SNESA - SKILORDS Never Ending Stories Apolyton

[Samuel Johnson]

Camel Hussein sat back in his comfy chair, holding the cigarette between his fingers the way those evil guys did on the Nazi movies. BZZZZTTT. Camel jumped up and the cigarette went flying up in the air and fell back down right below his crotch. Camel jumped up and down in his chair, screaming like a little girl and flicked at the butt. BZZZZTTT. "Ooooh," Camel looked at the burn mark in his Corinthian Leather comfy chair, "Daaaaamn, man." BZZZZAAATTTT. "Oh what the fu---."

He snapped his hand at the intercom on the desk. "What the m*S*D*F@#$ is it?"

"Sir, turn on CNN. Now."

"Peons. Can't live with them..." He reached for remote and immediately his jaw dropped.

10 minutes later as that friggin' elf, Kristiane Amanpour, came on to analyze the tape, Camel reached under his jaw and moved it back up.

"The old f***** doper! and his stupid doper friends!!!" Camel railed at the ceiling and cursed the man who named him after his mother. "Don't they know that I'm the one who is in charge of this country?!?!"

Just then the phone rang.

[Samuel Johnson]

Ok, guess I'll take Iraq. Hope no one minds that I've named the Iranian and the Egyptian. I'll keep Halie Sellasie as my sidekick, though, since Ethiopia isn't in the game.

[civman2000]

GNN Breaking News:

In a press conference about the Jihad scandal, Foreign Minister Jerry Pattison suddenly began screaming and crying as President Ana answered a question. He said something about a "lunatic," the Badn of the Jihad, "ruining the coutry," and "employing--"

The report was suddenly cut off and all that came out of GNN for the next 28 hours was static.

THe next day, Arky Morton led his army into Lima, the last stronghold and capital of the Martian Empire. He then declared his allegiance to be with Guyana on international television.

Meanwhile, in GEorgetown, the Guyana Congress began impeachment proceedings against the president.

[Rotten999]

"Dear irresponsible wicked infidels, if we could have a nuclear device to smite the devils of the world, including you, we'd be very grateful." Beria tossed the letter on Aronovich's desk. "It goes on like that for ten more pages."

"Well it's tempting." Ivan crumpled up the papers and deposited them in the his trash bin. "So you say these people are now involved in the Aztec situation somehow?"

"Do you think we could use this as an excuse to, ahem, appropriate some territory into our nation? We could use that oil." Beria sneered.

"Maybe. We've got a rebellion situation in India that might be worth looking into first. Marxists rebels are fighting the Indian government in this region." Beria pointed at the tactical map. Aronovich strained to get a better look.

"Veitnam, eh? Interesting. Perhaps they need advisors..."

[civman2000]

new map with martians conwuered completely:

[civman2000]

The tanks, though primitive, were unstoppable as the marched into Georgetown, blasting the Congessional Complex to dust and enforcing the martial law and state of emergency dclared by President Ana.

There has been a military coup, Guyana's government is now despotism!

[Samuel Johnson]

Camel picked up the phone. "Yes, yes... of course, yes, I know."

Damn that was Mubarek - I assume Khatemi will be calling me next. Better get the advisors together.

He snapped his fingers three times. Smartly. Then, he stroked his goatee evilly and looked in this mirror.

The mirrored panels in the back of his office, immediately opened up and his advisors rushed into the paneled room.

"My father and his retired friends have caused a major brouhaha. Domestic: report."

The goateed advisor looked down at her clipboard. "Wel, 18% support planting nuclear devices in all the capitals of all the countries we hate...which is everyone (except for Egypt and Persia). Another 39% think its the dumbest idea since the Tower of Babel. And..." She looked up. Camel raised his eyebrows, threw his hands apart and jutted his forehead at her. "Well?"

"And the remaining, um, 43% want to know who Halie Selasie's connection is."

Camel rolled eyes and then regained his composure. He lit a cigarette and held it like he was practicing earlier.

"Um...what's your face? Science, is it? What's up, dude?"

The mousey goateed Science dude. "Um, we're like years away from developing a nuke. But..." He held up some screws and pipes. "I do have some replaceable parts. Look, they all screw in together and, we don't like have to always wait real long to fix our tractors and guns."

Camel looked skeptically at him. "Um, that's, um, very nice. Er. WHAT THE F&&&& ARE YOU DOING TO ME. I NEED NUKES NOW!!!"

Science guy shrank back. "Have you asked Egypt?"

Camel then turned to his trade advisors. "What the f&** are you doing here? Get out of here and go make some money!!!"

"Sheesh."

General Raffsanjani tweaked his mustache. Camel turned to him, "General!" "Yes Sir" "Where's your goatee??" "Um, I thought this might look more ricky suave, y'know? With the ladies?" "Whatever, um how is our military."

The General stood up at attention. "Sir, we are ready to carry out your plans." Camel rolled his eyes. "I mean have we made any upgrades recently?" "Sir, we need lots of gold to upgrade our riflemen and cannon, Sir."

