new EVIL conspiracy discovery

[Pekka]

Guys, all you need to do is connect the dots.. and you will discover one of the most well kept secrets in the world.

Let me lead you into it.. so you can get the 'aaah!' experience. One thing that combines us all in being a man? That's right, having a penis. Along with the package comes the never ending fascination of playing with it. I mean I consider pants to be just a nice material to give it a bit of difference. Every single innocent thing becomes a device to play with your willie with a man. Don't tell me you never hung a towel on it in the morning when you got a bit of the old early stiffness.. it's just a fact and if you deny it, you are lying or a weirdo. Or how about AC.. a nice little ventilation, quite nice feeling.

But what is most common source of these experiments is pornographical material, videos, magazines etc. Every man has a magazine, had a magazine or is about to have a magazine portraying naked women. Men like to watch naked women, be it printed form, digitalized form, or live form (preferred).

Everyone knows the legend 'oh I found my dads collection in the basement' or what ever. Be it collection of old Playboys, hey, they might be worth something. They have nice articles, they have interviews of important people way back when.. but the truth is, it's your dad who beat off to them, and by accidentally (or not) you finding them is a modern rites of passage to you. You have earned it, it's now yours, and it was meant for you to be found. It's like some tribe having a tradition where you take a big amount of pain in a rite, and then when you complete it, you become a man.

What is quite interesting is that the stash was very well made. Maybe it was your desire to find porn that lead you there unconsciously, or luck, but when you find it you think 'this was here all this time and I never knew about it?'. You think you know your house like your own pockets, well that's just a hint you don't. Men become extremely creative when making stashes for their beat off magazines. That's just a fact.

And like fire exercize, men are fast and make a great effort to think it through, if you have exactly 20 minutes on your own, but someone comes home early, it takes you about 10 seconds to rush the material back to the base and get back in time. That's how good men are at it. And their instincts become great as well.. they can hear all cars passing by, even the doors opening and closing at the neighbours, and foot steps too near to your door. It's similar to killing instinct.

So what is the evil conspiracy you might ask? Well, now that we have established the fact that men are extremely good at making their porn stash and operating with it, YEARS of experience, what is the tradition of kids? That's right, the present hunt.

Kids every christmas and b-day, they try to find their presents. So kids are trained hunters, and the dads know it's all about them finding your porn stash later on when they are ready. Moms know it's all about you (if you're a girl) finding the porn stash so they can be later used for their own benefit. An evil conspiracy, right there!

Stop searching the presents! Leave the stashes alone! A big no no is to put the present on top of the stash. Then again it's the ultimate test if you think your stash is good enough.

[Ted Striker]

I'd self hit it.

[Saras]

[Ted Striker]

[Pekka]

you know its true player..

they do this on purpose.

You learn first to hunt and find.. and then later on you turn yourself into a master. But you see, first, when you're a young man on your own, you just are not good with it first..

Like here's an example WE all know to be true. Someone calls you. It's your mom 'hey honey I'll be there in 10 minutes'. EVEN if you were completely innocent and reading to an exam or something, the first thought in your head is being terrified. You have grown to be your own master and in that path, one of the great perks is to have porn around and not hiding it! You see, at this point you only find it, you don't know how to hide it like your dads.

The realization of you having getting to be so used to the fact that you have your own place and no need for stash immidiately takes control of you. You might have even grown so far, that you don't even realize what's porn anymore! So you quickly raid your own place, try to gather ALL the porn you find and dump them in a closet or something. Anything that gives away the fact that you're a chronic masturbator and porn freak. At the last minute you realize looking around that you STILL have give aways in your place so you do the second sweep.

But it's normal. What makes you a freak is if you leave everything laying around in the sofa and tables when your friends gets over. I mean, it's common courtesy to move that stuff aside, so they don't have to consider the fact that what they just sat on was not wet because of messed up with the bottle of water, but because it was your sweaty butt cheeks that raised the humidity of the place. Because with friends, you have to be a person who thinks their convinience as well.

So at the stage when you are between 18 and 30, you are not well educated about the stashes yet. With numerous cases hiding them fast, you gain experience. You know where you definitely don't want to hide it because some stashes gave you heart beats earlier. You learn that stuff, you become self taught master, just like your daddy. Through time. It's evolution in a way.

[Ted Striker]

You need a weekly column on this stuff.

[Pekka]

and the ladies have no clue how serious business the find and seek plus hide and hope really is. Another example. Your house caughts fire. You're outside looking at it, while the firemen try to put the fire out. You think about all the stuff that is getting burned and you are really pissed off and sad. But then it hits you. What if the only thing that's left, the only thing that doesn't burn is your porn stash? The firemen finds it and laughs, everyone, the whole neighbourhood sees it. And not just one generic magazine, but the obvious time you have put to collect all the filth in the world, and the geniousness of the stash and all the security measures. Now you aren't sad anymore, now you are scared again. That's how strong the bond is to your stash.

