Time to Take Out the Trash

[unscratchedfoot]

Editor's note: Let's stop talking and get it on!


High Noon at Buckingham Palace (Continued)


"Hello Gandhi, you're so cool!" chimed the little princesses Beatrice,13, and Eugenie,12, at the far end of the table. Anne admonished them sternly, and although out of his hearing range, Gandhi could have sworn he had heard the word "madman".

"Yeah, Gandhi kicks butt!" rebellious little Henry added his 2 bits and was rewarded with a cuff to the back of the head.

Gandhi responded with a goofy face and a pathetic biceps pose while Elizabeth watched him from across the table with extreme disgust, not realizing that Gandhi's childish mentality was a big hit with the kids.

Gandhi surveyed the royal family and his eyes rested on Princes Andrew and Charles. His mind was active as usual, "So these are the fabled princes are they? Aren't princes supposed to be handsome and charming? These two are uglier than the north-facing end of a south-bound camel. Andrew's got bloodshot eyes - I guess the topless party last night went on a little too long. How nice it would be if the fortunes you wasted on luring all those airhead women to your mansion were spent on feeding and educating indian children. These slobs deserve to be beaten like rented mules."

"Yo, waiter!" No one had told Gandhi the difference between a waiter and a palace servant. Gandhi also had no idea that each of these humble workers' made more money in one month than the entire annual military budget of India.

"Yes, sire. How may I serve you?"

"How 'bout serving some fresh coffee to our english friends. They're looking a little tired. And maybe some juice for the kids."

"As you wish sire. The queen, however, prefers milk if I may say so."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say there buddy."

"Shall we commence this meeting? You came a long ways. I'm sure you'd like to go back soon wouldn't you?" Elizabeth spoke in her usual arrogant, bored tone.

"First I just want to say that we were not too pleased at having to wait for you to finish your dumb milk bath again. How much milk do you use for one bath anyways?"

"Oh I'm soooo sorry you had to wait. One of my baths takes 62.8 litres of milk if you must know."

"Do you know how many malnutritous indian children would benefit from having that milk?"

"Bottle it up and send it to them. I haven't drained the tub since my last bath yet."

"Whose gonna wanna drink milk your sloppy body's been in?" Tony's ears pricked up at Gandhi's protest. "Anyways I've been told you want to jam out of the alliance just as we need your support."

"Oh no. We aren't "jamming out" as you say. We just aren't prepared to go to war now. Our ground forces are thinly spread over our grand empire and we simply can't afford to join in your little adventure. I'm sure even you can understand this simple logic."

"Why? The so-called princes Andrew and Charles need more money to entertain women on their overseas trips?"

The two princes faces went scarlet and they clenched the edge of the thick oak table. The indian ministers eyed each other nervously behind Gandhi's back, sensing that a fight was brewing.

"Now, now. There's no need to talk like that. Charles and Andrew take it easy. So Gandhi, if there's nothing more to discuss shall we end this discussion?" Liz, despite her arrogant, vain persona had considerable diplomatic skills that could play with ambassadors' emotions and whims like pulling strings on puppets.

"Before you go, I just want to show you some pictures I printed off the net just now. Your beaurocrats had thoughtfully book-marked several sites with names like 'Liz and Hugh get down to business', 'Liz goes on a ride with Tony'..."

"Oh pulleeeeze! Can't you see that those are altered pictures? Anyone with a paint program can change faces and words in a picture. I can't believe you've gone this low."

The indian ministers shuffled their chairs away from Gandhi's vicinity, trying not to be noticed.

"This is the advice Bush gave me when I told him about the way you let us down in the alliance. He said it was 'the american way of doing business'."

"Bush! What an imbecile he is!"

Gorakh broke into a sweat.

"I'm sure if these pictures' authenticity were guaranteed by the indian government, media companies all over the world would be delighted to have copies sent to them. Not to mention other world leaders." Gandhi continued with the strategy Bush had worked out for him in advance.

