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I think one of the biggest problems for people with depression, let alone major depression, is loneliness. To cope with it can lead into serious mental illnesses, this is what I believe to be true. However, I'd say for me it was beneficial at the end. Why? I made many self realizations I would not have made if I wasn't isolated during the times of disaster and chaos.
I wrote every single day. I wrote a lot. Not much of it made sense when I wrote it, this is because I was out of touch from my own self, yet that was the very thing that benefited me the most later on, the realization of the self. First of all, some depressed people might say that they feel like they don't exist. In fact, many depressed people become a bit anti-social and withdrawn because many of the normal things remind them of their own condition and thus become barriers rather than help. This is what people don't get and they think it is the irrationality of the depressed one, yet it makes perfect sense for the depressed and in fact sometimes acts as self defense, to not fall deeper. An example comes from my own experience of shutting off the cell. My biggest problem and fear was complete solitude, so why would you turn off your cell? Because no one called, and it was a big disappointment, the reminder of your own situation, strengthening it, so you just turn it off just in case. It's not irrational, it is very rational, it is to keep you from feeling even worse. It has other functions as well, it is to prevent unwanted calls as well as calls from people you know but they won't understand it, so it's just a cluster of letdowns you won't take, so you shut it off.
It is the same with meeting people. You want social activities, yet you avoid them, because you would be disappointed with the level of understanding to your own condition, you don't want people telling you what to do... if you could shake it off, you probably would do just that. This indicates two things: people have no empathy or they can't get pass their own ego and that they think you're an idiot, indulging in self pity just because. This is highly offensive, and would indicate the first anyway, not being able to get pass their own ego and the need for advice to be recieved, if it is not accepted, it is then seen as an attack to their own experience and wisdom, which at this point is none. And so the depressed one becomes even more lonely. It's a vicious cycle.
So, when you become truly isolated, you don't see people. At all. So then you don't have the benefit of defining yourself with the help of other people. No one tells you anything. So you don't have any interaction, thus the moments of reflection disappear. Then, you feel so bad anyway, that you distance yourself from it and become totally out of touch from yourself. You could be looking at mirror and thinking who the hell is that and not really know the answer. So the question of the self arises.
You keep asking yourself, "who am I?". You are in a situation where you have to say, "I keep myself company". It is ironic what a statement that is, since I and myself mean the same thing. A division of the self becomes obvious, where a dialogue exists. This is not to be mixed up with schizophrenia, it is still one personality, but clearly different levels of the self exists. There is the observer you, and there is the you who is the observed one. To blame yourself, as many depressed people actively pursuit after, is also an indication of two separate states of the self, where you are the punisher and the victim at the same time. Naturally this all is pretty self evident, but when you lose touch to your own core and become just a body, a house of the evicted ones, that is when you realize the observer still exists, but its searches are futile. This is why you realize you don't exist. You have the base and core to figure it out and feel it. It is like saying you don't feel anything. Yet you feel, you feel the nothingness, the anti-feeling and the anti-process of the process, where nothing happens and the contradiction is the de facto state of the account.
The observer still exists and it keeps punishing you to no end. A division of the self has been established stronger, and the return of the core has been made more difficult. As time loses meaning, your temporal-spatial existance is merely a fact for others but not yourself, you can't be exactly described to be a future oriented person anymore, or a person to begin with, many take the path of suicide. It is not because they want to die, it is because they want to stop. The life of a ghost is tremendously painful and it has to be experienced, it cannot be described or compared to other experiences. Suffice to say, people don't make it easy with their non-compliance to friendliness when it goes down. It also becomes obvious, that a person can go utterly ****ing insane, and it becomes a tacit understanding, yet you can cut it with a knife. To grasp what it is like being on the edge of complete madness is frightening. There is no definitive way back or forward, you're floating, waiting, waiting for the worst. The loss of all control, when you become just a body but no function, and when that function later on turns into whatever your subconscious mind brings forward. In my case, it would be waving my penis at everyone and screaming YARRRRR... It was part of my self realization. Perhaps the need to be free, or the idea that I was oppressed, and breaking free would feel good.
This is what most people don't get, that depressed people, even those not suicidial, might hurt themselves in order to get that extra pressure off. To apply help, in ways of hurting yourself. To contact yourself, or find yourself via physical pain, turning into instant feel good. I had no such tendencies, mine were mostly light perversions with exhibitionist flavour. To show my middle finger to everyone was quite literal, to show my penis to everyone - and get away with it. Yet I wasn't sure and I still am not, if it was just an excuse to do it. An excuse to do it BECAUSE I could get away with it. To break free and satisfy my own perversions, because now I had a platform and motive that would not judge me but set me free from it. Or maybe it was both.
