Generic News Network: Mediocre, yet popular.

[Squeblish Nef?]

...Three hernias, 4-inch piles, severe internal and a burst spleen.
That's all for Auldoninnan Arts and Crafts for this week, stay tuned for Generic News...

Several minutes later:

...And in other news, we have just recieved word of an assassination attempt on Al Mastifi Controller of Foreign Affairs and Hegemony, Metanaban Al Mastif.

Bandra Bully reporting:
The attack occured at three p.m. local time, in downtown Fheztropolis during a public execution.
Metanaban Al Mastif received two wounds to the left arm, and one to the upper torso from a masked gunman armed with an automatic rifle, who fired as Metanaban read the Holy Condemnation.
We have received no reports as to Metanaban's condition, nor to the identity, or condition of the gunman, who several sources claim to be a foreigner.
The militant puritanical ultra-radical fundamentalist movement Angels' Immortal Decree has claimed responsibility for the attack, and it is a matter of conjecture whether it will take the authorities more or less than twelve hours to round them up and flay them alive.

And now for the magical world of sport, where Jamroll beat Poolfargest 4-4...

[Squeblish Nef?]

Generic News Update

Metanaban Al Mastif is currently in a stable condition, having sustained only mild wounds in today's terrorist attack by the Angels' Immortal Decree movement, whose members are still on the run.
The masked assassin was captured alive after a forty-minute car chase, in which three petrol stations, a Holy Fury battle tank and thirteen automobiles were destroyed.

[Mr. President]

Any word yet on the identity of the assassin?

[Squeblish Nef?]

No comment, infidel!
Abdul, get rid of this human excrement.
[Gunshots.]
Feed him to the slaves, Abdul.
They need some variety in their diet.
What?
No, just give him to them whole.
It'll make excellent viewing.
[Switches off video camera.]

OOC: That was Kasatra Al Mastif, the Al Mastifi Popular Relations Controller.
He gets a bit grouchy sometimes.
In other words, he's Destrakhani.

[Squeblish Nef?]

Generic News Update

Several senior members of the Angels' Immortal Decree movement are believed to have successfully escaped the Tooled-Up Sultanate of Al Mastif, and are believed to be in hiding in Ceroo D'Ori.
Al Mastif's elite Janitors have undoubtedly already been dispatched, and I almost feel sorry for the poor stupid gits.

Angels' Immortal Decree was responsible for a failed attempt on Metanaban Al Mastif's life, and for the murders of several Al Mastifi police officers in a four-hour gun battle resulting in the capture of most of the terrorist movement.
The masked gunman still remains anonymous, with several sources claiming him to have a 'kind of Spanish accent'.

Al Mastifi Popular Relations Controller, Kasatra Al Mastif has issued the following statement:
"This does not concern you, foreign infidel! Leave my presence at once, lest I feed you to my wives!"

Three foreign journalists are still missing, believed to have disappeared a short time after a press conference hosted by Al Mastifi Popular Relations Controller, Kasatra Al Mastif...

[Mr. President]

Is it a coincidence that the assassination attempt came so concordantly with the territorial dispute with Auldoninna?

[joncha]

Hey... squebs! You should invite Auldoninna in to help you root out the terrorists!

[Squeblish Nef?]

Yes, and Jesus Christ our Saviour could crawl out of my bodily orifices and play Hungry Hippos with Margaret Thatcher!

[Rasputin]

Auldonina are keeping very quiet on this issue as the Government is busy having a vacation in Jonchastan ,

The Auldonina Cricket team is currentl on tour in Jonchastan too...

[Squeblish Nef?]

The Tooled-Up Sultan of Al Mastif has issued a 2.5 million krall reward for information leading to the capture of the terrorist organisation Angels' Immortal Decree.

[Mr. President]

Law enforcement agencies in Karakas have listed the Angels' Immortal Decree as a group "threatening to regional stability".

At the moment, the group is not known to have any operatives or supporters in Karakas. Law enforcement authorities have discussed the group with liaisons in the Al Mastif embassy.

[Rasputin]

Al lsecurity checks reveal no locations of these redical groups in any nation where Auldonina has an interest.

[Squeblish Nef?]

Originally posted by Mr. President
Law enforcement agencies in Karakas have listed the Angels' Immortal Decree as a group "threatening to regional stability".

At the moment, the group is not known to have any operatives or supporters in Karakas. Law enforcement authorities have discussed the group with liaisons in the Al Mastif embassy.

Well, they're hardly a global organisation.
I mean, are you signed up with your local Taliban warlord?
Angels' Immortal Decree's policies involve a lot about 'racial purity', which pretty much wipes out its international customer base.
Literally.