Announcement

**Pavlov** · August 20, 2002, 11:49

Part 2: The porridge thickens

Anno Domine 1493

1 January:
I was standing next to the Grand Duke right inside the doors that lead to the main balcony. He was preparing for his new years speech. Outside the crowd was both applauding and screaming insulting remarks.

Grand Duke: "I don't know if I can handle this. I mean, what should i say were our acccomplishments in 1492?"

Me: "Well, for one we instituted a tax collector here in Florence."

Grand Duke: "That's all?"

Me: "Yes, I guess so. Sorry."

Grand Duke: "So what should I say then?"

Me: "Just say something about the good things that will happen next year."

Grand Duke: "What good things?"

Me: "Just improvise, Sire"

I opened the doors to the balcony and pushed the Grand Duke out. Then I quickly shut the doors and started listening to his speech.

Grand Duke: "Greetings fellow members of the great state of Tuscany!" The crowd roared. "The year that is coming will be even greater then the previous one." Good, I thought to myself, he's going for a cliché speech. "In front of us lies great victories on the field of battle." WHAT!? "We will gain money and glory through a campaign greater then all previous campaigns on this peninsula." The crowd was silent. This was something new. "It's just a nightmare" I told myself. The Grand Duke continued: "I can't promise you a fast and bloodless victory," The crowd started booing. "Alright, I can promise you a fast and bloodless victory!" The crowd started cheering. "This will be the first page in story of the empire of Tuscany! Thank you, and God bless Tuscany!" The Grand Duke walked back inside with the cheer of the people practically pushing him back.

Me: "What in the name of God were you talking about, Sire!?"

Grand Duke: "I merely did as you told me to, Lord Numbskull."

Me: "My name is actually Nocardia and I told you to improvise, not to declare war!"

Grand Duke: "Oh please, you heard those cheers, they love it!"

Me: "Grrrrrrr"

Grand Duke: "Stop that! I want you to draw up plans for war against...oh, pick a country yourself."

Me: "When do you want this war against someone, Sire?"

Grand Duke: "Let's say next year."

Me: "But you just promised them a war during this year."

Grand Duke: "Damn, you're right. Well, you can solve that. I'm going fishing with my dear friend, the Venetian Doge. We're going to Crete."

Me: "He's not your dear friend, he tried to kill you during your last fishing trip."

Grand Duke: "Nonsense! That gun went off by accident."

Me: "And what about the poison in your food?"

Grand Duke: "A mix-up in the kitchen, no doubt."

Me: "And the hand-grenade in your bed?"

Grand Duke: "Enough with your questions! I will be back on the first of April and expect the preparations to be ready by then. Understood?"

Me: "We will work as fast as we can, Sire!"

The day after the Grand Duke had left everyone in the council went on vacation. I came back on the tenth of January just to get my swimming-trunks. While stopping by at the office I saw a note saying that the Turk had made peace with the Mamelucks. They received the province of Judea and the enormous sum of 0 ducats.

16 March:
Today I got back from my holiday and remembered that the Grand Duke was coming back on the first of April. I panicked. My first action was to send the army to Luca. That way I could show the Grand Duke I had made something. I spent plenty of time evaluating or different options. Two options to be precise. Either we could attack the Papal states and thus the French alliance. Or we could attack Modena and break our own alliance. It wasn't a hard choice. If we were fast we could be able to force a favourable peace onto the Pope. I spent one day inspecting our army. It is led by a nobleman, General Uffreducci. He is an expert on sieges, a skill that may come in handy. We have eight thousand infantrymen, a thousand cavalrymen and ten cannons. My spies tell me that Pope has about the same forces at his disposal.

This is my plan: The army will march onto Emilia and there they will engage the enemys main forces. After beating them they will quickly capture the province. Then they will march on Romagna. After taking that province we will offer our demands to the Pope. We want at least the province of Emilia. My hope is that we will be able to stun the French alliance. If we can stop the French from landing in Tuscany we have a good chance of winning. Before the war can start we will however secure our financial basis by increasing our presence in Venice.

24 March:
Totally exhausted after my hard work on the war preparations I receive the news that somepeople have joined some other peoples alliances. Nothing that interests me. I think I'm going on vacation again before the Grand Duke gets back. This time I think Greece will be nice. Their king likes me since I won the lambada-contest in Athens.

1 September:
I receive a message from my personal secretary Daniel, not to be confused with my personal assistant and hangman Silvio. He tells me that two merchants have been sent to Venice. Excellent.