But who is to say these aren't layers of yourself as well? Maybe getting out of touch was also a way of getting in touch with the layers unknown to yourself. It has been pointed out before, that even psychotherapy, in some anti-psychiatry literature, is just a way of conformism, that relates in bigger picture to this sort of alingment to contemporary society, norms and laws, what is desireable and so forth. The value of the self has been forgotten in this discourse, so a question exists, reason vs. unreason. And if someone thinks they're Jesus, who is to say them they are not? If they are happy with it, who is the one with the power and justification to break that illusion? And who is to say that person is wrong in any single way? Who is to say my reality is objective and the other person is psychotic, unless they are clearly in distress and pain?
Is it possible to go completely mad in isolation, when the only thing you have is your own thoughts? ABSOLUTELY YES. Another question remains... are you doing it on purpose? Of course this is the question that sets forward other sets of questions, that will, in weeks of pure quasi-philosophical mode, combined with thoughts of drinking your own urine and growing a beard that would be greeted with warm hearts by even the most dedicated terrorists, growing fingernails that would make drag queens cry, thoughts that would make street Jesus say "DAMN!", it is the very question that is going to send you to that edge. So if you follow that path, you will pass the point when you realize it is very possible and passing that point made you realize it is not only possible but also likely. Now comes the most interesting question you will ask yourself. Are you going to fight it or embrace it?
I chose to embrace it. I chose to get to know all my layers, the penis waving maniac screaming YARRRRR, the isolationist weirdo with a fetish for dark closets and marathon sessions of staying in there, not to be isolated per se but to see how it feels, to see how pale you can go and how your eyes look after few days. Of course you realize you will suffocate so that experiment doesn't last too long, which is yet another disappointment to the depressed one. I mean ****, can't I even be in a closet? I guess not. But even less than 24 hours makes a good case of what others see as irrational behaviour, and explain that to your psychologist, and the next appointment will have more people in there, and they're looking to put you in a hospital. Now you're facing a huge dilemma. To tell them the truth or not? **** it, they have an agenda of fixing, not understanding and supporting your journey. Should I tell them about the closet? No, not anymore. Should I tell them about the urge to get out my penis right now? No. Your journey just became an actual fight of your own freedom. **** them. They'll never get it. They're like drug councellors who never did drugs. They're like the DEA who never embraced the good effects of the drugs, mainly the good times. All they see is the bad times.
Madness - totally underrated as an experience of the good as well as overrated as a "bad thing". Soon you will be facing difficult battles, to convince you are being rational when you are acting irrational. How to convince them, that you are doing experiments on yourself and your sanity, just because you now have a platform to do so? It is like being a doctor discovering the benefits of sticking a camera up your ass to see what's wrong. Explain that to the people walking by, why you have a garden hose up your ass, lube in the other hand and taking notes at the same time.
They will not let you continue, your journey will be disrupted, so you will NOT get your salvation. You will be stuck in the madness, you will never reach the realization. In this event, the ones helping you are actually the ones doing the opposite. A healthy warning, this would apply to only less than 1% of people, the remainding 99%+ are actually in need of help the traditional way. But for true weirdos, they need to walk the desert alone - just because. If you don't get it, then you are not part of that 1%.
If you ask yourself why risk your sanity, then you aren't part of that 1%. We don't actually divide it into sanity and insanity. We realize what it means and use those terms and geography of the mind to explain things to the rest, however, we don't see any point or line, that separates the two. To us, THAT is madness. That is the irrational. Thus, a problem with clinical and formal science is born.
However, back to the sticky situation, you have to keep quiet about the more ... extravagant and demanding experiments, otherwise they will stop you and give you a nice room with no view. In fact, the very act of trying to avoid this is rational. This event in itself should show who the irrational one is. It becomes a debate between the one with power and the target. The power situation is proven by the very nature of the situation, where the target says, well, I'd like to continue on with my own path, and I happen to think it is very rational, it may not be that to you, but to me it is and to you say it is objectively irrational IS an irrational statement, making you the irrational one, yes? You are not the judge on rationality, and if you are... who gave you that power? Basically, we are of different breed, and you take your live stock into the malls, I'll take mine to the closet and we will drink our piss, just because. We want to know what it's like. We are the scientists of ourselves. We already went to the mall, we already know what it's like and it wasn't that fascinating to us. So you tell me who is right or wrong.
They might say well, you seem a bit paranoid, and you can always say, well, you seem a bit narcsissist, demanding you're right on the subject of me. Or is this me being manipulative? I mean ****, even YOU don't know what the hell you're talking about, let alone me, the way I see it, we can just take our clothes off and start a gang bang right here, it's not irrational, it's just ****ing. Lots of people do it. Yeah, they don't do it HERE, but then again if you wanna ****, let's ****.
