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A plaigerised title, politics, and what I think about stuff.
One issue in this humble universe that will, on past experience, never be resolved, is the debate between those who want more tax and more public spending; generally regarded as the benevolent Robin Hoods of this world, and those who want less tax and more free enterprise; thought the evil, selfish pigs, far too exposed to the cold hard reality of private education and competent literacy for the tastes of the common man. Battles raging and ranging from the great and effervescent conversations through the cubicles in the gents of Northampton Borough Council’s central offices to mindlessly bloody revolutions that provide hours of late night drug-assisted entertainment on the History Channel, have all been fought over this simple issue yet throughout the continual trough of human existence, no better example of this critically asinine debate can be found than on the lethal streets of pre-millennial London. The recent millennium that is, not the old one where the lethality would politely introduce itself to your cerebrum in the shape of a Saxon battle axe, lethal instead in the 1990’s to asthmatics because of the barrage of pollutants stimulating the release of histamines with millions of biological equivalents of an enormously deadly weapon (say, a Saxon battle axe).
Mankind’s ability to damage both itself and others has progressed enormously in the last few hundred years. For most of the bittersweet (or whatever hypohaemia tastes like) history of civilisation, technology was thought mostly to be physical. Heron of Alexandria invented the world’s first steam engine that bears a resemblance to a spinning accountant after realising that his newly ridiculously rich client has moved abroad to a tax (and thus accountant) free country, and a number of other strangely analogised devices than can be thought of as operating on mostly common-sense, mechanical principles. The wheel, the lever, the Eurofighter are all mechanical objects that need constant and repeated iterations of their use to have any significant effect. On the other hand you could have quite happily sat back with a G&T while a large cloud of chlorine did its thing with some poor Germans, wheezing and coughing like Londoners while the British carved themselves some medals. Or even better (and cheaper) would be a vial of some particular biological nasty; an acutely frightening prospect not lost on modern day terrorists, or rather those who dearly love to use the fear of modern day terrorists to their own political ends - impregnating young attractive lawyers and throwing immigrants into the sea for the most part.
Not unlike the speedy humiliation of Heronic accountants or oversexed Home Secretaries, the laws of mathematics will quite quickly and comprehensively laugh the idea of simple, mechanical common sense down into archaeological ridiculum in favour of the smaller and more sophisticated. The smaller and more sophisticated that you get, then the more enemies you’ll smite, the more money you’ll make and the better technology you’ll create which makes the concept of lethality on London’s streets by large, moving (mechanical) objects hopelessly passé and dangerously absurd since small biological pedestrians possess greater kinetic energy and thus killing potential due to the fact that you could travel so much faster on foot than by car.
The universe is humble because the distinctions between physics, biology and chemistry; or indeed any other field preceded or anteceded by them, are ultimately non-existent. Any concept one seeks to create will never be true to its particular noun; just as no Chicken McNugget contains actual chicken. Instead, humans sacrifice the humble virginity of the universe in search of that which is pure and distinct, and consequently the entire intellectual history of the human race has been little more than a glorified, cacophonous penis-size contest where true humility is a man’s ability to be silent and give fantastic oral sex. See the non existent appendix entitled “Women; opinions of”.
The inevitable failure of the free market to make road vehicles park themselves into environmentally-friendly redundancy was the introduction of road tolls in Central London. The basic (due to the general lack of research inherent to 9.45pm on a Thursday evening with a full day of setting up standing orders ahead of one) idea of road tolls is that one pays a few pounds per day to drive in and around a designated area of asthma and communism. This would generate millions of pounds to invest in various initiatives; the underwear (or lack thereof) of young attractive lawyers for the most part, and help to force people out of their cars. The miniscule downward pressure on inflation caused was too insignificant to have any negative effect on the car sales sector that it only warrants mention here to provide an excuse to make more coffee, causing a miniscule positive effect on the coffee sector thus canceling out anything that the Bank of England need worry about. The introduction of road tolls was just in time of course, since car manufacturers are a responsive lot, driven by the needs of the consumer. Whether that is the oil companies or the drivers is an area of much wonderment since stationary cars require considerably less fuel than those tearing down the M1 fleeing Northampton for a blissful eight hours of paid servitude away from that black hole of rampant evangelicals and knee-deep chewing gum.
