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I dunno am I the only one that WANTS to go off the deep end but doesn't?
I'm just wondering if it is strange, but am I the only one that gets so frustrated with the people on the entire freaking planet? I know people do it go on a rampage, but are any of you like me and want to sometimes, but then decide not to.
Honestly I don't have the energy lately to. I mean sometimes I get so upset at the news that I feel like throwing a remote control through the television, I don't because I have OCD and don't want to buy a new one.
Do I have some anger management issues, or is it something else?
I have never had any access to guns, everybody in their right mind has known better then to let that happen. And I'm under moderate survillance, thanks to people in my high school thinking I was on edge enough to do something. Which I might have been but it would have nothing to do with my bloody school...
I was planning something special for the big fish, aka I was going to go Rambo and take over an entire military base, don't think it would of worked, but I was delusional enough at the time it didn't matter. I was the type of teen that everybody was nevous about, I was a fascist only insofar as the much as I delighted in war violence, and sought to start one. Hey according to my original planned timeframe I've still got a couple of years left to assemble my grand blitzkrieg von Amerika. lol
Well instead of that happening, somebody from my high school calls in a bomb threat to blame it on me, so that somebody would intervene with me. The FBI was so kind to intervene, I hadn't broken any laws so they couldn't cruficify me like they wanted to.
From then on, people were constantly afraid of me, little teenage girls crying in the school office afraid i was going to kill them.... pathetic, like I would waste my time on them even if I did go over the edge, besides I was trying to put my life back together.
Fast forward a few years, depression hits me hard, I'm out of high school on meds, and angry with myself cause I thought I must have been some kind of monster. welll
fast forward a few more years, and my depression is waaaaaaay lower, and I'm isolating myself further, and just have a general dislike of most people, especially anyone above my age group.
Well all the wonderful things in the world to help my world view, 80% of them can be thanked by President Bush. Although I hate the man, I wouldn't ever dare try to hurt him, cause then he'd be a marytr and grow more popular, I rather he go down in his own flames anyway, which he seems to be doing a good job thanks to his ever increasing incompotence.
You know it isn't really the best idea for me to constantly being pissed off by everyone, not for what I can do myself, but for who I have incluence over, God.... now you can call me crazy, or whatever I don't really care, but the point is my worldview is slowly seeping into him, and as I get more pissed so does he..... you see where this goes.
So why don't, say, everybody in the world do a nice job of getting along better, and deflate my anger, before I end up pushing god over edge on this cursed rock.
In reality I could do a lot of damage, if I had the motivation for it, (well and lacked the survillence) but god can do so much more damage then I ever could this planet could by like zap in a milisecond. You've got right now less than 200,000 years to get your act together or he has already planned to erase your sorry assses and start over with a new project of his, granted you'd be the first civilization he had created so far to fail.... pathetic.....
And before you fundies go on about devils influencing me, I would like to point out I have spoken with the actual equivalent of the devil, that thing called me an "ant" that dared talk to a "god", the funny thing is my influence may do more damage then the devil ever could want to.
And before you ask I have been possesed by an actual demon from time to time, his name is Madrigal, I looked it up once something to do with dance....... he's different then most demons, he wants evil to be overt and face good directly, instead of this sneaking around crap that evil is so good at doing throughout history.
Does he still have influence over me, I doubt it, I hadn't had any conversation with him for a quite a while, since God kinda banned him from talking to me. But is the damage already done with me? Do I already hold this irreversable amount of anger and thirst for destruction that will inevitably lead to end of this entire planet, I don't know, why don't you tell me?
I've been diagnosed with some unknown form of schizotypal.... either I'm either imaginging this entire thing, which I doubt it for the amount of medication that I am on.... or me meets world, world may be in big trouble, if world keeps screwing up IMO.
I mean I have a good heart, I want everything to go well on this planet, but when it doesn't it turns into this intense anger.... that I constantly go on about.
Should I really be this bloody frustrated with how humanity acts? Or is the problem ME? I don't know.....
now that I've gone on about the supernatural which like 90% of you here don't believe in, and the 10% that do still will think I'm making things up or are indeed crazy. I thought I'd trail back to my earlier thoughts:
If things bad things, make me so upset, that I want to do bad things towards all, then is there something wrong with me? Am I the only person that feels this way, and hasn't already jumped over the edge?
People have threated my parents before when I was in High School cause they feared for their kids lives, from me..... Why the hell would I waste an opportunity on a bunch of high school students when I could easily have done much more damage to more important things, escapes their reasoning.
