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SAN FRANCISCO
Not your mama's 'birds and bees'
The zoo's X-rated animal sex tour is graphic, kinky
Patricia Yollin, Chronicle Staff Writer
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
It was time for the annual Valentine's Day sex tour at the San Francisco Zoo, but none of the permanent residents got the memo. As human voyeurs learned about the torrid world of amorous beasts, most of the animals barely glanced at each other.
"The wind seems to unnerve them," said Jane Tollini, inventor of the tour that has been copied by zoos throughout North America. "And they had a busy weekend."
They did indeed. Tollini, former penguin keeper at the zoo, led excursions Saturday and Sunday and will do the same this weekend. She came up with the idea 17 years ago.
"I like to watch," Tollini said.
Even though there wasn't much to see on Tuesday, there was plenty to hear about.
"This is the most tacky, tasteless, smutty, down-in-the-gutter tour ever created," Tollini told the 80 or so adults who piled onto two trams and devoted three hours to tales of fornicating felines and hermaphrodite ostriches.
"Animals do everything we do, but they do it a little differently," said Tollini, draped in a pink boa with pink hearts. "The only thing I couldn't find was cross-dressing."
Tollini spent 24 years in the zoo before retiring last year. She's seen bondage, polygamy, group sex, homosexuality, sex with inanimate objects and pedophilia.
Starting off with penises, Tollini moved on to vaginas, including ones "so large you could lose your family and your SUV in them," and to cloacas, those "multipurpose holes" useful for urination, defecation, egg-laying and sex.
Tollini said that cassowaries are the most dangerous animals at the zoo but have "fabulous" sex. The crowd had to take it on faith -- its resident birds, Slash and Hazard, were keeping a low profile.
The black rhinos were similarly uninclined.
"Rhino sex is always violent. It looks like two Jeeps having an argument," she said. "Once copulation begins, they're locked together for well over an hour."
Male rhino Gene has started to favor logs over the aging Miss Elly.
"He takes that big unit out and humps those logs," Tollini said. "But if you get a splinter in there, you'll find out who your friends are."
Former zoo resident Tinkerbelle the elephant had a penchant for 18-wheeler truck tires, and a zebra in the African Savanna is infatuated with Samson the giraffe. Cobby the chimp, meanwhile, is fond of keepers' rubber boots.
"It's his special fetish," Tollini said. "He'll put his finger out and touch the shoe. ... Then he'll play with his nipples, eat bananas and masturbate."
The tram stopped to see Tunya, a lion who can have sex 50 times within 24 hours, in 30-second bouts.
"That's why he's called king of the jungle," Tollini said.
When the tram visited Penguin Island, it seemed particularly timely. The seabirds' month of foreplay usually begins on Valentine's Day.
To share in the thrill of parenthood, Tollini said, male and female same-sex couples were given eggs to foster.
"The gay penguins had the most well-appointed burrows," Tollini recalled. "There were even peacock feathers."
She said tapirs are among the zoo's most well-endowed residents. One who answered to Jack once injured himself by stepping on his member.
"We soaked it in a tub of betadine for a couple of weeks," Tollini said. "It turned purple, then black, then it atrophied. Then it fell off, and he ate it."
When the tourgoers got off the tram and went into the Education Building, they met other creatures. They learned that hedgehogs have incredible libidos, that female porcupines have "Southern girl charm" by necessity -- they're in season only four hours a year -- and that girl opossums have double wombs.
"She can get pregnant when she is pregnant," Tollini said. "It's every woman's nightmare."
Neil Larson of Berkeley took the tour eight years ago and returned with his fiancee, Judi Cole, for Valentine's Day.
"It's an eye-opener," he said. "I could do this every year."
Even Tollini can't remember everything in the tour. On Tuesday morning, she lost her notes about alligator sex and searched for the term on the Internet. Instead, she found "Sex with an Alligator," a drink that mixes Jägermeister with raspberry and melon liqueurs.
"Now I've learned how to make this cocktail," Tollini said.