8 September:
Since I am a bit bored of fun in the sun I oraganize the wedding between Silvio and a Greek princess. Of course I tell them that Silvio is a nobleman. Stupid Greeks.

1 October:
Now that I'm back in Florence I hear that the mercants sent to Venice were almost totally successful. One one of them started his business there but the other one got in a fight with a Hungarian dung-salesman. Both of them were sent to there respective homes.

1 January 1493:
We sum up yet another year. Preparations on the upcoming war have been moving along but otherwise we've mainly been avoiding the Grand Duke who still is very upset about the fact that he didn't catch any fish.

**Pavlov** · August 20, 2002, 11:53

Part three: boom! bam! bash!

The war of an idiot

1 January 1494
Preparations begin for the future war against the Papal states. We begin recruiting four thousand infantrymen in Luca. Total cost is 36 ducats. I fear that that won't be enough. I spoke with the Grand Duke regarding the issue.

Me: "Good morning, Sire."

Grand Duke: "What do you want?"

Me: "I have a suggestion, why don't we borrow money and buy some cannons? That will greatly increase our chances of winning the war."

Grand Duke: "Hmmm. Does that mean that we have to pay the money back later?"

Me: "Unfortunately. But we can probably steal some money from the Pope, if we win the war."

Grand Duke: "Great! How about a game of table tennis?"

Me: "I'm a bit busy right now, sorry.

1 March
The recruiting process in Luca is now complete.

2 March
One of our scientists give me some news on a new invention.

Scientist: "Good news, Mylord!"

Me: "What is it then?"

S: "We have invented this" He holds up something that looks like a sock, only smaller.

M: "So, what is it?"

S: [Blushing] "It is a...you put it on your mumble-mumble"

M: "Mumble-mumble?"

S: "You know, your you-know-what."

M: "Ooh. Why?"

S: "I believe it can reduce the chances of different *cough* diseases."

M: "I see. What do you call it then, doctor Condom?"

S: "I don't know."

1 April
We take a loan on 200 ducats from the bankers of Milano. We will repay it in five years. A large part of the money is spent on buying cannons. [OOC: 43 ducats each! Aagh!]

4 April
The Pope announces a treaty, the treaty of Tortillas or something. He thinks he's so high and mighty. We'll show him.

3 May
Two merchants are sent to Venice.

1 June
A flattering letter is sent to the king of France.

"Your royal highness. You are probably the smartest man on earth. You could have every woman you want to. We worship you."

Unfortunately they aren't to impressed. [OOC: Relations up to +153]

3 June
Our business in Venice is expanded. An Austrian salesman of "dirty" novels is sent packing home. His goods are confiscated and taken to the Doge's palace.

1 Augusti
The army is now almost completely prepared. We have thirteen thousand infantrymen, one thousand cavalrymen and thirty cannons. Everything is under the command of General Uffreducci, our contrys foremost expert on sieges. The army will now spend some days training and preparing.

1 november: War! At last the army begins moving onto Papal territory. I am writing this on my horse, riding next to the General. The Grand Duke assigned me to making sure that things are done according to his will. The declaration of war was delivered by me earlier today.

Me: "By the way, Lord Gritti, we declare war on you."

Lord Gritti, the Papal ambassador: "What!? How can you do such a thing!"

M: "Quite easy. Now get out or I will have you hung."

LG: "But wait a minute, I thought we were friends?"

M: "I guess not, you pompous ****. Guards! Arrest this man!"

The war declaration created some unrest within the clergy. Damn fools! I hope they don't incite rebellious thoughts into the peasants.[OOC: Stability to 0]

I am also sad to note that not a single one of the Popes allies betrayed them.

21 November
We have finally reached the Province of Emilia. My spies tell me that the Papal armies escaped us in a matter of days. They have fled into Romagna.

23 November

Me: "I'm tired of this sieging thingy. When will things pick up general?"

Uffreducci: "Some sieges can take years, mylord."

M: "Booooorring. Can't you storm or something?"

U: "I don't know if that is the smartest thing to..."

M: "Storm I tells ya!

The men rush against the scarred walls and begin to to climb over.

4 December
After a long and hard battle the city is ours. We will move on to Romagna immediately.

14 December
Scouts tell me that the Popes army has begun a siege on Florence. Those naive sods.

25 December
We have reached the province of Romagna. Since the General was asleep when we arrived I ordered an immediate rush at the small fortress.

