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Blood, Guts and Spunk- The life of Harald Hardrada
In Britain, Harald Hardrada ("The Ruthless") is a mere cameo role in history- known only for his unsuccessful attempt to invade England in 1066. This is a crying shame, because the man was solid gold legend material; his life story is the sort of rip-roaring combination of violence and farce to cause priapism in any Hollywood producer. Why his life story hasn't been filmed remains a mystery to me, but I'm happy to do what I can to redress the balance.
Harald III Sigurdsson (to give him his full title) was always a bit of a throwback. While other Scandinavian kings had spent the past century really getting these statesmanship and nobility things down to a fine art, Harald was far more in tune with the Viking raiders of 300 years earlier. He even managed to make Ivar the Boneless look like a bit of a big girl's blouse. A blonde giant, supposedly around seven feet tall, his prowess in battle was legendary, matched only by the prowess of the contents of his chain-mail jockstrap.
His older half-brother was Olaf II Haraldsson, king of Norway, and from adolescence onwards Harald was fighting for his brother. He had already showed promise as a warrior when in 1530, at the age of just 15 he took part in the disastrous Battle of Stiklestad, where the Norse forces were defeated by the Danish forces of Cnut. Olaf II was killed in the battle, and Cnut's agents weren't about to leave any convenient heirs go free. Young Harald, not for the last time in his colourful life, fled the country.
Heading south-east he ended up in the service of the Grand Prince Yaroslav, who took on the young warrior as promising elite bodyguard. This combination of courtly favours and brutalviolence in a job suited Harald just fine, but unfortunately he quickly developed a failing to keep "Harald Jr" in his pants at the right moment. Within a couple of years he was enthusiastically rogering Yaroslav's daughter Elizabeth, and when the enraged Prince caught them at it he was once again required to make a run for the borders, hitching his pants up on the way.
He stopped running when he reached Constantinople, and enlisted into the Varangian bodyguard of the Byzantine Emperor, Michael IV. Once again, his ability to turn opponents into wobbly piles of offal was noted with approval by his employer, and he fought with notable heroics in Sicily and Bulgaria. With meteoric speed he was promoted to leader of the Imperial Bodyguard, though once again his dangly bits had a significant part to play.
At that time, the real power in Byzantium was wielded by the Empress Zoe (who featured in "Historical Filth- Big-breasted Psychobints from hell"). Zoe was a ruthless and highly-sexed old crow, prone to giving her latest young playthings important positions, before brutally discarding them- Michael IV was one of three lovers she made Emperor. With young Harald only too obvious around the palace, it was only a matter of time before the strapping Norse stud met Zoe's eye and greying loins. The 37-year age gap between them was no problem, and Harald's spear was not his only shaft pressed into imperial service.
It didn't pay to get complacent with one as unpredictable and callous as old Zoe, however. Harald was watching (and may even have played a role in) the overthrowing and blinding of Michael V Calaphates, and he was under no illusions as far as the Empress was concerned. As soon as he fell into disfavour, he made his usual exit from the state at high speed. Having spent a few years porking a coffin-dodger, he found himself craving fresher meat so he took a detour back through Russian land and spirited off his old flame Elizabeth from Yaroslav's court. Marrying her en route, the serial escapee exited Kiev at top speed.
Harald returned to Norway in 1045, and this time his fortunes were looking up. He was now 30 years old, and his nephew Magnus I Olafsson was on the throne- the two of them agreed to share power. Within two years, Magnus was killed in battle, leaving Harald as sole king of Norway.
He spent the next 19 years in power, but it wasn't a good time for Norway. Harald couldn't resist taking a pop at the Danes, and launched into a long and bloody attempt to topple the Danish king Sweyn II. Strictly speaking, Harald should have won this, but he was far too busy doing traditional Viking raids to put together coherent military strategies. This war ended in a stalemate in 1062, but Harald wasn't finished yet. He had already had major fallings out with every major religious leader going (he wasn't the pious type) including the Pope. Now he was after another conquest to see him into history. So far he had extended Norse territory in the Orkneys, but he was tempted by a much bigger prize.
Through an old treaty between Edmund Ironside and Harthacanute, Harald Hardrada had a claim on the English crown, and when the embittered Tostig (brother of the English king Harold II) came forward with an invasion plot, Harald was well up for it. He put together a massive fleet and invaded.
In the famous precursor to the Battle of Hastings, Harold Hardrada's forces met Harold II's at Stamfordbridge. Typically, the huge old warrior was in the thick of things, but early in the battle his luck ran out and he was cut down. His sole gain on English soil proved to be the seven feet of earth they laid him in. The weakened Saxon forces rushed south to their defeat, and the story of one of history's greatest chancers came to an end.