Not your mama's 'birds and bees'
The zoo's X-rated animal sex tour is graphic, kinky
Patricia Yollin, Chronicle Staff Writer
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
It was time for the annual Valentine's Day sex tour at the San Francisco Zoo, but none of the permanent residents got the memo. As human voyeurs learned about the torrid world of amorous beasts, most of the animals barely glanced at each other.
"The wind seems to unnerve them," said Jane Tollini, inventor of the tour that has been copied by zoos throughout North America. "And they had a busy weekend."
They did indeed. Tollini, former penguin keeper at the zoo, led excursions Saturday and Sunday and will do the same this weekend. She came up with the idea 17 years ago.
"I like to watch," Tollini said.
Even though there wasn't much to see on Tuesday, there was plenty to hear about.
"This is the most tacky, tasteless, smutty, down-in-the-gutter tour ever created," Tollini told the 80 or so adults who piled onto two trams and devoted three hours to tales of fornicating felines and hermaphrodite ostriches.
"Animals do everything we do, but they do it a little differently," said Tollini, draped in a pink boa with pink hearts. "The only thing I couldn't find was cross-dressing."
Tollini spent 24 years in the zoo before retiring last year. She's seen bondage, polygamy, group sex, homosexuality, sex with inanimate objects and pedophilia.
Starting off with penises, Tollini moved on to vaginas, including ones "so large you could lose your family and your SUV in them," and to cloacas, those "multipurpose holes" useful for urination, defecation, egg-laying and sex.
Tollini said that cassowaries are the most dangerous animals at the zoo but have "fabulous" sex. The crowd had to take it on faith -- its resident birds, Slash and Hazard, were keeping a low profile.
The black rhinos were similarly uninclined.
"Rhino sex is always violent. It looks like two Jeeps having an argument," she said. "Once copulation begins, they're locked together for well over an hour."
Male rhino Gene has started to favor logs over the aging Miss Elly.
"He takes that big unit out and humps those logs," Tollini said. "But if you get a splinter in there, you'll find out who your friends are."
Former zoo resident Tinkerbelle the elephant had a penchant for 18-wheeler truck tires, and a zebra in the African Savanna is infatuated with Samson the giraffe. Cobby the chimp, meanwhile, is fond of keepers' rubber boots.
"It's his special fetish," Tollini said. "He'll put his finger out and touch the shoe. ... Then he'll play with his nipples, eat bananas and masturbate."
The tram stopped to see Tunya, a lion who can have sex 50 times within 24 hours, in 30-second bouts.
"That's why he's called king of the jungle," Tollini said.
When the tram visited Penguin Island, it seemed particularly timely. The seabirds' month of foreplay usually begins on Valentine's Day.
To share in the thrill of parenthood, Tollini said, male and female same-sex couples were given eggs to foster.
"The gay penguins had the most well-appointed burrows," Tollini recalled. "There were even peacock feathers."
She said tapirs are among the zoo's most well-endowed residents. One who answered to Jack once injured himself by stepping on his member.
"We soaked it in a tub of betadine for a couple of weeks," Tollini said. "It turned purple, then black, then it atrophied. Then it fell off, and he ate it."
When the tourgoers got off the tram and went into the Education Building, they met other creatures. They learned that hedgehogs have incredible libidos, that female porcupines have "Southern girl charm" by necessity -- they're in season only four hours a year -- and that girl opossums have double wombs.
"She can get pregnant when she is pregnant," Tollini said. "It's every woman's nightmare."
Neil Larson of Berkeley took the tour eight years ago and returned with his fiancee, Judi Cole, for Valentine's Day.
"It's an eye-opener," he said. "I could do this every year."
Even Tollini can't remember everything in the tour. On Tuesday morning, she lost her notes about alligator sex and searched for the term on the Internet. Instead, she found "Sex with an Alligator," a drink that mixes Jägermeister with raspberry and melon liqueurs.
"Now I've learned how to make this cocktail," Tollini said.
I bet that there some in San Fran reading this right now going "Done that...that...that...planning to...check...yes...rubber boots? I'll have to check that out."
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