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Abbott and Costello revisited

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  • #1

    Abbott and Costello revisited

    If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today ...
    Bud Abbott and Lou Costello's infamous sketch "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:
    COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
    COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
    ABBOTT: Mac?
    COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
    ABBOTT: Your computer?
    COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
    ABBOTT: Mac?
    COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
    ABBOTT: What about Windows?
    COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
    ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
    COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
    ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
    COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
    ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
    COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
    ABBOTT: Office.
    COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
    ABBOTT: I just did.
    COSTELLO: You just did what?
    ABBOTT: Recommend something.
    COSTELLO: You recommended something?
    ABBOTT: Yes.
    COSTELLO: For my office?
    ABBOTT: Yes.
    COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
    ABBOTT: Office.
    COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
    ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
    COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
    ABBOTT: Word.
    COSTELLO: What word?
    ABBOTT: Word in Office.
    COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
    COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
    ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
    COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
    ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
    COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
    ABBOTT: Real One.
    COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
    ABBOTT: Of course.
    COSTELLO: Great! With what?
    ABBOTT: Real One.
    COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
    ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
    COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
    ABBOTT: The blue "1".
    COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
    ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
    COSTELLO: What word?
    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
    COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
    ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
    COSTELLO: It is?
    ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
    COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
    ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
    COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
    ABBOTT: Money.
    COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
    ABBOTT: Money.
    COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
    ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
    COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
    ABBOTT: Money.
    COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
    ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
    COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
    ABBOTT: One copy.
    COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
    ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
    COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
    ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
    A FEW DAYS LATER . . .
    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
    COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
    ABBOTT: Click on "START".......
    Where can I found "Who is on first"
    Statistical anomaly.
    The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
    Tags: None
  • #2
    Ask and Ye shall recieve:

    Who's on First? by Abbott and Costello
    http://www.baseball-almanac.com/humor4.shtml
    Who's on First? by Abbott and Costello is brought to you in its entire format by Baseball Almanac including an audio example for you to hear.


    ACK!
    Don't try to confuse the issue with half-truths and gorilla dust!

    Comment

    • #3
      Re: Abbott and Costello revisited

      Originally posted by DAVOUT


      Where can I found "Who is on first"
      Please, because that was painfully unfunny. A cheap knockoff of Abbot and Costello of which I don't think they'd approve.

      Imitation is the sincerest form of plagurism.

      [/joykill]
      "I predict your ignore will rival Ben's" - Ecofarm
      ^ The Poly equivalent of:
      "I hope you can see this 'cause I'm [flipping you off] as hard as I can" - Ignignokt the Mooninite

      Comment

      • #4
        Originally posted by Tuberski
        Ask and Ye shall recieve:

        Who's on First? by Abbott and Costello
        http://www.baseball-almanac.com/humor4.shtml
        Who's on First? by Abbott and Costello is brought to you in its entire format by Baseball Almanac including an audio example for you to hear.


        ACK!
        Thousands thanks.
        Statistical anomaly.
        The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

        Comment

        • #5
          Re: Re: Abbott and Costello revisited

          Originally posted by The Emperor Fabulous


          Please, because that was painfully unfunny. A cheap knockoff of Abbot and Costello of which I don't think they'd approve.

          Imitation is the sincerest form of plagurism.

          [/joykill]
          Although I am able to write extremely bad jokes, this one was found on
          xynext.com/Abbott-Costello
          Statistical anomaly.
          The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

          Comment

          • #6
            ABBOTT & COSTELLO LEARN HEBREW
            by R. Jack Moline

            NOTE:

            In order to appreciate this humor, you need to understand a few
            Hebrew words. In Hebrew:

            #1) Mee means 'Who' in English
            #2) Hu means 'He' in English
            #3) Hee means 'She' in English
            #4) Ma mean 'What' in English
            #5) Dag means 'Fish' in English

            ENJOY! Be prepared to fall off you chair!

            END OF NOTE

            ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.
            COSTELLO: I'm ready to learn.

            A: Now, the first thing you must understand is that Hebrew and English
            have many words which sound alike, but they do not mean the same
            thing.
            C: Sure, I understand.
            A: Now, don't be too quick to say that.
            C: How stupid do you think I am -don't answer that. It's simple-some
            words in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean
            the same.
            A: Precisely.
            C: We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in Hebrew?
            A: No, no. Precisely is an English word.
            C: I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn Hebrew. So
            make with the Hebrew.
            A: Fine. Let's start with mee.
            C: You.
            A: No , mee.
            C: Fine, we'll start with you.
            A: No, we'll start with mee.
            C: Okay, have it your way.
            A: Now, mee is who.
            C: You is Abbott.
            A: No, no, no. Mee is who.
            C: You is Abbott.
            A: You don't understand.
            C: I don't understand? Did you just say me is who?
            A: Yes I did. Mee is who.
            C: You is Abbott.
            A: No, You Misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about mee.
            C: Well, you're a nice enough guy.
            A: No, no. Tell me about mee!
            C: Who?
            A: Precisely.
            C: Precisely what?
            A: Precisely who.
            C: It's precisely whom!
            A: No, mee is who.
            C: Don't start that again-go on to something else.
            A: All right. Hu is he.
            C: Who is he?
            A: Yes.
            C: I don't know. Who is he?
            A: Sure you do. You just said it.
            C: I just said what?
            A: Hu is he.
            C: Who is he?
            A: Precisely.
            C: Again with the precisely! Precisely who?
            A: No, precisely hee.
            C: Precisely he? Who is he?
            A: Precisely!
            C: And what about me?
            A: Hu.
            C: me, me, me!
            A: Hu, hu, hu!
            C: What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?
            A: No, hu is he!
            C: I don't know I maybe he is me!
            A: No, hee is she! (STARE AT ABBOTT)
            C: Do his parents know about this?
            A: About what?
            C: About her!
            A: What about her?
            C: That she is he!
            A: No, you've got it wrong-hee is she!
            C: Then who is he?
            A: Precisely!
            C: Who?
            A: He!
            C: Me?
            A: Hu!
            C: He?
            A: She!
            C: Who is she?
            A: No, hu is he.
            C: I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she?
            A: No, that's not right.
            C: How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here when I
            said it, and I know me.
            A: Hu.
            C: Who?
            A: Precisely!
            C: Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me!
            A: No, hee is she!
            C: Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a little Hebrew,
            and now I can't even speak English. Let me review.
            A: Go ahead.
            C: Now first You want to know me is who.
            A: Correct.
            C: And then you say who is he.
            A: Absolutely.
            C: And then you tell me he is she.
            A & C: Precisely!
            C: Now look at this logically. If me is who. And who is he. And he is
            she. Don't it stand to reason that me is she?
            A: Who?
            C: She!
            A: That is he!
            C: Who is he?
            A & C: Precisely!
            C: I have just about had it. You have me confused I want to go home.
            You know what I want? Ma!
            A: What.
            C: I said Ma.
            A: What.
            Q: What are you, deaf? I want Ma!
            A: What!
            C: Not what, who!
            A: He!
            C: Not he! Ma is not he!
            A: Of course not! Hu is he!
            C: I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care who is he,
            he is she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now and
            play with my dog.
            A: Fish.
            C: Fish?
            A: Dag is fish.
            C: That's all, I'm outa here.
            __________________
            "A person cannot approach the divine by reaching beyond the human. To become human, is what this individual person, has been created for.” Martin Buber

            Comment

            • #7
              @ DAVOUT & lotm.

              Thanks!

              Comment

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