Camel leaned back in his chair. "Ouch!!!" The cigarette had burned down to his hand. He cursed his four legged mother.

[civman2000]

map with alliances color coded!

[Samuel Johnson]

Camel looked around the room. "Um, where's the foriegn guy?"

"Son, wher'es the bottle opener?" Saddam came into the room, his large tank top just barely covering his beer belly.

Camel turned around and whined, "Daa-aad, I'm having a cabinet meeting."

"You know, son, when you do that you look like Pee Wee Herman with a goatee?"

Camel gestured at his cabinet.

"Son, I know that they said you were ready to come home but I think we're going to need to call that hospital again and take you and your little friends here back."

"DAd, you promised." Saddam looked arond the room for he bottle opener. His eyes lit upon the General.

"General, what the f*** are you doing here?"

The General look sheeplishly at his spit-shined shoes. "Sir, well, um, you never have cabinet meetings and I wanted to see what it was like."

Saddam rolled his eyes. "Look, why don't you come down to the clubhouse. Halie Selasi and I want to, um, show you something."

"Camel, carry, er, on."

Saddam walked out of the room, clasping the General on his back. "What a f***ing loon. Probably gets his from his mother. She was always so skittish. Nice mustache, man. Have you considered a fu manchu?"

[SKILORD]

The Canmadian prime minister lay back in his chair, he had nothing to worry about, with an Active NATO member to the south he might but as thins are.....


Iraq = Persia or Babylon?

[Metaliturtle]

Ah Mack the Pollack finally begins his reign as Polish monarch. His first order of business? PORKING HOT CHICKS!!! What!? THERE ARE NO HOT CHICKS IN POLAND?! GRRRR, PREPARE THE ARMY FOR AN INVASION OF SWEDEN, we need some chicks with meatballs if you know what I'm saying.

The polish army climbed into their submarines, and transports. Unfortunately, the Polish are a cheap nation, all that happened was their subs with screen doors sank, and their transports built from old sieves leaked like, well, a sieve.

NEW PLAN!! Get into the Chevy and buy a ton of beer, if we can't steal women, we might as well get all drunk so that we can stand to pork our own.

[Samuel Johnson]

Iraq = Bablyon.

[Metaliturtle]

thanks for the clarification

[Samuel Johnson]

Six months later, 80 km south of Al Kut.

As they came around the bend in the hills overlooking a large tributarie that ran between the Tigris and Euphrates, Saddam turned to his advisors and held his arms up to heaven. "Now, you know why they call it the fertile crescent."

The aides, all wearing the same mustache removed their pince-nez sunglasses in unision, bent slightly forward and boggled their already boggled eyes so hard that one could write "boggle" in 12 pt font on their eyeballs. Saddam grinned in delight at the effect.

He looked down on his latest, greatest creation. Ol' Nebuchadezzar would have been proud. He had built the modern hanging gardens. For spread out below them for at least 30 km, were fields upon fields of marijuana.

The domestic advisor sputtered, "but, but sir, what happened to all the spice farms?" Saddam waved his hands. "Gone, off to join the infantry, I imagine. My good friend Halie Sellasie provides all the labor from Ethiopia." He turned to the trade minister and said, "there's a bug in the tradng system that we are going to exploit to get this evilly good stuff into the market."

General Rafsanjani, also wearing the pince-nez and his mustache styled into a fu manchu exclaimed, "excellent! With the money we can upgrade our army quicker, buy more bombers and invest more research into building carriers and submarines. People have laughed at our army for years but I envision a new elite corps of infantry called... The Republican Guard. I even have a new uniform dreamed up"

Saddam worked his fu manchu. "Republican? Thing of something better and start training some spies. And I wanted to ask you about our current research. Shouldn't we be spending our meager resources on atomic theory, if we are to get the bomb?"


Rasanjani did a double take. Shouldnt he be talking to Egypt about this?

"Now where is that tiny woman? I'm ready for my interview."

[Samuel Johnson]

Kristiane Amanpour put on her lipstick and shook her hair out in the mirror like Farah Fawcett. "MAAAAKEUP!!" she screamed in that little doll with a cigarette habit voice of hers. The CNN makeup crew appeared immediately and fearfully touched the tiny hag up and then obsequiously bowed and walked backwards out of her dominion.

Tonight would be her crowning acheivement. Interviewing the man many thought to behind the great Band of Jihad nuclear bomb conspiracy. Although each of the Band of Jihad had claimed the tape CNN ran six months ago was faked, the whole world seemed to have turned against them ... which was why she and the intellecutual elites of the world now saw Iraq as an oppressed peoples dominated by the cruel imperialistic hegemons and she was only too happy to slant this interview in that way. In fact, Saddam was now such a sympathetic figure in the global media and elite circles that she even fantasized about licking his boots on live TV just to show her solidatarity with the disenfranchised Iraqis. I bet he wears big, old, ugly army boots, too, she mused and licked her lips.

If only Saddam, the old doper, could make it through the interview without making a jackass out of himself...