Bush elected Pope!

[realpolitic]

Catholic Cardinals Stunned!
> > >>
Reported by Willie E. Davis
> > >>
The almost 120 Cardinals from around the world that gathered to choose a successor in the Vatican's Sistine Chapel were stunned and expressed amazement.
> > >>
Cardinal Mohoney the Vatican spokesperson had this to say, "We in the conclave are all shocked. We cast our vote's using these new electronic
voting machines.The results overwhelmingly favored George W. Bush over all the Catholic candidates.
> > >>
The last Pope, John Paul, was a superb linguist, fluently speaking 11 languages; this one can't speak fluently in one language. We just don't know
what to say."
> > >>
The White House has announced that Dick Cheney will assume command as President of the World tomorrow morning, when "W' travels to Rome to begin his duties as Pope.
> > >>
George W. Bush had this to say moments ago as he spoke from the Rose Garden: "I am honored to be the spiritual lighthouse, and the first War
Pope. I promise Evangelical Catho-licks and Prostates alike, that I will be embodied in salvation and fair in the performance of my duties.
> > >>
I am a Unitifier, not a Divide-a-cater. I am obliged to try to save as many lost souls as I can, at least the Devout Wealthy Elite Souls. It is well known that Heaven is a very select place, indeed, it is more exclusive than even the best of country clubs. It is a "members only"
Heaven. I may have to put a fence around it.
> > >>
I will preform miracles in a fair and balanced manner, just as God used to. I'll wipe out people without warning, burn towns of perverts, killing off entire nations, and drown everybody without a ticket to board Noah's Ark.
> > >>
I shall deliver the world from Evil Empires as I unleash the Apocalypse Wrath of Revelations.
> > >>
I will ensure the Rapture and the Reunion with our beloved deceased family members and with our departed purebred pets. I will not allow
those awful Liberal Sissy Homosapiens to marry each other and I will put and end to the Clergy marrying Choirboys.
> > >>
I will lead the Crusades against all them towel-headed heathens demon-possessed voodoo-hoodoo barbarians who's Pseudo-religions that don't
accept Christ as the Light of Democracy, and who worship fake, made-up gods.
> > >>
They shall suffer my Godly Conservative Wrath and I will Destroy them with my Cherubic Armies of Angels and they shall burn for eternity
in Hell, because Me and God don't take no prisoners!

[Kuciwalker]

[Evil Knevil]

cute

[alva]

[child of Thor]

seems a logical choice

[Alex]

that was a good one

[Tuberski]

Very TheOniony.

ACK!

[Ted Striker]

"The last Pope, John Paul, was a superb linguist, fluently speaking 11 languages; this one can't speak fluently in one language. We just don't know what to say."

[chequita guevara]

Bush elected Pope!

(editted for easier reading)


Catholic Cardinals Stunned!

Reported by Willie E. Davis

The almost 120 Cardinals from around the world that gathered to choose a successor in the Vatican's Sistine Chapel were stunned and expressed amazement.

Cardinal Mohoney the Vatican spokesperson had this to say, "We in the conclave are all shocked. We cast our vote's using these new electronic voting machines. The results overwhelmingly favored George W. Bush over all the Catholic candidates.

The last Pope, John Paul, was a superb linguist, fluently speaking 11 languages; this one can't speak fluently in one language. We just don't know what to say."

The White House has announced that Dick Cheney will assume command as President of the World tomorrow morning, when "W' travels to Rome to begin his duties as Pope.

George W. Bush had this to say moments ago as he spoke from the Rose Garden: "I am honored to be the spiritual lighthouse, and the first War Pope. I promise Evangelical Catho-licks and Prostates alike, that I will be embodied in salvation and fair in the performance of my duties.

I am a Unitifier, not a Divide-a-cater. I am obliged to try to save as many lost souls as I can, at least the Devout Wealthy Elite Souls. It is well known that Heaven is a very select place, indeed, it is more exclusive than even the best of country clubs. It is a "members only" Heaven. I may have to put a fence around it.

I will preform miracles in a fair and balanced manner, just as God used to. I'll wipe out people without warning, burn towns of perverts, killing off entire nations, and drown everybody without a ticket to board Noah's Ark.

I shall deliver the world from Evil Empires as I unleash the Apocalypse Wrath of Revelations.

I will ensure the Rapture and the Reunion with our beloved deceased family members and with our departed purebred pets. I will not allow those awful Liberal Sissy Homosapiens to marry each other and I will put and end to the Clergy marrying Choirboys.

I will lead the Crusades against all them towel-headed heathens demon-possessed voodoo-hoodoo barbarians who's Pseudo-religions that don't accept Christ as the Light of Democracy, and who worship fake, made-up gods.

They shall suffer my Godly Conservative Wrath and I will Destroy them with my Cherubic Armies of Angels and they shall burn for eternity in Hell, because Me and God don't take no prisoners!

[Capt Dizle]

Dateline Rome

Pope Georgio the First arrived today to begin his official duties in a hail of protests from South American and African Catholics. Georgio lamented the dissent and pointed to liberal influence.

"I gave them open borders and free trade. What the heck do they expect? Kennedy is a Catholic, right?"

President Select Dick Cheney announced increased funding for the Vatican, and expressed hopes that Georgio would prove a worthy successor for the late Pope John Paul.

"George has been giving it up the arse to all of America for years and we think he is uniquely suited to continue in the best traditions of the Papist cult".

In one of his first offficial acts Georgio christened conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh as Cardinal of Rio Linda, an action hailed by consensus as "an applaudable attempt to reach out to the disaffected soccer Moms of America.

"This shows that the new Pope is a uniter, not a divider", quipped majority leader Tom Delay.

Reports that Georgio was considering granting Vatican condom concession rights to Haliburton was discounted by Church insiders, though many admitted that the controversial firm was "uniquely positioned to provide such vital security services".

First Popess Laura Bush was reportedly seen frolicking in backstreet Vatican haunts with at least two Zimbabwean bishops but rumors that her activites are part of a new, yet unannounced Catholic study into AIDS trasmission rates have not been confirmed.