I wrote every single day. I wrote a lot. Not much of it made sense when I wrote it, this is because I was out of touch from my own self, yet that was the very thing that benefited me the most later on, the realization of the self. First of all, some depressed people might say that they feel like they don't exist. In fact, many depressed people become a bit anti-social and withdrawn because many of the normal things remind them of their own condition and thus become barriers rather than help. This is what people don't get and they think it is the irrationality of the depressed one, yet it makes perfect sense for the depressed and in fact sometimes acts as self defense, to not fall deeper. An example comes from my own experience of shutting off the cell. My biggest problem and fear was complete solitude, so why would you turn off your cell? Because no one called, and it was a big disappointment, the reminder of your own situation, strengthening it, so you just turn it off just in case. It's not irrational, it is very rational, it is to keep you from feeling even worse. It has other functions as well, it is to prevent unwanted calls as well as calls from people you know but they won't understand it, so it's just a cluster of letdowns you won't take, so you shut it off.
It is the same with meeting people. You want social activities, yet you avoid them, because you would be disappointed with the level of understanding to your own condition, you don't want people telling you what to do... if you could shake it off, you probably would do just that. This indicates two things: people have no empathy or they can't get pass their own ego and that they think you're an idiot, indulging in self pity just because. This is highly offensive, and would indicate the first anyway, not being able to get pass their own ego and the need for advice to be recieved, if it is not accepted, it is then seen as an attack to their own experience and wisdom, which at this point is none. And so the depressed one becomes even more lonely. It's a vicious cycle.
So, when you become truly isolated, you don't see people. At all. So then you don't have the benefit of defining yourself with the help of other people. No one tells you anything. So you don't have any interaction, thus the moments of reflection disappear. Then, you feel so bad anyway, that you distance yourself from it and become totally out of touch from yourself. You could be looking at mirror and thinking who the hell is that and not really know the answer. So the question of the self arises.
You keep asking yourself, "who am I?". You are in a situation where you have to say, "I keep myself company". It is ironic what a statement that is, since I and myself mean the same thing. A division of the self becomes obvious, where a dialogue exists. This is not to be mixed up with schizophrenia, it is still one personality, but clearly different levels of the self exists. There is the observer you, and there is the you who is the observed one. To blame yourself, as many depressed people actively pursuit after, is also an indication of two separate states of the self, where you are the punisher and the victim at the same time. Naturally this all is pretty self evident, but when you lose touch to your own core and become just a body, a house of the evicted ones, that is when you realize the observer still exists, but its searches are futile. This is why you realize you don't exist. You have the base and core to figure it out and feel it. It is like saying you don't feel anything. Yet you feel, you feel the nothingness, the anti-feeling and the anti-process of the process, where nothing happens and the contradiction is the de facto state of the account.
The observer still exists and it keeps punishing you to no end. A division of the self has been established stronger, and the return of the core has been made more difficult. As time loses meaning, your temporal-spatial existance is merely a fact for others but not yourself, you can't be exactly described to be a future oriented person anymore, or a person to begin with, many take the path of suicide. It is not because they want to die, it is because they want to stop. The life of a ghost is tremendously painful and it has to be experienced, it cannot be described or compared to other experiences. Suffice to say, people don't make it easy with their non-compliance to friendliness when it goes down. It also becomes obvious, that a person can go utterly ****ing insane, and it becomes a tacit understanding, yet you can cut it with a knife. To grasp what it is like being on the edge of complete madness is frightening. There is no definitive way back or forward, you're floating, waiting, waiting for the worst. The loss of all control, when you become just a body but no function, and when that function later on turns into whatever your subconscious mind brings forward. In my case, it would be waving my penis at everyone and screaming YARRRRR... It was part of my self realization. Perhaps the need to be free, or the idea that I was oppressed, and breaking free would feel good.
This is what most people don't get, that depressed people, even those not suicidial, might hurt themselves in order to get that extra pressure off. To apply help, in ways of hurting yourself. To contact yourself, or find yourself via physical pain, turning into instant feel good. I had no such tendencies, mine were mostly light perversions with exhibitionist flavour. To show my middle finger to everyone was quite literal, to show my penis to everyone - and get away with it. Yet I wasn't sure and I still am not, if it was just an excuse to do it. An excuse to do it BECAUSE I could get away with it. To break free and satisfy my own perversions, because now I had a platform and motive that would not judge me but set me free from it. Or maybe it was both.
