Pekka on Pekka

[Pekka]

Erection aside, I can't sleep. Can't sleep can't sleep can't sleep. Cannot sleep. Not can sleep I. I have a dream... to sleep. no wait, I'd have to be asleep to be dreaming. So I guess I don't have a dream. omg I just pwned myself. Damn!

[MattBowron]

well instead of sleeping at night i'm usually running marathons in worlds wondering 'what the **** am I doing here?' 'why are all these freaky things happening to me?' 'wasn't I in bed at my home a while ago?' 'have i gone into another dimension, or has someone just uploaded me into their virtual torture machine ala I have no mouth and want to scream sorta thing?' I end up waking more tired than I did when I went to bed. Worst of all, people try to do stuff like 'study this' 'buy this' 'play this' and most of the time I just want to get home and get some sleep, not be anywhere around them. What's worse is that they appear like people I know, and yet I know they're not them. It's like, "how dare you try to trick me or scam me into doing some **** for you? **** you, I'd rather grab a bunch of samuri swords and make sushi out of you," kinda thing. That's how messed up my dreams make. And even if you try to realize its a dream, it's still ****ed up. But generally my waking life is kinda normal.

[Pekka]

You are insane.

[Heraclitus]

Originally posted by Pekka
You are insane.

I know I am but what are you.

[Theben]

Originally posted by Pekka
I don't "do" pillows. I hug them. THey keep me company.

Something about this makes it very quotable. I'm not sure what it is.

Sorry, Wiggy, but your quote must go.

[Theben]

Oh, nevermind. Apparently I can fit more crap in there thesedays.

[Pekka]

well I'm certainly glad that you find me abstinence from pillows inspiring.

[Provost Harrison]

Hey Pekka buddy, I hope everything is going OK there...I do find it difficult to be quite as open on Apolyton as I once was with some of the characters who linger in the place. Nowadays I feel if I let my guard slip just one little bit then I will be crucified on the boards. It is why I never, ever talk about things that are not going according to plan, prime example being my love life, on this board any more.

Hats off to those of you who do feel you can be that open in this place, yourself and Jon Miller being prime examples. But f**k it, I am going to break with this vow that has stood for many, many years.

I tell you this for nothing Pekka, it is a killer to never be satisfied with anything you do. I am doing the same, I achieve so much but somehow every f**king time it seems hollow. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, I couldn't have made a better decision and better plan and it feels like everything has lead me to this point. Yet I am still dissatisfied with my life. I still feel fat and unattractive and undesirable. It seems that no matter what I do I am never satisfied with my own accomplishments.

I've been back on antidepressants since before Christmas and somehow they just aren't cutting it any more as my depression is returning. I should be pleased, I've achieved my objectives and then some...I even started to scale them down for the time being but the opportunity from the Gods fell in my lap and voila, here I am. But as long as I continue to feel as lonely as I do I don't think it will be possible to feel truly happy.

Is there something deep down that is missing from your life Pekka? Is it, like me, companionship you seek and every victory you make seems pointless unless you have some form of validation? I know it is the case for me. Nearly 31 and still at square one. It was a horrible annoyance to me in my twenties. It scares the s**t out of me in my thirties.

I don't like to spill the beans like this about my life but I hope you find something in this you can get hold of Pekka, that makes you think about what, deep down, is making you feel s**t about yourself. It is incredibly rare with me to talk like this with even friends and family nowadays. Truth is I just don't know how to talk about this stuff any more, it has felt like a cross I now have to bear alone.

I hope you can find a way forward buddy.

[Heraclitus]

Wait, you guys may have notice that I'm new here, Provost is Pekka's behaviour unusuall for him ?

If it is I would like to apologise to Pekka for what must seem like an insensitive comment, it just blows my mind that peopl would be honest on this forum with such personal issues and deeply troubling issues.

If this is the case I suggest you try to consult a specialist, your symptoms seem to match something I *think* I remember reading could be caused by certain forms of brain cancer and gland disorders. If its either of those you should be with some good with some treatment in no time, if its not then you will have a much harder time fixing this.

[Imran Siddiqui]

Sorry to hear that Rich. I am hoping that you can find your way through and make it to the other side with as little pain as possible.

Oh, and Pekka, lemme know more about your Atlanta trip. I got a lot more time on my hands these days, and I wouldn't mind showing a Finn around my stomping grounds (though we'll keep some things secret in the case of the inevitable world domination plan ).

[Imran Siddiqui]

Originally posted by Heraclitus
Wait, you guys may have notice that I'm new here, Provost is Pekkas behaviour unusuall for him ?

