Bad Neighbors

[Metaliturtle]

Militaristical Coup

Ha, it seems the tide has turned, now a peaceful distant trade partner is slowly turning hostile with the destruction of france (there were 3 civs, tiny map, rome doesn't have nearly the land area as greece)
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Maximus loaded the Roman Caravels to head back to Rome to confront Caesar. Although he enjoyed orgies, he decided that he would eliminate the practice from Roman culture in honor of his, now goddess, Joan. Nobody, not even his trainer, could comfort him.

"Maximus, why are we returning?"

"We are taking over Rome"

"I thought we were supposed to take over Paris"

"QUIET you!"

It was a solemn ride home, Maximus was planning his rise as emperor, he had, after all, only 5 cities to capture, how hard could that be?

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Caesar's Palace....Rome, NOT VEGAS!!

"He has returned already?"

"Yes sire, he is planning a victory parade through all of Rome, starting here in Rome."

"Good, open the gates."

Maximus was on a white horse, he led his men proudly, all the way up to Caesar, in his hand he held a French sword, on it was inscribed "vengeance," but in French. Caesar only saw the flash of sun that was the blade before he was unconsious, Maximus had seized power from Caesar!

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"What do you mean Rome descended into anarchy??!!"

"They've had a military coup, their head Legionarry, Maximus, is gaining power, they will probably become a monarchy now."

"This means I won't have my scented oils for my nightly Orgy!!!" Alexander was angry, "Send a sh*tload of Frigates to their ports to try to steal some"

"Aye Aye Commander"

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That's it for tonight, (lest I be up late again ), It isn't as funny as the other ones because I still need to give maximus more of a character flaw, the next chapter will be funny though, I've already got an idea Please give me feedback, so that I know this is being read by people other than my mom <---- (yup, that's my mom)

[civman2000]

Your mom is reading this ??

[Metaliturtle]

she may be, but she's cool, so don't worry

[Metaliturtle]

The days before the war.

I'm hoping to tie this up in one or two posts, I plan to start an epic next, I will blend this into the epic though if it gets some representation in round 7 if you know what I mean. I changed the setting because I want some modern stuff to go on now.
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Flash forward a few hundred years, we are in Athens, old man Alexander has become in many ways like Hugh Hefner, he has like 8 women who think they're his wife, and his daughter Helen runs the Commercial Empire of Greece. Since we last left, more land had been discovered east of Rome, and had been colonized by the Romans who are infringing on the territory of the Aztecs, a small nation, but with a monopoly on furs and dyes, making them Greece's new project. Maximus is secretly building a military force that can withstand the mighty Grecian Navy.

"Commandress Helen!"

"What is it Freduando?"

"Just... turn on your television" He walked away obviously chuckling

She turned on the TV, an announcer not unlike **** vitale was reporting.

"....That's right chet, Alexander the Great has stolen the Tas-T Ice cream truck and is running rampant through downtown, it's ice cream headache city baybee! He's dishin' the rock-hard treats to diaper dandys, and dandy diapers alike, it's awesome baybee!"

"Da*n" Whenever she was doing anything important, her father was always losing his mind.

BOOOM!! there was an explosion on the television

"WHOOAH BAYBEE! It's mad explosion city out here! Alexander appeared to have the edge but he lost it, it's boom boom city, get out the icy hot and leave the hot at home Baybee!!"

"Buy out his contract and make sure my father is OK!!" Helen was genuinely concerned, the country would have to wait until Alexander was better.

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"Correct sir! we made it appear as if he hijacked an ice cream truck"

"And what of the daughter?"

"She's distraught, NOW is the time to attack!"

"Send Fattius Lardassius to the front, I hate that fat bastard so much"

"Yes sir! Long live the new Roman Empire!!"

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Fattius Lardassius was in the Roman Aztec colony of Rome 3, being serviced by a beautiful woman which was having a hard time keeping her lunch down, with a name like Fattius Lardassius, you've gotta look bad.

"Fattius, telephone from the capital"
he took the phone

"Hello"

"Fattius?"

"You've got all of him"

"Ummm....yeah.... Anyway, you've been reassigned to the Grecian front, prepare your men for battle, you will be supplemented in your ranks."

"But I'm in the middle of bodily servic-"

"No buts but your butt on a ship to do battle with the Grecian Navy! Now GO!!"


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Thoughts or comments? Anything you'd like to see in my epic?

[Metaliturtle]

Lopsided Civ moves

I was going to have the roman navy totally repelled, but I just got an idea please enjoy and if you read, PLEEZE comment.
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The ship moaned and groaned, Fattius was on one of 3 transports, and this one was having a hard time keeping up. They were coming up to the Grecian battleships, and they knew it would have to be pure luck for their 8 ironclads to make it to the Grecian shore. Phyrrus got on his walkie talkie from the land to Civman, who had since taken control of the mighty Grecian navy when Alexander decided he "didn't like the boats much."

"Civman, let them get to the mainland, they don't have amphibious assault capability, and I've left just one place for them to attack from, it's a plain, surrounded by mountains, knowing them, they'll kill themselves attacking me."

"But there's one transport that's going extra slow, you don't mind if I sight in my big guns on it do you?"

"Nah"

"Sweet"

Civman fired his 14 inch cannon at the transport and put a bigarsed hole into the side of it. Fortunately for the Romans, Fattius pushed it back out the hole, then plugged it with his big fat belly which shook when he farted, like petroleum jelly.

"Phyrrus, they dodged it, good luck with your defensive maneuver."

The romans landed just as expected, but, instead of attacking the mountained troops, they built a city, which was named ROME 4 (Fattius wasn't very original.) The boats went in to repair, and 3 years later the boats left quietly.

Phyrrus had finally built a large enough force to take out all the troops the romans put into this city, so he returned them to one of the mountains.

"Men, this will be a difficult battle, the best of the best roman soldiers are in that city, it must be destroyed quickly, now GO!"

With that, hundreds of Grecians charged down the slopes of the mountain. The first force arrived at the city to find....."A LEGION!! OH NO! SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT! I AM! NO YOUR NOT! HAHA ALMOST GOT YOU!"

That's right, the romans had gone home, and now the Grecian continent only had Grecian cities. Phyrrus and Civman were both issued many decoder rings of coolness, and Fattius was fed to the dogs.

Rome had become a democracy in this time, and the new president, Caesar 2 (he was named after a video game), was a righteous dude who enjoyed the finer things in life, like killing maximus, participating in orgies, and giving the Grecians stuff, This led to the age of peace in Greece and Rome.

Fin
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This is where I'm going to start my epic, or maybe part two, it just depends on how funny or unfunny it is, VOTE for me in the story contest, I'll do a funny cast party with dialogue.

[civman2000]

nice ending!