Tweet
This is just a little short piece I felt like writing. I'm combining my experience in Model UN with a bit of a civ game I've been playing in my spare time.
----
Well hello there! I am Kevin Jones, and I will be narrating this short story by the goober on the boob, please don't hold it against him, he's already attached.
Laugh if you got that joke.
Anyway, Jefferson Davis had just built the United Nations in the spectacular city of Charleston. Nobody was certain just why he built it, there was no way in the world short of killing everything that would have him elected Secretary General. That man was ruthless.
First, he signs a right of passage agreement with the pathetically small Americans, this cost them all of their stocked gold, plus an additional 25 gold/year, that's a lot of kablingy after all. Anyway, after stockpiling the bling bling, he sends a whole posse of Volunteers in to capture American workers to turn into slaves. I'm not saying I don't like my "seven comely lasses of virtue true," but taking all the women is brutal. Then the people began protesting, all the workers in the city that were related to the Americans were mad, they were all "Stop the aggression against our mother country!" So we did, we invaded their remaining city of New York, and we burned it to the ground. Problem solved.
Our mistreatment of the Americans led to other wars with the nations to the north, the Canadians fell easily, but the friggin' Quebequois were tougher than nails, we had to bust out some serious whoopin' sticks on those ignant idjits.
So now we control the whole entire continent from about the Mississippi eastwards, and some bald chick from San Fransisky or some dumb place is all "this land is rightfully ours" and whatnot. I personally knew that the woman was a few peanuts short of a turd so, trying to help her out, I flung a can of planters at her head, and allovasudden we're at war with the Cowboys.
The Cowboys was ornery mean little devils, who enjoyed gamblin' and paying for women, but as soon as the men-folk realized that invading a country for slaves is good both for fun and physical profit, the Cowboys had ended the war with us, and invaded the Oreganos to the north.
Now back to the United Nations, I was getting some verbal harrassment from Fidel Castro and his Cubans.
"Would the right honorable delegate from the Confederate States of America kindly stop the racial harrassment of our glorious leader Fidel?"
"No way, he spends all his time picking his butt and trying to trade for Iron Working, I mean, who doesn't know Iron Working?"
"I will continue to take my right of reply, we ask in the hopes of letting your leader show us true "Southern hospitality."
"I would gladly show you Southern horse brutality, but we don't have whores to beat on, unlike your empoverished nation with your bronze weapons of minimal destruction."
"Kevin Jones!! This is a serious matter"
"Serious matter? More like fun time!!"
"I move to censure the delegate from the Confederate States of America indefinitely."
"Impossible, this building is INSIDE the Confederate States of America and expelling me would mean almost certain doom for yourself... or at least your wardrobe."
"What do you mean?"
"Watch."
Now I'm going to admit up front that what I did next may have something to do with the global hatred of my country, but it was worth it.
"What do you have there?"
"Nothing"
"Yes you do... It's a pie!"
"Would you like to have it?"
"Yes in fact, I missed breakfast and am quite hungry, let me have it."
"Hmmm?"
"I said, LET ME HAVE IT!!"
"Ok"
I flung the pie at his face with all of my might, and with that throw I gave up all respect for my nation, but nobody really cared, it would allow us to tyrannize our neighbors. They sucked anyway.
The End.
----
Well hello there! I am Kevin Jones, and I will be narrating this short story by the goober on the boob, please don't hold it against him, he's already attached.
Laugh if you got that joke.
Anyway, Jefferson Davis had just built the United Nations in the spectacular city of Charleston. Nobody was certain just why he built it, there was no way in the world short of killing everything that would have him elected Secretary General. That man was ruthless.
First, he signs a right of passage agreement with the pathetically small Americans, this cost them all of their stocked gold, plus an additional 25 gold/year, that's a lot of kablingy after all. Anyway, after stockpiling the bling bling, he sends a whole posse of Volunteers in to capture American workers to turn into slaves. I'm not saying I don't like my "seven comely lasses of virtue true," but taking all the women is brutal. Then the people began protesting, all the workers in the city that were related to the Americans were mad, they were all "Stop the aggression against our mother country!" So we did, we invaded their remaining city of New York, and we burned it to the ground. Problem solved.
Our mistreatment of the Americans led to other wars with the nations to the north, the Canadians fell easily, but the friggin' Quebequois were tougher than nails, we had to bust out some serious whoopin' sticks on those ignant idjits.
So now we control the whole entire continent from about the Mississippi eastwards, and some bald chick from San Fransisky or some dumb place is all "this land is rightfully ours" and whatnot. I personally knew that the woman was a few peanuts short of a turd so, trying to help her out, I flung a can of planters at her head, and allovasudden we're at war with the Cowboys.
The Cowboys was ornery mean little devils, who enjoyed gamblin' and paying for women, but as soon as the men-folk realized that invading a country for slaves is good both for fun and physical profit, the Cowboys had ended the war with us, and invaded the Oreganos to the north.
Now back to the United Nations, I was getting some verbal harrassment from Fidel Castro and his Cubans.
"Would the right honorable delegate from the Confederate States of America kindly stop the racial harrassment of our glorious leader Fidel?"
"No way, he spends all his time picking his butt and trying to trade for Iron Working, I mean, who doesn't know Iron Working?"
"I will continue to take my right of reply, we ask in the hopes of letting your leader show us true "Southern hospitality."
"I would gladly show you Southern horse brutality, but we don't have whores to beat on, unlike your empoverished nation with your bronze weapons of minimal destruction."
"Kevin Jones!! This is a serious matter"
"Serious matter? More like fun time!!"
"I move to censure the delegate from the Confederate States of America indefinitely."
"Impossible, this building is INSIDE the Confederate States of America and expelling me would mean almost certain doom for yourself... or at least your wardrobe."
"What do you mean?"
"Watch."
Now I'm going to admit up front that what I did next may have something to do with the global hatred of my country, but it was worth it.
"What do you have there?"
"Nothing"
"Yes you do... It's a pie!"
"Would you like to have it?"
"Yes in fact, I missed breakfast and am quite hungry, let me have it."
"Hmmm?"
"I said, LET ME HAVE IT!!"
"Ok"
I flung the pie at his face with all of my might, and with that throw I gave up all respect for my nation, but nobody really cared, it would allow us to tyrannize our neighbors. They sucked anyway.
The End.
Comment