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I have been giving this issue some thought and have been unable to arrive at a satisfactory answer. Perhaps the brilliant and laterally thinking minds here might be able to answer it.
The question has to do with psychological interactions between persons... Relating to some things that have been troubling me for quite a while.
If you don't want to read the whole mess, I have it divided into 4 sections that are numbered.
Here's the table of contents:
1.) Talking with Someone... Who feels embarassed by the thing that's brought up.
2.) How to deal with someone who Hates people just because of a few character attributes... When you want to see both sides of an issue.
3.) Politically Correct Humor
4.) "Rich" person rules versus "Poor" person rules
---
1.)Talking with Someone... Who feels embarassed by the thing that's brought up.
Now, my beginning assertion (which could be wrong) and how I live my life is generally that most things that people say and do are good unless they are said/done with the intention of being mean.
(In short, it seems that even things meant to be compliments can very easily be taken as insults if the person feels embarrassed by what they own or what they've done.
The one initiating the conversation might not have an opinion either way about the thing, but when the responder keeps speaking negatively about their car, for example- "Yeah, it's a piece of junk"... you can't help but respond either "I'm sorry..." or "maybe you'll be able to afford a better one soon?" and both of them can be taken in a negative light by the person complaining.
...so, how can one ensure that regular conversation or compliments are not taken as insults?)
Here's one example:
If I were talking to someone about his car at work and found out that he drove a truck, wouldn't it be polite to ask him, perhaps it's make and model. Then, if he answered that it was a 1971 Dodge or something of the sort- what would the correct response be?
I could respond- "It's great that you're able to keep the car running for so long!"
He could either take that as a compliment or as an insult if he perhaps can't afford any better car?
I could also respond "So how many miles did you put on that thing? Taken it on a lot of trips?"
Then he might think that I'm insulting him since the car wouldn't be running if he had traveled a lot- and he might feel upset that he was perhaps too poor to travel much.
I might also ask if there's been any car work been done on it... just so that I could maybe follow up with "wow! I didn't know that dodge's were made so sturdy."
But this has the possible consequence of being an inane comment and also of insulting the guy.
Or I could say nothing... but what good would that do for the conversation? We wouldn't learn more about each other, and we wouldn't have anything to talk about.
What would you suggest?
--
That example merely illustrates something that I worry about.
Exactly how does someone who's being polite or just wants to discuss something relate to other people if others are merely going to "take" what that first person says in the wrong way?
Is there any way to overcome this block and perhaps "win friends and influence people?"
---
2.) How to deal with someone who Hates people just because of a few character attributes... When you want to see both sides of an issue.
I also wonder about this:
Someone I know really hates people. That is, this person hates some people, but this person [X] doesn't let them know it. Instead X merely acts as though nothing's wrong when X is around them. Behind their backs though, X is badmouthing them and stating how Y and Z made X feel bad and how they're real jerks because they laughed at X once.
Now, Y and Z have no idea that X dislikes them. They merely laughed because they thought that something was funny. X could have very easily shrugged off their response to a comment that someone else made and just ignored them- however X doesn't do that. X takes things personally.
X also hates certain politicians- for example, the President of the US. X will badmouth him and when confronted with an accomplishment, won't acknowledge it but will merely sigh a "meh" and dismiss the situation- even if X actually agrees with the accomplishment... In short X isn't the sort of person to have a political discussion with, X just makes X's views known and doesn't like it when contradicted.
Well- myself, I usually look on the bright side of people. My philosophy is usually to expect the worst, but to hope for the best. With luck, I'm never disappointed and I can really rejoice when someone goes above and beyond my expectations... and when someone screws me over, well then, I'm upset for a minute, then I fix the problem and shrug- not thinking much less of them as a person for it since people make mistakes. I'll still try to look for the good attributes of that person, and will compliment them if they deserve a compliment and if challenged, I will defend their character.
