Court quotes

[Tuberski]

I believe it's been posted before, but if not, enjoy:

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They're things people actually said in court, word for word....

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say:"Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George"

ACK!

[Tuberski]

And I have one I saw on People's Court this week:

Defendant: Then he hit me in the head with his gun.

Judge Milian: He pistol-whipped you?

Defendant: No, he hit me in the head with his gun!



ACK!

[Asmodean]

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Asmodean

[Pekka]

never seen this before, UNLIKE the binary joke in the other thread. Thanks, got some laughs out of it

[Kontiki]

"I'm just not a scholar."

[Pekka]

Kontiki, that one had me laughing hard .. especially the last line "I'm just not a scholar." .. what a joker though..

Also the doctor who says that yeah it's possible if you're practicing law somewhere..

[Boris Godunov]

I have a joke, but it's not court related:

One day a lonely elderly woman decides that she will by a talking parrot to keep her company. She goes to the pet store, finds a lovely bird that the owner promises is very talkative, buys him and heads home.

For hours, the bird just sits on its perch and says nothing. The woman tries to cajole it into speaking, but it won't talk. Finally she offers it a cracker if it will speak to her. It obliged.

"RRAWK, you're ****ing ugly, *****!"

The woman is aghast. She thinks she couldn't have heard it right. She entices it to speak again.

"RRAWK, you're ****ing ugly, *****!"

For the next day she tries to get the parrot to repeat after her and say something else. But it will not, and it will only repeat it over and over.

Fed up, the woman takes the bird back to the pet store and confronts the manager. She complains loudly that all the bird will do is say something terribly obscene. The manager asks to know what, so the woman asks the parrot to speak to her again.

"RRAWK, you're ****ing ugly, *****!"

The store manager apologizes profusely to the woman, explaining that the bird was in their store some time before being bought, and some employee must have taught the bird to say that awful thing.

"Ma'am, I promise you we can fix this. Give me one week, and I will train the bird not to say that. Then you can teach it to say whatever you want."

The woman leaves the bird and then returns one week later. The manager promises her the parrot won't be saying that phrase again, and she can take it home safely.

At home, the woman once again tries to entice the bird to speak. It remains silent, just staring at her. Finally, she gets exhasperated.

"Well?!" she yells at it. "Don't you have anything to say to me?"

The parrot glares at her.

"RRAWK! You know!"

[reds4ever]

I've heard a lot of them before, but they're still funny as f$ck!

[Tuberski]

1 response since I went to work?!?!?

ACK!

[alva]

Posted most of them before, so.

Still good though.

[Tuberski]

Originally posted by alva
Posted most of them before, so.

Still good though.

I said that first.

ACK!

[PLATO]

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

[alva]

Originally posted by Tuberski


I said that first.

ACK!

I figured it was good enough to post say it again.

[Vince278]

How timely. I have jury duty on Monday. If I hear anything funny I'll post it.

[Tuberski]

If you want to get out of it, just keep pulling a Ted Striker.

Do you Believe in the Death Penalty?

I'd hit it!

ACK!