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Universe in Crisis!

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  • #1

    Universe in Crisis!

    DAY 1
    ====

    Phew, a lot has happened in the past 24 hours. Today was definitely a "day of action". So lemme summarize the relevant developments.
    -----------------
    aeturneus, Smuggler's Alliance's Chief Executive of External Affairs, foolishly destroys a starport in his own base sector, resulting in a 25% navhaz and deadly radiation cloud. Smuggler's Alliance had several heavily populated planets in that sector, which are now on their own until the hazards dissipate. Talon Karrde, CEO of Smuggler's Alliance, cannot be reached for comment at this time. (Quote, "but...but...but..."--aeturneus)

    aeturneus launches a photon missile into the home sector of UrbanWittCo and later seizes control of their base planet, Fortress, in the ensuing assault. Talon Karrde is still mysteriously absent from the scene.(Quote, "What, no money in the Citadel? Feldergarb!!"--aeturneus)

    Wittlich counterattacks with a photon missile of his own and momentarily liberates Fortress.

    The Universal News Wire (UNW) is still feverishly trying to track down Talon Karrde.

    aeturneus, ripping off Lucasfilm, "strikes back" and retakes the sector. Wittlich is in retreat. (Quote, "HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!!!!!!!"--Wittlich, cool under fire as usual)

    Talon Karrde is sighted stumbling through the red light district of Terra Prime in his underwear, swinging a frosty mug of spacer ale and singing a merry merchant tune. Before reporters can catch up to him, a squad of corporate security goons come out of nowhere and throw a sack over him. They all disappear in a brilliant white transporter beam to an awaiting vessel in orbit. (Quote, "Awwww..."--disappointed reporters)

    Wittlich holds a press conference, denouncing aeturneus. (Quote, "You ****er, aeturneus!!!"--Wittlich, brave words indeed)

    aeturneus speaks in his defense: "Oh, you mean it wasn't another Foor Axice? Can you verify that, Dan...oh, I mean Maximus Ire? Don't worry, cap'n, your secret identity is safe with me ."

    Urban Ranger denounces aeturneus. Asked about when he will be returning to active duty, he replies, "My ship is broken. I must look for things...things to make it go."

    Talon Karrde speaks: "I did not have sexual relations with that hooker...squid monster...well, whatever the hell it was!"

    The press is camped outside the headquarters of Apolyton Corporation, eagerly awaiting their response to today's events. Burbel is hiding under his desk. (Quote, "Noooooooooooooo...go away! Where's MarkG?!"--Burbel)

    Talon Karrde retracts his earlier statement and makes this announcement: "We are investigating the activities of a rogue agency within Smuggler's Alliance, who to cover up their own incompetence took these actions in defiance of Universal Law. We totally condemn today's violence and strongly urge restraint by all the parties involved. I will be in consultation with the other corps as soon as possible to seek a prompt resolution of this matter. Thank you."
    "People sit in chairs!" - Bobby Baccalieri
    Tags: None
  • #2
    I guess my services will be in high demand for the foreseeable future!

    Keep the news coming Jules!
    Skeptics should forego any thought of convincing the unconvinced that we hold the torch of truth illuminating the darkness. A more modest, realistic, and achievable goal is to encourage the idea that one may be mistaken. Doubt is humbling and constructive; it leads to rational thought in weighing alternatives and fully reexamining options, and it opens unlimited vistas.

    Elie A. Shneour Skeptical Inquirer

    Comment

    • #3
      "Noooooooooooooo...go away! Where's MarkG?!"

      And who put the bubble gum on the bottom of the table? Who!?!

      Comment

      • #4
        Yes, I was rather perturbed with the Smuggler's Alliance... but after reading your press coverage Jules - It actually left me chuckling

        I for one enjoyed your press release Jules, hope to see more in the future!

        PS: UrbanWittCo has since liberated their home sector from the diabolical Smuggler's Alliance.

        To: aeturneus and Talon Karrde:
        You've already polluted / navhaz'ed your own home sector with the evil destruction of that innocent port. UrbanWittco's home sector is NOT up for grabs.

