So I'm almost done

[Pekka]

.. with the first draft of the story I once contested in here. I gave 3 ideas I have played with and one got overwhelming support, and it was encouraging because many of you seemed interested in the basic idea of it. So I'm almost done writing the first draft. Obviously I need help with going over the grammar, going over the dialogues, before I can make second draft and obviously I need help with considering the characters and are they constructed well enough etc etc.. and the structure of the story.

It's the Gauntlet one, where a man tries to get her wife killed via anonymous web thingie, where you send a pic, name and address, and they have the target killed and in return you get a pic, name and address and you need to kill someone. THe old switcheroo, except that the hit on wife fails the first time and he gets another pic.. and another pic.. That's the basic idea, there's more (important) things into it, carrying the story and making it more interesting, I'm thinking it's more thriller type than anything else.

I'm not a very good writer at all but I think I got the idea and the ideas I won't be discussing here down pretty well to make it interesting but I need help with it, because like I said, I'm a bad writer. My characters might lack something, and they could be completely stupid, not enough depth etc.

How can I go on with it? With the first draft, when it's done that is.

[Pekka]

And definitely Dark humour. Very dark.

OK so I paste the first page of the thing so maybe this thread gets some response. You can see how it begins so you can figure out the style some. I know the writing is bad, but I want responses about what I can do:

THE GAUNTLET
DRAFT

BLACK SCREEN
V/O

”Someone wise once said you’ve never truly loved your wife before you seriously thought about killing her.”

We see a man in his 40s, correcting his tie, and putting on shoes, getting ready for a day of work at the office. His name is Baxter Herring.

BH: “I always do my job. I never complain. My life is the same every day.”

We see a woman in her 40s. Slightly overweight but upbeat. She is cleaning the house. Her name is Lisa Herring.

BH: “This is the love of my life. The woman I married. Her name is Lisa.”

Baxter and Lisa are sitting on the couch on Christmas day, sharing a blanket and watching television.

BH: “She made this blanket. It took her 2 months. She needed something to occupy her while she was recovering from a traumatic experience. I guess I had something to do with it…”

We see a homeless junkie on the street in front of a porn store. White, thin with bad teeth and the usual homeless clothes. His name is Dick.

BH: “This is Dick. It’s not his real name but I call him Dick because the first time Dick and I met, he was shooting heroin in his ****. I paid Dick $500 to kill my wife. I never gave him the second half, because well… she’s still here.”

...............................................

[C0ckney]

I'm not a very good writer at all...

call me a pessimist, but i think that might pose a problem when writing a story.

[reds4ever]

[Pekka]

thanks for the input.

[VetLegion]

Originally posted by Pekka


THE GAUNTLET
DRAFT

BLACK SCREEN
V/O

”Someone wise once said you’ve never truly loved your wife before you seriously thought about killing her.”

I didn't dare read further.

[Urban Ranger]

Um, that reads more like a script than a novel.

[Urban Ranger]

Originally posted by C0ckney
call me a pessimist, but i think that might pose a problem when writing a story.

The only way to become better at writing is to keep writing.

[Fake Boris]

Keep ****ing then.

[Fake Boris]

Originally posted by Urban Ranger
Um, that reads more like a script than a novel.

Ummm... a script it is meant to be, I think.

BTW Pekka I have no idea what it will look like, but I think there is potential. A story like this could make for excellent dark humor, imagine Fargo but more comical and absurd. Anyway just my 2 cents. Good luck

[Pekka]

Boris, I know it's impossible when you read 3 words, but you are correct that I'm looking for the same Fargoish atmosphere here and humour, it's dark. So hats off to your correct observation. There's 72 pages more but it's not yet done. The first raw version, I've read it through couple of times, there are things that bothers me and i want to remove them and re-write, but I started doing that from early on and I was basically re-writing the 10 first pages all the time so I decided to go on adn fix things later.

