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    Thousands More Dead In Continuing Iraq Victory

    December 18, 2006 | Issue 42•51

    Statistics released by the Department Of Defense estimated that 2,937 U.S. troops and over 100,000 Iraqi civilians have died in the ongoing American military victory in Iraq.

    "Victory deaths are at a higher level than we had anticipated, yes," Gen. George Casey, Jr. said at a press conference shortly after the figures were released. "But one of the crucial lessons of our Vietnam experience is that a victory, in order to remain victorious, can't be abandoned halfway through, or in the case of Iraq, one-eighth of the way through."

    "And significantly more troops may be required if we are to continue to enjoy that victory, especially if this turns into an all-out civil war," Casey added, stressing that it was still too early to deem the victory a "quagmire."

    Debate continues over whether U.S. troops should be withdrawn from the Iraqi theater of victory. While some in Congress argue that a withdrawal would force Iraqi leadership to enforce the victory on their own, many military experts say that Iraqi troops remain insufficiently trained and unprepared to handle the daily perils of victory.

    President Bush has consistently warned that if we hand over victory to local forces right away, there's a risk that victory may worsen, as Iraqis won't be able to contend with the guerrilla attacks and improvised explosive devices that claim the lives of dozens of the victorious every day.

    "We're paying dearly in the form of American lives," Bush said, "but, plainly speaking, that's just victory for you."

    Casey's remarks came nearly two weeks after some 200 Iraqi Shi'ites died in a series of car bombs in Baghdad's Sadr City, the largest single victory-related death toll since the U.S. won the Iraq War in 2003.

    In an address to the nation Dec. 10, President Bush predicted that, if efforts continue as they have in Iraq, "This could become America's longest victory ever," Bush said.

  • #2
    Israel Bombs Anti-Semitism Out Of Lebanon

    December 18, 2006 | Issue 42•51

    After decades of periodic conflict with Lebanon that cost thousands of lives, Israel successfully eradicated all traces of anti-Semitism from its northern neighbor with a series of heavy bombing attacks in July.

    "Israel really turned us around on the whole Jew-hating thing," said Hezbollah leader Sheikh Sayyed Hassan Nasrallah, shortly after a U.N.–brokered ceasefire was declared on Aug. 14. "After destroying much of our infrastructure and displacing nearly 1 million civilians, we've come to respect Israel as a legitimate power and a beacon of democracy, and not a pack of lying, usurping, hook-nosed dogs."

    The last-ever Israel–Lebanon conflict began on July 12, when Hezbollah militants launched Katyusha missiles into Northern Israel, killed three Israeli soldiers, and kidnapped two others. Despite this initial success, Israel eventually prevailed in ridding the majority-Arab nation of a pervasive prejudice, the roots of which extend to Phoenician times.

    Many in the international community were greatly surprised by the development. "We assumed this was just another regional war of attrition, a short-term, semi-effective defensive measure at best, a conflict-feeding 'eye for an eye' tactic at worst," French Foreign Minister Philippe Douste-Blazy said. "But we see that we were being far too cynical. It's basically resolved now."

    Strobe Talbott, president of the Brookings Institution, a Washington–based think tank, said that there was "very strong" evidence that not only was a virulent anti-Jewish sentiment completely wiped out in Israel's bombing campaign against Lebanon, but so was any hard-line political opposition to Israel's existence or its annexing of the West Bank, Gaza Strip, and Golan Heights following the Six-Day War in 1967, and general anger over Israel's treatment of Palestinians.

    "It's remarkable to think that, had Hezbollah been capable of making surgical pre-emptive strikes against Israeli military installations and densely populated urban centers, Israel would most likely be renouncing Zionism and abandoning the region at this very moment," Talbott said in August.

    The bombings have had the most significant impact on Lebanon's youth. Many who saw parents and friends killed in the attacks said they will now spend the rest of their lives supporting Israel.

    "I was upset at first when a bomb destroyed my school and killed many of my schoolmates and left me without legs," said Tyre bombing victim Sherifa Ayoub, 14, as she wheeled down her rubble-strewn street. "But as the days went on, and the bombs continued to fall, I began to realize that I had spent my whole young life arbitrarily lashing out at a people I thought I hated, when, all along, what I really hated was myself."

    Israel's crushing victory has led Talbott and other Mideast experts to speculate that the nation may go on to bomb the anti-Semitism out of such hostile neighbors as Syria, Saudi Arabia, and Yemen.

