Announcement

**Metaliturtle** · July 9, 2002, 17:29

First Person! Cool Concept!

**TheGuitarist** · July 9, 2002, 18:32

This is hilarious. Keep going, I can't stand the suspense.

**dnassman** · July 9, 2002, 19:49

Very different and very good. Good hidden comedy as well.

**Verto** · July 9, 2002, 19:53

**Insane_Ike** · July 10, 2002, 12:23

The Plight of One Worker: Part II: Turning Chinese, I Think I'm Turning Chinese, I Really Think So
By Insane Ike

So there I was, curled up and sobbing like a little girl. I began to think about my life. I thought, "What have you done with your life? You built some roads and a few mines. What a waste." There were people in that little city of Washington D.C. who were building great temples and statues and walls. These were monuments that were going to stand for centuries. And I wasted my time digging dirt roads and mines that I never saw anyone use. I realized something that day: I am a loser. That thought can be quite depressing for a man, but at that moment it was easy to be indifferent considering that two pissed off barbarians were about to make me their prision *****. If I had a mother, I probably would have called out for her at that moment. As it turned out, I mumbled the next closest thing. "Oh mother-fu...."

At that moment I had what I thought was an epiphany. Epiphany is a big word, and I'm not even sure what it means. But this is what happened. Out of nowhere came a man riding a horse. The two barbarians were just as startled as I was. The fear and excitement of the moment caused me to lose control of my bowels for the ump-teenth time and wail out, "Please I don't wanna dieeee!" So much for dignity. Through my tears and snot bubbles, I saw that the barbarians had regained their composure much more quickly than I ever could have. And they attacked the rider. But it was quickly evident that these barbarians were no match. With a few quick strokes of his sword, the barbarians were no more---literally. They just kind of disappeared. All very odd to me.

Before I knew it, the horse and its rider were in front of me. As I continued to bawl and hope against hope that he wouldn't kill me, the rider ordered me to stand up. Slowly I did. "Please don't kill me! Oh God, please, please, please don't kill me!" The rider responded, "Get a hold of yourself man! I'm not going to kill you. You're a worker. We need men like you. Compose yourself and come with me if you want to live." Quickly, I ran down to the beach and cleaned myself off with the sea water. I found the salty water to be a bit irritating, but it was certainly useful enough and a much better alternative to carrying around this load that I had in my loin cloth.

So there I was. I was a loser, but at least I was a living loser. And now I was being led through the wilderness by a strange guy riding a horse. He eventually disclosed to me that he was Chinese and he was taking me back to his captial of Beijing. I thought it was very odd when he said he was Chinese. First of all, he spoke perfect English. And second, he looked suspiciously like Dolf Lundren as He-Man from that cheesy movie Masters of the Universe.

The entire ordeal, going back to my sudden appearance in Washington D.C. was all very confusing to me. Eventually, I knew that I was going to have to stop trying to make sense of all this or else I would go insane.

After what seemed like an endless journey, we finally arrived. The Chinese capital of Beijing loomed large as we finally cleared the mountains. The city was magnificent. It was much, much bigger than Washington D.C. The architecture was intimidating and awe-inspiring all at once. There were towering pagodas and elaborate designs carved everywhere; from exotic letterings to designs of dragons, cranes, horses, fish and other animals could be seen. All were artistic masterpieces.

As we approached the city, Dolf Lundren told me to relax and enjoy my stay in the city. I had a feeling I would need my strength soon. I asked Dolf if he would show me around, but he declined. He replied, "Unfortunately, I am needed elsewhere my asexual little friend. War looms on the horizon." And with that, he sped off.

So there I was again. A loser and a stranger in a strange new city---a big city. I cautiously entered the city and began to explore. At that moment I realized that I was hungry. I followed my nose and ended up in a small chinese restaurant. All of the food smelled so good. And although much of it looked strangely unappetizing, I wolfed down everything that was placed in front of me. I was stuffed. Strangely enough though, I would be hungry again an hour later. I found out later that Chinese food tended to do that to you.

