points, I would like to make:

1) At least a couple of lines regarding yourself as a person. What motivates you? What are your interests? Are you involved with someone? Gives them an idea whether you would fit into their organization in a cultural manner. I have never applied for a position in the EU system, but that kind of information would be expected in an application on almost any level here in Denmark.

2) I would probably include a bit more about what you hope to achieve with this internship, i.e. what do you hope to gain as opposed to what you can offer them. But that is a minor point.

As far as your internship with Amnesty goes, I would include it. The only reason I can think of not to include it, would be if you have any indications that a previous internship at Amnesty would be frowned upon at EMHRN.

But good cover letter

Asmodean

[snoopy369]

First comments:
* You like the -ing form of verbs. These are often not appropriate for a cover letter as they are 'passive'. Try to use active forms (instead of 'Finishing a master ...' use 'I finished a master...' for example). Active = you did something. Passive = something was done to you.
* Do not use contractions, anywhere. I've -> I have, I'd -> I would, etc. Contractions are not appropriate for business writing.
* Avoid negative statements ("Even though I primarily focused on ...") and reword them as positive statements ("I primarily focused on..., but also spent considerable time on ..."). Negative = the reader should take this as a bad thing, positive = the reader should take this as an extra bonus (even though saying the same thing).

Dear Sir / Madam

The advertisement for an intern at the EMHRN Brussels office published on your website greatly caught my attention, and calls for qualifications that closely match mine. Finishing a master in business communication, having increasing interest in human rights issues since my previous studies in international relations and conflict management plus an extensive knowledge of foreign languages and academic experience with the EMP framework, I firmly believe to can offer a valuable contribution to the EMHRN.

I am currently enrolled as a student in business communication, enabling me to handle internal as well as external communication on a more professional level. Moreoever, with this study I would like to put into practice the rather theoretical knowledge I obtained during my studies in international relations and conflict management. On the one hand, my I am primarilyinterested in went out primarily tothe politics and institutions of the EU. On the other hand, and also found intriguing conflict management and human rights, particularly concerning the Middle-East. in particular were amongst my favourite topics. My experience with the EMP stems from my seminar paper on EU and international trade. In the context of bilateral trade agreements, tThe paper treatsconsists of an analysis of the Euro-Mediterranean Association Agreement between the EU and Algeria in particular, as well as the link with the ENP in the context of bilateral trade agreements. In addition to my primary focus on the political component,Even though I researched the political component especially, I am fairly familiarized with the various aspects of the Barcelona Process altogether. Maybe some word about the barcelona process?
New Paragraph
As a student I’ve always showed interest in foreign languages. I am a native speaker of Dutch, but thewhile my years at university have substantially contributed to my fluency in English and French., in addition to I also took specialized courses in English and French business communication. During my studies I have taken up Arabic courses at night school, and although my knowledge is still relatively basic I try to take every opportunity to improve it. which allows me both a greater cultural understanding of the Arabic world, and the ability to begin to read and watch Arabic language news, thus having a greater understanding of opinions on all sides of the political spectrum.

As I am looking for a captivating and challenging working experience, the internship would no doubt live up to my expectations and interests. And as noted above, I believe my qualifications amply meet the requirements set out by the EMHRN. Hoping therefore, you will take my application into consideration, I I would greatly appreciate your consideration of my application, and will gladly be available for further questionsdetails at any time by e-mail or phone.

Sincerely,

Olivier Beys


Enclosed: C.V.


--
adress + contact info

That's my quick take on the letter ... I'm neither European, nor an expert in your subject, so take that with a grain of salt.

[Dauphin]

Keep sentences short else you will lose the readers' attention. If a sentence seems too long, you can cut it into two statements.

Use paragraphs if you are changing to a different subject. It draws attention to that fact, else it will be lost in the body of the text.

Don't be negative, but similarly don't overstate.

I've reworded your letter a bit. It still seems a bit messy to my eye, but i) I can't rewrite it to much without possibly changing the meaning of what you've written, ii) everyone has their own preferred style and iii) messy is nothing, what you've written is comprehensible.

Finally, if you can't write the letter yourself without help, be careful about your claims of being fluent at business English.

Dear Sir / Madam

I am writing to you as I saw an advertisement on your website for an internship at the EMHRN Brussels office. It caught my attention as it calls for qualifications that closely match my own knowledge, experience and interests. These include a soon to be completed Masters in Business Communication, an interest in human rights issues - which is reflected in part by my previous studies in "international relations and conflict management", and an extensive knowledge of foreign languages and academic experience with the EMP framework.

With the above skills I firmly believe that I can offer a valuable contribution to the EMHRN.

I am currently a student at *blank*, where I am studying Business Communication. In the course of my studies I have learnt to handle both internal and external communication at a professional level *explain how/give example*. I am looking for an opportunity to gain practical experiences in the area of international relations and conflict management, and I especially have an interest in Middle-East politics.

