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1000 word Silmarillion

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  • 1000 word Silmarillion

    Thought I'd share this

    ------------------

    AINULINDALE:

    ILUVATAR: Ahem.
    AINUR: Wow! Existence!
    ILUVATAR: *blows pitch pipe* LA!
    AINUR: LA LA LA!
    ILUVATAR: LA LA!
    AINUR: LA LA!
    MELKOR: This sucks. BUM BUM BA DUM!
    AINUR: Um. . . la?
    ILUVATAR: Ahem. LA!
    MELKOR: Boop bop-a-doo-bop!
    ILUVATAR: LA, dammit.
    MELKOR: Bwam bardle ningle boom.
    AINUR: . . .
    ILUVATAR: Right, you're out of the band.
    MELKOR: Fine, I was leaving anyway.
    AINUR: . . .
    ILUVATAR: What are you waiting for?
    AINUR: Oh. Right. Newly created world. Sorry. Great jam session, big guy!
    ILUVATAR: Yeesh.

    VALAQUENTA:

    MANWE: I'm in charge!
    VARDA: I'm Manwe's spouse. And the queen of the stars!
    NAMO: I do death and fate. They call me Mandos.
    VAIRE: I'm Namo's spouse. I weave things.
    IRMO: I have gardens. They call me Lorien.
    ESTE: I'm Irmo's spouse. I take care of the gardens.
    YAVANNA: I make things grow.
    NIENNA: I'm sad.
    ULMO: I live in the ocean.
    AULE: I'm Yavanna's spouse. I've got a great big hammer! I made dwarves.
    NESSA: I dance.
    OROME: I hunt!
    VANA: I'm Orome's spouse. I make living things happy.
    TULKAS: I'm strong. I'm Nessa's spouse. I got here last.
    MELKOR: I'm bad, momma, I'm ONE BAD MUTHA-
    TULKAS: Grar.
    MELKOR: Um. Yeah. Hiding now.

    QUENTA SILMARILLION:

    VALAR: Hey! Ilmaren! Party on the island, everyone!
    MELKOR: Bah. *builds fortress, kicks over lamps*
    VALAR: AUGH! *flee west*
    MELKOR: Hu hu hu.
    VALAR: Ooooooh SHINY TREES! Yavanna made shiny trees!
    YAVANNA: Yep! Aren't they pretty?
    MELKOR: Want shiny.
    VALAR: Nope.
    MELKOR: Why not?
    VALAR: Because you're a jerk.
    ELVES: Oh hey, stars. Shiny!
    MELKOR: Oh hey, breeding stock.
    ELVES: AUGH!
    UNGOLIANT: Want shiny.
    MELKOR: Let's go get shiny.
    FEANOR: I've made more shiny!
    VALAR: Good, 'cos Melkor took ours. Can we have yours?
    FEANOR: No! MY SHINIES! MINE!
    VALAR: Aw, !&*()!@&)!(&.
    MELKOR: Got the shinies!
    UNGOLIANT: Not enough shiny. Want more shiny!
    MELKOR: You can't have 'em.
    UNGOLIANT: Grar.
    MELKOR: Eeek! *runs away*
    FEANOR AND SONS: We're gettin' our shinies back. And YOU CAN'T HAVE 'EM, Valar!
    MELKOR/MORGOTH: No you're not. *stabbity fiery burny death*
    BEREN: Ooo! Pretty elf lady!
    THINGOL: You can have her if you ... BRING ME A SHINY!
    BEREN: Worth a shot.
    LUTHIEN: La la la
    MORGOTH: Ooo baby... *zzz*
    BEREN: Got your shiny!
    MORGOTH: you BASTARD! I stole those fair and square!
    CARCHAROTH: Grar.
    BEREN: Ow!
    THINGOL: Got the shiny?
    BEREN: 's in my hand.
    THINGOL: And?
    BEREN: Hand's not here.
    THINGOL: Crap, I really wanted that shiny.
    CARCHAROTH: GRAR!!!!
    BEREN: *dies*
    LUTHIEN: *dies* La la la.
    MANDOS: ... oh all right.
    LUTHIEN: *returns to life*
    BEREN: *returns to life*
    LUTHIEN: Beren! Look! The shiny!
    FEANOR'S SONS: *mutter*
    LUTHIEN: *dies again*
    BEREN: *dies again*
    DIOR: Look! It's Mom's shiny!
    FEANOR'S SONS: WANT SHINY!
    DIOR: *dies*
    ELWING: Eek! *grabs shiny, runs*
    FEANOR'S SONS: !*&(!)&)*!.
    EARENDIL: Hey. Nice shiny. Yo! Valar!
    VALAR: Well FINALLY. *stomp stomp stomp*
    EARENDIL: Wow, planetary orbit!
    MORGOTH: Eek!
    VALAR: Got your shinies!
    MAGLOR AND MAEDHROS: You mean OUR shinies!
    VALAR: Oh *!&(!&).
    MAGLOR AND MAEDHROS: Ow! Burny shinies!
    MAEDHROS: Fine. This sucks. *jumps into chasm*
    MAGLOR: Um... not really looking forward to meeting Dad again... *chucks shiny into sea* Bye. *wanders off*
    VALAR: Well... um... okay.