29 December
An army from Savoy lands in Luca. I hope that an army from France isn't coming with them.

2 January 1495
Our men fought like lions and the Papal garrison fought like frogs. The province is ours.

We hold peace talks with the Pope in Rome. He refuses giving up the province of Emilia. Looks like we have to convince him the hard way. We move on Rome, the eternal city.

22 January
We have reached the walls of Rome. On top on one of the walls I can see the Pope himself.

Pope: "Hey Lord Badbreath! You chicken. I bet you don't have the guts to storm this city."

Me: "What!?"

P: "Go on, I dare ya!"

M: "Charge!!!"

After four days of horrific battle, during which I observed the fighting from my tent, Rome has fallen. I gave the Pope my revenge, he had two wild horses attached to his testicles and was dragged through the streets of Rome. Luckily he survived,

2 February
We had plundered the city of Rome for days when it was time for peace talks. The talks were held in a tent outside of Rome.

Me: "Welcome, your holiness. You look a bit uncomfortable, is anything wrong?"

Pope: [Extremely high-pitched] "Watch it!"

M: "He he. These are our demands: the provinces of Romagna and Emilia plus the entire Papal treasury."

P: "I don't know..."

M: "Either you accept it or we will kill the entire population of Rome."

P: "So?"

M: "Including you."

P: "We accept your demands."

Peace, peace at last! I follow the victorious Tuscan army to Romagna. From there I move on to Florence.

Me: "I'm reporting back from the war, Sire."

Grand Duke: "Great! Good work and all that!"

M: "Thank you, Sire."

GD: "How was the Pope?"

M: "He was...castrated."

GD: "I beg your pardon!?"

M: "Nothing."

The war of an idiot was over

**Pavlov** · August 20, 2002, 11:56

That's it for today, kids. I warn you though, I have twentyfive more of these.

I noticed now there were tons of typos in the text but I hope you can look past that.

Some feedback would be nice, just for fun.

**Heresson** · August 20, 2002, 14:32

Interesting and ejoyable, but so looooooooooooooo
oooong that I'll have to save it and read it all after leaving
the web.

**Pavlov** · August 20, 2002, 14:38

Cheers, Heresson. I spose it could be hard for modem-users. Wouldn't want to pay money every minute just to read a geeky AAR.

**Heresson** · August 20, 2002, 20:57

I begged my parents not to install internet access
because it would ruin my life. I was right. But they did that.
moreover, they installed modem... After several years of complaining they decided to change that a bit -but only when I have already moved to my study town, and not a stable connection, but some strange abonament for 30h/week, which costs more than a stable connection. I do not understand my parents.
Sorry, haven't read that yet. I'm not soing anything that I should, I'm just playing and playing as Venice...
Well, it was only now that I discovered that You can attack
forts instead of slow and sometimes just worthless (if a province isn't able to support enough big armies) siege

I would have everything much easier if I knew about that earlier.

**Heresson** · August 21, 2002, 10:18

Now I have read it all.
my favourites are GD at the balcony,
Pomeranian map exchange and pope's reply to your slaughter threat

**Galvatron** · August 21, 2002, 12:02

I'm paying a fixed charge at the end of each month

so I can afford it to stay logged on a long time and read all your interesting stories hope this tradition will continue.

**Pavlov** · August 21, 2002, 15:29

Whee! Two readers! I'll post two more updates just to annoy the hell out of you modem-users.

**Pavlov** · August 21, 2002, 15:36

Part four: (insert funny description here)

2 March
I decide to send two more traders to Venice. More income wouldn't be bad.

25 March
Three interesting news:
1. Sweden has joined the Danish alliance. Seems like they want to continue to be ruled from Copenhagen.

2. An old fisherman on our Adriatic coast told me that he had sighted the Papal navy cruising about in the Adriatic. Apparentely they have fallen to piracy and now annoy the Venetian trade-ships. I hope that they remain unhurt until we can gather them later. Right now it would be too expensive to construct a navy.

3. It's my birthday! Huzzah! A great party will be held later tonight at my villa. Everyones invited. Not. Only people who can pay the ticket costing 10 ducats will be allowed in. Trespassers will be killed. Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me...

1 April
Some man from Persia tells me that the government in Isfahan have been overthrown. Must be an April fools joke.

2 April
The traders we sent to Venice failed. They weren't let into the trading house because they didn't match up to the "dresscode". The Venetians sent me a bill on 14 ducats for "Travel, lodging and whores". Nuts.