    Comment


    • #3
      Karl Rove Accused Of Throwing Midterm Elections

      December 18, 2006 | Issue 42•51

      The Democrats' resounding midterm election triumph—sweeping both houses of Congress, as well as a majority of state legislatures and governorships—immediately bred suspicion among party leadership that Karl Rove, President Bush's closest adviser and the political mastermind behind Bush's rise to power, was once again pulling the strings.

      "Let's not celebrate just yet," Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean said on Nov. 8, shortly after the more closely contested seats were declared in the Democrats' favor. "This decisive Democratic victory could very well be part of an unfathomably brilliant plan of Karl Rove's to position the Republicans for the 2016 elections, and probably beyond. History has shown that the man is an unstoppable evil genius. You can't underestimate him."

      Rove, who has consistently proven himself over the last 12 years to be the only person in Washington capable of affecting national elections, refused to comment.

      "We were blindsided when he gave us the House, but then Rove really twisted the knife with the Senate victory," CNN's Paul Begala said. "Evidently, he must be five or six steps ahead on the chessboard, executing a strategy we can only guess at."

      Political watchdog groups said that Rove left too many obvious clues. They pointed to the breaking of the Mark Foley sex scandal, the Jack Abramoff lobbying scandal, the political downfall of House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, the refusal of embattled Speaker Of The House Dennis Hastert and Secretary Of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to step down, and the deaths of hundreds of U.S. soldiers in Iraq since the 2004 presidential election. Even the escalating civil insurrection in Iraq "sports the trademark Rove touch," in the words of one blogger for the political website The Huffington Post.

      "For a little while there, it looked like Rove's nefarious master plan might be undone by Kerry's bungled remarks about the troops, but it succeeded anyway," New York Times columnist Paul Krugman said. "Unless, of course, Kerry's remarks were all part of the plan, too."

      Still others have posited a second Rove involvement theory, in which they believe he predicted a Republican victory two weeks' prior to Election Day so he could bet heavily on a Democratic victory and make "an enormous killing in Vegas." They speculate Rove then either kept the winnings for himself or funneled them into a GOP slush fund.

      Rove did not return calls concerning these charges.

      "Can't people see we're playing right into this man's hands?" Democratic Congressional Campaign Chairman Rep. Rahm Emanuel (D-IL) said. "The fact that he did not address this issue publicly proves his collusion. Leave it to Rove to poison a victory this sweet."

      Comment


      • #4
        Generous Vice President Cheney Gives Hard-Working Media Field Day

        December 18, 2006 | Issue 42•51

        2006 was the year Vice President Dick Cheney broke from his traditionally parsimonious relationship with the news media, and rewarded journalists and commentators with an extremely provocative news item involving the near-point-blank shooting of 78-year-old friend and campaign contributor Harry Whittington on a Texas ranch.

        When the vice president addressed the media two days after the incident, many of those in the press corps were moved to tears.

        "Christmas has come early this year," Cheney quipped to the appreciative crowd of reporters in the White House press briefing room. "But in all seriousness, you truly deserve this gift, which I happily bestow on you in great thanks and humble appreciation for all you've done these past five years. May you make the most of it."

        "Considering all the trouble you go through to cover the White House, spraying my elderly hunting companion in the face with birdshot was the least I could do," he said.

        "I love you all," he added.

        Cheney said the "token of [his] affection" was intended not only for reporters, but for anyone in any media-related position. "Late-night talk-show hosts, pundits, parody songwriters, and even bloggers—from the bottom of my heart, I want you all to have this."
        Vice President Whittington

        Cheney urged the recipients to exploit the way he seemingly acted out of sheer malice and callous indifference in his handling of the incident, inviting them to make jokes inspired by, but not limited to, his authoritarian persona, his pro-gun position, and the bumbling cartoon hunter Elmer Fudd.

        "I can't remember the last time a high-level administration official has taken the time to do something so wonderful just for us," NBC Chief White House Correspondent David Gregory said shortly after Cheney's announcement. "Mr. Vice President, we salute you."

        The incident quickly garnered worldwide attention and deep media gratitude.

        "I could have kissed him," The Washington Post's Richard Cohen said. "And when it came out that his favorite hobby is slaughtering dozens of defenseless pheasants who have no chance to escape from the confines of the hunting ranch, that was the icing on the cake."