After eating my fill of egg rolls, fried rice, peking duck, beef and brocolli, and whatever else I could force down my throat, I left thinking what a great idea a Chinese buffet-styled restaurant would be back in little D.C. As I walked down the street, still in a daze from my feast, a very soft hand reached out and touched my arm. At that moment I saw the sexiest, cutest woman you ever could imagine. She introduced herself as Mai Linn and she asked me if I wanted to come inside of her house. I had nowhere else to go, so why not.

Mai Linn had lots of sisters and all of them were HOT, even if they did wear a bit too much makeup. The girls were all so nice to me too. They were all giggling and pointing, touching me here and touching me there. It was all enough to turn a man to stone. Then Mai Linn made her way through the sea of my female admirers. She took my hand and led me upstairs. We entered her bedroom and let me tell you fellas something. You have not lived until you've had a 105 pound Chinese sex goddess walk on your back. After the thorough body massage I recieved, I began to take off my loin cloth. "How long had it been since I got laid," I wondered. "Never?" Mai Linn laid there in bed, looking all sexy and stuff. I was so excited as I slowly approached.

Then just as I was going to make some all night magic, or at least some "next minute and-and-a-half" magic, an urge came over me. It was an urge even greater than the urge to procreate. At that moment, I just knew---I had to build an irrigation system. As the thought, "What the ****?!!" rushed through my mind, I could only whimper as I looked at Mai Linn's incredible nude body while at the same time a damned shovel appeared in my hands. I reluctantly left Mai Linn's lovely home and made my way to the outskirts of town.

So there I was, building an irrigation system. This sucked. I was about to get laid by the hottest chick this side of a Man Show episode and I had to get the urge to build a damned irrigation system. I was truly pissed. Then, as I was mopping and feeling really sorry for myself, dozens of riders poured out of the city. On neighing steeds, they thundered by me, one after another. All were headed north. And it made me think of what Dolf Lundren had said to me earlier, "War looms on the horizon." I didn't think much of it at the time, but now it hung like an ominus dark cloud in my thoughts.

I knew something bad was happening. And as the fear hit me, I knew I had just involuntarily soiled my loin cloth again. I would have to change soon.

To be continued...

**TheGuitarist** · July 10, 2002, 12:27

Hilarious. Keep it up!

**Insane_Ike** · July 10, 2002, 14:36

The Plight of One Worker: Part III: Luke "Whiny Little Bizyatch" Skywalker Meets Luke "Badass Jedi Knight" Skywalker

By Insane Ike

So there I was. I was suppose to be building an irrigation system, but the thought of war to the north had created a rather hefty load of crap in my loin cloth. I looked around and noticed a cool, inviting river not far away. I set my shovel aside and made for the river. Once on the banks of the river, I undressed and washed the crap out of my loin cloth. As I hung my clothing up to dry, I opted for a refreshing swim to take my mind off my worries. The river current was not too strong and the water which flowed from the mountain was very cool. Instantly, I felt better. My concerns of war to the north was washed away. But my lust for the sweet Mai Linn remained.

As I floated on my back, I closed my eyes and allowed my thoughts of her sexy body to fill my mind. Before long my mind, along with other parts of my body were excited with lust. I reached down and began to turn on the yogurt thrower. All of a sudden, a pair of hands grabbed me and pulled me underwater. With a sharp feminine scream, I went under, sucking in a gallon of water as I struggled to put my feet down on the riverbottom. When my feet finally did touch bottom, I turned. To my most pleasant surprise, it was Mai Linn!

"Girl, you're lucky it was you. Cause I was about to open up a can of whup-ass. What are you doing here anyways?" I managed to cough out.

With a giggle she replied, "You're so cute. I hope I didn't scare my big strong guy too much? I'm sorry. I had to follow you because you left so suddenly that I had to find out what was wrong."

"Me? Naw, I wasn't scared. I ain't scared of nothin'. And I left because I had an uncontrollabel urge to build an irrigation system, that's all." I stammered.

"I see," she said.

We made our way back to the riverbank. It was then that I noticed Mai Linn was wearing only a thin pair of panties. I thought this was strange that she was a sexy Asian woman and she was not shy, but then again this is a fictional story, so go with the flow will ya. Anyways, we sat there on the riverbank, she was partially nude and I was totally nude. She told me all about her life, her town, her people, and the war to the north.