And only few people know this, but the 'models' posing for the magazines are also women. So women do not only make the material, but then they give heat for you about it. Now that's a double something, and that's just evil. It's the good old look but don't look!

[Pekka]

And now it's different too with computers. A whole set of new worries for men! I mean, now you have a computer and the internet with tons of porn in it. Every self respecting man has porn on his computer or he's a liar or a weirdo.

It's also very unfortunate that porn business finds it necessary to give extremely descriptive titles to their movies. No matter how you look at it, it's never 'the scent of love' or similar, and no, the specs appeal is not about finding women who wear glasses attractive. So you have these things on your computer, and suddenly, again, someone you know like a relative is in your place 'I need to check my e-mails'. Suddenly the fear strikes in you.

'Did I remember to clear my cache? What if he/she is a slow typer, and they accidentally see in the browers address window a list of all the sites I frequent, with very descriptive names!'. Or what if you leave the room to make coffee, and you find yourself coming back when the person just checks your HD and what it has in it? Did you remember to hide the directory? I bet you didn't...

*Must..find...weird...excuse...now...*, and there's no way you can do it without coming out weird. 'Hey stop touching my computer and let me get there, I need to .. do something RIGHT now and don't watch. Yeah.. right.

And there's a whole new category of pervert with computers too. For example, if you have over 5 movies on it and dial up? You're a pervert. Waiting over 12 hours for a flick, that's just wrong. And at that point, if you accidentally downloaded crappy porn but with very descriptive fetish title, you can't really just delete it, because of all the time you spent downloading it! What if you change your mind? What if you ran all out of porn suddenly? No you need to keep it, adding to your guilt.

With fast connections, it's really not that bad, because eveyone knows you can have a movie in 10 minutes. You are supposed to have few films, or if you have none, it means you download so much fo them that you have to delete them to get more space for new ones. And again, you're a big perv.

It's all complex but it's true.

[Pekka]

And what about the smut shops? Those are the worst! You get instant 'I'm a pervert' stigma when you walk in to one. It's horrible. First, you have to walk in there, and the shop window makes it very clear it's a big porn shop. So you kind of do covert operation and sneak in. You don't want to seem to be a huge perv and run in, you do the normal and try to walk in as if it were a coffee shop. You try to be cool and stuff, but everyone in the streets knows you just went to a porn shop, probably because you're a serial masturbator and the internet is not enough.

Then you get in, and you'd think the worst is over. The fact is getting in was the easy part. You step in and every customer looks at you for a moment. Time of recognition. Great.

There's all kinds of stuff on the shelves. Your eye caughts the lingerie first. What are you doing. It's not like you're buying this stuff to your girlfriend, you don't even know her size/she'd never wear it/she'd buy it herself. Except if you're cross dressing transvestite. Damn, must go forward or they'll think I'm pervert.

Next on shelves, the dildos. You still are not used to seeing dildos just like that on a row, so you automatically check them out, because they're interesting with all sizes and shapes and what not. And now everyone thinks you're checking out dildos for yourself. Damn! Quickly! Move on!

Then you move on to lotions. Hey this is pretty safe. Until the clerk comes next to you 'hey man, what are you looking for, can I help you?'. NO! You can't help me! "I'm looking for the new movie from Italia Perversissimo", you know, everyone then knows your preference, and that's just wrong, besides then everyone thinks you're an expert. No you don't need help get away now!

Ahh finally into the movie section.. Ok and now I'm standing in front of the gay flicks, have to move on... people are watching... and now you can finally start checking the clips you came for.. but there's so many!! You have to pick up them to see the back cover so you know what's really in it. You can't decide and the more time you spend, the more pervert you are. Damn! THere's just no way to win in a porn store now is there?

All the dudes in there are middle aged, and TRULY perverts. They look the part and they act the part. And one is checking you out. Move forward. You're thinking, hey if I'm about to spend 20 bucks on a film, I need to get a good one because I'm not coming here again!

So after about 30 minutes you finally think you found your stuff and you take a deep breath, gathering courage to confront the clerk again. "it's cool, they're WORKING here", you tell yourself. You walk to the counter and you realize there's absolutely nothing you can say like 'been waiting for this the whole summer!' or 'man this is a great deal!', without coming off weird. So you just don't say anything. And thus multiply your stigma of pervert.

Then you realize you're almost home free but you still need to get out of the store, and making a leap of faith because you can't see outside so you could just bump into anyone. Hey maybe it's your mom, coming from the grocery store. But you just walk out, and hope no one saw you.

NOW you are home free. Free to start thinking about that stash!

[C0ckney]

did someone find your porn stash pekka?

[Pekka]

No.

[Az]

You need a weekly column on this stuff.

QFT

[Footie Mad]

Haha thanks for the read. I'm still waiting for your analysis on the moment of being "found out".

[ajbera]

I swear to God, Pekka has become my favorite OT poster. If only we could turn that insane energy towards something useful...

[Adrian Hon]

All of the above

QFT