But who is to say these aren't layers of yourself as well? Maybe getting out of touch was also a way of getting in touch with the layers unknown to yourself. It has been pointed out before, that even psychotherapy, in some anti-psychiatry literature, is just a way of conformism, that relates in bigger picture to this sort of alingment to contemporary society, norms and laws, what is desireable and so forth. The value of the self has been forgotten in this discourse, so a question exists, reason vs. unreason. And if someone thinks they're Jesus, who is to say them they are not? If they are happy with it, who is the one with the power and justification to break that illusion? And who is to say that person is wrong in any single way? Who is to say my reality is objective and the other person is psychotic, unless they are clearly in distress and pain?
Is it possible to go completely mad in isolation, when the only thing you have is your own thoughts? ABSOLUTELY YES. Another question remains... are you doing it on purpose? Of course this is the question that sets forward other sets of questions, that will, in weeks of pure quasi-philosophical mode, combined with thoughts of drinking your own urine and growing a beard that would be greeted with warm hearts by even the most dedicated terrorists, growing fingernails that would make drag queens cry, thoughts that would make street Jesus say "DAMN!", it is the very question that is going to send you to that edge. So if you follow that path, you will pass the point when you realize it is very possible and passing that point made you realize it is not only possible but also likely. Now comes the most interesting question you will ask yourself. Are you going to fight it or embrace it?
I chose to embrace it. I chose to get to know all my layers, the penis waving maniac screaming YARRRRR, the isolationist weirdo with a fetish for dark closets and marathon sessions of staying in there, not to be isolated per se but to see how it feels, to see how pale you can go and how your eyes look after few days. Of course you realize you will suffocate so that experiment doesn't last too long, which is yet another disappointment to the depressed one. I mean ****, can't I even be in a closet? I guess not. But even less than 24 hours makes a good case of what others see as irrational behaviour, and explain that to your psychologist, and the next appointment will have more people in there, and they're looking to put you in a hospital. Now you're facing a huge dilemma. To tell them the truth or not? **** it, they have an agenda of fixing, not understanding and supporting your journey. Should I tell them about the closet? No, not anymore. Should I tell them about the urge to get out my penis right now? No. Your journey just became an actual fight of your own freedom. **** them. They'll never get it. They're like drug councellors who never did drugs. They're like the DEA who never embraced the good effects of the drugs, mainly the good times. All they see is the bad times.
Madness - totally underrated as an experience of the good as well as overrated as a "bad thing". Soon you will be facing difficult battles, to convince you are being rational when you are acting irrational. How to convince them, that you are doing experiments on yourself and your sanity, just because you now have a platform to do so? It is like being a doctor discovering the benefits of sticking a camera up your ass to see what's wrong. Explain that to the people walking by, why you have a garden hose up your ass, lube in the other hand and taking notes at the same time.
They will not let you continue, your journey will be disrupted, so you will NOT get your salvation. You will be stuck in the madness, you will never reach the realization. In this event, the ones helping you are actually the ones doing the opposite. A healthy warning, this would apply to only less than 1% of people, the remainding 99%+ are actually in need of help the traditional way. But for true weirdos, they need to walk the desert alone - just because. If you don't get it, then you are not part of that 1%.
If you ask yourself why risk your sanity, then you aren't part of that 1%. We don't actually divide it into sanity and insanity. We realize what it means and use those terms and geography of the mind to explain things to the rest, however, we don't see any point or line, that separates the two. To us, THAT is madness. That is the irrational. Thus, a problem with clinical and formal science is born.
However, back to the sticky situation, you have to keep quiet about the more ... extravagant and demanding experiments, otherwise they will stop you and give you a nice room with no view. In fact, the very act of trying to avoid this is rational. This event in itself should show who the irrational one is. It becomes a debate between the one with power and the target. The power situation is proven by the very nature of the situation, where the target says, well, I'd like to continue on with my own path, and I happen to think it is very rational, it may not be that to you, but to me it is and to you say it is objectively irrational IS an irrational statement, making you the irrational one, yes? You are not the judge on rationality, and if you are... who gave you that power? Basically, we are of different breed, and you take your live stock into the malls, I'll take mine to the closet and we will drink our piss, just because. We want to know what it's like. We are the scientists of ourselves. We already went to the mall, we already know what it's like and it wasn't that fascinating to us. So you tell me who is right or wrong.
They might say well, you seem a bit paranoid, and you can always say, well, you seem a bit narcsissist, demanding you're right on the subject of me. Or is this me being manipulative? I mean ****, even YOU don't know what the hell you're talking about, let alone me, the way I see it, we can just take our clothes off and start a gang bang right here, it's not irrational, it's just ****ing. Lots of people do it. Yeah, they don't do it HERE, but then again if you wanna ****, let's ****.
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