"They're called Zulu. They are a ruthless people who arrived on our northern shores one day. They attacked many of our northern cities and even managed to take a few. The Emperor has sent many of his finest troops north to fight the Zulu. I hear that Hong Kong is under siege. It's rumored that if Hong Kong falls, Beijing will be next."

We sat there in silence. I was scared ****less. You'll come to learn that I get scared ****less a lot.

"So where are you from?" Mai Linn asked. "You're definitely not Chinese. Where are you from?"

So I told her my life's story. I told her all about my abilities to build roads and mines. I told her all about Washington D.C. and how the barbarians attacked it.

"Then in all of the confusion, Dolf Lundren was attacked by some barbarians. Dolf was pretty lucky because I heard all of the commotion and went to check it out. I noticed that Dolf was outnumbered so I jumped in. With just my shovel I took out both of those barbarians. Dolf was so impressed with my bravery that he asked me to come to Beijing with him. Unfortunately, he was called away on duty."

"Wow. You are so brave," quipped Mai Linn.

I nodded in agreement and replied, "I know. Gimme some sugar baby."

With that I gave Mai Linn the greatest, sexiest, tongue-iest kiss every in the history of kisses. When I broke our kiss, she blushed a beet red. I leaned in and whispered into her ear.

"No! I'm not going to say that!" she giggled.

"Come on. Just say it. Just once---for me, ok?"

"Alright. Sucky sucky. Me love you long time."

With that, I kissed Mai Linn again. Sealing the deal, I gave her the greatest one minute and 27 seconds of her life. If you don't believe me, you can ask her yourself later.

When we finished, Mai Linn said she had to get back to town. Somehow I knew I had to get back to town too. So we returned to Beijing. I kissed her goodbye as she skipped back into that big house with all of her sisters. A few of them saw me and giggled and pointed. I smiled broadly and walked away hoping I would see Mai Linn again really soon.

At that moment, things got weird. It was as if a higher power was communicating to me. The word "DISBANDED" came to my mind. The next thing I knew, everything went black. It seemed like an eternity. I couldn't see anything. Everything was just black---blacker than black really. I think nothingness is a better adjective. My thoughts began to wander. I thought about all that I had been through. All the things I had built. But mostly, I thought about that hot little Chinese chick Mai Linn.

Then, almost violently, I was yanked from the nothingness. As I opened my eyes and looked around me, I was in Beijing again. But this time, I found myself mounted on a rather large horse. And I was wearing very heavy clothing---armor. I no longer had on my simple loin cloth. I was covered from head to toe in armor. At my side was a powerful sword. And somehow, I knew. I was a badass. I was like Ashe from Army of Darkness. I was Stone Cold Steve Austin with armor and a horse. I had become a Jedi Knight like my father befor...nevermind. I was a knight---a Chinese knight.

I would be the first of many who would ride north to face the Zulu warriors and save the Chinese Empire.

To be continued...

**Lord Silvi** · July 10, 2002, 16:17

**dnassman** · July 10, 2002, 19:59

This is great. Very original and funny. 5 star rating

**TheGuitarist** · July 10, 2002, 20:38

Keep it up, this is hilarious.

**Insane_Ike** · July 11, 2002, 14:22

Wow, my first five star rating! I'm glad you guys are enjoying. I know this thing isn't along the traditional lines of the things that are written here, but if you really like it...NOMINATE ME! I want to win something. I've never won anything before; except for this one time when I was a kid, I won a drawing for this cheap ass video ping pong game. It included a control with a nob that you turned to control a line that would block a square ball. Damn that sucked major ass. Anyways, on to the tale...

*****************************
The Plight of One Worker: Part IV: I'm a Badass...Sorta'

By Insane Ike

So there I was, marching off to war. I was on a great big horse that I began to call Bob. I was dressed like a badass. I should have felt like a badass. But I didn't. I still felt the same. I just looked different. I wanted to turn around. I wanted to go back to Beijing. I wanted to go back to Mai Linn. I wanted to go back to Washington D.C. I wanted to go anywhere but where I was going. I didn't want to be a knight. I never asked to be a knight. I was perfectly happy with my life. Sure I was a loser who would never amount to anything, but at least I could accept it. The only upside to this whole thing was that if Mai Linn ever saw me in this cool outfit, she might give me some hot anal action.

