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An old mate and drinking buddy of mine got married not long ago. A couple of my friends were best man groomsman.
This was the speech the best man gave. One of the better ones I've heard. One should note that the groom's parents are extremely conservative Catholics.
names redacted to protect the innocent
*Groomsman 2 actually had to endure a worse speech at his wedding a few years back, in which the best man recounted the true story of his first date with the woman he was marrying. She had arranged for him to do the big first meeting with her friends at a movie, but he spent the afternoon at a local tavern and arrived at the movie in a state she later acidly described as "inebriated". He kept passing in and out of consciousness during the film and snoring loudly. Her friends weren't impressed. About an hour into the film he went to the lavatory, vomited and passed out. He woke up and didn't understand where he was, and promptly walked off home to bed, only to be furiously awoken by her a couple of hours later accused of a crime he couldn't remember committing.
This was the speech the best man gave. One of the better ones I've heard. One should note that the groom's parents are extremely conservative Catholics.
names redacted to protect the innocent
X and Y's Wedding Speech
Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, [bride] and [groom].
Firstly, may I start by thanking [groom] on behalf of the Bridesmaids’ for his kind words. For those of you who don’t know me my name is [x]. My full name is actually ‘[x] would-you-like-a-drink’. For those of you who I meet in the bar later, I’d appreciate it if you could use my full name.
[groom] only asked [groomsman 2]* and I to be his groomsmen to stop us wearing Hawaiian shirts to the wedding as we've been threatening to do for years. It is with honour I take on the task however the last time I had to stand up in a room full of people and speak about someone, he was found guilty and fined. [this is actually true]
I think being a best man can be a very nerve wrecking experience. If there’s one person here this evening feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy about what lies ahead, then it’s probably because you’ve just married [groom].
They say a good speech is like a MINI SKIRT …… SHORT enough to be interesting but LONG enough to cover the ESSENTIALS… So here goes…
[groom] and [bride] have finally got married, for better or worse. This is quite appropriate, as [groom] couldn’t have done any better and [bride] couldn’t have done any worse.
I would like to thank [A] the Maid of Honour, and [B] the bridesmaid for looking fantastic throughout the day, and for performing their role outstandingly. It can’t have been easy dragging [bride] to the chapel, especially considering she knew what the outcome would be.
I've known [groom] since our days at [local] Primary School. His nickname was “Saus”, either due to his appearance [he's red and large] or the amount of sauages he would eat at our weekly pilgrimage to the [local] fish and chip shop.
[groom] has always been very competetive, whether it be cards, chess, pool or karate.
Ask [groom] about his famous “Ippon” which he scored against me in a Karate match many years ago. Needless to say, I wiped the deck with him for the rest of the bout! [also true - I remember him going on about this for ages]
[Bride] too shares this competitve streek as you only need to look at the [Local Workingmen's Club] winners board to see both their names.
It must take hours to decide who washes the dishes in their house as they battle it out on their pool table.
I first met [bride] at [local restaurant] where we were both employed as kitchen hands. We may have in fact met earlier, I have discovered, as we both frequented the same bars in [small city] for many years. She was also a regular at [name of notorious tavern and sleazy pickup joint], a bar I used to bounce in.
It wasn't long after I left [local restaurant] that she popped up as a bartender at the [Local Workingmen's Club]. I remember saying to my parents “she'd make a great girlfriend for [groom]” who was a regular [Local Workingmen's Club] customer. From her work experience I knew she could wash dishes, cook, and pour a decent beer. If her father had owned a brewery she would have been the perfect woman!
[bride] and [groom] first met at the [Local Workingmen's Club] 3 and a bit years ago and started seeing one another, and [bride] tells me that the first time she set eyes on [groom] she thought he was handsome from afar. Now she thinks he’s far from handsome. They managed to keep things under wraps for 6 months before anyone suspected.
Many of you will be aware that it wasn't long before [bride] moved in with [groom] in [his house]. Although their house does require a bit of DIY work, [groom] assures me that he and [bride] are banging and screwing at every opportunity.
I do have to say how lucky you are [groom]. You will leave here having gained a wife that is warm, loving and caring. A wife who is funny, and who radiates beauty where ever she goes.
And [bride], how lucky you are as well you leave today having gained a gorgeous dress and a lovely bouquet of flowers.
Some Advice
As best man I believe I should offer some wise words to the couple about their future relationship together.
So I would just like to pass on the following:
[groom]
Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who’s boss then do everything [bride] says.
