Chuck Norris

[Imran Siddiqui]

Reposted from another forum... this **** is hilarious:

1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

2. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

3. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

4. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

5. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

6. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

8. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

9. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

10. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

11. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

12. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard." Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wise men, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

13. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.

14. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.


15. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

16. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name was "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

17. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris -robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

18. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling "Bang!"

19. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back.
He always makes it to Oregon before you.

20. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya!"

21. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

22. When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into the backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

23. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity," then you are dead wrong.

24. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

25. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

---

Here are some more Chuck Norris facts:

1. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

2. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the
probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

3. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for
Chuck Norris.

4. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't
you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured
this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever
saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

5. Chuck Norris was the original Danny Tanner on the hit family sitcom,
"Full House". He was replaced by Bob Saget after an unfortunate incident
with one of the Olsen triplets.

6. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the
first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

7. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry,
the man ate an Indian.

8. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

9. Chuck Norris once saw a “DO NOT WALK ON THE GRASS” sign. He stared at the grass until it burst into flames then said, “Chuck Norris walks where
he wants.”

10. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't
the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the
worst mistake anyone has ever made.

11. If you look in a mirror and say "Chuck Norris" three times, he will
appear and kill your entire family... but at least you get to see Chuck
Norris.

12. When Chuck Norris was driving he saw a sign that said, "Caution: Small
Children Playing." So he slowed down, but then it occurred to him: Chuck
Norris isn't afraid of small children.

----

A few more facts:

1. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

2. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

3. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't ---- with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

4. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch

5. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

6. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

7. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

8. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

9. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.

10. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

11. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

12. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

13. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

14. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

15. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

16. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

17. Chuck Norris won ‘Jumanji’ without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living daylights out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

18. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.

19. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

20. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

---

[Imran Siddiqui]

And a link to more!

http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty

[Gibsie]

why did i click this thread

[Ming]

Originally posted by Gibsie
why did i click this thread

Probably to see if he had died

[Pekka]

haha, that's pretty good, had few hard laughs

I like the style.

[Jon Miller]

Super Citizens 1 lost was to Chuck Norris - FACT

JM

[Combat Ingrid]

That all sounds great, but know this: Chuck Norris has ONE weakness

[Imran Siddiqui]

Originally posted by Jon Miller
Super Citizens 1 lost was to Chuck Norris - FACT

JM

[Sava]

summary?

[OzzyKP]

Children are afraid of the dark. Dark is afraid of Mr. T.

The last man who made eye contact with Mr. T was Ray Charles.

Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.

Mr T. and Chuck Norris decided to spar, they travelled to the only safe place in the Universe, the beginning of time. They bowed to each other and Chuck launched in with a roundhouse kick. Mr. T blocked it, and the resulting pressure wave is commonly called the Big Bang.

Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

When Mr. T folds his arms, the U.S. Terror Alert Level is raised to gold.

Mr. T doesn't breathe, air just hides in his lungs for protection.

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.

Mr. T hates playing 'Rock Paper Scissors' because he doesn't believe anything could beat rock. He always chooses rock, and when someone throws paper, he says,"I win." If someone is foolish enough to dispute this, he takes his clenched fist and punches them in the face, then says, "I thought your paper would protect you."

Human females have two X chromosomes. Males have an X and a Y. Mr. T has three Ys and a T. He's more man than you'll ever be.

Mr. T once captured Bigfoot, but released him after he shaved the beast and realized that it was just Chuck Norris walking around naked in the woods.

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.

Mr. T wasn't born, he shed a woman.

Ever have a sharp pain in your chest that you can't explain? That was Mr. T, and it was a warning.

Mr. T was once involved in a head-on car crash, and he was the only survivor. Mr. T was walking at the time.

Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.

Mr. T always drives on the right side of the road, no matter where he is in the world.

23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

On the A-team, Face , Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out of fear.

Mr. T once stared at a woman for three seconds. She instantly became pregnant.

Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

Mr. T recently went on fear factor. Not as a guest, but as an obstacle. Apparently the contestents had to stare at Mr. T's bling for at least 1 second. The show was cancelled to to lack of participation.

Contrary to popular belief, the ancient world knew of 5 elements, not 4. They were earth, air, fire, water and pity. Mr. T invented them all.

In Rocky III, there is a scene where Mr. T invites Adrian, played by Talia Shire, to come over to his apartment "to see what a real man is like". This scene had to be shot an astounding 137 times due to the fact that Shire kept repeatedly tearing her clothes off, jumping on Mr. T, and begging for "the chocolate sauce".

Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.

Gravity dosen't exist. Mr. T just pities everything to stay the **** down. Birds and planes are exempt beacuse they are shaped like Ts.

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

If you were born before 1980, there is a good chance that Mr. T is your father. If you were born after, it's guaranteed.

[Imran Siddiqui]

Originally posted by Sava
summary?

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard." Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wise men, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

[Imran Siddiqui]

Mr T

[Guynemer]

"Thank you, Chuck Norris." --Vince Vaughn, Dodgeball

[Berzerker]

3. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for
Chuck Norris.

But there is one superior force in the universe - Bruce Lee

[Asher]