3 April
Lord Nocardia's office

Scientist: "Good morning, mylord."

Me: "What do you want? I'm busy."

S: "We have a new invention."

M: "What is it?"

S: "This!" He holds out a spheric object made out of leather.

M: "So what do you do with it?"

S: "We load it in our cannons and fire it at our enemies."

M: "But it is so light. It won't hurt anyone."

S: "Ah, but the enemy doesn't know that, does he?"

M: "So?"

S: "They will think it is a cannonball and flee as fast as their feet can carry them!"

M: "What's it called?"

S: "A football."

M: "I think I have a better idea..."

The throne room. The Grand Duke is sitting by himself and being bored.

Grand Duke: "God, I'm bored! I mean I'm so bored that even the most bored man on earth isn't as bored as me. I'm..."

Me: (Bursting through the doors) "Grand Duke! I have fun news!"

GD: "How dare you interrupt me while I'm working with state affairs!"

M: "I heard you talking from the other side of the doors."

GD: "Damn. What do you want anyway?"

M: "See this? It is a football. You kick on it. The object of the game is to put the football between two poles."

GD: "That sounds fun. How many does it take to play?"

M: "Let's make it ten. And a person to guard the poles."

GD: "A poleguard?"

M: "Exactly!"

GD: "Gather a team. I will be the star, the person who puts the ball between the poles!"

M: "Yes, Sire."

So I gathered a team of the strongest and quickest of the nobility in Florence. In an attempt to improve relations with the Spaniards we send them the secret of the football. They even sent a team from Spain to play against our team. We won, of course, after Silvio cut the ears of the Spanish poleguard. Those Spaniards will never be able to play football I tell you.

A wind of terror blows through Europe...

The news arrived on the twentyfirst of July. France had declared war on England over the province of Calais. All of France's allies: Bretagne, Savoy, Navarra and Poland-Lithuania. Even the Papal states followed in. I don't know if they will live through this war...

On the English side was Spain, Naples, Kurpfalz and the Mameluck "empire". An interesting piece of information was that Milano dishonoured the alliance. That means that they are all alone.

When the news arrived, the council held an urgent meeting.

In the councilroom. Lord Frochuai has the word. Noone in the council trusts him since his father came from France.

Lord Frouchai: "I urge that the realm of Tuscany makes a stand for France and fight on their side! We should attack Naples at once!"

Me: "We could do that. Or we could go to lunch. My treat. I ask for a vote."

Councilmen (except Lord Frouchai): "LUNCH! LUNCH! LUNCH! LUNCH! LUNCH! LUNCH!"

M: "I find that decision taken. Let's go."

LF: "But wait, you can't just..."

M: "Oh and arrest that man guards. I hereby charge him for treason and being French."

LF: "It's not a crime being French!"

M: "Now it is. Take him away, boys."

5 Augusti
Nothing new has been reported from the war but I have heard that the Papal/Pirat-navy in the Adriatic sunk today. It appears that they hit some rocks. The eleven ships sunk at once.

1 October
Still no news from the war. We sent two traders to Venice. Maybe we can use this time of war to profit on other peoples problems. Bwahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!! Sorry, I couldn't hold it in.

1 November
Success! We expanded our business in Venice and competed an Irish swamp-salesman out of business.

1 March
At last! A report from the war: Forces from Navarra have captured Franche-Comte. Their army have started moving towards the main coalition army consisting of over 45 thousand men. So far no sight of the war on the Italian peninsula.

1 April
We sent two merchants to Venice.

1 May
Success again! We expanded our business in Venice. We also drew a Prussian salesman out of business. He was selling hats with a spike on them. Strange fashion in Germany.

1 June
Spies tell me that an English force of some eight thousand men has landed close to Rome. They drove out the small Papal army which is now fleeing towards Naples.

1 August
The Papal army was totally destroyed in Naples and it is clear that the main army under Ferdinand II is now moving in the direction of Rome.

1 September
The main army from Naples joined the English in Rome and they are now sieging the city together.

18 September
Artois was captured by French forces. So far the war has gone France's way.

1 October
Two merchants were sent to Venice.

1 November
The only thing those merchants accomplished was competing another Irish swamp-salesman out of business.

1 January
Happy new year! In Rome the Pope held an emotional speech in the Cathedral. Moved by his words a thousand men under Borgia stormed out through the gates of Rome and bravely attacked the forces from Naples and England. The brave Romans were cut down to the last man. I wonder how this war will end...