Indeed, cars were moving so rarely that the needs of the consumer rendered motion obsolete, so designers were beginning to consider cars with no engines, wheels or method of getting from A to B whatsoever – one would simply park ones steel shed in the middle of Oxford Street and spend several hours cursing at pedestrians and praying for road tolls. President Livingstone answered their prayers and now the asthmatics, the oil companies and the idea-starved car designers are breathing a sigh of relief. Indeed the only people who are suffering for road tolls are the very drivers who wanted them in the first place… after all, what kind of Marxist loony would want to pay an extra five pounds a day for the privilege of driving to work?
Self-interest drives this debate of course, much to the cynical pleasure of capitalists and the furious denial of everyone else. Unfortunately for those of us with histamines that just want to be left alone, ‘everyone else’ would have to stop speaking, listening, sensing, or generally regard themselves as conscious self-aware beings in order to achieve altruism since it is they that are speaking and perceiving. In the real world (or rather the humble universe since the real world consists of physics, genitals and little else), the self rather likes the idea of being, in order that it can appreciate it’s wealth – or more to the point force others to appreciate it for them. Skip the following paragraph if you don’t want to see me bore myself.
Being a businesslike part of the human condition, it invests subjectivity in order to acquire senses, which then have to pay the self back with interest that commonly manifests itself as selfishness. Anything that bases itself on perception, experience… so in other words; anything, all starts with the self so true altruism is as impossible as a tracker mortgage whose interest goes down. Indeed the only interest going down is yours, in what you’re currently reading. Self-interest is a rare area of metaphysics since it has actually managed to spawn something useful: the field of Asthmatics; a peculiar combination of economics and mathematics designed to cater for the needs of the most selfish and non-altruistic people in the humble universe; liberals with breathing difficulties who want people to pay to drive around London.
The bus is a curious beast, having evolved from the fact that in the early days of the 20th century, cars were priced out of the grasp of the likes of you and me whereas the savings the internal combustion engine provided made the concept of mass motorised transit irresistible. Needless to say, the poor unfortunate souls who made a living clearing horse droppings from the golden streets o’ London were rather chagrined to be put out of work by this enormous, red horseless carriage; a situation soon resolved since it was precisely their level of qualification required for those who would drive the wretched things. Countless generations of shovelling **** for a living has a nasty effect on ones persona and odour, a deeply unpleasant phenomenon carried down through the generations and every person to place his hands upon the wheel of a bus.
From being the delivery vehicle of the internal combustion engine, and exhaust fumes to places like London, now buses are hailed as the answer to the very problem they introduced in the first place. It is difficult, however, to imagine how a 12-litre engine which carries four people causes less environmental damage than four 1.5-litre Escorts, each with a single occupant.
Not that the bus drivers are complaining of course, for since the introduction of road tolls they been in greater demand only when their forefathers weren’t getting paid for shovelling **** all those decades ago. The point may be upon us in the near future when a bus may carry more people than its engine has cylinders! The savings account of the average bus driver now contains the equivalent of fourteen £10 notes, each of which he greeted with the customary anger and resentment that occurs when you give drivers money. Their anger aside, the work they do is making the streets of London far safer, asthmatics are flocking back to the capital which is pushing property prices ever high, while normal people flee to the North coast of Kent and other countryside locations to escape the absurdity of clean air and rising house prices. Indeed the problem was so bad that my own father recently increased my rent to £200 per month. That may not sound like a lot but it is quite a large increase on £0 per month.
It is, in fact, a percentage increase of infinity, which is significantly above the rate of inflation so interest rates are likely to soar through the roof to compensate. This means that bus drivers will see their savings of £140 grow into nine-figure sums, allowing them all to purchase their own private, tax (and thus account) free atoll meaning that no-one will be driving buses. Congestion will soar, as the alternative to driving to work is now grumpily lazing in the tropics, and so road tolls will have to go up to a point at which it becomes unaffordable for anyone other than a bus driver to get into London and so the entire economy will implode. The inevitable result of this is the outsourcing of jobs to the Pacific for the purpose of shovelling ****.
Left to its own devices we see that economies, like biological systems, will always right themselves, but often not in a way that is favourable to those who take the time to notice it. Whether humans can cause more damage than nature or vice versa is an academic question since the behaviour of both are so similar it is fairly safe to say that one is merely a manifestation of the other. Nature, after all, often emulates humanity when animals start getting smart ideas about building wheels, buses and Eurofighters. If ever we attempt to control our economies, through road tolls or the occasional pogrom, lots of people will complain and the result is rarely any better than if we left it to its own self-destructive devices anyway, which is why the depressing outcome of this article is that we shouldn’t attempt to solve political problems, instead we should simply ignore them until the world comes to an end. It’ll make good TV.
