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**Heraclitus** · September 9, 2008, 05:01

I think you should talk to your sisters friends (if you know them) and then agree that you should all try your best to convince her to leave him, but make sure you don't alienate her in the process (women in her position can be very irrational and may actually feel that everyone is against her and her BF)

Especially if he has actually physical hit her, I can't see them not agreeing.

You should sit down with your sister and talk this over. She must understand that whatever she is feeling, it isn't worth this, that there are many nice men, much better men than this guy out there for her and that she is wasting her chance at happiness and the right guy by sticking around (I know, its silly but appeals to the emotions often work better than logic in such situations).

Then tell her that the only reason she is sticking around is the same reason abused wives stick around their husbands they subconsciously think they don't deserve better/they think they can change the husband (pick the one you think will work better) neither of which is even remotely plausible.

**Dry** · September 9, 2008, 05:21

Re: What to do about abusive boyfriend of my sister?

She should leave him while she still loves him.
An addicted person is a ticking bomb. You never know what will/might happen, and the addiction is a symptom of a problem that the person wants to hide/ignore.
What the person wants is someone who pretends there is no problem. Anyone who argue about 'get your problem fixed', or even 'I will help you', makes it only worst, because the person simply do not want to hear about it.

The problem is that loving persons often wants to really help, solve the problem. And that means trying to go where the addicted does not want to go.
In fact, by some way, it is the fault of the loving person: 'you want to talk about my problem, and I do not want, so I drink to flee again, to forget about it. So, if I drink, it is your fault'

My advice is that she should tell him she won't see him again until his problem is solved. He will probably beg her to stay and promise he will solve the problem, but she should stay adamant that first he solves the problem, then they may see each other again.
Let her say she still loves him and that she still be around, ready to help if he asks, but not if he doesn't. And that she will not live near him until the problem is solved.

The .02 cent advice of someone who had that done to him - for a far smaller problem, but it worked.

**DRoseDARs** · September 9, 2008, 05:23

Send him this stripper for his next birthday party...

**C0ckney** · September 9, 2008, 05:25

Originally posted by Heraclitus
I think you should talk to your sisters friends (if you know them) and then agree that you should all try your best to convince her to leave him, but make sure you don't alienate her in the process (women in her position can be very irrational and may actually feel that everyone is against her and her BF)

this is very important.

my advice would to try and talk to her about him (maybe with her friends as well) and get her to see sense. if she won't listen, make it clear that you'll still be there for her and that she has your love and support no matter what, so that she doesn't need to choose between you. hopefully, she'll see what a waste of space this guy is, but in my, admittedly limited, experience, it may take some time.

**Patroklos** · September 9, 2008, 08:19

Not married? No kids? Not living together?

1.) If you are feeling charitable call the cops on him next time he does it. Without her pressing charges it won't go anywhere, but having the cops show up at the door might scare this ***** into thinking twice next time. If it doesn't work, see option two.

2.) If you are not feeling charitable you and you boys need to go over and beat this kid (and yes it is an option). Hell, he will probably curl up into the fetal position while crying and pissing himself before you even have to lay a hand on him, if he wasn't a raging ***** he wouldn't be beating women in the first place. In any case, you need to make it known that he is not hitting just her when he gets angry. Your sister might hate you for a bit (and that is a big might), but I would much rather my sisters hate me while not getting beaten than love me while taking physical abuse.

I guess it is easier for me to say that though, I have never been physically intimidated by my sister's bfs and between myself and my father any guy who walks into our house knows exactly what the situation is. I also have a good number of Marine/Army/Navy buddies who would happily go stomp someone like this, but I realize that not everyone has that option.

**Heraclitus** · September 9, 2008, 08:26

Originally posted by Patroklos

2.) If you are not feeling charitable you and you boys need to go over and beat this kid (and yes it is an option). Hell, he will probably curl up into the fetal position while crying and pissing himself before you even have to lay a hand on him, if he wasn't a raging ***** he wouldn't be beating women in the first place. In any case, you need to make it known that he is not hitting just her when he gets angry. Your sister might hate you for a bit (and that is a big might), but I would much rather my sisters hate me while not getting beaten than love me while taking physical abuse.

Over here it you beat someone that is cause for arrest so I advise against getting together an angry mob.