Always remember to tell your wife those three important little words ‘You’re right dear’.
[bride]
A husband is like a tiled floor lay it right first time and you can spend years walking all over it.
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take the husband gives and the wife takes.
Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, [bride] and [groom].
Firstly, may I start by thanking [groom] on behalf of the Bridesmaids’ for his kind words. For those of you who don’t know me my name is [x]. My full name is actually ‘[x] would-you-like-a-drink’. For those of you who I meet in the bar later, I’d appreciate it if you could use my full name.
[groom] only asked [groomsman 2]* and I to be his groomsmen to stop us wearing Hawaiian shirts to the wedding as we've been threatening to do for years. It is with honour I take on the task however the last time I had to stand up in a room full of people and speak about someone, he was found guilty and fined. [this is actually true]
I think being a best man can be a very nerve wrecking experience. If there’s one person here this evening feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy about what lies ahead, then it’s probably because you’ve just married [groom].
They say a good speech is like a MINI SKIRT …… SHORT enough to be interesting but LONG enough to cover the ESSENTIALS… So here goes…
[groom] and [bride] have finally got married, for better or worse. This is quite appropriate, as [groom] couldn’t have done any better and [bride] couldn’t have done any worse.
I would like to thank [A] the Maid of Honour, and [B] the bridesmaid for looking fantastic throughout the day, and for performing their role outstandingly. It can’t have been easy dragging [bride] to the chapel, especially considering she knew what the outcome would be.
I've known [groom] since our days at [local] Primary School. His nickname was “Saus”, either due to his appearance [he's red and large] or the amount of sauages he would eat at our weekly pilgrimage to the [local] fish and chip shop.
[groom] has always been very competetive, whether it be cards, chess, pool or karate.
Ask [groom] about his famous “Ippon” which he scored against me in a Karate match many years ago. Needless to say, I wiped the deck with him for the rest of the bout! [also true - I remember him going on about this for ages]
[Bride] too shares this competitve streek as you only need to look at the [Local Workingmen's Club] winners board to see both their names.
It must take hours to decide who washes the dishes in their house as they battle it out on their pool table.
I first met [bride] at [local restaurant] where we were both employed as kitchen hands. We may have in fact met earlier, I have discovered, as we both frequented the same bars in [small city] for many years. She was also a regular at [name of notorious tavern and sleazy pickup joint], a bar I used to bounce in.
It wasn't long after I left [local restaurant] that she popped up as a bartender at the [Local Workingmen's Club]. I remember saying to my parents “she'd make a great girlfriend for [groom]” who was a regular [Local Workingmen's Club] customer. From her work experience I knew she could wash dishes, cook, and pour a decent beer. If her father had owned a brewery she would have been the perfect woman!
[bride] and [groom] first met at the [Local Workingmen's Club] 3 and a bit years ago and started seeing one another, and [bride] tells me that the first time she set eyes on [groom] she thought he was handsome from afar. Now she thinks he’s far from handsome. They managed to keep things under wraps for 6 months before anyone suspected.
Many of you will be aware that it wasn't long before [bride] moved in with [groom] in [his house]. Although their house does require a bit of DIY work, [groom] assures me that he and [bride] are banging and screwing at every opportunity.
I do have to say how lucky you are [groom]. You will leave here having gained a wife that is warm, loving and caring. A wife who is funny, and who radiates beauty where ever she goes.
And [bride], how lucky you are as well you leave today having gained a gorgeous dress and a lovely bouquet of flowers.
Some Advice
As best man I believe I should offer some wise words to the couple about their future relationship together.
So I would just like to pass on the following:
[groom]
Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who’s boss then do everything [bride] says.
Always remember to tell your wife those three important little words ‘You’re right dear’.
[bride]
A husband is like a tiled floor lay it right first time and you can spend years walking all over it.
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take the husband gives and the wife takes.
*Groomsman 2 actually had to endure a worse speech at his wedding a few years back, in which the best man recounted the true story of his first date with the woman he was marrying. She had arranged for him to do the big first meeting with her friends at a movie, but he spent the afternoon at a local tavern and arrived at the movie in a state she later acidly described as "inebriated". He kept passing in and out of consciousness during the film and snoring loudly. Her friends weren't impressed. About an hour into the film he went to the lavatory, vomited and passed out. He woke up and didn't understand where he was, and promptly walked off home to bed, only to be furiously awoken by her a couple of hours later accused of a crime he couldn't remember committing.
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