You know my original life goal was to be a terrorist, but not in the sense of these pathetic middle eastern thugs, that rely on brute violence and body count... now I was into the TERROR portion, I actually researched it quite extensively when I was a teen..... you can make people very afraid simply by showing them they are powerless to stop you....the more powerful foes that you show helpless, and the more and more that you keep on coming, and not hiding the more paniced they get.. I was going to bring out a revolution in terrorist thought that would have brought superpowers to their knees, luckly I gave up on the idea..... it would have made a good yet dangerous research paper for my policitical science class on Terrorism in UNI actually.
Everytime I hear about hurt in this world it makes me mad at ALL... is this really a wrong thing, or are we all responsible for letting bad things happen..... I dunno..... but what I do know is that the worse things get the more irritated I get.... and the more my worldview darkens.
Look I don't want to bring in more hurt, maybe at one time I did, but their were multiple factors influencing me at the time and they are now gone... what I do want is for the world to get its act together. And I get tired and impatient about it.
I GET SO FRUSTRATED!!! That's all.... I feel like I'm in cage watching everyone around me being tortured.... and I think what is the point of this.... why should I not just zap the whole universe and put it out of its misery.
Tell me what you think....
Just remember I'm in no position to hurt anyone, have no access to anything destructive....... and lack the energy to even if I did. I sleep roughly 17 hours out of the day and nap also, I can't even sit on a computer for long times, thanks to severe back problems that my depression has brought. And I'm under watch... so I wouldn't try anything anways...
Am I really alone in this? I mean I can tell my therapist this, and all I get is some BS answers how that maybe these thoughts are more common than I think, but I have yet to meet anyone who thinks like I do that hasn't gone off the deep end. So are any of you close to the edge or am I still just an enigma bordering on a super-pariah?
Mods if you want to close this thread fine, but I'd rather get some input first....cause I lack unbiased opinions most of the time. While Apolyton might not be the most helpful opinions or the most educated and professional necessarly, you all have no stake in this... so that makes you very objective IMO.
FYI I'm 22 now, dropped out in my senior year of college, and now live on disabilty cause I can't work or go to school thanks to my undending amount of tiredness.
In reality all I want is people to treat other people with decency and respect, I want people to be nice, and try not to hurt anyone... is this TOO much to ask for? Haven't this been what all of the main spirtual prophets have been saying all along... SO WHY DON'T PEOPLE LISTEN.... GRRRRRRRRRRRR
Honestly I don't have the energy lately to. I mean sometimes I get so upset at the news that I feel like throwing a remote control through the television, I don't because I have OCD and don't want to buy a new one.
Do I have some anger management issues, or is it something else?
I have never had any access to guns, everybody in their right mind has known better then to let that happen. And I'm under moderate survillance, thanks to people in my high school thinking I was on edge enough to do something. Which I might have been but it would have nothing to do with my bloody school...
I was planning something special for the big fish, aka I was going to go Rambo and take over an entire military base, don't think it would of worked, but I was delusional enough at the time it didn't matter. I was the type of teen that everybody was nevous about, I was a fascist only insofar as the much as I delighted in war violence, and sought to start one. Hey according to my original planned timeframe I've still got a couple of years left to assemble my grand blitzkrieg von Amerika. lol
Well instead of that happening, somebody from my high school calls in a bomb threat to blame it on me, so that somebody would intervene with me. The FBI was so kind to intervene, I hadn't broken any laws so they couldn't cruficify me like they wanted to.
From then on, people were constantly afraid of me, little teenage girls crying in the school office afraid i was going to kill them.... pathetic, like I would waste my time on them even if I did go over the edge, besides I was trying to put my life back together.
Fast forward a few years, depression hits me hard, I'm out of high school on meds, and angry with myself cause I thought I must have been some kind of monster. welll
fast forward a few more years, and my depression is waaaaaaay lower, and I'm isolating myself further, and just have a general dislike of most people, especially anyone above my age group.
Well all the wonderful things in the world to help my world view, 80% of them can be thanked by President Bush. Although I hate the man, I wouldn't ever dare try to hurt him, cause then he'd be a marytr and grow more popular, I rather he go down in his own flames anyway, which he seems to be doing a good job thanks to his ever increasing incompotence.
You know it isn't really the best idea for me to constantly being pissed off by everyone, not for what I can do myself, but for who I have incluence over, God.... now you can call me crazy, or whatever I don't really care, but the point is my worldview is slowly seeping into him, and as I get more pissed so does he..... you see where this goes.