        YOU polluted your own sector, so YOU deal with it!
        ____________________________
        "One day if I do go to heaven, I'm going to do what every San Franciscan does who goes to heaven - I'll look around and say, 'It ain't bad, but it ain't San Francisco.'" - Herb Caen, 1996
        "If God, as they say, is homophobic, I wouldn't worship that God." - Archbishop Desmond Tutu
        ____________________________

        Comment

        • #5
          OK, when's the next news break going to be?

          Why did Aeturneus kill Wittlich?

          Has the sector in question been conquered by Aeturneus again?

          What is Corp #4's opinion of Corp #4's behavior?

          Where for art though, Romeo?

          Comment

          • #6
            WHAT?! I've been killed?!

            hmm, I think i had better logon and check...
            ____________________________
            "One day if I do go to heaven, I'm going to do what every San Franciscan does who goes to heaven - I'll look around and say, 'It ain't bad, but it ain't San Francisco.'" - Herb Caen, 1996
            "If God, as they say, is homophobic, I wouldn't worship that God." - Archbishop Desmond Tutu
            ____________________________

            Comment

            • #7
              Well, I'm not dead, per se. aeturneus did capture my battleship and left me in an escape pod though. So did your "tantrum" make you feel better auturneus?

              Well, aeturneus, I hope you took a big hit on your alignment by attacking me in Fed space. Some people...
              ____________________________
              "One day if I do go to heaven, I'm going to do what every San Franciscan does who goes to heaven - I'll look around and say, 'It ain't bad, but it ain't San Francisco.'" - Herb Caen, 1996
              "If God, as they say, is homophobic, I wouldn't worship that God." - Archbishop Desmond Tutu
              ____________________________

              Comment

              • #8
                DAY 2
                ====

                Fortress is liberated yet again by an overly-pompous Wittlich. (Quote, "I AM THE CHAMPION...I AM THE CHAMPION!!!!!"--Capt. Wittlich, blasting away at S.A.'s puny figs)

                Meanwhile, many alien traders are being slaughtered by the humans. Those still alive decide to form a Universal Action Committee (UAC) called "Traders Like Us" to lobby the Federation for protection. Says Booja Rahatkleuoie, newly-elected president of the UAC, "I dunno about you, but I really like to play with my tentacles!"

                aeturneus hits Wittlich's battleship, who barely makes it to the safety of FedSpace in his escape pod. Smuggler's Alliance sells the empty hull at Spacedock for a tidy sum. (Quote, "aeturneus, you podded my BattleShip!"--Wittlich, ripping off Milton Bradley)

                At the same time, Talon Karrde's ISS warps into UrbanWittCo's home sector and obliterates the defensive figs. Decides against invading Fortress as there are too many figs present. (Quote, "Where do they keep getting all these fighters?!"--Talon Karrde)

                At any rate, Talon Karrde acknowledges that he's sick of the war already due to the impossibility of holding onto Fortress for any given length of time, although admitting that the capture of Wittlich's battleship is an important victory. (Quote, "Well, aeturneus in his infinite wisdom dragged us into this thing. I guess it's up to me to find a way out...as usual."--Talon Karrde)

                Burbel of Apolyton Corp responds to today's events by messing his pants. (Quote, "AETURNEUS WANTS TO KILL MEEEEEE!!!!!!"--Burbel)

                Alas, the "Universe in Crisis!" goes on....
                Last edited by Jules; September 17, 2001, 21:02.
                "People sit in chairs!" - Bobby Baccalieri

                Comment

                • #9
                  hmm... will the formation of the "TLU" constitute a more organized alien presence in the galaxy with planets? And will they carry grudges?

                  Let me elucidate the BattleShip episode

                  Wittlich, having 'liberated' Fortress in a spanky new Correllian Battleship proudly named the "Wittlich II" craftily leaves all except a hundred fighters gaurding his old home sector, where millions of slaves work feverishly on a diet of bread and water to finish the quasar cannon. ("The Feds can't tow me anywheres now! I'm in a Correlian!" - Wittlich of Beverly Hills 1791)

                  He finishes his day and reclines in the back of his massive ship to an evening of revelry and orgiastic celebration. ("You only live once... unless you're a Parvingian, of course!" - Wittlich, musing on the vagaries of evolution)

                  NB: in this galaxy you actually get 3 lives... wittlich was wrong here.

