Joke Thread

[LordShiva]

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain, "Please doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some soothing balm on it."

MAN: "But you will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

DOCTOR: "No, you don't understand! I'll put some balm on the place you were stung."

MAN: "Oh! It happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree.

DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no, you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting."

MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts."

DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): "Which one?"

MAN (innocently): "How should I know? All bees look the same to me."

[Japher]

that's not a joke

[Eli]

Meh.

[LordShiva]

Bleh, you guys suck

A man has two tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.

"No", he says. "The seat is empty".

"This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup final, the biggest sporting event, and not use it?"

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married".

"Oh.....I'm sorry to hear that, that's terrible, but couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral".

[Lorizael]

Not really a joke, no, but it reminds me of a little routine my father used to do with me and my brothers when we were younger. If we were driving and happened to drive by a farm with cows on it, my dad would go...

DAD: Look, son, a bunch of cows.

SON: Not bunch, herd.

DAD: Heard of what?

SON: Herd of cows.

DAD: Well of course I've heard of cows.

SON: No, stupid, a cow herd!

DAD: So what if a cow heard, I didn't say anything wrong!

This works better when heard, of course. Also, I'm sure my father got this from somewhere else, but I have on idea where.

[LordShiva]

Then there's this old favourite:

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

[Spaced Cowboy]

This is probably old but.

A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde woman.

Policeman: "I need to see your license."

Woman: "Okay." Starting looking in her purse. After looking for a bit. "What does it look like?"

Policeman: "It is small and square and has your picture on it."

Woman: Finds a small square cosmetic mirror. Holds it up. "Oh, this must be it." Hand it to the officer.

Policeman: Takes the mirror and looks at it. "I'm sorry ma'am, I had no idea that you were and officer, you may go."

__________________________________________________ _____

A truckdriver runs over a woman, who's fault was it?

Duh, the truckdriver...I mean what was he doing driving through a kitchen.

[lord of the mark]

Originally posted by LordShiva
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Obligatory offtopic segue.


"Red Chinese Restaurant
Cuisine Chinese
Hours Daily 1pm-midnight
Address 326 Dizengof
Location North by the Yarkon River

Reservations Reservations recommended evenings
Phone 03/546-6347
Prices Main courses NIS 35-80 ($7.70-$17.50)
Credit Cards AE, DC, MC, V


Frommer's Review
With the exception of the world-class Yin Yang in South Tel Aviv, this is the best Chinese restaurant in town and has thrived for years in one of the city's most sophisticated, affluent neighborhoods. It's a bit more affordable than Ying Yang, with the kind of menu familiar to those who frequent Chinese restaurants in England or America. Not kosher, it offers shrimp and calamari dishes as well as a wide range of duck, fish, pork, chicken, and vegetarian choices. There is also a small Thai-style menu. Wine and beer are served."

And yeah, the name could be offensive

[dannubis]

Joke is the name of the girl I want to be with the rest of my life...

[alva]

# Joke, stop toch met koken.
Kom uit de keuken, mijn lieve Joke.
Stop toch met koken, kom uit de keuken.
Want ik wil gezellig samen met je neu:
tronenbommenstickers op m'n nieuwe tas gaan plakken. #

[dannubis]

Sure thing !!!




Joke Joke haal het spinrag uit je haren
Joke Joke trek je witte jurkje ...

[Ecthy]

[Heresson]

In an ambulance: "Doc, where're we going?" / "To the morgue."/ "But I haven't died yet!"/ "Neither have we arrived."

[rah]

Quick Check for Alzheimer's
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by
the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see
if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person
over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is person cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.






Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top

[Kontiki]

Something to offend everyone:

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan


What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag


Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.


What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?


Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any


What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.


What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.


What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs


What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes


What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.


Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you


What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.


Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.


What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the ****** on the outside.


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.


Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.


Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."


Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.


What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.


What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".


How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!


What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s....t"


Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides