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  • This is funny on so many levels



    Can Deregulating Toilets Revive Republicans?: Andrew Ferguson

    Andrew Ferguson is a columnist for Bloomberg News. The opinions expressed are his own.

    Jan. 24 (Bloomberg) -- ``Five toilets,'' my neighbor said last week, watching the plumber drive away. ``We have five toilets in our house. And not one of them works worth a damn.''

    Although the numbers may change -- five is a lot of toilets for one house, I admit -- the universal complaint has remained the same for a decade or more.

    And now it gains a special urgency as Republicans in Washington seek ways to move beyond the Abramoff lobbying scandal and demonstrate their renewed devotion to the principle that brought them to power: to be the party of small government, doing battle against an imperial bureaucratic state that's in thrall to self-interested elites and manned by know-it-alls and buttinskis.

    My friend's complaint about toilets originates in just such governmental overreaching. The story is a Washington classic, as illuminating of the capital's customs as the Abramoff scandal.

    The tale begins in 1992, when a Democratic Congress passed and a Republican president signed the Energy Policy Act.

    It was a massive bill, similar to the behemoths that grind their way through Congress today, so dense with special favors that no single legislator could possibly know all that it contained.

    The Flush Gush

    Relatively few people were aware that, folded into the bill's fine print, was a provision empowering the Department of Energy -- Buttinskis Unlimited -- to require a new national standard in the kinds of toilets Americans could buy.

    For decades, pampered Americans had luxuriated in commodes using at least 3.5 gallons of water per flush -- often more, up to five, six, even seven gallons per blissful flush.

    The new regulations cut that flush to a rinse. Within two years, no new toilet could use more than 1.6 gpf, or six liters. Massive savings in water use would supposedly result.

    There was much that was curious about this provision. Though drastic in its nationwide ramifications, it answered no drastic, nationwide demand or need. Some areas of the country were pressed by overuse of water -- most notably parts of California -- but the U.S. as a whole never faced even the possibility of a general water shortage.

    Dark Origins

    ``It was slipped in so quietly, nobody quite knew what was going on till the new standard took effect and the new toilets started appearing,'' says Ben Lieberman, a policy analyst at the Heritage Foundation who studied the issue back in the mid- nineties, when he held a similar position with the Competitive Enterprise Institute.

    Lieberman and others discovered the obscure provision's dark origins. Professional environmentalists, hoping to alarm consumers and discourage water use, had pushed for lower gpf standards in several individual states, including the massive market of California.

    Faced with a patchwork of state standards, plumbing trade groups joined with the environmentalists in seeking a single, national standard. Manufacturers saw the possibility of streamlining consumer choice and introducing a line of new, expensive -- and mandatory -- toilets.

    Thus was born a legislatively unbeatable coalition. On one side were sanctimonious environmentalists, avaricious big business and feather-bedding trade unionists, all seeking to enlist the power of the federal government to achieve their self-interested ends.

    And on the other side? Nothing but clueless U.S. consumers. They never knew what hit them.

    Terrible Idea

    ``It was a terrible idea,'' Lieberman says, ``and the toilets were terrible, too.''

    The new 1.6 gpf models had to be flushed two or three times each use and even then succumbed to constant clogging. They backed up easily, causing sanitary, not to mention olfactory, problems. Utility officials reported sewage system blockages caused by insufficient quantities of water flowing through community pipes -- blockages that were undone only by flushing the pipes with thousands of gallons of fresh water.

    No surprise then that by 2000 several reports showed that the new generation of toilets had brought minimal water savings.

    Meanwhile, a grassroots consumer revolt gained momentum. Contractors risked $2,500 fines to form a Soviet-style black market in pre-1992 toilets. Acres of op-ed columns, full of terrible wordplay and bad puns, were published by authors who announced they were ``flush with anger'' and worse.

    Yet, in 1997 and 1998 the now-Republican Congress crushed efforts to reverse the toilet mandate -- a sure and early sign of the majority's shaky commitment to more modest government.

    Chilling Words

    The grassroots revolt winked out too. Today's toilets are better than the first 1995 models, though not as good or as cheap as the toilets of our youth. U.S. consumers in 2006 can thus buy a worse product at a higher price than they could in 1992, thanks to the government's insistence on fixing a problem that wasn't there.

    With a chill I remember, from the late 1990s, the look a plumber shot me when I pleaded with him, quietly, to find me a toilet that worked.

    ``No way,'' he said. ``I'm not going to jail over a toilet.''

    Fair enough, I remember thinking. But what about Congress? In repealing the toilet mandate and opening the market, they would face nothing but the ire of a few professional environmentalists -- and the gratitude of a free people, suddenly made freer still.

    Could there be a better way for Republicans to renew their traditional commitment to shrink government and exercise power on behalf of the general public instead of special interests -- and, in the end, put the Abramoff scandal behind them?
    Originally posted by Serb:Please, remind me, how exactly and when exactly, Russia bullied its neighbors?
    Originally posted by Ted Striker:Go Serb !
    Originally posted by Pekka:If it was possible to capture the essentials of Sepultura in a dildo, I'd attach it to a bicycle and ride it up your azzes.

  • #2
    Obviously a level I don't happen to be on.
    I'm building a wagon! On some other part of the internets, obviously (but not that other site).

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    • #3
      ...five is a lot of toilets for one house, I admit...

      It's somehow heartening to see that not all Americans share the Kuciwalker household's obsession with multiple water closets.
      Attached Files
      Vive la liberte. Noor Inayat Khan, Dachau.

      ...patriotism is not enough. I must have no hatred or bitterness towards anyone. Edith Cavell, 1915

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      • #4
        The article indeed is funny, especially the part about black market forming for old toilets

        But now I am curious what is the truth behind the story. Was there indeed a statistically significant increase in number of pipes getting clogged? This would be fairly easy to prove and would add weight to the argument, if there indeed is an argument, and not merely a collection of anegdotal evidence used by free market think tanks to write amusing articles.

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        • #5
          French toilets use very few water and they don't clog. Here's a lesson for you cowboys!
          In Soviet Russia, Fake borises YOU.

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          • #6
            Do you understand what I would give for a decent toilet? They sell one now that can flush like 12 golf balls. I have got to get that. The low flow ones that the govt forced on us because of that bullshot bill are pure crap. I already broke one plunger this year!

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            • #7
              dp

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              • #8
                Well, this is an old problem in politics in general, concentrated benefits, diffuse costs. The reverse of that, concentrated costs, diffuse benefits, is also a problem.
                Who wants DVDs? Good prices! I swear!

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                • #9
                  I've heard that in Europe or somewhere they have dual-flush toilets, one that uses only about a gallon or less for liquid only, and a much bigger one for solids.

                  Didn't hear about the black market for pre-92 toilets, but back when I lived in New Jersey I heard of people going to Canada to buy toilets.
                  Visit First Cultural Industries
                  There are reasons why I believe mankind should live in cities and let nature reclaim all the villages with the exception of a few we keep on display as horrific reminders of rural life.-Starchild
                  Meat eating and the dominance and force projected over animals that is acompanies it is a gateway or parallel to other prejudiced beliefs such as classism, misogyny, and even racism. -General Ludd

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                  • #10
                    Some areas of the country were pressed by overuse of water -- most notably parts of California -- but the U.S. as a whole never faced even the possibility of a general water shortage.
                    Yup, low flow toilets have been the norm in CA for some time. The aren't bad if you get the pressure supported kind... but they are expensive.
                    Monkey!!!

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                    • #11
                      Nice, Canadian black market toilets
                      “I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”
                      - John 13:34-35 (NRSV)

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Japher


                        Yup, low flow toilets have been the norm in CA for some time. The aren't bad if you get the pressure supported kind... but they are expensive.


                        You have to have the pressure based one nowadays to get the job done. But you rarely see them outside of public restrooms.

                        Amazingly enough, a campaign against low-flow toilets may resonate with the Republican target demographic. But I would suspect they already vote Republican anyway. I can just see the counter campaign though, "Republican Party goes down the Toliet!" Did anyone else watch the King of the Hill episode where Hank actually went against the law of the land to try to get an "illegal" non-low-flow toliet?

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                        • #13
                          Al: When I was growing up, I had two dreams. One was being an astronaut and landing on the planet Jane Mansfield. The other was having a bathroom all to myself. Well, Daddy got blown off course and had to crash on a much darker planet. (Al touches Peggy's head.) But family, I'm going to realize my second dream. I'm going to build a bathroom -- the greatest bathroom in the world. And I want you to know something, all of you -- NOBODY USES THAT BATHROOM BUT ME.

                          Yes, a truly miserable life was his. His only escapes were watching his favorite TV show Psycho Dad [3], holding council with his men's club NO MA'AM [4], and driving in his beloved car, the mighty Dodge. But mightier than all those joys in Al's life was his love for his Ferguson.

                          Al: When I was a boy I told myself when I grew up I would have one thing. A toilet bowl like my dad had.

                          Peggy: I thought it was a head like a peanut. He had one of those, too.

                          Al: you're not going to ruin my moment, Peg. Now stand back and feast your eyes on... this!



                          Kelly: is it just me, or is that a toilet?

                          Al: Not just a toilet... a FERGUSON. The King of bowls!

                          Al Bundy - Ferguson
                          "Just puttin on the foil" - Jeff Hanson

                          “In a democracy, I realize you don’t need to talk to the top leader to know how the country feels. When I go to a dictatorship, I only have to talk to one person and that’s the dictator, because he speaks for all the people.” - Jimmy Carter

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                          • #14
                            I have nursed the two pre-era toliets in our house. I keep replacing all the movable parts because I don't want to replace them with the expensive nonworking ones. I used to go to flea markets and buy older ones for almost nothing then offer them to my neighbors for a very modest profit. The payback in good neighbor attitude was worth it. I'm very popular on our block.
                            It's almost as if all his overconfident, absolutist assertions were spoonfed to him by a trusted website or subreddit. Sheeple
                            RIP Tony Bogey & Baron O

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                            • #15
                              Al: Bud, sit down. Let me tell you the story of the Ferguson. Now these babies were made in Maine, you know, at the little Ferguson factory. It's the Stradivarius of toilets. And my Dad could play it like a violin.

                              Yup, I'll never forget the time my dad took me to Maine to visit the factory. I had to go to the bathroom. And I begged him to pull into a truck stop. He said no, wait until we get there! It'll be worth it! It was!
                              How could a man survive such a horrid life? He could survive because his Ferguson got him through it. Whenever Al was feeling down, he would go one of two places: to rest upon his mighty Ferguson, or down to the local nudie bar. And, really, what else does a man need?
                              Bud: Excuse me, Dad, but a toilet is a toilet.

                              Al: (grimacing) Bud... the toilets today aren't worthy of the name! They come in designer colors... they're too low! When you flush them, they make this weak, almost apologetic sound. But not the Ferguson. It only comes in white. And when you flush it... BaaaWOOOSH! That's a man's flush, Bud. A Ferguson says, "I'm a toilet. Sit down and give me your best shot." Oh, if only a Ferguson could speak, the tales it would tell!


                              And now I've got one of my very own!

                              I just wish... Dad could be ali--- (Al breaks down)


                              Al: Oh look, Dad, I'm sitting on my own Ferguson! Just like you always knew I would!

                              Al: Daddy loves you!

                              Peggy: What does that toilet have that I don't?

                              Al: A job.
                              Al's bond with his toilet speaks volumes about our society. It wasn't an accident that Married... With Children was on the air for ten years. Writers base sitcoms on our lifestyles. How many of us can't wait to get home, not because we want to see our children or spouse, but because we want to sit down on the pot? After a long day of work and stress, the only place where we can let go and be stress-free is the bathroom. The bathroom is our Eden. For me, after dealing with all the bull**** of my job, nothing cleanses my head better then a good, hearty dump. I feel almost vindicated, like I finally accomplished something in the day. No matter how bad my day has been, getting home to my familiar Ferguson always takes the edge of. No more stress, no more people yelling, no more phone calls. Just peace, serenity, and my favorite magazine.
                              Kelly: Well. Daddy finally finished his bathroom. You know, the living room seems so much bigger without the Ferguson.

                              Peggy: Yeah... this must be quite a moment for your father. He's in there breaking in the Ferguson as we speak. Must be having fun... he's been in there for over an hour.

                              Al comes in.

                              Peggy: How was it, Al?

                              Al: (Sits down on the couch.) I don't know, Peg. I'm constipated.


                              Al: This is the worst day of my life. I wonder if this ever happened to Dad?

                              Peggy: You want me to undercook you some chicken, honey?

                              Al: No, but thanks anyway, Peg. It'll take something a lot stronger than raw chicken to get me fixed up.

                              Al turns on the TV.

                              Announcer: And now stay tuned for the rest of our exciting ABC lineup. Roseanne! Moonlighting! And the award-winning Thirtysomething.

                              Al nods, picks up a newspaper, puts it under his arm, and heads to the bathroom.


                              sfx: BaaaWOOOSH!


                              Al: Now that's a MAN'S flush!
                              "Just puttin on the foil" - Jeff Hanson

                              “In a democracy, I realize you don’t need to talk to the top leader to know how the country feels. When I go to a dictatorship, I only have to talk to one person and that’s the dictator, because he speaks for all the people.” - Jimmy Carter

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