What is the best way to help those who are making life altering mistakes?

[Grandpa Troll]

I wanted to stop what I felt was a threadjack, partly by me and will leave the others as nameless.

I have a very dark and painful past. Very painful. Also dishonorable, despictable, almost unforgiveable. Abuse, physical and emotional. Substance abuse. Disrespectful,antisocial and disruptive behavior. Some self inflicted most not.

I have my opinions (Non-Dr.Phil by the way) of how to handle ministering/mentoring to someone headed down a similiar path.

What sayeth on these matters fellow Poly Professionals?

[Kuciwalker]

Chastity belt.

[Jon Miller]

Advice should be given.. then given again when asked. Otherwise back off after the advice was given. Forcing stuff on people is rarely successful. A reminder of the advice everyonce in a while can also be good.

This can be adjusted for small kids. Or for certain issues.

Some of this relates to my Christianity. While I feel that I should represent God, and should tell about Him to those who ask, I think that conversion is between the person and God.

Similarly, I think that a positive change of behavior is between a person and their conscience (and God).

Jon Miller

[DRoseDARs]

Tell them you've been where they are and have made the mistakes they're making, that you're willing to act as a sounding board, but to get the help they really need you should refer them to a professional center/professional help. People are paid to help those who are living on a razor's edge so that others (like you) don't have to ruin their own lives in the process of helping those in dire need of intervention.

[SlowwHand]

I have 2 opinions that I use as I'm in the mood.
The first, I sit back, and know, and say nothing unless asked.
The second, if benevolent, is to voice my opinion unsolicited,
In either case, I tell them only once. It's their life, and most times the lessons learned hard are the lessons learned best.

[SlowwHand]

I said, "Straight forward, honestly" which I don't see as any different than "B".

[ZEE]

Gramps,
straight foreward = good advice.
people dont like listening to B.S.
people are impatient and mean MOST of the time...
get straight to the point when giving advice...
at least, this is what I have been used to...
just tell them like it is...
what mistakes they are making and such...
i have had a crazy and quite unforgivable past as well...
and if I am to give advice based on my personal experiences...
i will tell them str8 up... like a man...
thats real.
piece

[Lul Thyme]

I hope this isn't a threadjack.
Basically I'm from Ottawa, but I live in Europe right now.
I have this friend that moved to Toronto 3 years ago.
We don't talk very often but we were talking yesterday and at some point she started talking how she was planning on moving back to Ottawa. It just kept coming out and it turns out she's on and off with this extremely abusing boyfriend. She's very isolated in Toronto, doesn't know anyone so he's probably using this.

I really don't know how to act in those situations.
I don't think I was her closest friend, but I guess she just needed someone to talk to at that point.
I wanted to say to just leave the guy, but it's always hard for me to give direct advice. I feel like I'm not qualified or I don't know what. I always try the route of asking questions, and making her figure out herself.

Maybe I've seen people give direct advice before that was wrong, and maybe I'd rather err on the careful side.
Although in this case it's quite obvious what the right thing to do is.

For me it isn't a question of driving the person away or not, it's more of a question "what if I'm wrong?".

[Pekka]

Depends very much on the situation.. I mean this is my opinion.

OTOH I think people should be allowed to make mistakes, even grave ones. It is their life after all. Who am I to stop someone else?

But I think it is only fair, that if you have additional information that in your mind should be taken into consideration, you should tell them that in a reasonable manner. Like, "You might want to reconsider, and here's why.. ". When they have the facts, and they still want to go ahead.. then I'd just let them go ahead and fumble.

So I'm with Sloww on this one, tell them once, give them the facts you have, perhaps ask them to reconsider but that's pretty much the only thing you can do really.

But, if it's an abusive case, that is, a person is about to kill themselves or stuff like that, lethal things, I'd consider an intervention. You know, I still believe they can do what they want, but if we are friends, I feel it is my duty to stop and put a hold on the situation. A person might not be thinking clearly. It might not be what they want after all. So... that would be the helpful hand, that requires you to step in. But only in very dramatic situations IMO, life and death stuff.

And about your past, I remember reading some of it and it was a bit extreme but it is only cumulative as life experiences, and if you can take that and put things into perspective, it's not necessarily all negative. We can't change the things done, but we can do things undone and also build our characters from those experiences. So what really matters is what people will do, not what they did. Besides, you had to play with the hand dealt to you, and you're still here, so surviving isn't something to be ashamed of, even if it meant some things had to be done.

So why would you have regrets? Unless you murdered someone and raped their family, I don't see a reason to be regretful. You're not alone in this world, a lot of people affect to your situation in some way, and that situation can be sometimes difficult to handle, but you just have to play along, and sometimes it's what we commonly think as negative measures has to be taken.

I don't know all the stories, but I'd say try to benefit from the experiences, try to appreciate the negative. You have assigned the negative value to some of it, but maybe it's time to assign another value to those things, and that's just experience and wisdom from that. And like I said, the world is filled with rape murderers, so unless you're experienced in murder and rape, I'd say you have nothing to worry about. Don't let the past haunt, bad and painful memories are part of everyone, the question is how much. And, you're still here so.. it's not like you did all things wrong, you must have done something right .

I'd say you need a strategy here. You clearly want to influence the decision making of someone else. So you need to figure out what motivates that person, how can you effect that decision making. Shouting and blaming usually doens't work and sometimes have the opposite effect. So how can you intelligently give your propaganda effectively.. The key is to make the other person realize and see what you see. Not just "ok I see your point as well", but it doesn't weigh in enough. So you need to figure out how to make it count.

OR

You can let that person make their mistakes, depending how big of a mistake is been made and how sure you are it really is a mistake and there's no other outcomes, you can also decide to be a supporting force, that is, let them know what you think but state that you'll be there for that person later on, and then you'll just have to suck it up and help that person later on without being too judgemental. This is most likely what I'd do if it was my friend. If it was family? Maybe I'd make a stronger point about not making that mistake.

And as to what goes with abusive spouses and stuff like that, if the violence is real, I'd offer to help as in first become the supporting person for the woman, then find out the truth, as in do you stay with him because oyu are afraid to leave, afraid there will be more violence? If so, we can work it out definitely.

[Pekka]

Can you gives us more information? Like what kind of a mistake is being done and how, and what kind of a person is doing it? We might be able to help you strategize, so at least you would be aware of more options and make a good solid choice how you want to proceed with this.

[ZEE]

i would tell you of MY mistakes Pekka...
but i really doubt anybody gives a damn anyway...
the point i was making is simple from personal experience...
people dont like to be given the runaround...
piece

[Grandpa Troll]

Originally posted by SlowwHand
I said, "Straight forward, honestly" which I don't see as any different than "B".

I see a slight difference between a & b

a is exactly Honest and straight forward, b adds a little lube to get the point across, little less abrasive and like the saying goes, honey attracts more flies than vinegar, so basically be sensitive to pain/shame a person is enduring.

Gramps

[SlowwHand]

Given that definition , I'd go "B".

[Grandpa Troll]

Originally posted by SlowwHand
Given that definition , I'd go "B".

Re-responded to you original answer

GT

[Grandpa Troll]

Originally posted by Grandpa Troll



I see a slight difference between a & b

a is exactly Honest and straight forward, b adds a little lube to get the point across, little less abrasive and like the saying goes, honey attracts more flies than vinegar, so basically be sensitive to pain/shame a person is enduring.

Gramps

Dang, kinda asleep when responded Slow, mah baaad

My response for "B" above should be a response for "C"

The difference between A & B would be same definition for A but B would kinda lamebaste them with guilt or shame with no regard for their feelings/disposition

Sorry for confusion
GT