However, in doing this, I somehow upset X? X will state how much P is hated, and then I'll say, "well, yes, P did act wrongly here- but P's really a great guy because of the following reasons..." Then X will just get annoyed.
The same goes for politicians. I don't disagree with X on everything, and I don't agree with X on everything either, but I'll point out the good when X starts saying "Bush is the Devil, etc." and just try to temper it- ask X to see things both ways. Now I don't particularly agree with everything the American President does, but I try to figure out if anyone else could have done anything better. So I'll jot up accomplishments and I'll jot up failures.
But my question here is - exactly how can you deal with someone like X without making them feel bad if you really think that it's important to not hate someone just because they did one or two bad things?
Is my assertion that "I really find it hard to hate anyone" a flawed one?
Should I try to be politically correct and just pick a side, or just not try to defend people who may have made a mistake in their relations with X, but really aren't bad people- in fact, they're just "people" (we all make mistakes...)?
What's really the best solution here?
---
3.) Speaking of politically correct, now we come to humor.
Y is, shall we say a bleeding heart liberal. Y gets upset when anyone brings up any "racial" "ethnic" etc. humor.
I will always laugh at good humor that isn't meant in a mean spirit. I look for the meaning behind the joke more than anything else. If something is just an insult or a clear lie, then I won't laugh. But I would laugh at something like this-->
"So why did the KKK Member take up singing Rap?
Because he got to call black people $****%$."
Why would I laugh at that? Well, it's not an ethnic joke- on one level, it's making fun of Rap's profanity. On another, it's criticising rap for perpetuating name calling. On a third level, it's making fun of people who give "power" to words by making them sacred and insulting. If that word wasn't taken as an insult, no one would really care. It would just be another word- meaning little. Instead, it has been given the power to be an insult.
Y would never laugh at something like that. Y would consider it "racist"
I'm not certain exactly what I'm asking you for help here-
I might be asking:
1.) How can a person communicate that he's not being a jackass when he laughs at a joke like that?
I'd rather not worry about seemign like a racist, but I don't see why I HAVE to worry about that. Why do people have to take offense at everything?
2.) Should everyone just be Politically Correct and afraid of offending everyone else because Someone "might take offense" to something? Why should we live in fear? I understand that we should all be polite, and that yes, some jokes are intended to be mean but some things- like stereotypes exist because there's a grain of truth there and that makes them amusing. The trick is, however, not going out and being a jackass to someone who happens to belong to the stereotyped group- and believe me we are ALL members of a stereotyped group. As long as people think that person A is different from person B, they'll come to certain assumptiosn about him. Ex: All Irishmen are drunkards, all greeks are gay, all germans are drunkards, all Italians are quarrelling mobsters, etc.
3.) what could someone say to Y to make Y change their mind and understand someone who thinks like me? Or is the way that I think just fatally flawed and wrong?
----
4.) "Rich" person rules versus "Poor" person rules
Say that there are expensive cars parked on the street about two feet off from the curb. Y might start complaining about how rich people don't take the time to care to park their cars. The odd thing is that Y probably would defend anyone who parks a beat up old 1980s Geo by saying that "she's probably a single mother who had too much on her mind to park it correctly."
I would think, however, either nothing at all- or I would say "Well, they probably had a good reason for parking like that, or they're just poor drivers." and then shrug. It doesn't really bother to me. If I thought they were endangering anyone I might go tell a cop, and feel sorry that they were going to be written up- even though they deserved it- but figure that their reasons for poor parking are their own- why should I worry about them. Why should I hate someone just because of what might even be a one-time thing.
But how do you deal with someone who thinks like Y?
And is how Y thinks similiar to how most people think?
And is Y right and I'm wrong?
---
I apologize if this post seems like a "pat me on the back for a job well done" request. In a way it sort of is, since I think I did the right thing in some cases.
In a way though, it isn't- because I don't have all the answers and I'm asking a few questions... and also, I worry that I might be wrong, since I know far too many people who think like X and Y- and since I seem to think different from them... that just really bothers me.
