Has to be the aftershock

[Spec]

I'm tired...I mean physically and mentally. Tired of my situation. Tired of looking around. Tired of my life the way it is right now. I'll probably change my mind tomorrow or the next day, but right now, I'm tired. I hope I don’t change my mind...My life style is taking a toll on my body, both physically and mentally. When I wake up, I feel unstable, I know what I want but I only realise it in the morning, after a long night of debauchery.

I want a life the way I had it before, calm, not partying every weekend from Thursday to Sunday, and have a girlfriend that I love and that I know is waiting for me when I'm away. I want to cuddle up on the sofa with her and watch a good movie, go to bed early and wake up with her the following morning and stay lazy under the covers with her till noon...I want to go shopping with her, take walks, go to a restaurant, all the good stuff...I want a normal life.

Where is she, It seems that only a girl makes me happy...I cant be happy without a girlfriend...Even if I have everything I need, I am not happy with my life...I have been a bachelor for 6 months now, and I feel empty. I know why I go out like I do, its because I'm looking for her...So its like a vicious circle, I'm tired of going out all the time, but I'm also tired of being alone...If I don’t go out, I'm alone and I feel like I’ll never find her and when I don’t feel like going out, I still do because I tell myself that it just might be THE night, I cant miss that chance. And if I go out, I go out and wake up like I did this morning...I feel weak, I know I'm not, but that's how I feel, and I hate it.
I’m usually very outgoing, with a lot of ambition and goals…seems like I’m losing all of that right now. Imagine that, I’m even neglecting my cars…I’m afraid it will only come back when I find her. What the hell is going on with me?

I wish I could say well the hell it, I'm good like I am right now, but I cant...I almost feel like I'm ''dependant affectif''. Spiffor will be able to help me translate that... I need a picker upper, and not a temporary one if you know what I’m talking about…



Spec.

[MRT144]

goddamnit spec, stop posting my journals online.

[Spec]

It's so annoying feeling this way that I'm on the verge of settling with a cute girl I dont really like. Just to be with someone, that's how bad it is...I'll probably feel better, convincing myself that someday my love for her would grow...But would it really, and if it would, it would be like fake love, just to feel good again, or...hmmmm...complete again.
Hell, it wouldn't even be fair to her even though I just know she wants to be with me. It wouldn't be for the right reasons...

I'm tired of feeling this way, the only times I'm happy is while I'm partying or with a girl...If it wern't for my friends and family, and my chronic allergy to suicide ideas, a bridge would sound pretty nice right now...But I'm not that stupid, it's just how ****ty I feel right now.

Spec.

[Starchild]

Yep, I sympathise completely. I was/am going through similar things following being dumped before Christmas.

Though I've got the added benefit that he was a really good friend before we went out, I did some mean/stupid things when we broke up and all his friends are my friends. So the social group has taken strain as well.

The thing I miss the most isn't the sex or anything like that. It's cooking for him on Friday nights and spending a lazy evening watching TV. Or just meeting for coffee during the week for only like an hour or so. The small things.

[MRT144]

Originally posted by Spec
It's so annoying feeling this way that I'm on the verge of settling with a cute girl I dont really like. Just to be with someone, that's how bad it is...I'll probably feel better, convincing myself that someday my love for her would grow...But would it really, and if it would, it would be like fake love, just to feel good again, or...hmmmm...complete again.
Hell, it wouldn't even be fair to her even though I just know she wants to be with me. It wouldn't be for the right reasons...

I'm tired of feeling this way, the only times I'm happy is while I'm partying or with a girl...If it wern't for my friends and family, and my chronic allergy to suicide ideas, a bridge would sound pretty nice right now...But I'm not that stupid, it's just how ****ty I feel right now.

Spec.

seriously spec, get out of my mind. well except for the whole suicide thing. i just kinda got out of that situation but the girl was beat, both looks and emotionally.