But at that moment, my thoughts of Mai Linn's orafices were brought to an abrupt halt. A barbarian sprung out of the woods and lunged at me. With a high pitched feminine scream, I reached for my sword. My scream was so sudden it scared my horse Bob. And with one powerful neigh, Bob stood up on his back legs, kicked with his fronts legs and bolted. Fortunately for me, several of Bob's kicks landed like Lennox Lewis combinations to the barbarian's head, instantly killing him. I assume he was dead because as I looked back, his body disappeared before my eyes.

I'm not sure how far I rode that day. I didn't want to face anymore barbarians, so I just never bothered to stop Bob from running. It was not until after sundown that he finally slowed down to a walk. I was tired. I knew Bob was exhausted. But the fear of facing more barbarians kept us both moving. We dared not make camp. We rode on through the evening and into the morning. As morning turned to afternoon, we reached a fast flowing, but shallow river. Bob and I stopped just long enough to grab a bite to eat. Before long, we were on our way again.

We rode on through the afternoon and as sundown approached, we came upon the great northern city of Hong Kong. It was evident that this had once been a magnificent city, rivaling Beijing in splendor and glory. However, the years of war that it had endured surely dulled the luster that this once great city must have emanated. Most of the city's roads were destroyed. The vast irrigation system that once supported the populace had been rendered useless. And the mines that lined the hillsides were left in ruin. At that moment a small part of me wanted to be a worker again.

I knew I had to get inside of the city. First off, I wasn't any safer outside of the city. And second, I figured that if there were any soldiers left to fight the Zulu, they would be inside of the city. How wrong I would be on both assumptions. I got off of Bob and crept closer. As I cleared the brush, I could clearly see that the city was surrounded with Zulu warriors, spearmen, and archers. I didn't know how long Hong Kong had held out, but it wouldn't be much longer.

I returned to Bob and mounted him. "Well Bob, there's not much we can do here. Let's go h...."

"Who goes there?" a voice said.

I was so startled I almost fell off of Bob. "It's just me. I am a Chinese knight," I managed. "I was sent from the capital."

"Are there any others who come with you?" he questioned.

"I came alon...."

"You are the first of many?! That is indeed good news brother."

As the figure came forth out of the darkness, I could see he was dressed like me.

"You're a knight too?" I asked.

"Yes, all of the horsemen who survived were recently knighted and trained in the arts. As far as we know, the Zulu do not know of us yet."

"Well, I don't think it will matter because the whole city is surrounded. We'll never get into the city with just the two of us."

The stranger shook his head and signaled for me to follow him. With a nudge, Bob galloped after the knight. We rode on for what seemed like hours. We rode through thick bushes, through woods, and over rocky footing to arrive at a cliff. As Bob and I followed the knight, descending the cliff along a narrow path, I could see a campsite had been established. And as we reached the basin, there were dozens of Chinese knights. These were the horsemen the stranger had been talking about.

As the knights gathered around us, the stranger spoke, "Hoy! My brothes, I have with me one of our own. He hails from the captial city and has come to aide us in battle."

Raucous cheers erupted from the men.

"He is the first of what will be many!"

"Well, I didn't exactly sa...."

Another eruption of cheers.

"When the catapults arrive tomorrow from Nanking, the Zulu will rue the day they set foot on Chinese soil. At dusk tomorrow, we attack."

So there I was. What the hell did I get myself into now.

To Be Continued...

**Insane_Ike** · July 11, 2002, 17:40

The Plight of One Worker: Part V: We Raped the Horses and Rode Off on the Women

By Insane Ike

So there I was, hoping I was just in a bad dream; yearning to be a simple road builder again. The Zulu were just so mean and nasty. Clearly they did not have well-adjusted childhoods. Maybe if parents would just take the time to hug their kids, we wouldn't have genocidal maniacs in loin cloths trying to sack a great city like Hong Kong. Or maybe these guys just suffered from ADD as kids and now they're lashing out because they didn't receive their proper dosage of Riddlin. Whatever their reason for the unprovoked anger, we were going to have to layeth the smack down on them tonight...or die trying.