Elizabeth felt herself slipping into uncontrollable rage. Her mind raced to both control her emotions and find a way out of the corner Gandhi was painting her into. At that time, Gorakh scurried out of the room under the pretense of needing to use the men's room. He escaped to a small nearby room, feeling somewhat relieved. He looked around and found an interesting black metal box with various buttons and lights on it to play with. He wondered which button he would push first...

Back in the conference room, Liz realized that Gandhi was on the verge of destroying her reputation and career. She would be humiliated by every newspaper, magazine and talk show around the world. Unfettered rage boiled up inside her. She choked out the words, "You evil, pathetic, scrawny little runt!"

She could not have chosen a worse thing to say.


*********************************************

more coming up shortly!

[unscratchedfoot]

Emergency Meeting in the Kremlin


While the meeting in Buckingham Palace smoothly progressed, Bush called for an emergency meeting with Putin to try and end Russia's invasion of India before it was too late. He was also concerned about the american people who had no tolerance for casualties which made it difficult for Bush to back-up his good friend Gandhi.

In the Kremlin, Bush, Powell and Rumsfeld shook hands with Putin and his defense minister Sergei Ivanov. The mood was good with many smiles and warm greetings. "Bush, it's nice of you to drop by. How's old B-52 doing? The big fellow nearly flattened us last time we visited your place there." Putin invited them to sit down.

Bush laughed respectfully and silently wished B-52 had finished the job. They sat down and began the meeting. "As you know we're here to discuss ways to avoid a war between Russia and India. Our pact with India will force us to reluctantly support our ally and you know what that means."

"Yes Bush. Russia has nothing against America and we earnestly wish you would stay out of this whole affair. Regrettably, I cannot halt the invasion as India has rudely refused to supply us with the goods, mostly cotton and wheat as well as some luxury items, we require from them." Putin spoke matter-of-factly.

"Putin, you're not giving them anything in return and their people are starving and illiterate because of the burden you impose on them."

"That's not true. We supply their army with generous quantities of vodka. Besides, we've been requisitioning goods from them for centuries. Why should we stop now? It makes no sense. We need their goods because 60% of our GNP goes to supporting our powerful army."

"You must realize that's not fair to the indian people."

"Oh c'mon now. What do you care about those backward barbarians led by that anorexic bonebag, Gandhi? Why don't you join us in punishing those fools and we can share their land. Think of all the dirt-cheap labor waiting to be exploited."

"Putin, you say one more bad thing about Gandhi or the indian people and I'm gonna take my snakeskin boots to ya."

"Gandhi's a freak. What do you see in the guy anyways?"

"Alright that's it." Bush lunged across the table hoping to grab Putin by the throat and throttle him. Putin grasped his arm and tried to break it - a trick he had learned in the KGB. Bush rolled over on the table and twisted his arm free. Like he had seen in many Jackie Chan movies, he tried to flip backwards off the table, kick Putin and land on two feet. However his dexterity wouldn't allow the fancy move and he ended up doing an awkward spasm and landed sprawled on the floor at Putin's feet.

Putin, always the opportunist, took advantage of his position to give Bush a hefty kick in the side. Bush, not liking it much, jumped up, put Putin in a headlock and started hammering him in the face. Putin lifted up Bush's leg and suplexed him backwards. The back of Bush's head came down hard on the edge of the table, but before going down he prudently kicked Putin in the head knocking him over a chair and onto the ground.

"Turdface!" It was Bush's fighting characteristic to always insult his opponents, though somewhat uncreatively. As he got off the floor, he picked-up a chair to smash over Putin's chrome dome.

As the two fighters struggled to their feet, Ivanov stepped between them with his arms outstretched in each direction. "Stop the fight. Let's sit down like grown adults and discuss the issue maturely."

Bush kicked Ivanov in the balls as hard as he could and let him have the chair over his head. Seeing the unfair 2-on-1 situation, Powell joined in by jumping on Ivanov's back and strangled him savagely. Ivanov elbowed Powell in the side but it had no effect on his bear-like body.