                  Wittlich doesn't realize that his enslavement of millions of colonists has put his experience well over 1000 points. Aeturneus wakes up after another boring episode of "Survivor 6,000: Days and Nights with an Antarean Sloth" and admits he is addicted. He is consoled, however, when he learns from a trusty agent that Wittlich is relaxing in fedspace with 100 fighters and 1001 experience. Firing up the transwarp, he roars over to sector 3 and proceeds to give Wittlich a "royal" hiding for his cheek. ("You only live once..." -aeturneus, ripping off Wittlich)

                  Moving in for the kill, aeturneus powered up his weapons systems, ready to pulverize wittlich's escape pod like the merciless juggernaut he is. In a brilliant flash of light, Captain Zyrain appeared in the nick of time, and warned him that "Frogs and Toads may be edible, but space piracy is strictly prohibited while drinking and driving" thus saving the day, and wittlich, from a grisly end.

                  Tommorow is another day...
                  "There are but two powers in the world, the sword and the mind. In the long run the sword is always beaten by the mind."
                  - Napoleon Bonaparte

                  Visit the Tradewars 2002 Forum

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    Breaking News!

                    This just in to our UNW console:

                    Urban Ranger and Wittlich are on the rampage, both in merchant freighters, destroying any and all toll fighters belonging to Smuggler's Alliance that they come across. I believe we have Capt. Wittlich on our screen now...hello, Mr. Wittlich...

                    {an extremely disheveled and wild-eyed Wittlich appears on screen from the bridge of his merchant freighter, pushing buttons and vaporizing toll figs; oddly enough, the Klingon battle theme from Star Trek The Motion Picture can be heard blaring in the background}
                    "KILL...KILL...KILL...!!!!!"

                    Uhm, Mr. Wittlich, what do you hope to accomplish by this action?

                    {a maniacal grin forms on Wittlich's face}
                    "AETURNEUS WILL DIE...YES, I WILL SEE TO THAT!!!!!"
                    {crazy laughter follows as Wittlich continues pushing buttons}

                    I see...well, the CEO of Smuggler's Alliance, Talon Karrde, had this to say:
                    {mocking tone} "Ooooooh! Big man taking on puny toll fighters! Wow, I'm scared!"

                    Uh-huh...and we'll bring you more live coverage of this breaking story as it continues to develop. So stay tuned....
                    "People sit in chairs!" - Bobby Baccalieri

                    Comment

                    • #11
                      From Interstellar Press (IP) news agency


                      Chairman Executive Outcomes responds on fighter turkeyshoot


                      Due to the continued onslaught by UR and Wittlich on toll fighters Executive Outcomes (EO) has released the following statement by hyperwire:

                      UNTIL NOW EO HAS REMAINED NEUTRAL IN CONFLICT STOP
                      HOWEVER EO FIGHTERS DESTROYED BY UR STOP
                      OBVIOUS THAT UR AND WITTLICH APPLY FORCE WITHOUT DISCRIMINATION STOP
                      EO WILL USE ALL MEASURES TO REMOVE THIS THREAT STOP
                      EXPECT RETALIATIONS ON SHORT NOTICE STOP
                      Skeptics should forego any thought of convincing the unconvinced that we hold the torch of truth illuminating the darkness. A more modest, realistic, and achievable goal is to encourage the idea that one may be mistaken. Doubt is humbling and constructive; it leads to rational thought in weighing alternatives and fully reexamining options, and it opens unlimited vistas.

                      Elie A. Shneour Skeptical Inquirer

                      Comment

                      • #12
                        Press release from UrbanWittCo

                        We (UrbanWittCo) understand how our actions over the past few days might look to all of the good and fair Traders in the universe.

                        Our actions, that being - the targeting of Smuggler's Alliance Toll fighters, is ONLY directed towards that diabolical Corporation - The Smuggler's Alliance (SA).