One issue in this humble universe that will, on past experience, never be resolved, is the debate between those who want more tax and more public spending; generally regarded as the benevolent Robin Hoods of this world, and those who want less tax and more free enterprise; thought the evil, selfish pigs, far too exposed to the cold hard reality of private education and competent literacy for the tastes of the common man. Battles raging and ranging from the great and effervescent conversations through the cubicles in the gents of Northampton Borough Council’s central offices to mindlessly bloody revolutions that provide hours of late night drug-assisted entertainment on the History Channel, have all been fought over this simple issue yet throughout the continual trough of human existence, no better example of this critically asinine debate can be found than on the lethal streets of pre-millennial London. The recent millennium that is, not the old one where the lethality would politely introduce itself to your cerebrum in the shape of a Saxon battle axe, lethal instead in the 1990’s to asthmatics because of the barrage of pollutants stimulating the release of histamines with millions of biological equivalents of an enormously deadly weapon (say, a Saxon battle axe).
Mankind’s ability to damage both itself and others has progressed enormously in the last few hundred years. For most of the bittersweet (or whatever hypohaemia tastes like) history of civilisation, technology was thought mostly to be physical. Heron of Alexandria invented the world’s first steam engine that bears a resemblance to a spinning accountant after realising that his newly ridiculously rich client has moved abroad to a tax (and thus accountant) free country, and a number of other strangely analogised devices than can be thought of as operating on mostly common-sense, mechanical principles. The wheel, the lever, the Eurofighter are all mechanical objects that need constant and repeated iterations of their use to have any significant effect. On the other hand you could have quite happily sat back with a G&T while a large cloud of chlorine did its thing with some poor Germans, wheezing and coughing like Londoners while the British carved themselves some medals. Or even better (and cheaper) would be a vial of some particular biological nasty; an acutely frightening prospect not lost on modern day terrorists, or rather those who dearly love to use the fear of modern day terrorists to their own political ends - impregnating young attractive lawyers and throwing immigrants into the sea for the most part.
Not unlike the speedy humiliation of Heronic accountants or oversexed Home Secretaries, the laws of mathematics will quite quickly and comprehensively laugh the idea of simple, mechanical common sense down into archaeological ridiculum in favour of the smaller and more sophisticated. The smaller and more sophisticated that you get, then the more enemies you’ll smite, the more money you’ll make and the better technology you’ll create which makes the concept of lethality on London’s streets by large, moving (mechanical) objects hopelessly passé and dangerously absurd since small biological pedestrians possess greater kinetic energy and thus killing potential due to the fact that you could travel so much faster on foot than by car.
The universe is humble because the distinctions between physics, biology and chemistry; or indeed any other field preceded or anteceded by them, are ultimately non-existent. Any concept one seeks to create will never be true to its particular noun; just as no Chicken McNugget contains actual chicken. Instead, humans sacrifice the humble virginity of the universe in search of that which is pure and distinct, and consequently the entire intellectual history of the human race has been little more than a glorified, cacophonous penis-size contest where true humility is a man’s ability to be silent and give fantastic oral sex. See the non existent appendix entitled “Women; opinions of”.
The inevitable failure of the free market to make road vehicles park themselves into environmentally-friendly redundancy was the introduction of road tolls in Central London. The basic (due to the general lack of research inherent to 9.45pm on a Thursday evening with a full day of setting up standing orders ahead of one) idea of road tolls is that one pays a few pounds per day to drive in and around a designated area of asthma and communism. This would generate millions of pounds to invest in various initiatives; the underwear (or lack thereof) of young attractive lawyers for the most part, and help to force people out of their cars. The miniscule downward pressure on inflation caused was too insignificant to have any negative effect on the car sales sector that it only warrants mention here to provide an excuse to make more coffee, causing a miniscule positive effect on the coffee sector thus canceling out anything that the Bank of England need worry about. The introduction of road tolls was just in time of course, since car manufacturers are a responsive lot, driven by the needs of the consumer. Whether that is the oil companies or the drivers is an area of much wonderment since stationary cars require considerably less fuel than those tearing down the M1 fleeing Northampton for a blissful eight hours of paid servitude away from that black hole of rampant evangelicals and knee-deep chewing gum.