**Pavlov** · August 21, 2002, 15:40

Uh, plenty of action and an onion

The throne-room

Grand Duke: "I say, lord Numb-skull, this new football-game is like a renaissance for our country"

Me: "That's lord Nocardia, sire. Besides, the renaissance has already occured."

GD: "No way! When?"

M: "Some years ago, sire."

GD: "Oh. Is that why all those arty-farty guys are running about in the palace?

M: "I would belive so, sire."

GD: "You know, I'm tired of being called Grand Duke. I want to be called emperor or something."

M: "Well, if you capture Rome, Constantinople or Moscow you should be able to call yourself emperor."

GD: "Good. Can we do that now?"

M: "Not now. Maybe later."

GD: "Oh"

February 9 1497
Odd news. Persia has declared war on the Polish-Lithuanian commonwealth. That must be a lie.

March 2
The news arrived just five minutes ago. The English have "totally, for always, no looking back" annexed the Papal states. Well, it's just Rome but anyway. What a shock. I have always hated the Pope, with his prayers and "I can talk to God" and all that. But this, these so-called Europeans coming here to Italy and thinking they can do whatever they want.

April 1
Algeria declared war on Morocco. The Osman empire joined in on the Algerian side. This war seems uninteresting. I think I'll play some table-tennis today.

April 3
We sent off two traders to Venice

April 7
A man, dirty and smelly arrived at my office today...
Lord Nocardia's office

Me: "Who are you, smelly man?"

Smelly man: "My name is J. Tobacco. Ten years ago Lord Lana send me away to explore a route by land to India. For that purpose he gave me five hundred ducats."

M: "So tell me about your journey then."

JT: "I started off alright but when I reached Constantinople I took the wrong road so I arrived at the land of the Golden horde instead. I have lived at their court for three years now."

M: "Not India? Well I suppose the Golden horde is always something. What have you brought?"

JT: "I've learned how to say 'Nice camel, Ahmed' in Arabic."

M: "Yes..."

JT: "And I brought this slave, caught in the lands of Astrakhan. Urgh!"

A tall man with an extremely large red beard enters the room

M: "What in the name of Jesus is that!?"

JT: "It's Urgh. One urgh means yes and two means no. He is my gift to you."

M: "I see. So, Urgh, do you like Florence so far?"

Urgh: "Urgh"

M: "Great. So what else have you brought, signore Tobacco?"

JT: "I have this. The latest in Golden horde military technology. It's a rusty, yet pointy spear."

M: "So that's it. One red-bearded savage, some phrase and a spear. We payed five hundred ducats for this?!"

JT: "Guess so."

M: "Could I look at that spear?"

JT: "Sure. Argh..wrgh...[OOC: This is a an old "in-joke" of the AAR-crowd, don't feel sad if you don't understand it]

April 23
Latest news from the war. Troops from Navarra have taken control of Calais.

May 3
Our traders failed. As usual.

June 1
Chock! Horror! A rebellion has erupted in Emilia. Some smelly old peasant has been crowned as king. Our army starts to prepare for action again. [OOC: Raised army maintenance]

July 1
With preparations finished, our army moves against Emilia to kill the peasants and shove a large onion up the peasant-kings backside.

July 2
The war continues to go well for the French alliance. The French now control Luxemburg too.

July 21
The army reaches Emilia and starts to hunt down and kill every peasant they can find.

July 29
The killing is complete and the onion has been shoved. The rebellion, from now on known as the "Aching buttocks-rebellion", has been crushed.

September 1
The Grand Duke used 324 ducats that he got from God-knows-where to reform the army.

The throne room

Me: "So where did the money come from, sire?"

Grand Duke: "Well, I was in the cathedral last night. On my way to the confession booth I suddenly ended up in the basement. There I found a coffin marked with "The one who steals from this coffin is doomed forever". Inside were some money, so I took it."

M: "That was probably the money from the pardons. You realize that you now are forever doomed to a life after this in hell?"

GD: "Get out of here! You kidder!"

M: "Suit yourself."

October 1
We sent two traders to Venice. Again.

November 1
Yet another rebellion. This time in Romagna. The orders to the army are simple. Kill every peasant who goes armed, find their leader, rub him with honey and throw him in cage with two wild bears.

And another thing: we expanded our business in Venice.

