Do you ever think about..

[Pekka]

... how stupid your life is? I mean not like it's stupid in a sense you're not doing anything or that your not being productive. But stupid in a sense that you don't know if you're doing the right thing for you?

I keep thinking.. I still keep thinking man. That one day, when I wake up, I won't go to my job. One day, I'll just say, "screw that office and everyone in it", pack up very little and just go. Go to France. And join the FFL. This has been torturing my soul for years now. It's now years it's been in my head. I've been able to push it away. Sometimes I'm glad I didn't go, because look at the opportunities now. But even more often I think about how worthless this all is.

When was I the most happiest? In the Army. The only thing that got me down a bit was the lack of challenge. Sure, it had its moments when you had to kind of think hard about stuff, think hard, focus, just focus with all your energy so you'll shut your face and dont' say a thing. I hated whiners in there. Not personally, but just the way some people quit. Not the army, but a task. It's too hard, blaablaablaa. It's a subjective thing, this isn't hard, this is normal, this is like what people do in their normal lives and this isn't even fighting. That woudl be a hundred times harder.

If you feel like a 30km in full gear march is too much, go ahead and go home. People who quit because it's hard, because they are hurting a bit, because they really have to push, I think they just have a weak character. I enjoy the push. That push is for me. I can't say that punishments were messing with me too much. I'm easy to handle. I'll do what is told. I won't complain about it. I assume my role completely, and that role is to do what is told and do it as well as I can. If someone says I need to run 100 meters and then come back, I'll run like my life depended on it. No one has to shout me to get it going, I'll burst into a sprint. If I'm not going faster, it's because I can't.

I love challenge. It makes me feel stronger. It makes me feel good. I'd love to.. I mean one thing I'm not looking forward is to live in a jungle, but then again it would be the greatest challenge for me, because I hate jungle, I hate bugs, I'm afraid of snakes and spiders. So that's a challenge. And not like a fun challenge, as in I'll quit if it doesn't feel good. No no no.. I'd have to kill myself if I did that, quit, for no good reason at all.

I still dream about it. I actually dream about joining frequently, in my night sleep. It's a fantasy. I'm conscious about pushing it away from my thoughts. It would mean I'll give up everything and never return. I'm too eager and afraid I might just do it. Today I was at the gym, and I was doing some training and all I kept thinking was, "I need to be able to" this and that. Why? Very spesific things I felt I needed to be able to do. Well, those are the things they do in there. Then it hit me how much I miss it. I just miss it and it made me miserable to think about how happy I could be, and instead I'm just gathering things, mostly material, starting to get out of shape sooner or later, adn getting more sissy by the minute.

I feel I'd do well in there. I try to push it away, it's a daily battle.

[Nubclear]

Then join.

[SlowwHand]

Move to the USA and join U.S. Air Force.


Don't be a squid like TCO. Squids are meatheads.

[Pekka]

They won't take me, I've done a lot of inquiries about this earlier. If they did, I would have done this back in 2003. I was semi-desperate to go, I talked to the recruiters in goarmy and all kinds of places. No chance. I mean, first you need a green card, permanent residency. They won't help you with this, so joining the army is not something that helps you getting these mandatory things.

And even then, when you'd get all this stuff, if you're not a native, you're chances of getting to do anything serious are slim to none. You'll be ending up doing very 'secure' jobs, because of the .. risks involved, I mean essentially it's foreigners coming in, so infiltration is not something looked upon as a minimal threat.

Also, I'm not looking getting into service that has nothing special in it, that is, I'm looking to get into a good place and not just 'learn how to shoot, punch and crawl'. That I can do already. I'd like to learn more. I'd like to jump out of planes and go into weird stuff.

2REP in FFL is something that is very interesting to me. It is the elite of elite. Paratroopers of the FFL. Mean mofos. They get all the combat missions first. And they do get them, even though they're not in the papers. I'm not sure I'd get in though, I might not get in to that unit. Lot of competition, everyone wants there. A lot of spec ops join there just to join the 2REP if they are accepted, and a lot of them aren't accepted.

I guess the only thing that keeps me holding back is the lack of acceptance in the society. I don't care about it too much, but if you'd get back, you have to explain why you were missing for a minimum of 5 years, and if you mention FFL, you won't be doing anything luxurious. It has a stigma, most people think you're a mercenary. And they're probably right, but they think of it as highly negative.

So, it's not just a 5 year mandatory minimum contract. It's a contract for life, because that's all you're going to be doing then. I don't think 5 years is too bad, even though you might regret it a many times during it, but it's after the 5 years that keeps bugging me. You won't be returning into the airport with people throwing flowers at your feet

You also have to factor in that you won't be getting any family for that time either, so you don't have a family to return to, or people to write to. I'd be a lonely person for a long time, possibly for the rest of my life. Also, there's opportunities to score after that, like joining a good PMC. YOu'll get into PMC if you served in 2REP, that's not the problem. Of course, you'd have to calcualte your life expetancy after that, I'd give it maybe an average of 2 years, or shorter life spand. Also, you're guaranteed to get tortured and no one will save your ass or try to negotiate for you. Not only do you get a horrible death about the level of medieval times, your balls cut off and your head missing, but there's no one who knows about it, and also if it makes out, you were the bad guy to begin with.

This doesn't worry me too much, what I don't like is the fact that if after that 5 years you say, well I want to give it a go in the civilian life after all, you're not going to have a good chance. So it's a contract for life, and chances are, you're not going to live into the retirement anyway.

[Pekka]

Sloww, you know it's one of them heart vs. logic things. Logic wins. Because at the end of the day, this fantasy will die, and I'm glad I didn't go and kill all the opportuntieis at once, because it felt like the thing to do.

If monks don't have sex, I won't join the FFL. Logically, it would be a very stupid thing to do. Can't go much more stupid than that. I guess what I'm after is a challenge that is comparable to that. But, if some day I won't be posting here, it's because I got hit by a truck, or I went.