Thank You.
-DC.
The question has to do with psychological interactions between persons... Relating to some things that have been troubling me for quite a while.
If you don't want to read the whole mess, I have it divided into 4 sections that are numbered.
Here's the table of contents:
1.) Talking with Someone... Who feels embarassed by the thing that's brought up.
2.) How to deal with someone who Hates people just because of a few character attributes... When you want to see both sides of an issue.
3.) Politically Correct Humor
4.) "Rich" person rules versus "Poor" person rules
---
1.)Talking with Someone... Who feels embarassed by the thing that's brought up.
Now, my beginning assertion (which could be wrong) and how I live my life is generally that most things that people say and do are good unless they are said/done with the intention of being mean.
(In short, it seems that even things meant to be compliments can very easily be taken as insults if the person feels embarrassed by what they own or what they've done.
The one initiating the conversation might not have an opinion either way about the thing, but when the responder keeps speaking negatively about their car, for example- "Yeah, it's a piece of junk"... you can't help but respond either "I'm sorry..." or "maybe you'll be able to afford a better one soon?" and both of them can be taken in a negative light by the person complaining.
...so, how can one ensure that regular conversation or compliments are not taken as insults?)
Here's one example:
If I were talking to someone about his car at work and found out that he drove a truck, wouldn't it be polite to ask him, perhaps it's make and model. Then, if he answered that it was a 1971 Dodge or something of the sort- what would the correct response be?
I could respond- "It's great that you're able to keep the car running for so long!"
He could either take that as a compliment or as an insult if he perhaps can't afford any better car?
I could also respond "So how many miles did you put on that thing? Taken it on a lot of trips?"
Then he might think that I'm insulting him since the car wouldn't be running if he had traveled a lot- and he might feel upset that he was perhaps too poor to travel much.
I might also ask if there's been any car work been done on it... just so that I could maybe follow up with "wow! I didn't know that dodge's were made so sturdy."
But this has the possible consequence of being an inane comment and also of insulting the guy.
Or I could say nothing... but what good would that do for the conversation? We wouldn't learn more about each other, and we wouldn't have anything to talk about.
What would you suggest?
--
That example merely illustrates something that I worry about.
Exactly how does someone who's being polite or just wants to discuss something relate to other people if others are merely going to "take" what that first person says in the wrong way?
Is there any way to overcome this block and perhaps "win friends and influence people?"
---
2.) How to deal with someone who Hates people just because of a few character attributes... When you want to see both sides of an issue.
I also wonder about this:
Someone I know really hates people. That is, this person hates some people, but this person [X] doesn't let them know it. Instead X merely acts as though nothing's wrong when X is around them. Behind their backs though, X is badmouthing them and stating how Y and Z made X feel bad and how they're real jerks because they laughed at X once.
Now, Y and Z have no idea that X dislikes them. They merely laughed because they thought that something was funny. X could have very easily shrugged off their response to a comment that someone else made and just ignored them- however X doesn't do that. X takes things personally.
X also hates certain politicians- for example, the President of the US. X will badmouth him and when confronted with an accomplishment, won't acknowledge it but will merely sigh a "meh" and dismiss the situation- even if X actually agrees with the accomplishment... In short X isn't the sort of person to have a political discussion with, X just makes X's views known and doesn't like it when contradicted.
Well- myself, I usually look on the bright side of people. My philosophy is usually to expect the worst, but to hope for the best. With luck, I'm never disappointed and I can really rejoice when someone goes above and beyond my expectations... and when someone screws me over, well then, I'm upset for a minute, then I fix the problem and shrug- not thinking much less of them as a person for it since people make mistakes. I'll still try to look for the good attributes of that person, and will compliment them if they deserve a compliment and if challenged, I will defend their character.
However, in doing this, I somehow upset X? X will state how much P is hated, and then I'll say, "well, yes, P did act wrongly here- but P's really a great guy because of the following reasons..." Then X will just get annoyed.
