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(New poem- originally started out as a poem for my kids, but it became far too filthy, as my poems are often wont to do. It needs to be read in a Scottish accent, for reasons that remain inexplicable to me.)
The Duchess said "Doctor! Attend!
And witness my poor nether end!
For while taking tea with my dear Auntie Mabel
my bum sheared clear off and rolled under the table
Oh what am I going to do?
The doctor said "Crivens! Come here.
And straight up your jacksie I'll peer.
Oh don't be upset, my weepy wee poppet.
I've had a good feel of your buggery socket.
It just needs a wee dab of glue."
The Duchess said "Oh woe is me!
It's so unexpected, you see?
Through exercise, massage and dietary fibre
I've always been bestest of friends with my Khyber.
So what could have knackered my flue?"
The doctor said "What of the Duke?
Perhaps to his conduct we'll look."
The duchess said "Well, the course of our marriage
has had an affect on my poor undercarriage.
So I'll pass on the tale to you.
As a youth, His Grace was a sailor
setting sail in both frigate and whaler
and thanks to those formative years in the Navy
he likes to go "dropping his anchor in gravy"
Does that story give you a clue?"
The doctor said "Oh! Michty me!
He'll only perform buggery?
There's no point me making your buttocks become whole
if he can't keep his mucky self out of your bumhole.
So here's what you're going to do.
From the cutlery drawer take a spoon
and bend it from coccyx to poon
and over your ringpiece the spoon will stand sentry
deflecting His Grace to the orthodox entry
relieving himself, and you."
The end of this tale has now come.
Now don't always enter via bum.
Though sodomites may feel that this moral is dotty
you really should take better care of your botty
and it'll take good care of you.
The Duchess said "Doctor! Attend!
And witness my poor nether end!
For while taking tea with my dear Auntie Mabel
my bum sheared clear off and rolled under the table
Oh what am I going to do?
The doctor said "Crivens! Come here.
And straight up your jacksie I'll peer.
Oh don't be upset, my weepy wee poppet.
I've had a good feel of your buggery socket.
It just needs a wee dab of glue."
The Duchess said "Oh woe is me!
It's so unexpected, you see?
Through exercise, massage and dietary fibre
I've always been bestest of friends with my Khyber.
So what could have knackered my flue?"
The doctor said "What of the Duke?
Perhaps to his conduct we'll look."
The duchess said "Well, the course of our marriage
has had an affect on my poor undercarriage.
So I'll pass on the tale to you.
As a youth, His Grace was a sailor
setting sail in both frigate and whaler
and thanks to those formative years in the Navy
he likes to go "dropping his anchor in gravy"
Does that story give you a clue?"
The doctor said "Oh! Michty me!
He'll only perform buggery?
There's no point me making your buttocks become whole
if he can't keep his mucky self out of your bumhole.
So here's what you're going to do.
From the cutlery drawer take a spoon
and bend it from coccyx to poon
and over your ringpiece the spoon will stand sentry
deflecting His Grace to the orthodox entry
relieving himself, and you."
The end of this tale has now come.
Now don't always enter via bum.
Though sodomites may feel that this moral is dotty
you really should take better care of your botty
and it'll take good care of you.
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