December 1
The army starts moving against Romagna. They bring plenty of honey and some bears.

December 21
They arrive and start the battle.

January 1
Right in the middle of battle a new commander, Machiavelli, arrives to take command of the army. Now we have three commanders. I think I'll have to poison one of them soon, this is getting annoying.

**Pavlov** · August 21, 2002, 15:42

WTF!? I thought he said two updates!

The throne-room

Grand Duke: "I say, mylord, these rebellions are very annoying. Can't you do something about them?"

Me: "I can try. I will start evaluating new means of torture tomorrow."

January 6
The rebellion that has been going on since the beginning of the year is now finally crushed.

February 1
Yet another rebellion in Romagna. 7500 peasants were upset about the new pants-tax that we started collecting today.

February 11
The rebellion is crushed and their leader has been strangled by a pair of pants.

April 1
During the traditional April-fools party I told two merchants to go to Venice. They didn't understand the joke and we haven't seen them since.

April 6
Annoying news. Milano has joined the Austrian alliance. This means that we can't crush them easily.

April 7

Lord Nocardia's office

Smelly peasant: "I have some interesting news for you, mylord."

Me: "Like what?"

SP: "The other day I was digging out dung as I always do on fridays. While doing that I found this." He holds out a greyish piece of stone.

M: "It's a stone."

SP: "No, mylord, it's a piece of that fine metal Bardanium."

M: "Are you drunk or something? Give me the stone and get out of here."

SP: "But won't I get a reward?"

M: "Here you go" I throw a soap at him.

SP: "Aahh! A soap!" He runs away.

Later that day I sold the stone to the Swedish ambassador and told him it was gold. He gave me a hundred ducats for it. Stupid idiot. [OOC: Random event: Valuable mineral]

June 1
Our military advisors have finally continued their studies on artillery tactics. The idea has spread to the army. They are very pleased.

The office of the supreme commander

Me: "So how did you do before you got to know this tactic?"

Supreme commander: "We simply fired the cannons anywhere. Now we aim at the enemy."

M: "Great."

To celebrate the new tactics we recruit one cannon and two thousand infantrymen in Romagna to support the fight against the rebels.

July 1
Our naval technology is also improved to better cannons. Pretty useless since we have no navy.

July 27
After a daring raid on Mainz by forces from Savoy Kurpfalz have bought themselves peace for 41 ducats. The big war continues.

August 1
It is time to test our new tactics. Another rebeelion under the leader Dennis Spumante starts in Romagna.

August 5
The rebel army has been crushed! Our cannons turned the smelly peasants into mincemeat. Dennis Spumante was caught alive and will be taken to Florence for torture and death.

The throne room

Grand Duke: "So how will you torture this rebel leader?"

Me: "I hired two experts from Germany. Hans and Sepp are the best belchers in the world. We will tie this Dennis Spumante to a pole and then have Hans and Sepp belch at him until he dies. For this they will be given 15 litres of beer each day."

GD: "Won't that be expensive?"

M: "Nah, the beer comes from New England. It's dirt cheap and tastes like water."

GD: "Excellent."

September 27
The French alliance have made a separate peace with the Spanish. Artois and Luxemburg go to the French.

October 1
Sent two merchants to Venice. I never heard from them again.

December 27
Peace in Europe! The English pay 201 ducats to the French for peace. The war is over.

**Pavlov** · August 21, 2002, 15:45

You aint seen nothing yet, b-b-b-baby...

The year of boredom

January 1 1499

The throne-room

Me: "Happy new year, sire, I hope this year will be less rebellious then the last."

Grand Duke: "Happy new year? Happy new year? Every enlightened person knows that the world will meet its end on the first day of the year 1500."

M: "Why?"

GD: "Because the Lord likes round, even numbers."

M: "Why didn't he destroy the earth in the year 1000 then?"

GD: "How am I supposed to know? Anyway, I'm sure that the world will end soon."

M: "I'll bet you a good bottle of Tuscan wine that it doesn't, sire."

GD: "You're on."

January 10
Peace among the heathens. Morocco have taken the province of Atlas from Algiers.

January 15
The peace in Europe is ripped apart by a Danish declaration of war on the Teutonic order. Denmarks allies join in on the Danish side and the Teutonic orders allies also follow the call to battle. Denmark, Norway, Scotland and Sweden fight against the Teutonic order, Prussia and Georgia.