    AKALLABETH:

    VALAR: Thanks for helping with Morgoth, Edain! Have an island! Elros is in charge!
    EDAIN: Cool!
    VALAR: Don't come looking for us.
    EDAIN: Okay.
    ELVES OF TOL ERESSEA: Have our stuff!
    NUMENOREANS: Neat! Oh hey, Middle-Earth!
    GIL-GALAD: Dudes. Good to see you.
    NUMENOREANS: Yeah, same here. What's going on?
    GIL-GALAD: War with Sauron mostly.
    MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Shiny tall wonderful wise sea-king dudes! Yay!
    NUMENOREANS: Here, have some stuff and wisdom.
    MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: <3 <3 <3
    NUMENOREANS: Life is cool. Why do we have to die?
    ELVES: You're human?
    NUMENOREANS: Can the Valar fix that?
    VALAR: No.
    NUMENOREANS: That sucks. Go away.
    ELVES: Fine.
    ELENDILI: Hey! Over here! We still like you!
    MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Gosh, we're lonely.
    NUMENOREANS: Whatever, give us your wealth and your children.
    MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Um, okay.
    ELENDILI: This isn't gonna end well, is it?
    ELVES: No.
    TAR-PALANTIR: We're sorry?
    GIMILKHAD: *I'm* not.
    AR-PHARAZON: Thanks for the throne, dude.
    TAR-MIRIEL: Hey!
    AR-PHARAZON: Shaddap, woman. Sauron, j00 suxx0r! I 0wnz0r j00!
    SAURON: Okay.
    AR-PHARAZON: Make me immortal.
    SAURON: Human sacrifice is good. Also burn that pesky white tree.
    AR-PHARAZON: Um. . .
    ISILDUR: Hey! White tree! Got your fruit!
    SAURON: *makes chicken noises*
    AR-PHARAZON: Fine. Tree burn! Fire pretty!
    ELENDIL: Isildur, Anarion, get the boats.
    AR-PHARAZON: I've got a huge navy! Let's go conquer Valinor!
    VALAR: Oh no you don't. *CRASHBANGBOOM*
    AR-PHARAZON & CO.: Eeek!
    ELENDIL, ISILDUR, ANARION: Wheee!
    NUMENOREANS: Arrgh!
    NUMENOR: SPLOOSH.
    SAURON: Bwa ha ha! Um, where's my body?
    ILUVATAR: Did I mention the world is round now?
    NUMENOREANS IN EXILE: Well, crap.