The now weaponless Bush approached Putin as Powell finished-off Ivanov. Putin gave no sign of relenting. "You redneck cowboy! You have achieved nothing by coming here. We will crush India and enslave the people. If you try to land on mother Russia your soldiers will be annihilated by our armies of heavy tanks. Take that message back to your people and get out of here!"

Bush saw no point in continuing the meeting and left the Kremlin with his ministers. He and Rumsfeld had to struggle to pull Powell off of Ivanov.

Putin, with a nice black eye forming, declared to a wounded Ivanov, "I will avenge this slight by leading the heavy tank army into India myself. The foolish indians have no means of destroying tanks. It will be a turkey shoot."

_____________________________________________

Here we can see the opening moments of the meeting when Bush shook hands with Ivanov.

[GeneralTacticus]

[civman2000]

[unscratchedfoot]

here is nothing (upload screwed up)

[The Bloody Baro]

!!!!

[unscratchedfoot]

here is nothing

[Kingof the Apes]

Great story!

[unscratchedfoot]

Showdown in Buckingham Palace


Gandhi and Queen Elizabeth glared at each other from across the table. The mood was tense; malice hung in the air.

"You got a real foul mouth, you know that woman?" Gandhi said.

"You're telling me. Should've seen her when she tried to break-up my jacuuzi party last night!" Prince Andrew made his first, however unintelligent, contribution to the meeting while Charles nodded in agreement in the background.

"Oh shut-up you bumbling moron. Have you, or Charles for that matter, ever said anything of value in a diplomatic meeting? Do you realize that the lives of millions of people will be affected by the results of this meeting? We need to work together to come up with an answer to this problem of the alliance we are unable to support." Liz let out some of her pent-up frustration at how Andrew never backed her up in meetings.

Andrew responded by grabbing Liz's hair and slammed her head into the table. Liz, having previous experience in hair-grabbing tussels, knew just what to do. She knocked over the cup of steaming hot coffee infront of Andrew onto his shirt. As he panicked to push away the cup spilling down on him, Liz continued her attack with a crisp slap across his face.

Charles, never too fond of Liz, stood up and delivered a mean kidney punch to her exposed back. Blair jumped up and tried to hold back Charles by the ears while Charles counter-attacked with a well-placed elbow to Blair's solar plexus. Princess Anne also looked as though she was considering joining the fray to throw a few slaps of her own. Gandhi squealed with delight as he watched the developing situation. He grabbed onto the sides of his chair in preparation to throw it at the mingled combatants.

Ballrash was always calm even in moments of great calamity. For this reason he was entrusted with keeping Gandhi's deadly briefcase during negotiations. One does not want to imagine what could happen if Gandhi had access to it during arguments with other world leaders. Ballrash restrained Gandhi, "Stay out of this circus and prove to the world your magnanimity." To his astonishment Gandhi actually took heed of his words of wisdom.

Just when it seemed the whole royal family was going to have it's own little battle royal, scores of palace guards armed with their traditional muskets and adourned in bright red uniforms and bearskin hats, poured into the room and quickly separated the fighters. Liz lashed out with one last kick at Andrew's beer belly as no less than four guards dragged her away kicking and screaming.

With the fight over, the meeting was adjourned and Gandhi tried on one of the guards' bearskin hats. Everyone had a good laugh at the ridiculous sight but despite all the smiles and laughing, the failure of Gandhi to convince the british to support India against Russia loomed over the indian team as they made their way back to the jet. India could only rely on the United States to help stop the invaders, and help from them could take months to come from overseas.


The contingent of royal guards which stopped the fight march outside the palace.

[unscratchedfoot]

The Battle of Dehra Dun Valley

If this is what war is like we should do it more often.

Mahatma Gandhi spoke these immortal words just as he loped off a soldier's arm with his broadsword during the battle of Dehra Dun Valley, not realizing the unfortunate victim was one of the horsemen under his own command. Such was the confusion and mayhem on that dusty battlefield.