I also have past experience with the EMP from a seminar paper I wrote on the EU and international trade. This paper covers bilateral trade agreements, and performs an analysis of the Euro-Mediterranean Association Agreement. It specifically discusses the relationship between the EU and Algeria, as well as the link with the ENP. In writing the paper I researched the background politics, and familiarized myself with the various aspects of the Barcelona Process.

I am a native Dutch speaker, but years at *a foreign?* university and a natural interest in foreign languages have substantially contributed to my fluency in English and French. Specialised courses in English and French have helped refine my use of these languages for the commercial environment. I have taken up Arabic courses at night school, and I expect my Arabic to improve substantially over the coming months.

I am looking for challenges in my work to expand my potential, and this internship seems like an excellent opportunity to do that. As outlined above, I firmly believe my qualifications more than meet the requirements set out by the EMHRN. I can provide further details at any time by e-mail or phone, and would enjoy the chance to discuss my application with you in person.

Sincerely,

Olivier Beys


Enclosed: C.V.


--
address + contact info

[BlackCat]

Well, english is my second, so I might be wrong, but I think this could be written a bit better :

The advertisement for an intern at the EMHRN Brussels office published on your website greatly caught my attention, andsince it calls for qualifications that closely match mine. Finishing a master in business communication, having increasing interest in human rights issues since my previous studies in international relations and conflict management plus an extensive knowledge of foreign languages and academic experience with the EMP framework, I firmly believe to offer a valuable contribution to the EMHRN.

A couple of commas in the second sentence could help a bit too - gives the reader a chance to breathe

And last - never ever start a sentence with "And"

[SlowwHand]

Use a semicolon.

[BlackCat]

Originally posted by SlowwHand
Use a semicolon.

Doesn't work in the actual case

[SpencerH]

Dont take this the wrong way; dont try to bull**** the reader, your written english is not impeccable. Snoopy369 and Dauphin have made a lot of good suggestions for stylistic and grammatical changes that will improve the letter a lot.

Here is a potential topic sentence.

"I am writing in response to your website advertisement for an internship at the EMHRN Brussels office. "

Clean and concise. The reader now knows what this letter is about.

[DaShi]

Stopped reading at Dear Sir/Madame. You've got to hook me with the first line or I'm just going to move on to the next one.

[Beta]

to snoopdog's and BlackCat's and Dauphin's suggestions and to Spencer's suggested change for the opening sentence. Take Dauphin's draft, replace the first line with Spencer's, and add in the missing information and you are set.

I would not sweat too much over the 'projected' fluency issue. Your first letter was more than fluent in English - just not great 'business' prose. And you state in the letter (well Dauphin's version):

Specialised courses in English and French have helped refine my use of these languages for the commercial environment.

...which only implies it is "better", not perfect.

Besides, the letter and CV are intended to get you through the door to the next round. Everyone exaggerates a bit.

Having been on both ends of this process for many years, the one thing I can caution you on with the cover letter and cv/resume is: do NOT undersell yourself.

If language fluency, either verbal or written, is an issue, they will test for it during the interview. Your objective here is to get through to that interview.

Best of luck!!

[Beta]

Originally posted by DaShi
Stopped reading at Dear Sir/Madame. You've got to hook me with the first line or I'm just going to move on to the next one.

I beg to differ. Most interview committees these days use a scoring process to rate the applications. Each position will have a certain number of required skills or experience, and the cover letter and cv will be scored against those requirements using a scoring grid of somesort. Same thing will apply for the interview stage.

I can say with some honesty that in my working career I conducted interviews or was a member of an interview committee for hundreds of positions in 3 large public organizations. And never once in all those processes did I not read an application letter from start to finish. Ditto for my other colleagues doing the interviews.

The opening of the letter, with Spencer's re-write, is just fine.

[Traianvs]

I don't have much experience with job applications so I'm in the dark here

thanks for the suggestions!

[DaShi]

Originally posted by Beta


I beg to differ. Most interview committees these days use a scoring process to rate the applications. Each position will have a certain number of required skills or experience, and the cover letter and cv will be scored against those requirements using a scoring grid of somesort. Same thing will apply for the interview stage.

That's a very good point.

Try this for a cover a letter Trav:

extensive knowledge
experience
interests
Masters in Business Communication
human rights
international relations
conflict management
foreign languages
academic experience
EMP framework
valuable contribution
professional level
practical experiences
Middle-East politics
seminar paper
EU
international trade
bilateral trade agreements
Euro-Mediterranean Association Agreement
relationship
Algeria
familiarized
Barcelona Process
Specialised courses
commercial environment
potential
excellent opportunity
qualifications
person-for that human touch

Sincerely,

#42847
Grid 19a12, Sector 41

Enclosed: C.V.