So why don't, say, everybody in the world do a nice job of getting along better, and deflate my anger, before I end up pushing god over edge on this cursed rock.
In reality I could do a lot of damage, if I had the motivation for it, (well and lacked the survillence) but god can do so much more damage then I ever could this planet could by like zap in a milisecond. You've got right now less than 200,000 years to get your act together or he has already planned to erase your sorry assses and start over with a new project of his, granted you'd be the first civilization he had created so far to fail.... pathetic.....
And before you fundies go on about devils influencing me, I would like to point out I have spoken with the actual equivalent of the devil, that thing called me an "ant" that dared talk to a "god", the funny thing is my influence may do more damage then the devil ever could want to.
And before you ask I have been possesed by an actual demon from time to time, his name is Madrigal, I looked it up once something to do with dance....... he's different then most demons, he wants evil to be overt and face good directly, instead of this sneaking around crap that evil is so good at doing throughout history.
Does he still have influence over me, I doubt it, I hadn't had any conversation with him for a quite a while, since God kinda banned him from talking to me. But is the damage already done with me? Do I already hold this irreversable amount of anger and thirst for destruction that will inevitably lead to end of this entire planet, I don't know, why don't you tell me?
I've been diagnosed with some unknown form of schizotypal.... either I'm either imaginging this entire thing, which I doubt it for the amount of medication that I am on.... or me meets world, world may be in big trouble, if world keeps screwing up IMO.
I mean I have a good heart, I want everything to go well on this planet, but when it doesn't it turns into this intense anger.... that I constantly go on about.
Should I really be this bloody frustrated with how humanity acts? Or is the problem ME? I don't know.....
now that I've gone on about the supernatural which like 90% of you here don't believe in, and the 10% that do still will think I'm making things up or are indeed crazy. I thought I'd trail back to my earlier thoughts:
If things bad things, make me so upset, that I want to do bad things towards all, then is there something wrong with me? Am I the only person that feels this way, and hasn't already jumped over the edge?
People have threated my parents before when I was in High School cause they feared for their kids lives, from me..... Why the hell would I waste an opportunity on a bunch of high school students when I could easily have done much more damage to more important things, escapes their reasoning.
You know my original life goal was to be a terrorist, but not in the sense of these pathetic middle eastern thugs, that rely on brute violence and body count... now I was into the TERROR portion, I actually researched it quite extensively when I was a teen..... you can make people very afraid simply by showing them they are powerless to stop you....the more powerful foes that you show helpless, and the more and more that you keep on coming, and not hiding the more paniced they get.. I was going to bring out a revolution in terrorist thought that would have brought superpowers to their knees, luckly I gave up on the idea..... it would have made a good yet dangerous research paper for my policitical science class on Terrorism in UNI actually.
Everytime I hear about hurt in this world it makes me mad at ALL... is this really a wrong thing, or are we all responsible for letting bad things happen..... I dunno..... but what I do know is that the worse things get the more irritated I get.... and the more my worldview darkens.
Look I don't want to bring in more hurt, maybe at one time I did, but their were multiple factors influencing me at the time and they are now gone... what I do want is for the world to get its act together. And I get tired and impatient about it.
I GET SO FRUSTRATED!!! That's all.... I feel like I'm in cage watching everyone around me being tortured.... and I think what is the point of this.... why should I not just zap the whole universe and put it out of its misery.
Tell me what you think....
Just remember I'm in no position to hurt anyone, have no access to anything destructive....... and lack the energy to even if I did. I sleep roughly 17 hours out of the day and nap also, I can't even sit on a computer for long times, thanks to severe back problems that my depression has brought. And I'm under watch... so I wouldn't try anything anways...
Am I really alone in this? I mean I can tell my therapist this, and all I get is some BS answers how that maybe these thoughts are more common than I think, but I have yet to meet anyone who thinks like I do that hasn't gone off the deep end. So are any of you close to the edge or am I still just an enigma bordering on a super-pariah?
Mods if you want to close this thread fine, but I'd rather get some input first....cause I lack unbiased opinions most of the time. While Apolyton might not be the most helpful opinions or the most educated and professional necessarly, you all have no stake in this... so that makes you very objective IMO.
FYI I'm 22 now, dropped out in my senior year of college, and now live on disabilty cause I can't work or go to school thanks to my undending amount of tiredness.
In reality all I want is people to treat other people with decency and respect, I want people to be nice, and try not to hurt anyone... is this TOO much to ask for? Haven't this been what all of the main spirtual prophets have been saying all along... SO WHY DON'T PEOPLE LISTEN.... GRRRRRRRRRRRR
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