March 22
Spain declares war on something they call the "Aztecs". They must have been drinking to much of that Spanish "wine".

April 1

The throne-room

Me: "So, sire, it's time to repay our loan now."

Grand Duke: "What? We have to repay it? I thought someone just gave the money to us."

M: *sigh* "No we have to repay it. That's the point of a loan."

GD: "Oh, alright, do what you must."

We repay the loan. Left in the treasury is 81 ducats.

To regain our financial strength we send two merchants to Genua. We will not be able to make the same kind of revenue that we make in Venice but the competition in Genua is weaker.

April 28
The country of Pskov has become a vassal to the Russians. I really don't care.

May 1
Our financial investment has payed off. One of our traders opened business in Genua. A sand-merchant from the Hafsides was put out of business.

August 8
Sad news today. The co-general of our troops in Romagna, general Vitelli has sadly passed away. He died after a lunch at the house of general Uffreducci. His last words were: "I was poisoned by Uffre..urghh...." I wonder what this cryptic sentence means. A minute of silence was held among the prostitutes of Florence, they mourned the death of their most generous contributor.

October 1
Two more merchants are sent towards Genua. I reminded the Grand Duke of our bet and he merely muttered something like: "just two more months, just two more..."

November 1
Our business in Genua was expanded and a sausage-salesman from Brandenburg was sent home.

30 December 11:57
The throne-room

Me: "So, sire, only three minutes left now."

Grand Duke: "Oh, heavenly father, forgive me, for I have sinned..."

M: "One minute left..."

GD: "So this is the end. Tragic."

M: "Five. Four. Three. Two. One..."

GD: "Oh no, I don't want to die!"

M: "Zero. Happy new year!"

GD: "Darn."

M: "You owe me a bottle of wine, sire."

February 1
The peasants around Rome were finally fed up with the foreign rule and started a rebellion. I wonder if the English will send troops to stop the rebels or if this is the end of English rule over Rome.

March 1
A white peace was signed between Poland-Lithuania and Persia since neither side could reach the other.

April 1
Some rebels on the Portuguese islands of Cape Verde have taken control of it and killed every foreign man they could find. Noone really cares.

**Pavlov** · August 21, 2002, 15:47

Wait! What's this? A plot!?

The years when nothing really happened

The remaining parts of 1500 were spent playing fotball, drinking wine and thinking about new ways to torture rebels. Nothing happened until...

September 13
Some really important news: Rome has been captured by rebels. They want to reunite the Papal states and this was just the first step. The army has been prepared for march against wherever the rebels move towards. This is another sign that the feeble English aren't able to take care of their spoils of war.

October 1
While arranging for the sending of two merchants to Genua I got the news that the rumour was true: the rebels are marching towards Romagna with the battle cry: "Viva el Papa!" The army is frantically making preparations for a new battle.

November 1
With preparations prepared the Tuscan army begins moving towards Romagna where they will engage the Roman rebelscum in battle.

The merchants we sent to Genua were partially succesful. Our business was expanded and we outcompeted a merchant from Genua.

November 21
The battle of Romagna begins. Our battle-hardened veterans face a mix of ex-Papal army-soldiers and peasants.

November 27
After a tough battle the rebel army has been crushed. Our soldiers were so infuriated after the battle that they plundered some farms outside Ancona. Our officers had to kill some on the spot just to stop the looting.

December 24

The Grand Duke's ballroom, late night

During the annual christmas-party there are plenty of drinking, laughing and chatting people milling about in the ballroom.

Lord Caruti: "I say Lord Nocardia, this party is absolutely smashing. Look the Grand Duke is doing his playing-dead party trick on the floor!"

Me: "Nah, he's probably just drunk. Merry Christmas! I'm going to go and talk to the general."

LC: "See you later!"

General Uffreducci: [Drunk]"So I said to the rebel: You can take your Pope and shove him! Hahahahaha!!!!"

The Papal ambassador in exile is not amused by the generals story.

M: "Come, general. Let us go to the drink-table."

GU:[Really drunk] "You know, Lord Nocardia I've always thought of you as.."*falls asleep*

M: "That's one drunken general less I suppose. Hey Machiavelli, over here!"

Machiavelli: "How are you doing, mylord? Look the Grand Duke is still doing his playing-dead party trick. I thought it was fun the first two minutes but now it's just dull."

M: "Yes it is a bit boring. I'll go wake him up."

I go over the Grand Duke, flip him over and to my great surprise I find...

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