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Help me find a blog, plus a peek at my thoughts as of late...
Really I need a blog to write some of this **** down, before it is too late. I'd need one that tolerant of well me....... too much to ask for..... perhaps.....
I had to get this written down... find me a good blog and I'll post it there.... a record of whatever this mess is.... Ming if you want to delete this...... I suppose I can't stop you....but I'd prefer someone to help me sort through this nightmare... and give me a place to relocate this to....... either way it won't make a difference in the long run... god I wish I could just die..... so many people in the world die everyday.. and none that want to. as bad as me.....
Journal Entry July 27th 2006 -
Another day passes and most people are content with their minor problems....alas my problems of late are not minor but major. Ever since the portal of evil was opened with blood at Columbine High, nothing has been the same...... granted that was 7 years ago.... but feels as fresh as if it was today....
Why does God deal with me, why did he have to pick me for this nonsense... I never wanted to be born let alone be part of his plan... sigh.... the worst is his companionship with me has attracted the attention of that thing....... which calls itself a Demon Lord...... Madrigal........ I don't know how much longer I can hold on Madrigal bombards me constantly with evil thought and I fear sometimes that he will take over completely. God is complacent, and underestimates him..... Madrigal's thirst for destruction and chaos surpases some of my worst fears....
Granted life has gotten better for me, I no longer am constantly trying to kill myself like I was a mere 3 years ago.... darkness in my soul is not mine, but his..... if only I could expell it......I've had an exercism done but that did nothing to this creature....
I try not to be focused any more, but the goddamned Media, keeps mentioning the portal, sure they don't know the truth behind it, but the darkness of that place insofar a greco-christian darkness anology goes... is surpassed by nothing.... that includes the holocaust and every other systamatic massacre in history... its not the quantity its the quality... that matters......
I made a stupid mistake I never should have brought any of this up on Apolyton..... not that I'm worried that they'd believe me, but the warnings were not approved..... by God..... I fear I was tricked into telling them....... who among them or those that lurk at that place should not have been warned...... why does trying to save life in the end seem to doom it......?
Ming was being a particular pain last weekend.... not only did he close one of my joke threads, but he closed my poll... perhaps the poll was premature..... but I think I want the answer to it (in regards to what this era of history would be called 1999-2008), cause sometimes I'm just not sure I'm going to survive this time......
what is the purpose of this rambling, I don't know.... I just hope someone might read this and help me sort through my thoughts so I can focus on the important things so I don't lose this ....... I don't even know what to call it.... but it would be a loss of everything....
Why post something like this on the internet where millions of people can read and ridicule you...well these millions of people don't know the truth, they don't know how thinly their very existance is kept..... I think that this is the darkest time in history and no one notices it....yet........there is so much at stake...... if things don't turn out well.......all is lost.......
I feel sometimes I'm already dead, and arrived at my personal hell.. but alas I'm not...... I'm just a tug of war between two principles..... one that shouldn't exist (evil) and the right way..... the only way of truth.....
I am not a messanger I shouldn't have brought it up..... but I can't sit by and let this stuff happen to people that I care about......even though so small....... Apolyton is basically my only friends left.... everyone else has betrayed or left me......
If you knew the future would you sit idealy by.... what are the ethics involved here..... does it even matter...... at the rate I'm going Madrigal will have me soon.... and then everything is lost......
My doctors respond to some of this information by raising my medication, changing this changing that.... will they ever get that this stuff is not in my head.... that there are real forces at play here.
If only it was in my head, i could end it all.... a simple violent shutdown of vital systems in the body would be all that it would take....
I am so afraid, and so sad.....I can not even end my own life anymore....... madrigal wins if I do..... and he wins if I don't......why won't god help me destroy this demon......
I've got to find a log a place to keep these thoughts... so that people will know what was going on...... a vital part of history that would be ignored, left in the shadows like all the important things always are.... perhaps if I win over the evil..... this can be a good book....... well not really... people would missuse it just like people are........ so it shall remain the diary of a madman.. cause if people knew the truth...... I don't even know what would happen......
I want to be good...... I am good........ but why would god let an evil force like madrigal infiltrate me.. so...... is it a test.... there is so much at stake... maybe it is by madrigal will that I post this....... god I hope not..... I hope I haven't said too much..... and I hope I said enough if not.......