I had slept through the day and was famished when I finally woke that next afternoon. I rose from my makeshift bed of grass and rocks to find Bob nawing on the grass next to me. Once again I followed my nose and made way for food. A rugged looking knight waived to me and called me over to join him.

"Hoy there my asexual friend! You slept long. Now join me in a bite to eat because we'll all need our strength later."

"Dolf Lundren! It's you!"

"Who else would it be? And look at you...a knight. Ha ha ha. Ironic where fate takes us sometimes, is it not?"

I was so surprised to see Dolf again that I could only smile stupidly as I sat down to enjoy my meal. As I feasted on my meal of rice, barbecued birds, and wild leek soup, Dolf told me about all that had happened since he left me in Beijing.

"When I arrived in Hong Kong, the Zulu were already attacking. After they landed on our northern shores, they sacked Nanking and used it as a launching pad for their attacks on our other northern cities. Our northern lands funnel inwards, right towards Hong Kong. The Zulu seemed to know this as well. So they knew that if they could move quickly to take Hong Kong, it would allow them a base to attack Beijing and then the rest of the country would fall like a game of dominoes...bizyatch."

"How did you become a knight?" I questioned.

"I definitely want to know the same thing of you. But I'll get to that in a moment. When I arrived, other horsemen were already arriving from all over the countryside. We quickly coordinated and rushed the Zulu warriors. Initially things went wonderfully well. We had the element of surprise and the Zulu were scattered. In our haste, many of us pursued the Zulu. We killed many but such a hasty pursuit was foolish. Hordes of Zulu warriors poured out of Nanking. This time we were scattered. The Zulu took incredible losses. But there were so many of them, they just kept coming. Some riders made it back inside Hong Kong's protective walls. Others, like myself, were forced to flee into the countryside or to outer cities like Canton."

"How long ago was that?"

"Who knows? We were just very lucky that the Zulu broke off the pursuit. Most Zulu warriors returned to the task of taking Hong Kong. Luckily for us, many fine archers and spearmen remained within the city. But for their bravery Hong Kong would have fallen long ago. Hit and run attacks did not prove very successful on the Zulu because they would scatter then just go right back to attacking the city. Hope began to fade until the news came that new units known as knights were being trained. Men came to the northern cities and began training us in the arts of knighthood. We were merely knighted a few days before you arrived. We were going to attack, but then word came that catapult units were being developed in Canton and would be ready for use soon. Finally, the catapults arrived while you slept and all will be ready for our attack at dusk. What of yourself my friend? Do tell of your adventures."

Swallowing down a mouthful of rice, I told Dolf all about what I had done. I told him all about Mai Linn and her sisters, to which he gave me a funny grin. I told him about the nothingness and my strange and sudden transformation into a knight. Then I told him about my journey north after becoming a knight.

"Yeah, I cut down that barbarian with a single stroke of my trusty blade Dolf."

"A far cry from the day we met, eh?" he retorted with a laugh.

Dolf then gave me a slap on the back that nearly caused me to choke on my rice. "The sun will be down shortly. We must make preparations," he said.

With that, Dolf left to rally the others. Releasing a loud belch, I stood. I grabbed a few of the barbecued birds to snack on for later. I knew I was going to get hungry again soon. I called for Bob and he came galloping with a stupid look on his face. Poor thing had no idea what we were in for.

A few hours later, I found myself on a hillside with dozens of other knights. The catapults were being moved into their final positions and soon the attack would begin.

Dolf rode up next to me. With a wide grin he said, "You look nervous. Wanna check your shorts?"

Privately, I thought, "Fu(k you *******."

"Fu(k you too friend," he laughed.

Thinking is silent. Talking makes noise. I would have to remember that for later.

"Why aren't we attacking?" I asked.

"It's not time yet. Our guys inside the city will give the signal. Once they do, you should see the Zulu swarm like moth to a flame."

