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My Horror Movie Theory

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  • My Horror Movie Theory

    I remember back in the 80s that there were a lot of schlocky horror movies around, sub-Nightmare on Elm Street stuff, that was mostly what I would describe as soft core porn for kids, stuff like Slumber Camp Massacre, etc, also films from the tag end of the 70s.

    Porno for kids means like Stephen King novels...you couldn't just go into a video store and rent a porno under 18, but you could go rent something that came awfully close, as long as the teens in the movie are slaughtered. I mean, if I rented a video that was just about teenagers at a slumber camp screwing, I couldn't back then...but I could rent a movie about teenagers at a slumber camp screwing who get murdered! Despite the 'r' rating, the video store never stopped me because it was just a scary movie.

    Also, it was a great way to keep your mum in the dark. Most moms don't like horror movies, and they're always watched late at night when parents sleep. The whole horror genre in the 80s seemed to be a way for me to get my sweaty little hands on soft core....

    But then the Internet was invented, and as we all know the Internet Is For Porn. So kids no longer had to settle for thinly-veiled softcore, or playboys stolen during high risk covert ops against older family members.

    Therefore the Old Guard of classic trash fell by the wayside...Where are the Satan's Sluts? The Sorority House Massacres!!? The (insert formulaic horror movie here) part VIIII's??

    Gone, gone...my heart is full of sorrow. The horror genre became twisted, full of CGI crap, and with a disturbing lack of nubile young coeds being naked for no readily apparent reason.

    It was truly the end of an era.

    What kind of generation of weak-kneed,sissified boys are we raising, who no longer have to use guile and daring to satisfy their curiosity? In my day we had to WORK for our porn, it was an accomplishment, the game as much as the prize, and we took what we could get and were happy with it. The sneaking, the bribery, the schoolyard business deals, all valuable training.

    These days a lad has naught to do but wait until the parents are out and he has instant access to universe of smut!! It's ****ing lazy, and spoiling.

    The Sun has gone down on Western Civilization.
    "Wait a minute..this isn''t FAUX dive, it's just a DIVE!"
    "...Mangy dog staggering about, looking vainly for a place to die."
    "sauna stories? There are no 'sauna stories'.. I mean.. sauna is sauna. You do by the laws of sauna." -P.

  • #2
    You remind be of that black guy who worked as an English teacher in Japan. He has the same theory.
    Graffiti in a public toilet
    Do not require skill or wit
    Among the **** we all are poets
    Among the poets we are ****.

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    • #3
      :sniff: That's just so beautiful...

      In fact, this is even more true for those of us old farts who didn't even have movie rentals. Instead, you had to find the "right" movie to go to, especially in high school. (Bonnie and Clyde opening scene ) One of the best parts of going away to college was the fact that we were free to indulge in occasionally attending the "adult" cinema in town.

      But I digress. Seeker's basic thesis -- that Al Gore has destroyed Western Civilization by inventing the Internet and using it to give kids access to free pr0n -- is right on the mark.
      Apolyton's Grim Reaper 2008, 2010 & 2011
      RIP lest we forget... SG (2) and LaFayette -- Civ2 Succession Games Brothers-in-Arms

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      • #4
        Pics??

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        • #5


          The enemy cannot push a button if you disable his hand.

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          • #6
            Ah, 'Toolbox' killer...where are you now? Displaced by 'smart' and 'edgey' films like 'Saw'?

            Your chisel is dulled, your monkeywrench rusted, your cheesy Technicolour outdated....

            Where are your endless parade of large breasted victims? Probably fat and old with 3 kids and a mole the size of K-2 by now...(sob)

            A relic of a more innocent era of mindless violence and debauchery, our modern world could never understand you...

            I salute you.
            "Wait a minute..this isn''t FAUX dive, it's just a DIVE!"
            "...Mangy dog staggering about, looking vainly for a place to die."
            "sauna stories? There are no 'sauna stories'.. I mean.. sauna is sauna. You do by the laws of sauna." -P.

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            • #7
              I haven't seen saw. Isn't that a slasher film?

              To me horror films should be suspenseful and scary (though most films don't scare me) not be full of blood and gore.

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              • #8
                Excellent article http://www.hysteria-lives.co.uk/hyst..._wasteland.htm
                I love being beaten by women - Lorizael

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by -Jrabbit
                  :sniff: That's just so beautiful...

                  In fact, this is even more true for those of us old farts who didn't even have movie rentals. Instead, you had to find the "right" movie to go to, especially in high school. (Bonnie and Clyde opening scene )
                  Bonnie and Clyde was far too highbrow for this purpose. What cable and video really finished off was the glorious delights of drive-in exploitation movies, which pushed their R ratings to the limits in the name of teen titilation. Nothing in the vast flood of illicit images that have come my way since turning 18 -- over a quarter of a century ago -- has ever equaled the sublime pleasures of Revenge of the Cheerleaders.
                  "I have as much authority as the pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it." — George Carlin

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                  • #10
                    Re: My Horror Movie Theory

                    Originally posted by Seeker
                    Gone, gone...my heart is full of sorrow. The horror genre became twisted, full of CGI crap, and with a disturbing lack of nubile young coeds being naked for no readily apparent reason.
                    So true. Don't forget about shaky camera sequences to convey a sense of out of control action which just ends up looking ****e.

                    How sad that bouncy boobs by themselves are taboo, but bouncy boobs getting slashed by Michael Myers = OK. Morality for the depraved.
                    Voluntary Human Extinction Movement http://www.vhemt.org/

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                    • #11
                      I'm suddenly nostalgic for drive-in movies and steamed-up windows...
                      Apolyton's Grim Reaper 2008, 2010 & 2011
                      RIP lest we forget... SG (2) and LaFayette -- Civ2 Succession Games Brothers-in-Arms

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