If it I'd like to apologise to Pekka for what may seem a insensitive comment, it just blows my mind that peopl would be honest on this forum with such personal issues.

If this is the case I suggest you try to consult a specialist, your symptoms seem to match something I *think* I remember reading could be caused by certain forms of brain cancer and gland disorders. If its either of those you should be with some good with some treatment in no time, if its not then you will have a much harder time fixing this.

Weeeeellll.... Pekka can alternate between his personal stuff and just interesting flights of fancy. Sometimes it is hard to know which is which at times and they can alternate in the same thread.

[Provost Harrison]

Pekka in the past has always seemed quite upbeat and positive. At least as a public face. But I am just as guilty of doing that too, and that is why I made the post I did. I do a fantastic job of hiding my inner daemons most of the time, but lurking underneath the surface is pain and agony as well, and I suspect Pekka is the same. Only the veneer seems to have been wearing a bit thin recently and his anguish is showing. I hope he manages to find a way forward.

The stupid thing is that I have managed to resolve the harder problems in life - career, fitness, financial. The one that should be the most easy, especially with the abilities and talents at my disposal, is matters of the heart. They are a completely alien world to me. There's always a big gaping hole there somewhere which is hard to fill.

[Heraclitus]

Originally posted by Provost Harrison

The stupid thing is that I have managed to resolve the harder problems in life - career, fitness, financial. The one that should be the most easy, especially with the abilities and talents at my disposal, is matters of the heart. They are a completely alien world to me. There's always a big gaping hole there somewhere which is hard to fill.

You do realise we all go through life that way? At least those of us who are motivated enough to reach what we desire and feel empty at the end of the day. Yes there is a hole in the heart of men, and it is meant to be there. We are not made for happines we are made to suffer and if you are smart enough to avoid suffering then you are also smart enough to notice the hole, to stop for a moment, defying the innertia that drags you through life and say: "What am I missing."

The problem off course is that once you realise *something* you can't quite define is missing, is that you go strait back to doing what we are built to do; suffer.
People who don't either haven noticed the hole yet (not smart enough) or are smart enough to find a way around the pain. The problem off course is that nothing guarantees that they won't just go through the same cycle again.

I like apples.

Edit: Just noticed the last bit, trying to cut down on snack food.

[Pekka]

Nah I don' tthink I have brain cancer. But I have a severe burn out and depression that has been diagnosed. I got some meds for the depression though. They arent' still kicking in, but then again I've been having thme only for 2 weeks so I'm still waiting.

I still get good periods and bad periods.

That, plus insonmia has kicked in so it makes things suck even more.

But I'm confident, it was worse some while ago. PH nailed it pretty much. It doesn't seem to matter how much money or how accomplished I can get. I need a person to share it with, companionship is missing from my life. I've been busy achieving.

There is one girl though who is interested in me and I'm definitely interested in her. She's a very nice person, intelligent, succesful and beautiful. It's kind of ironic, if I hadn't totally crashed when I did, I dont think I would have ever gotten this dialogue on with this girl. At that point, I thought I had lost everything, including my health. I thought I'd be never able to enjoy anything. So I was pretty much desperate and miserable. I still kind of am but without crashing, I would have never tried to get it on with this girl, because she is sort of intimidating package to guys. So I was able to be a total straight shooter. Hey, I even talked about babies to her. As in, well, I won't get it on with you unless you have considered havign babies at some point. You know, totally uncensored, just listing stuff I like. She happened to like that. She finds my mind fascinating so I guess that's why she is _still_ interested in me. And I'm only looking for long term things now, possibly permanent. So is she. And she is still interested in me. So she has brought joy in my life lately. But she lives far away from me so we don't get to hang out right now.

To tell you the truth, she has kept me sane. I still got that one hope left. And I know that it is the missing link. Other than that, I get my career going back with full force once I get some energy back, and then I'd be very happy. That's all I could ask for. So we'll see. I'm still hopeful. I could still be the luckiest guy on earth with a dream job and a dream girl. Then again, I'm still trapped inside my house. I've been inside this ****er for a month now basically. I've gone to the store to get some food but that' sit, and twice to the office for an hour. Other than that, plus few doctor visits, I've been inside 24/7.

So yeah, it still pretty much sucks. But I'm hopeful. The difference between rock bottom and this is that there is no future in rock bottom. There's none. So there's some positive things going on. Other than that, this sucks badly every single second.

Imran, my trip has been postponed 6 weeks it seems now due to visa issues. I'll let you know then, maybe we can teabag each other.

[DaShi]

Originally posted by Pekka
well I'm certainly glad that you find me abstinence from pillows inspiring.

Perhaps your prudish pillows are the cause of your everlasting erections.