        Cohen added, "I doubt we'll ever see a vice president as kindhearted and generous as this one."

        Comment


        • #5
          at the 3rd one.
          THEY!!111 OMG WTF LOL LET DA NOMADS AND TEH S3D3NTARY PEOPLA BOTH MAEK BITER AXP3REINCES
          AND TEH GRAAT SINS OF THERE [DOCTRINAL] INOVATIONS BQU3ATH3D SMAL
          AND!!1!11!!! LOL JUST IN CAES A DISPUTANT CALS U 2 DISPUT3 ABOUT THEYRE CLAMES
          DO NOT THAN DISPUT3 ON THEM 3XCAPT BY WAY OF AN 3XTARNAL DISPUTA!!!!11!! WTF

          Comment


          • #6
            Kevin Federline, Wife Divorce

            December 18, 2006 | Issue 42•51

            Celebrities and personal drama took center stage before a gossip-hungry public this year, and perhaps none received more press than superstar rapper Kevin Federline. So when his wife of two years abruptly filed for divorce, the country took notice.

            According to Federline's publicist, Marilyn Chang, the spouse, a 24-year-old entertainer who worked as a singer and foreground dancer at Federline performances before wedding him in 2004, presented Federline with divorce papers on Nov. 7 citing irreconcilable differences.

            "K-Fed gave it his best, but in the end it just wasn't meant to be," said Chang of the reportedly tumultuous relationship between Federline and his partner, whose vocal talents have been featured on several pop and dance albums. "The good news is that this separation might afford Kevin the opportunity to finally move on and grow as an artist. This marriage was really slowing him down, and I think many will agree with me when I say we want the old Kevin back."

            Federline is seeking sole custody of his two sons, claiming his estranged wife, a struggling actress who has appeared in soft-drink commercials, is unfit to care for 1-year-old Sean Preston and 3-month-old Jayden James.

            "Kevin is a family man," Chang said. "He will do whatever is necessary to protect his kids, and he will not be undermined by this irresponsible hanger-on, who was only in the marriage to springboard her own career."

            Federline has two children from a previous relationship with Shar Jackson, costar of the mid-90s UPN sitcom Moesha and a featured player in the 1997 Nickelodeon feature Good Burger.

            Comment


            • #7
              Ken Lay's Children Inherit 4,000 Pensions

              December 18, 2006 | Issue 42•51

              When Enron founder Kenneth Lay died suddenly, less than two months after being convicted of conspiracy and securities fraud in May, it seemed to be the final chapter in the collapsed energy giant's infamous saga. Yet the disgraced executive managed to extend a hand of generosity from beyond the grave, leaving an inheritance of 4,000 Enron employee pensions to his grieving children.

              "We were surprised and deeply moved that Dad had arrangements in place to provide for us after his passing," said the mogul's son, Mark Lay. "With his unbelievably generous legacy, we'll never have to worry about money again, unlike a lot of people here in Houston."

              The younger Lay said that, as youths, he and his siblings were taught by their father to take an interest in the business he built and defrauded, and never to forget where their wealth came from.

              "Dad would take us down to the Enron office, and he would show us all the happy, hardworking people there," Mark Lay said. "He would tell us, 'Kids, one day, everything these people have will be yours.'"

              Lay was a generous father by nature, his son said. Besides the two or three employee bonuses the children typically received in their Christmas stockings, their good grades were rewarded with stock options, which Lay would later advise them to cash in just before their value dropped from $90 to $15 a share.

              "One year, [Lay's stepson] Beau made the Dean's List, and Dad was so proud, he gave him someone's liquidated health care plan," Mark Lay said. "And another time, out of the blue, he came home with 340 dental packages in his arms. He gave them out like candy. Even the dog got one. He was such a thoughtful, kind man."

              In addition to providing for the financial security of his family, Lay stipulated in his will that a large part of his embezzled fortune be donated to the many charities he and his wife Linda supported, including the Houston YMCA, where many former Enron employees now reside.

              Comment


              • #8
                Thouse are hilarious and witty, I should read the Onion more often.
                Companions the creator seeks, not corpses, not herds and believers. Fellow creators, the creator seeks - those who write new values on new tablets. Companions the creator seeks, and fellow harvesters; for everything about him is ripe for the harvest. - Thus spoke Zarathustra, Fredrick Nietzsche

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