Also the sister may be very upset at this and it could reinforce the "us" vs. "everyone" delusion that many women in her position have.

**DanielXY** · September 9, 2008, 08:28

Hm thx for the replys so far guys

As Im at work I make a quick reply to the questions

- No they are not married but engaged (also they postponed their planed marriage cose of the problems)

- No kids

- living together

**Patroklos** · September 9, 2008, 08:29

Over here it you beat someone that is cause for arrest so I advise against getting together an angry mob.

Only reinforcing the raging ***** tag, and thus removing any outlaw biker novelty mystique that is keeping his sister towing the line.

If you do it right, you shouldn't have to lay a hand on him anyway.

Also the sister may be very upset at this and it could reinforce the "us" vs. "everyone" delusion that many women in her position have.

The good thing about option two is that is completely independent of what his sister thinks. If you do it right the guy won't want anything to do with her.

- No they are not married but engaged (also they postponed their planed marriage cose of the problems)

- No kids

- living together

Engagements are no problem, just and expensive way to be going steady.

No kids is good news.

Living together will make things difficult, as I am sure you have discovered.

**Bosh** · September 9, 2008, 08:53

Why do women so often think that they can change men's basic personalities?

**C0ckney** · September 9, 2008, 09:04

men like to fix things, women like to fix people.

**Dry** · September 9, 2008, 09:16

Originally posted by Bosh
Why do women so often think that they can change men's basic personalities?

Women tend to think love can cure everything.
If love does not cure, women think they do not love enough, or not right. So women think it is their fault if man do not heal.

**germanos** · September 9, 2008, 10:00

Re: What to do about abusive boyfriend of my sister?

Well, you can't do anything about the boyfriend, but you had figured that out yourself.

None of my advice will probably do any good, as I'm sure you did your best allready, but anyways:
(and these are longterm, as she's not going to change soon, if ever)
- make clear that it's her choice to stay with him. And that equally she can choose to leave him at any point.
- make clear that she can and must draw a line. Phisical abuse is certainly a bridge too far. (emotional abuse as well, but this is less clear-cut to see/prove)

she also started to make up excuses for him already!

You don't have to listen too that crap. And you shouldn't. She won't like it much and may feel left out, but on the other hand she might understand she doesn't have too listen too that crap either.
If you keep listening to it, you do in a way the same thing as she does: you keep entangeled in a web you shouldn't be in.

Phonecalls at 3 am... Good grief!

At least she agreed to go to a psychiatriest as she also sees there is something wrong with always going back to him.

Bad road to walk. She should understand that was she does is actually quite common, as other posters have pointed out. And it's equally common that at some point she's fed up with it and leave. She's not crazy, and she doesn't have a problem with herself. (but with her fiance)

Understand that leaving him will be a 'defeat' for her, and that leaving him will hurt her. She didn't start living with this guy in order to abandon him later. There is a school of thought that says that whatever somebody does, it is allways in their best interest. What your sister probably gains from staying put is that she doesn't have to face she's made a bad choice with this guy. Staying put lifts her from the 'burden' of starting all over.
As is evident, the abuse she gets at home is more bearable then walking out.

(DON'T tell her the last paragraph

, though it won't hurt if she knows that you understand that leaving him is a tough decission for her. )

**Lancer** · September 9, 2008, 10:33

There are so many good sounding options crossing my mind that end up with prison time sharing a cell with Bubba.

Listen, some women go for these abusive, bouncer types. If you were able to get her out of this mess do you think she'll find a nice guy next?

Ask her that. It won't do any good...

Anyway, you could tell her you are moving far far away, give her contact info such as an email. Tell her that when she has enough, send a message, but you aren't going to let that a-hole screw up your life too. Then do it, move. Go somewhere near the ocean where you can go for walks on the beach.

Don't tell her where you are so that if she calls and wants picked up the bouncer won't know where to find her. Just know that she'll likely call him and **** that up. So be ready to move again until she gets it right.

You just made me really glad I don't have a sister btw. Up till now I've always regretted it.

**DinoDoc** · September 9, 2008, 10:45

Didn't East Germany used to "disappear" people back in the day?

Seriously though, I don't think there is a lot you can do for her unless she actually wants to leave the ****er.

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