In Britain, Harald Hardrada ("The Ruthless") is a mere cameo role in history- known only for his unsuccessful attempt to invade England in 1066. This is a crying shame, because the man was solid gold legend material; his life story is the sort of rip-roaring combination of violence and farce to cause priapism in any Hollywood producer. Why his life story hasn't been filmed remains a mystery to me, but I'm happy to do what I can to redress the balance.
Harald III Sigurdsson (to give him his full title) was always a bit of a throwback. While other Scandinavian kings had spent the past century really getting these statesmanship and nobility things down to a fine art, Harald was far more in tune with the Viking raiders of 300 years earlier. He even managed to make Ivar the Boneless look like a bit of a big girl's blouse. A blonde giant, supposedly around seven feet tall, his prowess in battle was legendary, matched only by the prowess of the contents of his chain-mail jockstrap.
His older half-brother was Olaf II Haraldsson, king of Norway, and from adolescence onwards Harald was fighting for his brother. He had already showed promise as a warrior when in 1530, at the age of just 15 he took part in the disastrous Battle of Stiklestad, where the Norse forces were defeated by the Danish forces of Cnut. Olaf II was killed in the battle, and Cnut's agents weren't about to leave any convenient heirs go free. Young Harald, not for the last time in his colourful life, fled the country.
Heading south-east he ended up in the service of the Grand Prince Yaroslav, who took on the young warrior as promising elite bodyguard. This combination of courtly favours and brutalviolence in a job suited Harald just fine, but unfortunately he quickly developed a failing to keep "Harald Jr" in his pants at the right moment. Within a couple of years he was enthusiastically rogering Yaroslav's daughter Elizabeth, and when the enraged Prince caught them at it he was once again required to make a run for the borders, hitching his pants up on the way.
He stopped running when he reached Constantinople, and enlisted into the Varangian bodyguard of the Byzantine Emperor, Michael IV. Once again, his ability to turn opponents into wobbly piles of offal was noted with approval by his employer, and he fought with notable heroics in Sicily and Bulgaria. With meteoric speed he was promoted to leader of the Imperial Bodyguard, though once again his dangly bits had a significant part to play.
At that time, the real power in Byzantium was wielded by the Empress Zoe (who featured in "Historical Filth- Big-breasted Psychobints from hell"). Zoe was a ruthless and highly-sexed old crow, prone to giving her latest young playthings important positions, before brutally discarding them- Michael IV was one of three lovers she made Emperor. With young Harald only too obvious around the palace, it was only a matter of time before the strapping Norse stud met Zoe's eye and greying loins. The 37-year age gap between them was no problem, and Harald's spear was not his only shaft pressed into imperial service.
It didn't pay to get complacent with one as unpredictable and callous as old Zoe, however. Harald was watching (and may even have played a role in) the overthrowing and blinding of Michael V Calaphates, and he was under no illusions as far as the Empress was concerned. As soon as he fell into disfavour, he made his usual exit from the state at high speed. Having spent a few years porking a coffin-dodger, he found himself craving fresher meat so he took a detour back through Russian land and spirited off his old flame Elizabeth from Yaroslav's court. Marrying her en route, the serial escapee exited Kiev at top speed.
Harald returned to Norway in 1045, and this time his fortunes were looking up. He was now 30 years old, and his nephew Magnus I Olafsson was on the throne- the two of them agreed to share power. Within two years, Magnus was killed in battle, leaving Harald as sole king of Norway.
He spent the next 19 years in power, but it wasn't a good time for Norway. Harald couldn't resist taking a pop at the Danes, and launched into a long and bloody attempt to topple the Danish king Sweyn II. Strictly speaking, Harald should have won this, but he was far too busy doing traditional Viking raids to put together coherent military strategies. This war ended in a stalemate in 1062, but Harald wasn't finished yet. He had already had major fallings out with every major religious leader going (he wasn't the pious type) including the Pope. Now he was after another conquest to see him into history. So far he had extended Norse territory in the Orkneys, but he was tempted by a much bigger prize.
Through an old treaty between Edmund Ironside and Harthacanute, Harald Hardrada had a claim on the English crown, and when the embittered Tostig (brother of the English king Harold II) came forward with an invasion plot, Harald was well up for it. He put together a massive fleet and invaded.
In the famous precursor to the Battle of Hastings, Harold Hardrada's forces met Harold II's at Stamfordbridge. Typically, the huge old warrior was in the thick of things, but early in the battle his luck ran out and he was cut down. His sole gain on English soil proved to be the seven feet of earth they laid him in. The weakened Saxon forces rushed south to their defeat, and the story of one of history's greatest chancers came to an end.
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