Back to my friend situation..... my IM list is a big lot of people that aren't there....... why is that..... either they blocked me or they don't care enough to talk anymore...... either way I feel so alone in this world.... I am lonely.. and afraid..... no one can I talk to about this ****.... not like i wanted it to exist... so perhaps posting my thoughts somewhere hopefully in a blog by this point.. i don't know what to say anymore........ i lost everything and nothing....
Goodbye for today..... I hope tommorow is better.
-Chris (Drathian D.)
Another day passes and most people are content with their minor problems....alas my problems of late are not minor but major. Ever since the portal of evil was opened with blood at Columbine High, nothing has been the same...... granted that was 7 years ago.... but feels as fresh as if it was today....
Why does God deal with me, why did he have to pick me for this nonsense... I never wanted to be born let alone be part of his plan... sigh.... the worst is his companionship with me has attracted the attention of that thing....... which calls itself a Demon Lord...... Madrigal........ I don't know how much longer I can hold on Madrigal bombards me constantly with evil thought and I fear sometimes that he will take over completely. God is complacent, and underestimates him..... Madrigal's thirst for destruction and chaos surpases some of my worst fears....
Granted life has gotten better for me, I no longer am constantly trying to kill myself like I was a mere 3 years ago.... darkness in my soul is not mine, but his..... if only I could expell it......I've had an exercism done but that did nothing to this creature....
I try not to be focused any more, but the goddamned Media, keeps mentioning the portal, sure they don't know the truth behind it, but the darkness of that place insofar a greco-christian darkness anology goes... is surpassed by nothing.... that includes the holocaust and every other systamatic massacre in history... its not the quantity its the quality... that matters......
I made a stupid mistake I never should have brought any of this up on Apolyton..... not that I'm worried that they'd believe me, but the warnings were not approved..... by God..... I fear I was tricked into telling them....... who among them or those that lurk at that place should not have been warned...... why does trying to save life in the end seem to doom it......?
Ming was being a particular pain last weekend.... not only did he close one of my joke threads, but he closed my poll... perhaps the poll was premature..... but I think I want the answer to it (in regards to what this era of history would be called 1999-2008), cause sometimes I'm just not sure I'm going to survive this time......
what is the purpose of this rambling, I don't know.... I just hope someone might read this and help me sort through my thoughts so I can focus on the important things so I don't lose this ....... I don't even know what to call it.... but it would be a loss of everything....
Why post something like this on the internet where millions of people can read and ridicule you...well these millions of people don't know the truth, they don't know how thinly their very existance is kept..... I think that this is the darkest time in history and no one notices it....yet........there is so much at stake...... if things don't turn out well.......all is lost.......
I feel sometimes I'm already dead, and arrived at my personal hell.. but alas I'm not...... I'm just a tug of war between two principles..... one that shouldn't exist (evil) and the right way..... the only way of truth.....
I am not a messanger I shouldn't have brought it up..... but I can't sit by and let this stuff happen to people that I care about......even though so small....... Apolyton is basically my only friends left.... everyone else has betrayed or left me......
If you knew the future would you sit idealy by.... what are the ethics involved here..... does it even matter...... at the rate I'm going Madrigal will have me soon.... and then everything is lost......
My doctors respond to some of this information by raising my medication, changing this changing that.... will they ever get that this stuff is not in my head.... that there are real forces at play here.
If only it was in my head, i could end it all.... a simple violent shutdown of vital systems in the body would be all that it would take....
I am so afraid, and so sad.....I can not even end my own life anymore....... madrigal wins if I do..... and he wins if I don't......why won't god help me destroy this demon......
I've got to find a log a place to keep these thoughts... so that people will know what was going on...... a vital part of history that would be ignored, left in the shadows like all the important things always are.... perhaps if I win over the evil..... this can be a good book....... well not really... people would missuse it just like people are........ so it shall remain the diary of a madman.. cause if people knew the truth...... I don't even know what would happen......
I want to be good...... I am good........ but why would god let an evil force like madrigal infiltrate me.. so...... is it a test.... there is so much at stake... maybe it is by madrigal will that I post this....... god I hope not..... I hope I haven't said too much..... and I hope I said enough if not.......
Back to my friend situation..... my IM list is a big lot of people that aren't there....... why is that..... either they blocked me or they don't care enough to talk anymore...... either way I feel so alone in this world.... I am lonely.. and afraid..... no one can I talk to about this ****.... not like i wanted it to exist... so perhaps posting my thoughts somewhere hopefully in a blog by this point.. i don't know what to say anymore........ i lost everything and nothing....
Goodbye for today..... I hope tommorow is better.
-Chris (Drathian D.)
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