Fizziks jokes

[Heraclitus]

-Two electrons are sitting on a bench in the park. Another electron comes walking by and says:"Hi there, can I come sit with you?", to which the electrons reply:"Don't be ridiculous, we aren't Bosons."

-A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?' The bartender looks at him, and says 'For you, no charge.'

-A proton walks into a bar and says "I left my wallet here". The bartender says "Are you sure?"
"I'm positive."

-Spectroscopists do it until it hertz.

What is the difference between a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician?

If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.

If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and lets the fire put itself out.

If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves.

One day, all of the world's famous physicists decided to get together for a tea luncheon. Fortunately, the doorman was a grad student, and able to observe some of the guests...

* Everyone gravitated toward Newton, but he just kept moving around at a constant velocity and showed no reaction.
* Einstein thought it was a relatively good time.
* Coulomb got a real charge out of the whole thing.
* Cavendish wasn't invited, but he had the balls to show up anyway.
* Cauchy, being the only mathematician there, still managed to integrate well with everyone.
* Thompson enjoyed the plum pudding.
* Pauli came late, but was mostly excluded from things, so he split.
* Pascal was under too much pressure to enjoy himself.
* Ohm spent most of the time resisting Ampere's opinions on current events.
* Hamilton went to the buffet tables exactly once.
* Volt thought the social had a lot of potential.
* Hilbert was pretty spaced out for most of it.
* Heisenberg may or may not have been there.
* The Curies were there and just glowed the whole time.
* van der Waals forced himeself to mingle.
* Wien radiated a colourful personality.
* Millikan dropped his Italian oil dressing.
* de Broglie mostly just stood in the corner and waved.
* Hollerith liked the hole idea.
* Stefan and Boltzman got into some hot debates.
* Everyone was attracted to Tesla's magnetic personality.
* Compton was a little scatter-brained at times.
* Bohr ate too much and got atomic ache.
* Watt turned out to be a powerful speaker.
* Hertz went back to the buffet table several times a minute.
* Faraday had quite a capacity for food.
* Oppenheimer got bombed.

Post your own jokes.

[Heraclitus]

A farmer has problems with his chickens: all of the sudden, they are
all getting very sick. After trying all conventional means, he calls
a physicist to see if he can figure out what is wrong. The physicist
tries. He stands there and looks at the chickens for a long time
without touching them or anything. Then all of the sudden he starts
scribbling away in a notebook. Finally, after several gruesome
calculations, he exclaims, "I've got it! But it only works for
spherical chickens in a vacuum."

[MarkG]

this is the geekiest thread in the history of apolyton
keep'em coming

[Pekka]

Hera, you'll better bring us more, I'm already scanning for your open ports, probing, looking for your backdoor. I'll take you by brute force, I'm going to root you so hard that your holes need patching up afterwards, I'll leave them open and advertise your weakness, so that other backdoor intruders will have a nice time with you.

[Ari Rahikkala]

Re: Fizziks jokes

Originally posted by Heraclitus
-A proton walks into a bar and says "I left my wallet here". The bartender says "Are you sure?"
"I'm positive."

A better setup for the same punchline:

A cation walks into a bar and says "I left my electron here". The bartender says "Are you sure?"

[Pekka]

a string tried to hook up with an atom but he was too small for her.

That was also a psychology joke as well as hermafrodite joke at the same time. HAHA!

[Heraclitus]

Re: Re: Fizziks jokes

-A lawyer, an accountant and a physicist are discussing, over a beer, whether life is better with a wife or with a girlfriend.
"A wife is better," declares the lawyer, "because of the family support and the help she'll be to your career."
"Nonsense," says the accountant. "A girlfriend is better: you can keep your independence and go out with your friends more."
They turn to the physicist, who says, "It's better to have both. That way, the wife thinks you're with the girlfriend, the girlfriend thinks you're with the wife, and meanwhile you can be down at the lab!"



-"Do you know that Hausdorff published poems?" a colleague asked him Amitabha Chakrabarti
"Oh," Chakrabarti replied, "he had another dimension!"

that one cracks me up

-A police officer stops Heisenberg for speeding
"Do you know how fast you were going?" the police officer asks, incredulously.
"No," replies Heisenberg, "but I know exactly where I am!"

[Heraclitus]

Alice and Bob walk into a bar and start flirting, then getting more and more intimate, before finally seeming to perform two incompatible sexual acts simultaneously. This puzzles the barman, who cannot make out exactly what they are doing.

"What's going on?" he says to the house drunk. "I can't quite see it - it looks brilliant but it doesn't make any sense."

"Yeah," the drunk sighs wistfully, "it's a super position."

[Heraclitus]

Old physicists don't die; their wavefunctions go to zero as time goes to infinity.

Rene Descartes is sitting in a bar, doing what he does best--philosophising. he's had a few pints of ale over the course of the evening, and it's now last call. The bartender asks him if he wants another drink. Descartes says, "I think not," and promptly vanishes.

Q:What do you get when you cross a chicken and a rock climber?
A:You silly! A rock climber is a scalar!!

Two atoms bump into each other. One says "I think I lost an electron!" The other asks, "Are you sure?", to which the first replies, "I'm positive."

[Heraclitus]

Applied Optics The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, 'Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days.' Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we from the Sun, and in addition 49 times as much as the Earth from the Sun, 50 times in all. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth, gives H as 525 C. The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed.... [However] Revelation 21:8 says 'But the fearful, and unbelieving...shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone.' A lake of molten brimstone must be at or below [its] boiling [temperature], 444.6 C. We have, then, that Heaven, at 525 C, is hotter than Hell at, 445 C.

[Heraclitus]

[Heraclitus]

Originally posted by Pekka
Hera, you'll better bring us more, I'm already scanning for your open ports, probing, looking for your backdoor. I'll take you by brute force, I'm going to root you so hard that your holes need patching up afterwards, I'll leave them open and advertise your weakness, so that other backdoor intruders will have a nice time with you.

WTF Pekka?

[Heraclitus]

The Physicist's Bill of Rights

We hold these postulates to be intuitively obvious, that all physicists are born equal, to a first approximation, and are endowed by their creator with certain discrete privileges, among them a mean rest life, n degrees of freedom, and the following rights which are invariant under all linear transformations:

1. To approximate all problems to ideal cases.
2. To use order of magnitude calculations whenever deemed necessary (i.e. whenever one can get away with it).
3. To use the rigorous method of "squinting" for solving problems more complex than the addition of positive real integers.
4. To dismiss all functions which diverge as "nasty" and "unphysical".
5. To invoke the uncertainty principle when confronted by confused mathematicians, chemists, engineers, psychologists, dramatists, and other lower scientists.
6. When pressed by non-physicists for an explanation of (4) to mumble in a sneering tone of voice something about physically naive mathematicians.
7. To equate two sides of an equation which are dimensionally inconsistent, with a suitable comment to the effect of, "Well, we are interested in the order of magnitude anyway".
8. To the extensive use of "bastard notations" where conventional mathematics will not work.
9. To invent fictitious forces to delude the general public.
10. To justify shaky reasoning on the basis that it gives the right answer.
11. To cleverly choose convenient initial conditions, using the principle of general triviality.
12. To use plausible arguments in place of proofs, and thenceforth refer to these arguments as proofs.
13. To take on faith any principle which seems right but cannot be proved.

[Theben]

This is part of the best phifizziks joke I ever read:

Now unless you are a theoretical physicist, I doubt it very much that your comment was appropriate, and expect an apology

- Heraclitus, to KrazyHorse

[Kuciwalker]