The same goes for politicians. I don't disagree with X on everything, and I don't agree with X on everything either, but I'll point out the good when X starts saying "Bush is the Devil, etc." and just try to temper it- ask X to see things both ways. Now I don't particularly agree with everything the American President does, but I try to figure out if anyone else could have done anything better. So I'll jot up accomplishments and I'll jot up failures.
But my question here is - exactly how can you deal with someone like X without making them feel bad if you really think that it's important to not hate someone just because they did one or two bad things?
Is my assertion that "I really find it hard to hate anyone" a flawed one?
Should I try to be politically correct and just pick a side, or just not try to defend people who may have made a mistake in their relations with X, but really aren't bad people- in fact, they're just "people" (we all make mistakes...)?
What's really the best solution here?
---
3.) Speaking of politically correct, now we come to humor.
Y is, shall we say a bleeding heart liberal. Y gets upset when anyone brings up any "racial" "ethnic" etc. humor.
I will always laugh at good humor that isn't meant in a mean spirit. I look for the meaning behind the joke more than anything else. If something is just an insult or a clear lie, then I won't laugh. But I would laugh at something like this-->
"So why did the KKK Member take up singing Rap?
Because he got to call black people $****%$."
Why would I laugh at that? Well, it's not an ethnic joke- on one level, it's making fun of Rap's profanity. On another, it's criticising rap for perpetuating name calling. On a third level, it's making fun of people who give "power" to words by making them sacred and insulting. If that word wasn't taken as an insult, no one would really care. It would just be another word- meaning little. Instead, it has been given the power to be an insult.
Y would never laugh at something like that. Y would consider it "racist"
I'm not certain exactly what I'm asking you for help here-
I might be asking:
1.) How can a person communicate that he's not being a jackass when he laughs at a joke like that?
I'd rather not worry about seemign like a racist, but I don't see why I HAVE to worry about that. Why do people have to take offense at everything?
2.) Should everyone just be Politically Correct and afraid of offending everyone else because Someone "might take offense" to something? Why should we live in fear? I understand that we should all be polite, and that yes, some jokes are intended to be mean but some things- like stereotypes exist because there's a grain of truth there and that makes them amusing. The trick is, however, not going out and being a jackass to someone who happens to belong to the stereotyped group- and believe me we are ALL members of a stereotyped group. As long as people think that person A is different from person B, they'll come to certain assumptiosn about him. Ex: All Irishmen are drunkards, all greeks are gay, all germans are drunkards, all Italians are quarrelling mobsters, etc.
3.) what could someone say to Y to make Y change their mind and understand someone who thinks like me? Or is the way that I think just fatally flawed and wrong?
----
4.) "Rich" person rules versus "Poor" person rules
Say that there are expensive cars parked on the street about two feet off from the curb. Y might start complaining about how rich people don't take the time to care to park their cars. The odd thing is that Y probably would defend anyone who parks a beat up old 1980s Geo by saying that "she's probably a single mother who had too much on her mind to park it correctly."
I would think, however, either nothing at all- or I would say "Well, they probably had a good reason for parking like that, or they're just poor drivers." and then shrug. It doesn't really bother to me. If I thought they were endangering anyone I might go tell a cop, and feel sorry that they were going to be written up- even though they deserved it- but figure that their reasons for poor parking are their own- why should I worry about them. Why should I hate someone just because of what might even be a one-time thing.
But how do you deal with someone who thinks like Y?
And is how Y thinks similiar to how most people think?
And is Y right and I'm wrong?
---
I apologize if this post seems like a "pat me on the back for a job well done" request. In a way it sort of is, since I think I did the right thing in some cases.
In a way though, it isn't- because I don't have all the answers and I'm asking a few questions... and also, I worry that I might be wrong, since I know far too many people who think like X and Y- and since I seem to think different from them... that just really bothers me.
Thank You.
-DC.
I think you're right, but that really upsets me. If that's the wrong way to view the world- then why do people act that way?
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