I have notes about even this first page, I don't like the blanket idea. Also I might change the wording when he introduced himself, of course he goes on for page 2 and page 3 about himself but .. well you get the idea what I'm trying to say. It's weird that you said Fargo from only having few words, because that's exactly what I often thought, and tried to think something else so I wouldn't be copying it.

UR, thanks man, that's right!! I don't write to make money, because I suck, but I write because I want to be able to write better. And I like writing, I like this story so I want to finish it. I think it's a cool story so I hope that maybe someone else finds it cool too and they get some enjoyment out of it. That's all.

[Urban Ranger]

Originally posted by Pekka
UR, thanks man, that's right!! I don't write to make money, because I suck, but I write because I want to be able to write better. And I like writing, I like this story so I want to finish it. I think it's a cool story so I hope that maybe someone else finds it cool too and they get some enjoyment out of it. That's all.

No sweat. Even though we don't see eye to eye all the time I know you're a decent person. So just keep doing what you like doing, and don't let the bozos wear you down.

[Zkribbler]

If it is a screenplay, I would do it slightly differently:
(title, byline and name of whose talking centered of course)

Originally posted by Pekka
THE GAUNTLET
by Pekka
DRAFT

BLACK SCREEN:

VOICE OF BAXTER HERRING:
Someone wise once said you’ve never truly loved your wife before you seriously thought about killing her.

FADE IN:
INT. HERRING HOUSE (DAY) -

BAXTER HERRING is in his 40s. He is correcting his tie, and putting on shoes, getting ready for a day of work at the office.

VOICE OF BAXTER (cont'g):
I always do my job. I never complain. My life is the same every day.

LISA HERRING is in her 40s. Slightly overweight but upbeat. She is cleaning the house.

VOICE OF BAXTER (cont'g):
This is the love of my life. The woman I married. Her name is Lisa.

Baxter and Lisa are sitting on the couch on Christmas day, sharing a blanket and watching television.

VOICE OF BAXTER (cont'g):
She made this blanket. It took her 2 months. She needed something to occupy her while she was recovering from a traumatic experience. I guess I had something to do with it…

EXT. GRUBBY STREET (DAY)-
DICK is see a homeless junkie on the street in front of a porn store. White, thin with bad teeth and the usual homeless clothes.

VOICE OF BAXTER (cont'g):
This is Dick. It’s not his real name but I call him Dick because the first time Dick and I met, he was shooting heroin in his ****. I paid Dick $500 to kill my wife. I never gave him the second half, because well… she’s still here.

...............................................

[Pekka]

Nah these bozos can't let me down. Besides, no one really trashed me, c0ckney just made a joke, something I'd do myself. That's I guess something I'm bad at, I like to take a crack at people and criticize them for taking it too seriously, then when someone questions me, I'm ready to empty the magazines at their grand parents.

Anyway, there's still no replies as to what I can do with the story when it's finished. I have it all in my head, I see every detail too now that I've worked with it, I think it's cool and I'm sure many would enjoy it but I just want to be able to translate it so everyone else can see it too. So I need help with that stuff. I just can't figure it out anymore too much, unless I get outside help. And not with 'that is not good', I know and I can pinpoint lots of stuff I don't like myself, what I need is them to point out how I can make it better, plus what I should leave out completely and if I should add to something.

One of the biggest problems is that I'm not .. a writer, that means I have no sense of structures, I have no sense of different levels, meaning what I write doesn't translate to what I mean to bring out. Also, a huge problem is that when I try to write dialogues, they all sound me. You know, they all use the same kind of talking and words, I can imagine them saying that stuff for example with different accents, but that doesn't really make the difference needed. That means, my characters are all me. I need them to be .. different characters.

[Pekka]

Zkrillber, and that's one thing too! Thanks! I mean I read some scripts, and then realized I did it all wrong. I just came up with the .. way to describe it, since I have no sense of how you are supposed to write it. I need to make all THOSE changes too.

Also I have difficulties in knowing how descriptive I should be. I'm pretty demanding in what I see, I mean, there's lots more I see in the picture, what of those should I write down, I don't know!