-------


The border between India and Russia was made up of a thick mountainous pass which provided something of a natural protective barrier between the two nations. At one point the mountain chain became thin owing to a wide valley leading to the bustling city of Dehra Dun famous for it's ivory and dye. It was through this weak point in the barrier that russian forces had invaded a virtually defenseless India.

Charged with defending against the communist hordes was a motley and utterly obsolete collection of swordsmen, eastern knights (no armour, carrying a lance and broadsword) and a few war elephants. There were three divisions: the muslim swordsmen led by Nawab, hindu horsemen led by Gandhi, and the once-feared sikh horsemen led by Mufti. The divisions were organized by religion to avoid internal strife.


A sikh military camp gets geared up for the coming battle.

The indian divisions totalling about 8000 men assembled in the valley blocking the russian advance into Dehra Dun city.

On the other end of the valley the russians formed up to take on the indians. They totalled 180,000 modern infantry and 2650 tanks including the powerful new heavy tank plus mechanized infantry vehicles. They were led by General Sturmovinsky and Putin himself.

Putin addressed Sturmovinsky, "Place a company of mechanized infantry vehicles around my command tank. I want spetsnaz special forces to man those IFV's. Their purpose is to guard myself as the loss of the supreme leader could be embarrassing to mother Russia as I'm sure you understand."

Sturmovinsky chuckled, "I can assure you that the safest place on the planet is going to be your command tank. These specialists will be armed with the highest tech weapons available including the kalashnikov AK47-Spetsnaz, high power sniper rifles and rocket launchers. The best thing the enemy has are medieval horsemen armed with lances and we outnumber them better than 20-to-1. I'm mostly concerned the men will be disappointed with the lack of action."

"Well stay alert. I will be first in command so you will be following my orders during battle. Make sure the tanks don't open fire until I pass the order. And don't worry about the men. I've got some fun planned for them once we take Dehra Dun."

"Absolutely sir."

Standing up in the hatch of his heavy tank, Putin looked through his binoculars and observed the indians. They were already riding out to meet the russians. Putin silently admired their bravery knowing they would be killed to a man. He almost dropped the binocs in shock upon seeing one figure in white robes out infront of the pack. It was Gandhi! How could they so foolishly throw away their beloved leader?"

Gandhi rode his horse exceptionally well for he had been a Turban Grab champion during his 2-years of military service. Ironically, it was his promise to abolish conscription that got him voted into power the first time. On this day riding out infront of his men, he looked magnificient with his robes flowing in the wind and kicking up clouds of white dust. He was lucky that from afar no one could see the crusted-on curry stains from his beef curry lunch.

They ground was covered in fine white sand and jagged rocks. Normal horses would have stumbled at times on the uneven ground, but the indian horses were the pride of the army and well used to the local terrain.

The russian tanks, not having to fear return fire, lined up out in the open as if in a Red Square parade. "When I give the command unleash hell." Putin ordered his general over his com set. "What's the range?"

"3000 meters...2500...2000"

"Fire one volley!" All the tanks in their parade formation all fired at the same time at the approaching horsemen. The powerful blasts jolted the turrets back on their suspensions emitting a horrendous roar.

Gandhi saw the flickering along the rows of neatly lined tanks. For a moment he wondered what kind of lights those were and then he realized they were being fired at. "This is going to hurt." he thought.

Gandhi looked sideways at his advancing horsemen just as the shells erupted among them. The shells arrived before the report startling those lucky enough not to be hit. The whole line was lit up in a blaze of exploding animals and shattered bodies. The scene reminded Gandhi of the delicious tomato soup his mother used to make for him when he came home from school. He smiled as the naustalgic scene warmed his heart.

They rode on undaunted by the slaughter of their comrades. An officer rode up beside Gandhi, "Sir, the sikh horsemen have stopped!"

"Why!? I'll have Mufti boiled in corn oil if he chickens out!"

"Sir, it appears his turban fell off during the charge and he stopped to get it."