Just as Dolf finished his sentence, something was happening. The giant gate along the southern walls began to creek open. It looked like just enough for one man to squeeze through. Immediately the Zulu warriors sensed the weakness and they swarmed as Dolf had predicted. The Zulu rushed to the gate like ants to a piece of meat that had been dropped at a picnic. They came in droves from all around the city walls. Before long, most had gathered in front of the southern gates.

"Just we predicted. FIRE!" cried Dolf.

With that command, the night sky came alive. Firey boulders cruised through the air only to crash down on the unsuspecting mass of Zulu warriors. Again and again, fire rained down on the Zulu. In the confusion, our archers positioned themselves and let loose one volley after another. Zulu warriors were falling left and right.

"CHARGE!!!" cried Dolf.

Suddenly, every Chinese knight on the hillside charged into battle, including me. I was so caught up in the excitement of the moment, I forgot to be afraid. The thundering of hoofs and the clanging of metal armor sent the Zulu into a state of panic. Many scattered into the night. Some of the particularly brave stood their ground to do battle. Many of those were hewn down in the intial charge. As I made my way into the fray, I went to unsheathe my blade...but it got stuck.

In my struggle to unleash my sword, I lost control of Bob and I fell. Luckily, I landed on my ass. Unfortunately, my ass landed on an upturned arrow. In my pain, I stood up with a loud cry. With a sudden burst of strength, I removed my sword and flailed my arms wildly. In the course of my madness, I struck dead two Zulu warriors. A third particularly fierce warrior charged at me. Suddenly fear overtook me. I shut my eyes and pointed my sword towards him. In his haste to kill me, the poor chap tripped on a dead Zulu and fell right into my sword, killing himself instantly. Of course, the impact of my sword going into this chest knocked me backwards and right onto my keister. The jolt forced the arrowhead to sink deeper into my ass. The pain was so excruciating that I fainted. Yeap, like a little bizyatch, I fainted. That was the last thing that I remembered of the Battle for Hong Kong.

When I came to, I was laying on my stomach with my ass high in the air. A lovely 200 pound Chinese woman with crooked teeth was tenderly caring for my war wound. She certainly was not Mai Linn. But what the hell, beggers can't be choosers I always say. Just as I was about to play the sympathy card to get myself a hummer, Dolf Lundren entered.

"Well, you're finally awake my friend! Ha ha! You fought well last night! And your wound is one for the ages." After taking a peek at my rectum, Dolf exclaimed, "The wound is not deep. It'll leave a nice scar. But chicks dig scars, so worry not. You'll heal soon. You'll have to. In three days, we must ride to a place you knew well...Washington D.C."

To be continued...

**dnassman** · July 12, 2002, 00:35

Looking forward to more.

**Insane_Ike** · July 12, 2002, 17:02

The Plight of One Worker: Part VI: Ivan Drago Goes Hollywood

By Insane Ike

So there I was. I was riding Bob and boy was my ass sore. Three days can go by really fast when you're gettin' sweet lovin' down by the fire with a morbidly obese Asian woman. How time flies. Maybe in another time in a demented sexual parallel universe, I would have enjoyed riding Bob and my jiggly nurse. But at the moment, every bounce and every gallop made it feel like someone was prodding me with a spiked carrot stick.

We rode in pairs forming two long lines with the catapults bringing up the rear. Bob and I trudged along somewhere in the middle. The guy riding next to me was a somber, quiet fellow. He was friendly enough when I spoke to him, but he was not much of a gabber. Usually, I would not have minded, but at the time, I would have loved for him to tell me his life's story; sing a song; whistle; do something to take my mind off the pain in my ass. But he didn't.

For the next few hours, we trotted along painfully. I was thinking that this must be how it feels like to get gored by a stampeding bull in Spain. I was just about to go out of my mind and slice off my azzhole with my sword when a knight begain riding back up along the line. I could see that it was Dolf. With a nod, the knight next to me stepped out of line and galloped forward to take Dolf's place while he took the quiet guy's place.

"How's the ass?" Dolf chuckled.

"How do you think it feels? Why don't you move a little closer and I'll show you," I snapped. "And oh yeah, thanks for putting me next to the only mute knight in the entire empire. That really helped take my mind off my ass for the past few hours."