Indeed, cars were moving so rarely that the needs of the consumer rendered motion obsolete, so designers were beginning to consider cars with no engines, wheels or method of getting from A to B whatsoever – one would simply park ones steel shed in the middle of Oxford Street and spend several hours cursing at pedestrians and praying for road tolls. President Livingstone answered their prayers and now the asthmatics, the oil companies and the idea-starved car designers are breathing a sigh of relief. Indeed the only people who are suffering for road tolls are the very drivers who wanted them in the first place… after all, what kind of Marxist loony would want to pay an extra five pounds a day for the privilege of driving to work?
Self-interest drives this debate of course, much to the cynical pleasure of capitalists and the furious denial of everyone else. Unfortunately for those of us with histamines that just want to be left alone, ‘everyone else’ would have to stop speaking, listening, sensing, or generally regard themselves as conscious self-aware beings in order to achieve altruism since it is they that are speaking and perceiving. In the real world (or rather the humble universe since the real world consists of physics, genitals and little else), the self rather likes the idea of being, in order that it can appreciate it’s wealth – or more to the point force others to appreciate it for them. Skip the following paragraph if you don’t want to see me bore myself.
Being a businesslike part of the human condition, it invests subjectivity in order to acquire senses, which then have to pay the self back with interest that commonly manifests itself as selfishness. Anything that bases itself on perception, experience… so in other words; anything, all starts with the self so true altruism is as impossible as a tracker mortgage whose interest goes down. Indeed the only interest going down is yours, in what you’re currently reading. Self-interest is a rare area of metaphysics since it has actually managed to spawn something useful: the field of Asthmatics; a peculiar combination of economics and mathematics designed to cater for the needs of the most selfish and non-altruistic people in the humble universe; liberals with breathing difficulties who want people to pay to drive around London.
The bus is a curious beast, having evolved from the fact that in the early days of the 20th century, cars were priced out of the grasp of the likes of you and me whereas the savings the internal combustion engine provided made the concept of mass motorised transit irresistible. Needless to say, the poor unfortunate souls who made a living clearing horse droppings from the golden streets o’ London were rather chagrined to be put out of work by this enormous, red horseless carriage; a situation soon resolved since it was precisely their level of qualification required for those who would drive the wretched things. Countless generations of shovelling **** for a living has a nasty effect on ones persona and odour, a deeply unpleasant phenomenon carried down through the generations and every person to place his hands upon the wheel of a bus.
From being the delivery vehicle of the internal combustion engine, and exhaust fumes to places like London, now buses are hailed as the answer to the very problem they introduced in the first place. It is difficult, however, to imagine how a 12-litre engine which carries four people causes less environmental damage than four 1.5-litre Escorts, each with a single occupant.
Not that the bus drivers are complaining of course, for since the introduction of road tolls they been in greater demand only when their forefathers weren’t getting paid for shovelling **** all those decades ago. The point may be upon us in the near future when a bus may carry more people than its engine has cylinders! The savings account of the average bus driver now contains the equivalent of fourteen £10 notes, each of which he greeted with the customary anger and resentment that occurs when you give drivers money. Their anger aside, the work they do is making the streets of London far safer, asthmatics are flocking back to the capital which is pushing property prices ever high, while normal people flee to the North coast of Kent and other countryside locations to escape the absurdity of clean air and rising house prices. Indeed the problem was so bad that my own father recently increased my rent to £200 per month. That may not sound like a lot but it is quite a large increase on £0 per month.
It is, in fact, a percentage increase of infinity, which is significantly above the rate of inflation so interest rates are likely to soar through the roof to compensate. This means that bus drivers will see their savings of £140 grow into nine-figure sums, allowing them all to purchase their own private, tax (and thus account) free atoll meaning that no-one will be driving buses. Congestion will soar, as the alternative to driving to work is now grumpily lazing in the tropics, and so road tolls will have to go up to a point at which it becomes unaffordable for anyone other than a bus driver to get into London and so the entire economy will implode. The inevitable result of this is the outsourcing of jobs to the Pacific for the purpose of shovelling ****.
Left to its own devices we see that economies, like biological systems, will always right themselves, but often not in a way that is favourable to those who take the time to notice it. Whether humans can cause more damage than nature or vice versa is an academic question since the behaviour of both are so similar it is fairly safe to say that one is merely a manifestation of the other. Nature, after all, often emulates humanity when animals start getting smart ideas about building wheels, buses and Eurofighters. If ever we attempt to control our economies, through road tolls or the occasional pogrom, lots of people will complain and the result is rarely any better than if we left it to its own self-destructive devices anyway, which is why the depressing outcome of this article is that we shouldn’t attempt to solve political problems, instead we should simply ignore them until the world comes to an end. It’ll make good TV.
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