Gandhi ordered his men to stop and he wheeled around and headed towards the sikhs. Mufti was too busy fiddling with his turban to notice Gandhi approaching from behind. "Commander!! Look out behind you!" His men warned him a moment too late.

Gandhi grabbed Mufti by his long, greasy hair and reefed him out of his saddle. Mufti landed hard on the sharp rocks and howled in pain and anger. The sikhs and hindus were traditionally enemies and Gandhi was doing his best to display his disgust at Mufti's cowardice.

Mufti's men were blinded by rage and set upon Gandhi to avenge their leader. Gandhi's broadsword flashed in the bright sunrays and three sikh heads flew in sommersaults through the air. The hindu horsemen backed up their leader by charging into the mutinous sikhs. A general melee developed. Swords clashed, body parts flew and dust clouds billowed up adding extra confusion with a thick fog of war.

Gandhi went into a frenzy and made the immortal quote about liking war (mentioned earlier), and having lost track of who's who in the fog, attacked both friend and foe alike. His broadsword made like a blade in a juicer among the swirling mass of horsemen. To make matters even worse, the muslim swordsmen finally caught up to them and joined in the melee making it a 3-way slaughterhouse.

Putin watched through his binoculars, sharing the confusion of the battling indians. For awhile he could not understand why they were fighting each other while on the doorstep to oblivion.

"Supreme commander, shall we fire another volley?" Sturmovinsky's voice came up on the com set.

"No. An easy task has just become mindlessly simple. The indians will destroy themselves. We can save our ammo for Dehra Dun."

"Do you know why they are doing this? Have they gone mad after seeing what our shells can do to them?"

"From what I see Gandhi's selling out on his country. He's going to join us. This will aid immensely in the subjugation of the indian people."

"Sir are you saying he's betraying his people?"

"That's what I'm saying. We'll just sit tight until he finishes up his business there."

Sure to Putin's prediction, the few surviving sikhs broke away from the fight and rode off to save their skins. Hindu horsemen cut down many a retreating sikh and muslim.

[unscratchedfoot]

continued...

Gandhi was only able to summon a dozen of his men from those who were madly charging after the fleeing sikhs and muslims. "Men, listen up. We are the only ones left to stop the russians. We are few and the enemy many. But don't let doubt into your minds for the brave must prevail. Remember that war is the answer to India's problems! It's time to take out the trash! Remember the way you and your loved ones toiled for generations to appease them. Follow me now into the valley of death and we will punish those commie bullies! Let's give them a taste of indian steel!"

The men cheered wildly and their spirits were bolstered by Gandhi's brave words. They charged on to "finish-off" (as Gandhi had in mind) the russians.

Putin continued watching the small band of indians approaching. The black eye Bush gave him made it difficult to see through binoculars but he promised to return the courtesy in his next meeting with the 'cowboy president'. "Yeah, he's coming to join us for sure. He would never attack with such a tiny force. Sturmovinsky, order the spetsnaz to keep them in their sights just in case Gandhi gets roudy like he often does in negotiations."

When the indian "army" was within hearing range, Putin addressed them in impeccable english (Gandhi had no knowledge of russian whatsoever), "Gandhi, you are wise to join our just cause. You will live a life of ease and indulgement in the sunny, tropical caucasus as your reward! You will be a hero of Russia."

"Huh? Who? You talkin to me?"

"Step down and let us talk like men who see eye to eye. Don't worry about my men. They are following my commands." Putin smiled warmly at Gandhi as he arrived infront of the line of bristling tanks and amoured infantry carriers covered in spetsnaz special forces. At least a thousand troops had Gandhi and his men in their sights.

Putin wondered why Gandhi wasn't slowing down, but then he finally stopped next Putin's command tank. Gandhi proceeded to detach a briefcase from the back of his saddle.

Putin wondered, "Why would he bring a briefcase to a battle?.....Wait, where have I seen that briefcase before?...."

Gandhi held it in his right hand at his side.

"The video of his famous speech..."