    OF THE RINGS OF POWER AND THE THIRD AGE:

    ELVES: Wonder what's going on over the ocean. This crafting deal is pretty sweet, though!
    DWARVES: Yeah, seriously.
    ANNATAR: Hi, elves! Wanna learn some cool stuff?
    ELVES: Okay!
    SAURON: They fell for it.
    SEVEN DWARVES: Thanks for the rings! . . oooh, GOLD! MORE GOLD! MUST HAVE GOLD!
    NINE MEN: Neat rings. . . Hey, didn't Mom die like six hundred years ago?
    CELEBRIMBOR: Okay, how about we do three more and call it a wrap?
    SAURON: How about I do one more and claim them ALL?
    ELVES: AUGH!
    SAURON: Bwa ha ha!
    LAST ALLIANCE OF ELVES AND MEN: Push off.
    SAURON: Make me.
    ISILDUR: Whack.
    SAURON: Ow.
    ELROND: Hey, you got his ring. Let's ditch it.
    ISILDUR: No.
    ELROND: This sucks.
    ISILDUR: Tell me about it. *dies*
    GONDORIANS: *change calendar*
    CIRDAN: Hi, wizards! You in the grey, catch!
    SAURON: Okay, that's long enough. Movin' into Dol Guldur.
    SARUMAN: It's not him. Also the ring's lost at sea.
    RING: No I'm not.
    THE WISE: Augh.
    THE WEAK: Bad ring! Volcano for you!
    RING: *melts*
    SAURON: AUGH!
    MORDOR: BOOM.
    GONDORIANS: *change calendar*
    ELROND, GALADRIEL: Road trip!
    GANDALF: Hi Cirdan! Still got your ring!
    CIRDAN: Cool. Let's go to Valinor!
    Originally posted by Serb:Please, remind me, how exactly and when exactly, Russia bullied its neighbors?
    Originally posted by Ted Striker:Go Serb !
    Originally posted by Pekka:If it was possible to capture the essentials of Sepultura in a dildo, I'd attach it to a bicycle and ride it up your azzes.

  • #2


    Nice one!
    Never give an AI an even break.

    Comment


    • #3


      nicely done!
      "Ceterum censeo Ben esse expellendum."

      Comment


      • #4
        Old but nice.

        Comment


        • #5
          1000 words and still boring.

          Comment


          • #6
            The old WWII one was better.

            (Tojo has left the game)
            "Wait a minute..this isn''t FAUX dive, it's just a DIVE!"
            "...Mangy dog staggering about, looking vainly for a place to die."
            "sauna stories? There are no 'sauna stories'.. I mean.. sauna is sauna. You do by the laws of sauna." -P.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Seeker
              The old WWII one was better.

              (Tojo has left the game)
              True, but stylistically they're quite different
              Originally posted by Serb:Please, remind me, how exactly and when exactly, Russia bullied its neighbors?
              Originally posted by Ted Striker:Go Serb !
              Originally posted by Pekka:If it was possible to capture the essentials of Sepultura in a dildo, I'd attach it to a bicycle and ride it up your azzes.

              Comment


              • #8
                I'm quite proud to say that makes absolutely no sense to me.
                "The French caused the war [Persian Gulf war, 1991]" - Ned
                "you people who bash Bush have no appreciation for one of the great presidents in our history." - Ned
                "I wish I had gay sex in the boy scouts" - Dissident

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by JimmyCracksCorn
                  1000 words and still boring.
                  You took the words right out of my wordprocessor.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Saras


                    True, but stylistically they're quite different
                    Perhaps that's what wrong with it.

                    I'm quite proud to say that makes absolutely no sense to me.


                    * nods *
                    Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing?
                    Then why call him God? - Epicurus

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      SHINIES!!!
                      No, I did not steal that from somebody on Something Awful.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Very nice
                        "A person cannot approach the divine by reaching beyond the human. To become human, is what this individual person, has been created for.” Martin Buber

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by JimmyCracksCorn
                          1000 words and still boring.

                          Comment

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