But that only sent Dolf into hysterical laughter.

"Shut up! And by the way, you never did explain to me why we were going to Washington D.C."

Dolf continued to laugh.

"If you could compose yourself, I'd like to know."

"Ha ha. Ok ok. Aren't you surly today?"

"You would be too if you had a burr up your ass."

That sent Dolf into hysterics again. When he finally calmed down, he explained why we were leaving for D.C.

"The small kingdom to our south, known as America has fallen. I know you originally hailed from Washington D.C. And while you did not know of us, we knew of you. We tolerated America because it was small and weak. We let America be. However, the Zulu did not. Our scouts report that Zulu ships landed on the southern shores of our continent. They swarmed quickly and destroyed the Americans. The captured all eight American cities in a matter of a few years, including Washington D.C. The Zulu attacks here in the north caught us so off guard that we did not even consider they might launch a two-pronged attack."

I sunk low in my saddle with the news.

"We've been very fortunate because the Zulu are not that advanced. Their warriors and spearmen are no match for our knights. Many knights were dispatched to the north to fight off the Zulu threat there. But now that we've proven victorious to the north, the Emporer has ordered that we ride south to take what had been the American Kingdom from the clutches of the Zulu. We can finally unite the continent. Isn't that thought exciting?"

"But how do we know that all of the Zulu were killed in the north?"

"We don't know that all were killed. But we do know that most were. Hong Kong was the key. The majority of their northern army was focused on taking Hong Kong. Well, we destroyed that force. Reports indicate that Nanking and Shanghai are only being held by skeleton crews that should easily be dispatched by our remaining knights. Meanwhile, war has raged to our south. I hear our forces have done quite well and have routed most of the Zulu forces there. Only Washington D.C. and Los Angeles remain under Zulu control."

"So what's the plan? We storm D.C.?"

"Not quite. The plan is to ride far to the west of D.C. Our orders are to circle around and approach Los Angeles from the southwest. Scouts report that Los Angeles is only held by a small band of Zulu spearmen. Once we take Los Angeles, we are to sweep north and invade D.C. from the south. Currently, many of our knights are doing battle with Zulu forces along the northern walls. Those boys will never be able to take the city without our help. They are just merely holding the Zulu at bay. A massive Zulu force has gathered and is preparing for either a final stand or a final charge into the heart of the Empire for Beijing herself."

"Sounds fun," I muttered. The pain in my ass got worse.

By circumventing Washington D.C. by such a great distance, we were forced to ride for an additional two days before we could turn to approach Los Angeles from the southwest.

Los Angeles loomed on the horizon. As we approached, a man came running out with some children in tow. It was Tom Cruise. As Mr. Cruise and his children ran by, he could be heard muttering.

"America is going to hell. I can't raise my children in a country like this. I want my children to grow up in a country where they can...."

Closely behind Tom Cruise and his children came Mike, Meyers, Celine Dion, and Ike, Kyle's little brother from South Park.

"Where are you three off to in such a hurry?" one knight asked.

"We're Canadians!" they exclaimed. "We don't need to put up with this fooking sheit, eh. We're going back to where they play real hockey...eh."

At that moment, I realized: Canadians run fast, even if they aren't Ben Johnson on 'roids.

The surrounding countryside had been decimated as was the calling card of Zulu tender, loving care. Our knights moved quickly and the catapults were positioned. Without warning, boulders rained down on L.A.'s southern gates. Repeatedly, boulders pounded the gates. Within the hour, the gates were in shambles and our knights charged. The city was less well guarded than we had anticipated. The remaining Zulu spearmen were no match for our knights and they were dispatched immediately.

So there I was. Sitting at the Mann's Chinese Theatre in L.A. I was thoroughly disappointed in Undercover Brother. What was that crap all about? But watching a movie, even a bad movie, was a great way of taking my mind off of what would happen soon. We had easily taken Los Angeles, but we were going to have to invade Washington D.C., my old hometown. And it was going to get ugly, much nastier than Hong Kong I feared. The old feelings began to creep back into me. I was scared ****less again.

To be continued...

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The Plight of One Worker

The Plight of One Worker

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