                        In the past, we allowed SA toll fighters to stay and paid the required toll. Since the invasion of our home by SA, intelligence has indicated that these seemingly unobtrusive "Toll Fighters" are NOT Toll fighters but rather, "platforms" which allowed SA to use their ISS's to invade and rape our home. This is a warning to one and all - UrbanWittCo's home sector was just the first to be invaded by SA. If nothing is done to stop SA's aggression, more Corporations will be attacked and their assets seized by SA forces.

                        After careful consideration, UrbanWittCo decided that these platforms must be removed.

                        If SA wishes to open diplomatic discussions concerning these well founded attacks on their "Toll Fighters," we (UrbanWittCo) are always open to negotiations. UrbanWittCo will stop its aggression against SA ONLY after SA lifts its siege against our planets in sector 1791. UrbanWittCo has not bothered SA's home in sector 1515. UrbanWittCo's only demand is that SA withdraws from UrbanWittCo's home in sector 1791.
                        Executive Outcomes - Please look at all the evidence and circumstances involving the current crisis before making a decision on who you are willing to support (if anyone). UrbanWittCo's current actions are in response to SA's aggression, which is aimed at destroying UrbanWittCo's right to exist in a fair and honorable universe. If EO's home sector were invaded by force, we believe EO's response would most likely be harsher than what UrbanWittCo has responded to SA's aggressive behavior.

                        EO, we humbly request you weigh all the facts prior to joining forces with SA in their campaign to rid the universe of all competition.
                        Last edited by Wittlich; September 18, 2001, 17:07.
                        ____________________________
                        "One day if I do go to heaven, I'm going to do what every San Franciscan does who goes to heaven - I'll look around and say, 'It ain't bad, but it ain't San Francisco.'" - Herb Caen, 1996
                        "If God, as they say, is homophobic, I wouldn't worship that God." - Archbishop Desmond Tutu
                        ____________________________

                        Comment

                        • #13
                          Thus spoken the low man on the totem pole

                          As the Assistant to the Excutive Sanitation Engineer of the UrbanWittichCo, it is in my pompous opinion that the Smugglers' Alliance's unprovoked invasion of our home sector is a declaration of war. Thus all assets of said company is open to seizure and destruction as we see fit.

                          This course of action will be maintained until UrbanWittlichCo has reached a ceasefire agreement with Smugglers' Alliance.
                          (\__/) 07/07/1937 - Never forget
                          (='.'=) "Claims demand evidence; extraordinary claims demand extraordinary evidence." -- Carl Sagan
                          (")_(") "Starting the fire from within."

                          Comment

                          • #14
                            Originally posted by CapTVK
                            From Interstellar Press (IP) news agency

                            Chairman Executive Outcomes responds on fighter turkeyshoot
                            It appears that the destruction of Executive Outcomes' assets in the galaxy by UrbanWittlichCo is entirely inadvertent.

                            Backdoor diplomatic efforts are underway.
                            (\__/) 07/07/1937 - Never forget
                            (='.'=) "Claims demand evidence; extraordinary claims demand extraordinary evidence." -- Carl Sagan
                            (")_(") "Starting the fire from within."

                            Comment

                            • #15
                              Originally posted by CapTVK

                              [B] HOWEVER EO FIGHTERS DESTROYED BY UR STOP
                              After researching the incident involving EO Fighters and Urban Ranger's ship, it is clear that UrbanWittCo's attack on these EO assets was an accident. Urban Ranger's targeting console was malfunctioning at the time and wrongly identified these fighters as belonging to SA. We realize that this is not a good reason for UR's mistaken attack on your assets.

                              UrbanWittCo is prepared to pay for the loss of these assets to EO.
                              ____________________________
                              "One day if I do go to heaven, I'm going to do what every San Franciscan does who goes to heaven - I'll look around and say, 'It ain't bad, but it ain't San Francisco.'" - Herb Caen, 1996
                              "If God, as they say, is homophobic, I wouldn't worship that God." - Archbishop Desmond Tutu
                              ____________________________

                              Comment

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