Gandhi started to shake it.

"...Bulbeeto...It was the mystery briefcase!"

"All units open fire! I say, all units open fire now!" Putin dove into his hatch hoping to avoid being shot while Gandhi shook away the sides of the briefcase to reveal the H&K MPK5 submachinegun his buddy Bush had given him.

It seemed that the whole world burst into a cacophony of machine gun and rifle fire. The horsemen who had accompanied Gandhi in his charge "into the valley of death" were instantly blown to bits by the murderous barrage of fire.

Gandhi, always the heroic rider, slid down the side of his saddle away from madly firing spetsnaz to let his stallion block the incoming rounds. He held the barrel just over the back of his stallion and fired off a burst at the spetsnaz troopers grouped-up on top of the nearest armoured infantry carrier. Several of the troopers jerked as the rounds caught them and they flopped to the ground writhing in agony at their wounds. One of the troopers had just pulled the pin on a grenade and was winding up to throw it as he was hit. The grenade fell backwards out of his hand and into the open hatch next to him. It cooked off inside the vehicle in turn setting off the ammo inside and blowing it up. Shrapnel from the blast took out scores of soldiers packed on top of neighbouring IFV's.

The wall of fire turned Gandhi's stallion into well-ground hamburger and some of the armour-piercing AK47 rounds blew all the way through the animal and into Gandhi's gaunt frame. Gandhi, sensing the end was near, had only one thought in his mind, "Got to...get off...one...more...burst at them."

As the stricken animal started to fall sideways, Gandhi reached around the front of it and let off one final burst at a spetsnaz special forces member standing and firing a couple of metres away. Gandhi's vision gradually blurred as his lifeforce left him but he could just see his rounds walk their way up the trooper's body causing him to do a kind of dance as the rounds blew through him. It reminded him of Bulbeeto's last moments at the juicy speech and the warm memory left a smile on his face as he drifted away.

"Cease fire!" Putin and Sturmovinsky jumped off their tanks to inspect the carnage. Putin was almost moved to tears as he thought, "He had a clean shot at me just before I dove into the hatch, but he didn't take it. Why did he fire at my troops instead?" Then Putin realized the truth. He had intended to take on the entire russian army by himself. Putin took a moment to digest this incredible act.

"Fall in line!" Sturmovinsky gathered the men for Putin had message to give them.

"Soldiers of Mother Russia. We have seen today the ultimate act of bravery. This man felt no fear as he engaged an army of 180,000 men with only 12 of his own. He could have killed me but chose not to because he believed somehow he could win against all odds. If all of you had the bravery of him, Russia would know no enemies! Let's all salute this man!"

--------

Aftermath

The russians carried on to Dehra Dun city and leveled it with artillery and tank fire to make an example of it. Hundreds of thousands perished in the bombardment. The red army carried on into India and city after city paid huge bribes, often taken from all the people's stores of food and few luxury goods, to pay them not to destroy them. Upon payment the russians spared the cities but soon after put them under the cruel yoke of forced labour to help supply Russia in it's expanding war.

American managed to convince Japan and China (with some help from Bush's snakeskin boots) to join it's crusade against Russia. China used endless attacks of infantry and light tanks directly against Russia while the American armada landed a collosal army in India to liberate it from the communists. Bush was criticised by military advisors for needlessly drawing out the war by not landing in Russia itself. It was obvious to all that Bush was motivated by his remorse for his fallen friend.

*********************************************

this story is finished

[civman2000]

good ending! It is just a bit anticlimactic though i think

[Timeline]

Nice story I really liked it!

In loving memory . . .

[unscratchedfoot]

Following the liberation of India, american and russian government members met to try and hash out a peace agreement. At first the russians were reluctant to make peace until Bush threatened to strangle Igor Ivanov (Igor is the bald, fat gentleman seated on the left side of the photo)..



Here we can see Bush's adrenaline starting to flow and his hands getting ready to make a grab for Ivanov's throat.

[Zanzin]

rofl....great story!!