They told me I couldn't criticize 300

[Elok]

"It makes you look like a tool to criticize a movie you haven't seen," Drake said, way back when it was still in theaters. Well, I stand before you today after checking it out for free from the local library. I have seen it, all of it. And I say to you: It. Really. Sucked!

It sucked like a nuclear-powered vacuum cleaner. It sucked like a hooker on steroids. It sucked worse than I had expected, which is really saying something. No, it was not as flagrantly homoerotic as I had feared. There were no men getting spears thrust through the backs of their leather speedos, thank God. But it made up for it with stupidity. I could not take any of it seriously, not even the part where the captain's son croaks. As his headless body fell to the ground, my chief thought was, "Now, if only they'd tried the 'single bozo charging up on a horse alone against a whole army' strategy from the start, they wouldn't have had to waste all those generic Persian soldiers for nothing."

In conclusion: 300 sucked.

[Boris Godunov]

Yes, 300 did indeed suck. Even all the eye candy didn't save that movie from sucking.

[Colonâ„¢]

Preconceived judgement.

[Grandpa Troll]

Re: They told me I couldn't criticize 300

Originally posted by Elok
"It makes you look like a tool to criticize a movie you haven't seen," Drake said, way back when it was still in theaters. Well, I stand before you today after checking it out for free from the local library. I have seen it, all of it. And I say to you: It. Really. Sucked!

It sucked like a nuclear-powered vacuum cleaner. It sucked like a hooker on steroids. It sucked worse than I had expected, which is really saying something. No, it was not as flagrantly homoerotic as I had feared. There were no men getting spears thrust through the backs of their leather speedos, thank God. But it made up for it with stupidity. I could not take any of it seriously, not even the part where the captain's son croaks. As his headless body fell to the ground, my chief thought was, "Now, if only they'd tried the 'single bozo charging up on a horse alone against a whole army' strategy from the start, they wouldn't have had to waste all those generic Persian soldiers for nothing."

In conclusion: 300 sucked.

Just curious, how did the real events unfold, were they different from the film adaptation?

I wasnt there to know for sure how well this movie represented fact?

I have to agree in principle to a lot of movies suck when measured against reality, however, I am well awarre prior to plunking my dollars down that most movies are for entertainment value

Movies dont change my mind, make me want to go paint myself another color or march on our nations capitol, nope, watch em to have some entertainment, much like a monkee f\/ck!ng a fooball or many posters spreading guile and discontent here at Apolyton, just entertainment, same reaason I play civ, for entertainment

[SlowwHand]

Gramp, I don't know that a civilian knows about monkeys and footballs. I know. They might not.

[Zkribbler]

Re: Re: They told me I couldn't criticize 300

Originally posted by Grandpa Troll
Just curious, how did the real events unfold, were they different from the film adaptation?

The Spartans were heavy infantry, a solid, unmoving wall of armor and muscle. The guys in the movie were half naked and whirled around like naked ballet dancers.

Sparta had two kings. Leonides wanted to fight. He marched out with his personal bodyguard while the rest of Sparta, under the sway of its other king, observed a religious festival. The rest of the Spartan army was supposed to join Leonides after the festival. They never showed. The last message for Leonides was "Tell the people of Sparta that here we lie, obedient to their wishes."

The Persians had neither war elephants nor rhinoceroses. And they weren't black.

I'd have to go back and watch 300 again to point out all the historical inaccuracies.

But the movie succeeded at what it wanted to be: comic-book action-adventure trash. I knew that's what it would be, so I liked the movie.

[Boris Godunov]

Xerxes wasn't nine feet tall, either.

[Colonâ„¢]

What's that in metrics?

[Elok]

Re: Re: They told me I couldn't criticize 300

Originally posted by Grandpa Troll
Just curious, how did the real events unfold, were they different from the film adaptation?

I wasnt there to know for sure how well this movie represented fact?

Well, for starters, all the Spartans, far from joking about others diddling little boys, had made pederasty an integral part of their culture to the point that the rest of Greece made fun of them for it. The part about being turned out to live in the wild in late adolescence was mostly true, except they robbed and killed helots (peasants/slaves), not wolves. They were encouraged to do so, but killed for being sloppy if they got caught at it. Overall, the majority of Sparta's population would have been more happy and civilized under the Persian boot. Oh, and there were about 900 servants with the Spartans at Thermopylae IIRC, and they died too. It was actually the last stand of 1200, but three-quarters were too low-ranking to rate mentioning. THEY STOOD FOR FREEDOM!

Also Xerxes was not a freakishly tall guy dressed like the frontman for a death metal band. The Immortals were not orc extras from the LOTR shoot next door, rhinos are not practical as war animals, and while I don't suppose the history books say one way or the other, I doubt he had a fat guy with sword-hands for an executioner.

But forget about all that. It could have been a movie about the Jews single-handedly beating back the Roman legions in 79 AD and still be a better movie than 300, just from better writing and a less ludicrous aesthetic. I saw pretty much everything coming five minutes in advance, except that I wasn't sure if Leonidas would begin the final hostilities by killing the traitor hunchback or the Persian envoy. I kept eyeballing the scene to see if he could jump sideways in slow-mo and throw the spear really hard to run through both of them with one cast.

And I didn't expect him to slice Xerxes on the lip from fifty feet away, just because I thought that would be too silly even for that movie. I was wrong, obviously.

[Boris Godunov]

Originally posted by Colonâ„¢
What's that in metrics?

About 3 meters.

[Colonâ„¢]

What does the Guinness Book of Records say?

[Grandpa Troll]

Re: Re: Re: They told me I couldn't criticize 300

Originally posted by Zkribbler



I'd have to go back and watch 300 again to point out all the historical inaccuracies.

Just do a quick check in Wikipedia, that oughta do it

[Elok]

Re: Re: Re: They told me I couldn't criticize 300

Originally posted by Zkribbler
The Persians had neither war elephants nor rhinoceroses. And they weren't black.

Did they have anything even vaguely resembling a catapult? That was another thing on my mind for much of the movie: "if they'd just brought a single siege weapon, they could have wiped out about half those guys at once." But this may have predated even the catapult. I did like how the elephants, instead of charging, just moseyed on up to the guys throwing spears at them. And actually felt the spears enough to stagger backwards, slip on the carcasses underfoot like banana peels, and fall off a cliff.

Oh, and that boob of a senator brings the foreign-stamped gold he was bribed with TO the senate meeting.

[Grandpa Troll]

Re: Re: Re: Re: They told me I couldn't criticize 300

Originally posted by Elok


Did they have anything even vaguely resembling a catapult? That was another thing on my mind for much of the movie: "if they'd just brought a single siege weapon, they could have wiped out about half those guys at once." But this may have predated even the catapult. I did like how the elephants, instead of charging, just moseyed on up to the guys throwing spears at them. And actually felt the spears enough to stagger backwards, slip on the carcasses underfoot like banana peels, and fall off a cliff.

Oh, and that boob of a senator brings the foreign-stamped gold he was bribed with TO the senate meeting.

He was smart enough to back door leonidas wife

[DanS]

I thought it was a kick-ass movie.